Tag: Suffering

6 Ways to Decrease Your Suffering

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“The world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming it.” ~Helen Keller

You’ve probably heard the saying “Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.”

For a many years, I didn’t understand how pain and suffering were different from each other. They seemed inextricably wrapped up together, and I took it for granted that one was the inevitable consequence of the other.

However, as I have grown to understand my own capacity to create happiness, I noticed something interesting about the nature of my suffering.

As I reflect back on painful episodes in my life, I can recall losing people who were dear to me. I remember abrupt changes in jobs, housing, and other opportunities that I believed were the basis of my happiness.

In each of those experiences the immediate visceral pain was searing, like a hot knife cutting through my heart. Then afterwards came grief, an emotional response to loss that arose quite naturally.

But closely on the heels of physical pain and emotional grief comes something else, something that I create in my own mind even though it feels quite real. That something else is “suffering.” Full story at: 6 Ways to Decrease Your Suffering | Tiny Buddha.

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10

Don’t do something permanently stupid…

Remember the acronym ‘HALTS’; don’t do anything stoopid when you are hungry, angry, lonely, tired or sick. To this I would add ‘or drunk’. Trust me on this. I know from painful experience. via A New Anti-Bullying Poster!.

1

Learning to Stop Clinging to People: Know That You Are Loved

“As long as you make an identity for yourself out of pain, you cannot be free of it.”   ~Eckhart Tolle

Full story at: Learning to Stop Clinging to People: Know That You Are Loved | Tiny Buddha.

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The best of @toddlohenry for 10/17/2012

  1. The way that I say it is that without self-acceptance your spiritual path is spiritual entertainment at best. I mean you might as well watch a movie and just observe someone else going through a transformation. It’s so true. I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to “change” or “fix” myself. And what I’ve concretely come to understand is that The Path is not so much about changing or fixing ourselves as it is accepting ourselves. Acceptance of who you REALLY are is the beginning of a brand new life. And not who you are on a personality level. Who you are on a SOUL level. That is to say – you are a Divine child of The Uni-verse, and when you accept that – you claim your Divine birthright, everything changes. This doesn’t mean your life will be showered in riches, but it does mean that you will begin to live a path that is in alignment with your highest creative potential.
    Without self-acceptance self-help won’t work!

    Mon, Oct 15 2012 20:38:21

  2. Todd’s tweets…

  3. toddlohenry
    Francois Fenelon: The Inner Life: The Divine Life of the Soul http://twy.la/WmVqvx

    Todd Lohenry

    Wed, Oct 17 2012 06:40:19

  4. toddlohenry
    How to Transform Your Body Into Your Biggest Asset http://twy.la/Xn993v

    Todd Lohenry

    Wed, Oct 17 2012 06:20:15

  5. e1evation
    The Todd Tracker is out! http://bit.ly/xwdjH1 ▸ Top stories today via @toddlohenry

    e1evation

    Wed, Oct 17 2012 06:18:43

  6. toddlohenry
    4 Foods to Ease Your Digestion http://twy.la/V9m23I

    Todd Lohenry

    Wed, Oct 17 2012 06:10:35

  7. toddlohenry
    18 Ways to Stay Focused at Work | Greatist http://twy.la/R4e9IQ

    Todd Lohenry

    Wed, Oct 17 2012 06:00:10

  8. toddlohenry
    How to Break Up and Still Be Friends http://twy.la/Xn82Rk

    Todd Lohenry

    Wed, Oct 17 2012 05:50:11

  9. toddlohenry
    Stop Beating Yourself Up (it’s annoying) http://bit.ly/RSFT15

    Todd Lohenry

    Wed, Oct 17 2012 05:40:16

  10. toddlohenry
    18 Ways to Stay Focused at Work http://bit.ly/P9tTfa

    Todd Lohenry

    Wed, Oct 17 2012 05:30:55

  11. toddlohenry
    5 great lessons kids can learn from politics http://bit.ly/QUMFTL

