Tag: Self-Help

Relationship Martyrs

Are you a relationship martyr? Consider this:

Many of us have gone so numb and discounted our feelings so completely that we have gotten out of touch with our needs in relationships.

We can learn to distinguish whose company we enjoy, whether we’re talking about friends, business acquaintances, dates, or spouses. We all need to interact with people we might prefer to avoid, but we don’t have to force ourselves through long-term or intimate relationships with these people.

We are free to choose friends, dates, and spouses. We are free to choose how much time we spend with those people we can’t always choose to be around, such as relatives. This is our life. This is it. We can decide how we want to spend our days and hours. We’re not enslaved. We’re not trapped. And not one of us is without options. We may not see our options clearly. Although we may have to struggle through shame and learn to own our power, we can learn to spend our valuable hours and days with the people we enjoy and choose to be with.

God, help me value my time and life. Help me place value on how I feel being around certain people. Guide me as I learn to develop healthy, intimate, sharing relationships with people. Help me give myself the freedom to experiment, explore, and learn who I am and who I can be in my relationships.

Source: Daily Meditation ~ Relationship Martyrs – Miracles In Progress Codependents Anonymous Group

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Hanging on to Old Relationships

More Melody Beattie:

“We want to travel baggage-free on this journey. It makes the trip easier.

Some of the baggage we can let go of is lingering feelings and unfinished business with past relationships: anger; resentments; feelings of victimization, hurt, or longing.

If we have not put closure on a relationship, if we cannot walk away in peace, we have not yet learned our lesson. That may mean we will have to have another go-around with that lesson before we are ready to move on.

We may want to do a Fourth Step (a written inventory of our relationships) and a Fifth Step (an admission of our wrongs). What feelings did we leave with in a particular relationship? Are we still carrying those feelings around? Do we want the heaviness and impact of that baggage on our behavior today?

Are we still feeling victimized, rejected, or bitter about something that happened two, five, ten, or even twenty years ago?

It may be time to let it go. It may be time to open ourselves to the true lesson from that experience. It may be time to put past relationships to rest, so we are free to go on to new, more rewarding experiences.

We can choose to live in the past, or we can choose to finish our old business from the past and open ourselves to the beauty of today.

Let go of your baggage from past relationships.

Today, I will open myself to the cleansing and healing process that will put closure on yesterday and open me to the best today, and tomorrow, has to offer in my relationships.” Source: Hanging on to Old Relationships

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Growing from Pain

“Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you; they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.” Bernice Johnson Reagon. Get more here: Growing from Pain and Using it to Discover Who You Are | Tiny Buddha: Wisdom Quotes, Letting Go, Letting Happiness In.

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When Other People Won’t Change

Lori Deschene writes:

“I’ve discovered that you can’t change people. They can change themselves.” Jim Rohn

We all want to be loved and accepted, just as we are. We want people to honor our interests, value our needs, and respect our choices in life.

So why, then, do we expect other people to sacrifice theirs for us?

Why do we hope people will change their goals, habits, and values to better align with ours when they haven’t given us any indication they’d be happier for doing it?

Why do we hope for it, bank on it, and then assume it will eventually happen just because of how badly we want it?

Sometimes we think we know what’s best for others, but if we’re honest with ourselves, we’ll likely realize we want people to change when it somehow benefits us.

I’m not talking about people who are violent, dangerous to themselves and others, or in any way abusive.

I’m talking about the boyfriend who isn’t as open-minded as you. Or the girlfriend who doesn’t value fitness like you. Or the husband who isn’t as social as you. Or the wife who doesn’t take risks like you.

I spent most of my twenties dating people who were completely incompatible with me.

I got involved with stoic men hoping they’d become more sentimental. I pursued self-professed bachelors hoping I’d be the one to make them want to commit. I even dated men who said they never wanted kids, hoping they’d change their minds because I did.

And why? Because those were the men who were there, and it felt safer to be with the wrong men than leave and risk not finding the right one.

Relationships are all about compromise, and there’s no such thing as a perfect match.

But we owe it to ourselves to recognize what’s non-negotiable in relationships so we don’t end up resentfully sacrificing our needs while secretly hoping the people we’re with will make it worth our while.

The people we want to change—there are others out there who’d accept and even value them, just as they are. We can choose to do that and appreciate them for all their unique quirks, interests, and preferences. Or we can set them free and create the possibility of finding people we’d never want to change.” via Tiny Wisdom: When Other People Won’t Change | Tiny Buddha: Wisdom Quotes, Letting Go, Letting Happiness In.

