Not Everyone Will Know How to Love You; Let Them…

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“Perhaps, the problem is not the intensity of your love,
but the quality of the people you are loving.”
-Warsan Shire

People will misunderstand, formulate and create misguided opinions of you no matter how diligently you’ve proved differently…

Let them.

People will judge, condemn and confine you to their own preconceived boxes from which you have no chance of escape…

Let them.

But,

Let them…

ONLY LOVE YOU FOR YOU. Not some projected image of who they expect you to be.

And

Let them…

ONLY ACCEPT YOU JUST AS YOU ARE, and if that is something they cannot do…save yourself and walk away.

You cannot force love from the people who are never quite ready and may likely never know how, but another person’s inability to love you does not diminish your worthiness and make you any less deserving of being understood and loved.

Your self-worth is far beyond judgment and mistreatment, and your life far more valuable than spent wasted in convincing someone else of something they refuse to see…

Let them…GO.

It is their misunderstandings, thoughts, opinions and judgments about you which are faulty, not you as a human.

The misconceptions of another is not your burden to bear…

Let them…GO.

Your humanness is not FAULTY, unlovable, unworthy, broken or any other lies you’ve told yourself.

History needn’t repeat itself, and painful wounds from the past needn’t be reopened, only healing…

Let them.

Not everyone will know how to love you…

Let them.

But realize you are worthy, valuable and destined for greatness…

Let them…settle.

But not you.

You are strong enough to walk away from anything incapable of reciprocating the love you deserve. Your entire essence of being radiates an irrefutable proof that you LOVE YOURSELF, and by loving yourself with such an intensity, the doors have inevitably opened to the possibility of someone else to enter your life baring the same capacity to love you.

So when this special person comes to love you…

Let them.

Go to the source for more: Not Everyone Will Know How to Love You; Let Them… –

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Change the Channel

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The metaphor I use for dealing with unwanted thoughts is Pandora. Almost everyone is familiar with this music service; give a thumbs up to the music that you like and a thumbs down to the things you don’t like. I don’t need to ruminate about my failed marriage – when that thought comes into my mind, I can give it a thumbs down and move on to the next thought. Perhaps author Rick Hanson says it better:

Sometimes the inner practices fail you – or at least aren’t matched to the pickle you’re in. You’ve let be, let go, and let in. You sat to meditate and it was like sitting on the stove. You tried to be here now and find the lessons – and wanted to whack the person who told you to do this. You still feel awful, overwhelmed, angry, afraid, inadequate, or depressed. Now what?

Sometimes it helps to change the channel, to take some kind of action. Watch TV, eat a cupcake, ask for a hug, get out of the house, something (not harmful) to shake things up, distract yourself, tune out, burn off steam, etc.

At some point you still have to engage the mind directly and do what you can with your situation. But there is certainly a place for respite or pleasure in its own right, plus these help refuel you for challenges.

Plus, changing channels has the built-in benefit of taking initiative on your own behalf. This helps counter the natural but harmful sense of helplessness that comes from tough times, and it supports the feeling that you and your needs truly matter.

Go to the source for more: Change the Channel | Psychology Today

It may be as simple as the old Perry Como song: “Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, latch on to the affirmative and don’t mess with Mr. In-between.”

 

No Partner, No Worries: New Study of Psychological Health

Interesting study about the benefits of marriage that may surprise you!

When adults get into their mid-fifties and beyond, how much does a romantic partner matter to their psychological well-being? Matthew Wright and Susan Brown of Bowling Green University, authors of a study (link is external) recently published online at the Journal of Marriage and Family, expected to find a hierarchy of good outcomes. They predicted that married people would enjoy the greatest psychological well-being. Cohabiters, they thought, would do next best, and daters would follow in third place. They expected unpartnered single people to be worst off, psychologically. That is not what they found.

Instead they found that for women, partnership status made no difference. Whether the women were married, cohabiting, dating, or single and unpartnered, there were no statistically significant differences in their experiences of depression, stress, or loneliness. There were some nonsignificant trends in the data, but even those were not always consistent with the authors’ predictions. For example, the women who were dating tended to experience more stress than the single women without a romantic partner.