    Todd Lohenry

    Wed, Oct 17 2012 05:20:08

  12. toddlohenry
    10 ways for writers to stay productive http://bit.ly/V6zPT4

    Todd Lohenry

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    11 Benefits of Ginger That You Didn’t Know About http://bit.ly/RSDlA5

    Todd Lohenry

    Wed, Oct 17 2012 05:00:19

  14. toddlohenry
    Let’s remind our girls to love themselves from the inside out. http://bit.ly/PBGwQh

    Todd Lohenry

    Wed, Oct 17 2012 04:50:20

  15. toddlohenry
    Don’t Question Why You Are Single http://twy.la/PBIBvq

    Todd Lohenry

    Wed, Oct 17 2012 04:49:49

  16. toddlohenry
    Pigeon of Discontent: News of the World Makes Me Unhappy. http://bit.ly/QUME2h

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    How to Communicate Authentically http://bit.ly/P8sLsh

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    20 Ways to Spread Happiness http://bit.ly/QoOGWY

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  20. toddlohenry
    Felix Baumgartner’s jump from space: By the numbers « What I see, what I feel, what I’d like to see… http://twy.la/OEN4MB

    Todd Lohenry

    Tue, Oct 16 2012 08:20:11

  21. toddlohenry
    Behind Every Beautiful Thing « What I see, what I feel, what I’d like to see… http://twy.la/TtmnHn

    Todd Lohenry

    Tue, Oct 16 2012 08:10:10

  22. toddlohenry
    If it’s peace you want… « What I see, what I feel, what I’d like to see… http://twy.la/Ttl23a

    Todd Lohenry

    Tue, Oct 16 2012 08:01:15

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Expectations, Disappointment, Anger, Depression

Thank God for my friend Steve — he’s one of the best blessings in my life! We frequently talk first thing in the day during his morning commute. This morning we talked about expectations of other people and how they are frequently a source of disappointment and then anger and then depression. Hence the quote above…

I was sitting down to prep a screencast on the topic when I started googling for a quote from Francois Fénélon I remember as “disappointments are the bastard child of false expectations” but my memory must be off because according to Google, no such quote exists. Still it makes a point and I found some writings of Fénélon that you might find interesting…

More interesting to me at the moment is this quote from Dr. Michael Yapko:

“What single factor most determines your degree of satisfaction with your relationships, whether it’s your relationships with your government or your relationship with your kids, friends and neighbors? What single factor most influences how you gauge whether your relationship with someone is good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, worthwhile or a waste of time? Your expectations.

When you have unrealistic expectations of other people, you are at high risk for getting hurt, disappointed and depressed. It’s easiest, perhaps even reflexive, to blame them and self-righteously say, “That person let me down.” And, maybe that person did let you down. But, it’s at least as likely that you let yourself down by having unrealistic expectations to begin with.

On one level, I’m talking about your expectations of others, but on another level, I’m really talking about you – the degree to which you are aware of what your expectations are and how well you can determine whether your expectations for others- and for yourself- are realistic. If they’re not, you can suffer repeated disappointments and hurts in your relationships, and these can be victimizing and painful enough to lead to frustration, anger, disillusionment – and depression.

Peoples’ poorly informed and therefore unrealistic expectations fuel their anger and discontent. Before you get angry, it would be great if you could sit down quietly for awhile and ask yourself what you expect, how you know whether your expectations are realistic, and whether you need much more information before you get too attached to your ideas about how you think things “should” be. You’ll get much further dealing skillfully with how things really are when you catch yourself getting wrapped up in the “shoulds.”

Don’t mistake what you want for what you’re actually going to get.” Full story at: Expectations, Disappointment, Anger, Depression | Managing Depression Skillfully.

So, as Dr. Yapko says “I’m talking about your expectations of others, but on another level, I’m really talking about you – the degree to which you are aware of what your expectations are and how well you can determine whether your expectations for others- and for yourself- are realistic.” So in the end, I think you and I are called to love ourselves and part of that loving is to have reasonable expectations of our capabilities and to work to increase those capabilities. In closing, the words of the great Apostle Paul:

12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Phil. 3:12-14

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Healing Depression through the Mind-Body-Spirit Connection

“Suffering is not caused by pain but by resisting pain.”~Unknown

Full story at: Healing Depression through the Mind-Body-Spirit Connection | Tiny Buddha.