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Is Fear of Success Limiting Your Productivity?

English: Words associated with Fear

Most people will readily admit that they are afraid of failure.

But what about fear of success? Is it possible that you are afraid of success and it’s limiting what you want to do in life?

Do you often wonder why you are not as successful as you know you could be – or should be?

Do you blame it on circumstances? Time? Money? Or do you ever, gulp, blame it on yourself?

No way…right?

The truth is a lot of people are afraid of a lot of things. And there is lots of good advice out there to help you overcome many types of fears. But when it comes to success, most people who are afraid of it are not even aware of it.

So, how can you tell? How do you know if you’re one of those people who are afraid of success so you are unwittingly the one responsible for holding yourself back? CNN Money has a quiz you can take which includes the following questions:

  • Do you feel guilty about your own happiness if a friend tells you s/he is depressed?
  • Do you find yourself not telling others about your good luck so they won’t feel envious?
  • Do you have trouble saying no to people?
  • When you start a project do you suddenly find a bunch of others things you suddenly have to take care of?
  • Do you believe that people who look out for themselves are selfish?
  • Do you avoid asking for help because you’re afraid of bothering someone?

Did you answer “yes” to some of those questions? If you did, it’s entirely possible you’re afraid of success. But does it really matter? Is your fear really limiting you?

People who are afraid of achieving success can experience the following:

  • A noted lack of effort in achieving goals, personal, school, or financial
  • Self-destructive behavior
  • Inability to make decisions and choices
  • Lack of motivation
  • Underachievement
  • Belittling your achievements
  • Feeling guilty when you do succeed
  • Making the “wrong” choices to ensure you will not be happy and successful
  • General negativity

Clearly the answer is if you fear success then your life is less than it could be.

But what can you do? What can you do to overcome success-fear so you can get on with creating the life you want to live?” Get more here: Is Fear of Success Limiting Your Productivity?.

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This Moment Is Worth Savoring

Lori Deschene has this to say today:

“The journey is the reward.” ~Chinese Proverb

So much of our language about the things we enjoy in life revolves around getting ahead.

We wonder where our relationships are going. We plan to move forward in our careers. We talk about maintaining momentum with new projects.

None of these things are necessarily bad. We naturally crave growth to feel a sense of purpose and progress.

But sometimes we put so much energy into pushing and striving that we miss out on the joy of being where we are.

When we visualize ourselves taking a pause to fully absorb and appreciate our surroundings, it’s often after we’ve arrived. It’s when we’ve climbed the mountain and can finally stand proudly on its peak. It’s when we’ve made the commitment, secured the deal, or finished working on something we love.

From a purely mathematic standpoint, it’s clear we will have far fewer opportunities to enjoy arriving than we will have to enjoy the journey.

The question then becomes: Are we willing to relish in the many uncertain moments when we’re not sure yet where our efforts are leading?

I suspect it boils down to belief and intention.

If we believe we need to create massive change in order to experience joy, we will inevitably feel a sense of restlessness. This moment will feel like something we need to endure to get ahead—something painfully inadequate compared to where we’d rather be.

If we believe that every part of the process can be beautiful and joyful, we will feel a sense of calmness and peace. This moment will feel like something we need to savor while it lasts—something unique and worth celebrating, regardless of where it takes us.

We’re always going to want to spread our wings and fly. We crave freedom, adventure, and possibility, and we don’t want to feel stuck, bored, or limited.

Perhaps happiness is recognizing that we are never stuck. Even if we don’t recognize it, we are always growing and evolving, and the world we know is always changing.

Source: Tiny Wisdom: This Moment Is Worth Savoring | Tiny Buddha: Wisdom Quotes, Letting Go, Letting Happiness In

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Here’s Why It’s VITAL To Be 100% Self-Approved!

Mastin Kipp at The Daily Love has some good thoughts I’d like to amplify today…

With the uneducated approach to life, we tend to seek outward for things that are within us. Goals, intentions, desires, etc. are all well and good, but if the motive for why we want them goes unexamined, we can keep ourselves in a form of bondage.

One of the great mistakes in life is living life as an “If, then” statement. “If I get X, then I’ll be happy.” The goal is to be happy now.