For the men, having a romantic partner mattered more than it did for the women, but again, not exactly in the ways the authors predicted. The authors thought that the unpartnered single men would do worse than the single men who were dating on every measure, but that never happened. The men who were dating did not differ significantly from the unpartnered single men in their experiences of depression or stress or loneliness.

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The cohabiting men were predicted to do less well than the married men, but that never happened, either. The married men were more likely to report frequent depressive symptoms. They were also slightly more likely to experience stress than the cohabiting men. Marriage was also no protection against loneliness, as married men were no less lonely than cohabiting men. Cohabiting men also did well in comparison to the dating or unpartnered men on two measures of well-being: They were less likely to report frequent depressive symptoms or loneliness.

Go to the source for more: No Partner, No Worries: New Study of Psychological Health | Psychology Today

A Courageous Brain: Not Manipulated by Needless Fear

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Our ancestors evolved a frightened brain for survival in harsh conditions. Today, unnecessary and unwarranted fear can make it harder to speak from the heart, dream big dreams and stand up to the manipulations of advertisers and demagogues. A Courageous Brain: Not Manipulated by Needless Fear is a Commonwealth Club National Podcast where Dr. Rick Hanson, Ph.D., explores the practical neuroscience of courage in ourselves, our homes, offices and politics.  Go to the Commonwealth Club for more information.

Source: A Courageous Brain: Not Manipulated by Needless Fear – Dr. Rick Hanson

Listen here…

The Grass Is Greener Where?

Kemi Nekvapil writes:

The grass is greener where?

As a child, I was often told, “The grass is always greener on the other side.”

I think I grasped the idea, and I would try to be happy and content where I was, rather than thinking that things were better “over there” than where I stood.

As an adult, this quote directly connects to gratitude for what I have.

But now I prefer another quote about grass: “The grass is always greener where you water it.”

We all have moments when we feel that life would be better “if only”: If only I was thinner, richer, more successful, more something other than I am. This feeling is part of the human experience.

But it is only when we decide to take responsibility for the life we are living now that we have the choice to make this life — the real one — greener.

Complaining about a situation in our lives and doing nothing other than wishing it was another way, or believing that “the grass is greener,” will never shift or transform anything.

We always have the power to water our own grass.

If you are feeling that the grass is greener over there, and perhaps a little dry and arid over here, here are some ways to start watering your own grass today: The Grass Is Greener Where? | Kemi Nekvapil.

Waves…

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When I spin or spiral or go ‘sideways’, fear rolls over me like great waves and I am tossed about by the next crazy think that comes to my mind…

Consider this, however. Have you ever been at the ocean? Do you know what it’s like to drop below the waves and watch them from underneath? I have noticed that if you stay on the surface you can get pounded by wave after wave but if you drop a few feet below the surface, all you feel is a gentle tug.

This past weekend, I faced wave after wave of fears. I found that when I stayed on the surface, I was at the mercy of every memory and thought that rolled in but if I could drop down into myself and find a quite place, the ‘waves’ had no effect.

In her book True Refuge, teacher Tara Brach says this:

“I recently read in the book My Stroke of Insight by brain scientist Jill Bolte Taylor that the natural life span of an emotion—the average time it takes for it to move through the nervous system and body—is only a minute and a half. After that we need thoughts to keep the emotion rolling. So if we wonder why we lock into painful emotional states like anxiety, depression, or rage, we need look no further than our own endless stream of inner dialogue.” ~ True Refuge

One tool I used was to ‘pay attention’ to thoughts but journaling them in Evernote and most of ,u fears seemed to be appeased by the recognition of documentation. For the rest, I used Tara Brach’s RAIN acronym:

  • Recognize
  • Allow
  • Investigate with Kindness
  • Non-identify

If only I could claim perfection! This approach, however, did help me ‘drop under the waves’ and become happier overall…

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Am I dreaming…

A retreat talk by Tara Brach. As we cultivate mindfulness we become increasingly aware of how we move through huge swaths of our life in trance. This talk reflects on three key domains of trance, and undoing the habitual reactivity that keeps us from the loving, open awareness that is our essence.