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Pain Is A Part Of Life

Live Life Quotes, Love Life Quotes, Live Life Happy

via Pain Is A Part Of Life.

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Often it’s the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.

notsalmon

via Often it’s the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self..

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Recovery

Melody Beattie offers a simple explanation of codependency, acceptance, faith and recovery:

How easy it is to blame our problems on others. “Look at what he’s doing.” . . . “Look how long I’ve waited.” . . . “Why doesn’t she call?” . . . “If only he’d change then I’d be happy.” . . .

Often, our accusations are justified. We probably are feeling hurt and frustrated. In those moments, we may begin to believe that the solution to our pain and frustration is getting the other person to do what we want, or having the outcome we desire. But these self-defeating illusions put the power and control of our life in other people’s hands. We call this codependency.

The solution to our pain and frustration, however valid is to acknowledge our own feelings. We feel the anger, the grief; then we let go of the feelings and find peace – within ourselves. We know our happiness isn’t controlled by another person, even though we may have convinced ourselves it is. We call this acceptance.

Then we decide that although we’d like our situation to be different, maybe our life is happening this way for a reason. Maybe there is a higher purpose and plan in play, one that’s better than we could have orchestrated. We call this faith.

Then we decide what we need to do, what is within our power to do to take care of ourselves. That’s called recovery.

It’s easy to point our finger at another, but it’s more rewarding to gently point it at ourselves.

Today, I will live with my pain and frustration by dealing with my own feelings.” via Just For Today Meditations – Maintaining A Life.

If you struggle with codependency, I have three resources to recommend. One is to follow this blog via WordPress or Google Reader — I am continually sharing the good thoughts I find on defeating codependency. The two books that follow have been the most valuable resources I have found in my fight…

You can click the images to go to the book’s page on Amazon.com…

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Peace with the Past

Melody Beattie writes:

Holding on to the past, either through guilt, longing, denial, or resentment, is a waste of valuable energy – energy that can be used to transform today and tomorrow.

“I used to live in my past,” said one recovering woman. “I was either trying to change it, or I was letting it control me. Usually both.

“I constantly felt guilty about things that had happened. Things I had done; things others had done to me – even though I had made amends for most everything, the guilt ran deep. Everything was somehow my fault. I could never just let it go.

“I held on to anger for years, telling myself it was justified. I was in denial about a lot of things. Sometimes, I’d try to absolutely forget about my past, but I never really stopped and sorted through it; my past was like a dark cloud that followed me around, and I couldn’t shake clear of it. I guess I was scared to let it go, afraid of today, afraid of tomorrow.

I’ve been recovering now for years, and it has taken me almost as many years to gain the proper perspective on my past. I’m learning I can’t forget it; I need to heal from it. I need to feel and let go of any feelings I still have, especially anger.

“I need to stop blaming myself for painful events that took place, and trust that everything has happened on schedule, and truly all is okay. I’ve learned to stop regretting, and to start being grateful.

“When I think about the past, I thank God for the healing and the memory. If something occurs that needs an amend, I make it and am done with it. I’ve learned to look at my past with compassion for myself, trusting that my Higher Power was in control, even then.

“I’ve healed from some of the worst things that happened to me. I’ve made peace with myself about these issues, and I’ve learned that healing from some of these issues has enabled me to help others to heal too. I’m able to see how the worst things helped form my character and developed some of my finer points.

“I’ve even developed gratitude for my failed relationships because they have brought me to who and where I am today.

“What I’ve learned has been acceptance – without guilt, anger, blame, or shame. I’ve even had to learn to accept the years I spent feeling guilty, angry, shameful, and blaming.”

We cannot control the past. But we can transform it by allowing ourselves to heal from it and by accepting it with love for others and ourselves. I know, because that woman is me.

Today, I will begin being grateful for my past. I cannot change what happened, but I can transform the past by owning my power, now, to accept, heal, and learn from it.” via Just For Today Meditations » Blog.

