I’m writing this post to share something personal with you. I have an anxious attachment style. This means that I tend to worry a lot about my relationships, especially romantic ones. I crave closeness and intimacy, but I also fear rejection and abandonment. I often feel insecure and needy, and I may act clingy or jealous. Sometimes I overthink everything and imagine worst-case scenarios. Other times I avoid expressing my true feelings or needs, hoping that my partner will just know what I want.
I know that having an anxious attachment style can make it hard to have healthy and satisfying relationships. It can also affect my self-esteem and mental health. That’s why I decided to seek professional help and learn more about myself and my attachment patterns. I want to share with you some of the things that I learned and how they helped me cope better with my anxiety.
One of the first things that I learned is that attachment styles are not fixed or permanent. They are shaped by our early experiences with our caregivers, but they can also change over time and in different contexts. For example, I may feel more anxious with a partner who is distant or inconsistent, but less anxious with a partner who is responsive and supportive. This means that I have some control over how I feel and behave in my relationships. I can also choose partners who are more compatible with my attachment needs and communicate with them openly and honestly.
Another thing that I learned is that having an anxious attachment style does not mean that I am flawed or unworthy of love. It just means that I have a different way of relating to others, based on my past experiences and expectations. There is nothing wrong with wanting closeness and intimacy, as long as it is balanced and respectful. There are also many positive aspects of being anxiously attached, such as being empathetic, passionate, loyal, and attentive. I learned to appreciate these qualities in myself and in others.
The third thing that I learned is that having an anxious attachment style does not mean that I have to suffer or settle for less than what I deserve. There are many ways to cope with anxiety and improve my relationships. Some of the strategies that worked for me are:
- Practicing self-care and self-compassion. This means taking care of my physical, emotional, and mental well-being, and being kind and gentle with myself. I learned to recognize and challenge my negative thoughts and beliefs about myself and my relationships. I also learned to soothe myself when I feel anxious or upset, by doing things that make me happy or relaxed.
- Seeking support from others. This means reaching out to my friends, family, or therapist when I need help or advice. I learned to trust and rely on others who care about me and understand me. I also learned to be more supportive of others who may have similar struggles as me.
- Setting boundaries and expectations. This means being clear about what I want and need from my partner and myself, and respecting what they want and need from me. I learned to express my feelings and needs in a calm and assertive way, without being passive-aggressive or manipulative. I also learned to accept and respect my partner’s feelings and needs, without taking them personally or trying to change them.
- Focusing on the present and the positive. This means being mindful of what is happening in the here and now, rather than dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. I learned to appreciate what is good and working in my relationship, rather than focusing on what is bad or missing. I also learned to celebrate the small wins and achievements in my personal growth.
These are some of the things that helped me cope better with my anxious attachment style. Of course, this is not a comprehensive list, nor a one-size-fits-all solution. Everyone’s situation is different, and everyone has their own challenges and strengths. The most important thing is to be aware of your attachment style, how it affects you and your relationships, and what you can do to improve it.
I hope this post was helpful for anyone who can relate to what I shared. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to leave them below. Thank you for reading!
Bright, shiny objects! 