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You can listen to the entire talk here…

Touch Me There

Touch me in the space between

each rib cage, where I believe

my soul resides,

I’d like to know that you can feel her.

Touch me on the nape of my neck,

where I carry the weight of the world,

and let me know if you might

be willing to share some of this heaviness.

Touch me in the invisible places

that I hold my hurt

my secrets

my stories

and remind me to pay attention

to them—the last thing they need is neglect.

Touch me in the moonlight

where I often hide,

but long to know that someone still sees me.

Touch me in the sunlight,

where hiding is not an option

and all my imperfections are illuminated,

and show me you don’t mind

them one bit.

Touch me in the place that moves me,

which will in turn move you,

so we can move together

in a way that only two people

who have touched each other can.

Touch me with your words

or with your heart

or with your fingertips,

touch me there

or here

or even right over here,

I’m really not too picky.

I’d just like for you to touch me,

and gently remind me

that I am real.

via Touch Me There. ~ Emily Bartran {Poem} | elephant journal.

How you can get what you want from your marriage…

I used to joke with my wife that ‘if only you’d lower your expectations I could be the man of your dreams’. Cute right? Not that there aren’t character issues that I need to work on, but according to this article by F. Diane Barth, L.C.S.W., I may have been on to something:

A colleague sent me a copy of a recent study that addresses the question. In it, a group of psychologists from Northwestern University and the University of Chicago say the problem may not be in the relationship, but in our expectations. If you are in a relationship that, like Tony and Wendy’s, looks good from the outside but seems to be crumbling from the inside, your own expectations and your partner’s may be at least partly to blame. Instead of making you feel good about yourself, if your marriage is destroying your self-esteem, these authors suggest again that you look at your own and your partner’s goals for the partnership.

The authors of the study say that the major problem with most marriages today has to do with a shift in what we look for from the person we plan to live with till death do us part.

Whereas in the past marriage was primarily expected to provide for physical care and satisfaction, today couples look to their partners to provide much more. Contemporary spouses are expected to facilitate one another’s psychological, emotional, social, personal and professional growth. A happy marriage, this research tell us, is one in which a couple feel physically and emotionally safe and get their physical and social needs taken care of. But even more important, these authors say, is our need for our life partners to support our life goals.  We want to be someone who understands and backs us as we develop into the person we want to be.

Here’s the problem. You and your spouse may genuinely love and respect one another. But whether one or both of you is working full time or whether one of you is home taking care of children, a modern life style does not provide a lot of spare time or energy for carefully making sure you are bot feeling good about yourselves. More likely, when you do see each other, the first thing you think to say is to complain about the things you each feel the other hasn’t gotten done, or hasn’t done right.

Your feelings get hurt and you hurt back in retaliation, when what you both really want is someone to say what a good job you’ve done and how hard you’ve been working. These are what the authors of the study call “high altitude needs” of contemporary relationships; and they say that because most relationships are operating on this higher emotional level while at the same time we are so busy and overwhelmed with all of our life tasks and goals, we feel deprived of the emotional “oxygen,” or support and nurturing, that they both need and expect from a partner.

There is good news, though! First of all, if this is how you are feeling, there is a good chance that your partner is feeling the same way. Hard as it may be to empathize with one another, if you can simply recognize that you both need more nurturing, admiration, and respect, you might find some oxygen spontaneously returning to your relationship.

Talking about your goals and your expectations, your hopes and aspirations – not just in your marriage, but in all aspects of your life—can help. Give each other legitimate (not phony) credit and praise. Be honest about things you admire about one another. Surprisingly, even expressing feelings of envy for something your spouse does better than you can have a positive effect, since that kind of envy is also an expression of admiration.

via How you can get what you want from your marriage | Psychology Today.

Make sense to you? Please share your thoughts below…