2

Tolerance

 

Practice tolerance.

Tolerate our quirks, our feelings, our reactions, our peculiarities, and our humanness. Tolerate our ups and downs, our resistance to change, and our struggling and sometimes awkward nature.

Tolerate our fears, our mistakes, our natural tendency to duck from problems, and pain. Tolerate our hesitancy to get close, expose ourselves, and be vulnerable.

Tolerate our need to occasionally feel superior, to sometimes feel ashamed, and to occasionally share love as an equal. Tolerate the way we progress – a few steps forward, and a couple back.

Tolerate our instinctive desire to control and how we reluctantly learn to practice detachment. Tolerate the way we say we want love, and then sometimes push others away. Tolerate our tendency to get obsessive, forget to trust God, and occasionally get stuck.

Some things we do not tolerate. Do not tolerate abusive or destructive behaviors toward others or ourselves.

Practice healthy, loving tolerance of ourselves, said one man. When we do, we’ll learn tolerance for others. Then, take it one step further; learn that all the humanness we’re tolerating is what makes ourselves and others beautiful.

Today, I will be tolerant of myself. From that, I will learn appropriate tolerance of others.” via Just For Today Meditations » Blog.

 

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Drain Pain

Melody Beattie wrote:

No, I don’t mean a clogged kitchen sink or a shower stall that empties slowly.

I’m talking about allowing people, places and things to slowly and insidiously creep in and begin sucking the soul, energy, life force – and resources – out of us.  No matter how many years ago we learned about not being codependent, it can still happen to us. Again.

Drain Pain occurs so slowly and subtly, we may not see it happening.  Following you’ll find a list of symptoms and the remedy for each:

  • We leave our bodies – disconnect from ourselves. We’re experts at fleeing the body. We hover around ourselves doing everything except feeling what we feel and valuing ourselves. When this happens, we often feel numb, confused and afraid.  We may also feel emotional (generalized) pain. The thoughts that accompany this condition include:  I CAN’T STAND THIS ANYMORE.  IT, HE, SHE OR THEY IS OR ARE DRIVING ME INSANE.  This means it’s boundary-setting time again.
  • We complain about the same thing, behavior or person or problem for days, weeks, months or years but nobody hears us.  The cure for this means listening to ourselves.
  • We know that something’s wrong but we aren’t sure what it is (because we’re not listening to ourselves).   When we mention the problem to the Drainer(s) — the people or institutions in the first symptom above — they look at us askance and reassure us that nothing is wrong except us – who we are, how we feel and what we think is going on just isn’t occurring, they insist.  Remember the story from the first Language of Letting Go, about the scene in a movie where a wife catches her husband in his pickup truck?  He’s parked at the drive-in movie theatre all cuddled up and kissing with another woman. When the wife confronts him about having this affair, he denies it vehemently while the other woman sits there kissing his neck, arm, hand and more.  “What are you going to believe?” the infidel asks his wife.  “Me or what you think you see?”  Crazy as that sounds, it can easily describe us when we’re in codependent mode.
  • We feel tired, unfocused and somewhat like a Boxer looks (the dog, not Mohammed Ali) when it’s chasing not a tail, but the remnants of one before the vet clipped or docked it.  We’re caught up in trying to do the impossible. It’s time to assess what we can and can’t change and then put energy into assessing and solving the right problem – the real issue that’s going on.
  • We feel increasingly angry at the people, places or things in our personalized list in the first symptom above, but as soon as we feel anger we also start to feel guilt. The guilt’s not real.  It’s the codependent guilt that’s followed us around for most of our life. The guilt yammers about how there must be something wrong with us because the other person wouldn’t do that — whatever that is. We wonder what’s wrong with us for feeling this angry and then decide that the problem is us. ZZZZZT.   Wrong answer. Solution?  Look in the mirror and tell ourselves that who we are is okay.
  • Of all the signals that someone’s manipulating or lying to us, feeling cruddy and confused after our interactions with this person or institution — if they’ll stand still long enough to talk to us — ranks highest and indicates that it’s time to open our eyes, shake off the denial dust and start a self-care revival.” This is a long post. You can get the rest here: Drain Pain | Melody Beattie.
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Revenge

Melody Beattie writes:

No matter how long we’ve been recovering, no matter how solid our spiritual ground, we may still feel an overwhelming desire at times to punish, or get even, with another person.

We want revenge.

We want to see the other person hurt the way he or she has hurt us. We want to see life deal that person just rewards. In fact, we would like to help life out.

Those are normal feelings, but we do not have to act on them. These feelings are part of our anger but it’s not our job to deal justice.

We can allow ourselves to feel the anger. It is helpful to go one step deeper and let ourselves feel the other feelings – the hurt, the pain, the anguish. But our goal is to release the feelings, and be finished with them.

We can hold the other person accountable. We can hold the other person responsible. But it is not our responsibility to be judge and jury. Actively seeking revenge will not help us. It will block us and hold us back.

Walk away. Stop playing the game. Unhook. Learn your lesson. Thank the other person for having taught you something valuable. And be finished with it. Put it behind, with the lesson intact.

Acceptance helps. So does forgiveness – not the kind that invites that person to use us again, but a forgiveness that releases the other person and sets him or her free to walk a separate path, while releasing our anger and resentments. That sets us free to walk our own path.

Today, I will be as angry as I need to be, with a goal of finishing my business with others. Once I have released my hurt and anger, I will strive for healthy forgiveness – forgiveness with boundaries. I understand that boundaries, coupled with forgiveness and compassion, will move me forward.” via Just For Today Meditations – Daily Recovery Readings – September 16, 2012.

2

Being Both Strong and Hurt

“Pain is not a sign of weakness, but bearing it alone is a choice to grow weak.” ~from my book, Tiny Buddha via Tiny Wisdom: Being Both Strong and Hurt | Tiny Buddha.

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You Can Suffer The Pain, or…

Live Life Quotes, Love Life Quotes, Live Life Happy

via You Can Suffer The Pain.

2

Never Underestimate The Pain Of A Person

Live Life Quotes, Love Life Quotes, Live Life Happy

via Never Underestimate The Pain Of A Person.

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Celebrate

Melody Beattie writes:

Take time to celebrate.

Celebrate your successes, your growth, your accomplish­ments. Celebrate you and who you are.

For too long you have been too hard on yourself. Others have spilled their negative energy — their attitudes, beliefs, pain — on you. It had nothing to do with you! All along, you have been a gift to yourself and to the Universe.

You are a child of God. Beautiful, a delight, a joy. You do not have to try harder, be better, be perfect, or be anything you are not. Your beauty is in you, just as you are each moment.

Celebrate that.

When you have a success, when you accomplish something, enjoy it. Pause, reflect, rejoice. Too long you have listened to admonitions not to feel good about what you have done, lest you travel the downward road to arrogance.

Celebration is a high form of praise, of gratitude to the Creator for the beauty of God’s creation. To enjoy and celebrate the good does not mean that it will be taken from you. To celebrate is to delight in the gift, to show gratitude.

Celebrate your relationships! Celebrate the lessons from the past and the love and warmth that is there today. Enjoy the beauty of others and their connection to you.

Celebrate all that is in your life. Celebrate all that is good. Celebrate you!

Today, I will indulge in the joy of celebrating.” via August 26: Celebrate | Language of Letting Go.

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The best of @toddlohenry for 8/19/2012

  1. CLICK HERE for more life, love, friendship and inspiring quotes!
    quotediaryofficial
    Sun, Aug 19 2012 01:45:30

  2. “When I admire the wonder of a sunset or the beauty of the moon my soul expands in worship of the Creator.”Mahatma Gandhi
    simple-reminders
    Sat, Aug 18 2012 06:12:01

  3. CLICK HERE for more life, love, friendship and inspiring quotes!
    quotediaryofficial
    Sat, Aug 18 2012 13:24:06

  4. “There are always flowers for those who want to see them.”Henri Matisse
    simple-reminders
    Sun, Aug 19 2012 00:14:56
  5. The one person who most blocks you from a full, happy, and successful life is you. Yes, you yourself! He is therefore wise who makes himself an asset. We can be our own worst enemy or best friend. We can be a source of trouble or a cure for trouble. So if we feel empty, as many do, start getting free from yourself as a first step to vibrant living. Start by getting out of yourself. This method may be as simple as helping the next person you encounter. – Norman Vincent Peale, The Power of Positive Living
    5 tips to improve your life – Let Life in Practices
    Fri, Aug 17 2012 16:02:01

  6. “On the still calm waters of surrender, the reflections of clarity appear.” Bryant McGill
    simple-reminders
    Fri, Aug 17 2012 23:37:36

  7. Hut built over 5 years with salvaged materials, overlooking Lake Bonney in the southeast of South Australia. Submitted by Hugh Altschwager.
    cabinporn
    Fri, Aug 17 2012 23:37:44

  8. “To move forward simply set your intentions, be grateful for what you have, be open to what is possible, and the rest just happens as a beautiful and effortless flow.” Bryant McGill
    simple-reminders
    Fri, Aug 17 2012 18:45:50
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The best of @toddlohenry for 8/14/2012

  1. “Love is the answer, and you know that for sure; Love is a flower, you’ve got to let it grow.” John Lennon
    simple-reminders
    Tue, Aug 14 2012 08:01:48

  2. “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citzens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.”Margaret Mead
    simple-reminders
    Tue, Aug 14 2012 07:03:35
  3. “The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.” – Albert Einstein
    Today’s Quotes: New habits make new horizons!
    Mon, Aug 13 2012 19:02:58
  4. “New habits make new horizons. Silently and imperceptibly you are forming habits which will ultimately determine the degree of your happiness and success. Closely guard the quality of your thoughts, that they may lead to right habits and thence to right living. Recognize and use such supreme qualities as courage, faith, humility, loyalty, temperance, and integrity.” – Grenville Kleiser
    Today’s Quotes: New habits make new horizons!
    Tue, Aug 14 2012 06:19:06

  5. “Some pursue happiness, others create it.”Author Unknown
    simple-reminders
    Tue, Aug 14 2012 09:34:50
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Asking for What We Need

 

Melody Beattie writes:

Decide what it is you want and need, and then go to the person you need it from and ask for it.

Sometimes, it takes hard work and much energy to get what we want and need. We have to go through the pains of identifying what we want, then struggle to believe that we deserve it. Then, we may have to experience the disappointment of asking someone, having the person refuse us, and figuring out what to do next.

Sometimes in life, getting what we want and need is not so difficult. Sometimes, all we need to do is ask.

We can go to another person, or our Higher Power, and ask for what we need.

But because of how difficult it can be, at times, to get what we want and need, we may get trapped in the mind set of believing it will always be that difficult. Sometimes, not wanting to go through the hassle, dreading the struggle, or out of fear, we may make getting what we want and need much more difficult than it needs to be.

We may get angry before we ask, deciding that we’ll never get what we want, or anticipating the “fight” we’ll have to endure. By the time we talk to someone about what we want, we may be so angry that we’re demanding, not asking; thus our anger triggers a power play that didn’t exist except in our mind.

Or we may get so worked up that we don’t ask–or we waste far more energy than necessary fighting with ourselves, only to find out that the other person, or our Higher Power, is happy to give us what we want.

Sometimes, we have to fight and work and wait for what we want and need. Sometimes, we can get it just by asking or stating that this is what we want. Ask. If the answer is no, or not what we want, then we can decide what to do next.

Today, I will not set up a difficult situation that doesn’t exist with other people, or my Higher Power, about getting what I want and need. If there is something I need from someone, I will ask first, before I struggle.” via Just For Today Meditations » Blog.

 

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The Pain of Anticipating Pain

“If pleasures are greatest in anticipation, just remember that this is also true of troubles.” ~Elbert Hubbard

via Tiny Wisdom: The Pain of Anticipating Pain | Tiny Buddha.

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