So are you happy now? And if not, why not? Continue reading “Here’s Why It’s VITAL To Be 100% Self-Approved!” →

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10 Simple Ways to Find Happiness

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Mmmmm. Good thoughts from Barton Goldsmith at Psychology Today…

“We all want to feel happy, and each one of us has different ways of getting there. Here are 10 steps you can take to increase your joie de vivre and bring more happiness into your life: Continue reading “10 Simple Ways to Find Happiness” →

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Find a "Comfort Food" for your mind

Gretchen Rubin writes…

One common happiness question is: How do you give yourself a boost? If you’re feeling anxious, blue, angry, scared, what can you do to soothe yourself?

A few days ago, I posted 5 myths for fighting the blues. Okay, those don’t work very well. So what does?

One suggestion: find a “comfort food” for your mind. Know what you can do with your brain that will give yourself a comforting break from your worries, at least for a little while. By doing so, you’ll re-charge your battery, find it easier to stay calm and cheerful, find it easier to take action to remedy your situation—and you’ll sleep better. But this is easier said than done.

We all suffer from “negativity bias,” that is, we react to the bad more strongly and persistently than to the comparable good. (What do you remember better, a compliment or a criticism?) Research shows one consequence of negativity bias is that when people’s thoughts wander, they tend to begin to brood. Anxious or angry thoughts capture our attention more effectively than happier thoughts.

So if you’re feeling blue, look for ways to pull your mind away from your worries onto positive topics…

Source: The Happiness Project: Find a “Comfort Food” for Your Mind.

Go to the source if you’d like to read the rest of Gretchen’s post…

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On attachments…

Melody Beattie shares this today…

A friend called me one day. His shiny new car was in the garage for repairs again. “I should have gotten a truck, some­thing practical, that would start every day and get me to work,” he said. “If ever, ever I start screaming that I have to have something and can’t live without it, start screaming back at me until I stop.”

What’s attached to your self-esteem? Continue reading “On attachments…” →

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Let go of low self esteem

Self esteem

Melody Beattie shares this thought for today…

“Sell-esteem is so illusive,” said Amanda. “I’ve been work­ing on my self-esteem for years. The harder I work at it, the less I seem to have.”

I believe we can let go of low self-esteem. We can turn around lack of belief in ourselves. We can become willing to forgive ourselves. We can stop tolerating treatment that doesn’t feel good to us. We can look at the dangers of defin­ing ourselves by money, power, or prestige, or by whom we know and what we have. Ultimately, we can become willing to take care of ourselves and nurture ourselves through whatever experiences life may bring.

Twelve Step programs offer two Steps that can help us build self-esteem, acceptance, and self-love. Step Six says we become entirely ready to have God take our defects of char­acter. Step Seven says we humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings. The work isn’t easy, but it is worthwhile.

For now it’s enough to become willing to let go of our low self-esteem and all the ways that low self-esteem manifests in our lives.

God, please replace my low self-esteem with self-acceptance.

Source: April 2: Let Go of Low Self Esteem | Language of Letting Go

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Coping devices

Pain

Good stuff from Melody Beattie…

One of the silliest things we do to cope with life is devalu­ing ourselves when bad things happen to us.

We might have experienced a lot of pain while we were growing up. So as a child we looked around and said, “Yup. This must be my fault. There’s something wrong with me.” Continue reading “Coping devices” →

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Is happiness the secret of success?

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Some people think if you are happy, you are blind to reality. But when we research it, happiness actually raises every single business and educational outcome for the brain. How did we miss this? Why do we have these societal misconceptions about happiness? Because we assumed you were average.

When we study people, scientists are often interested in what the average is. If we study what is merely average, we will remain merely average.

Many people think happiness is genetic. That’s only half the story, because the average person does not fight their genes. When we stop studying the average and begin researching positive outliers — people who are above average for a positive dimension like optimism or intelligence — a wildly different picture emerges. Our daily decisions and habits have a huge impact upon both our levels of happiness and success.

via Is happiness the secret of success? – CNN.com.

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How To Escape? Understand, Really Understand The Rules of Life. Rule 6…

Richard Branson at the Virgin America OC Launch.

I found blogger Nicholas Bate through my friend David Kanigan. Are you following his ongoing series? Here’s his rule #6…

We have been seduced. Even though folk tales, our parents and pop song lyrics have warned us, we love to be seduced. But money, fast cars, sex, drugs and rock and roll do not make us happy-or certainly not beyond the instant application. But research does consistently show that the following will:
Growth and challenge. We human beings love a challenge. Because it gets us to grow. And we are meant to grow. We are not meant to stagnate: we get dulled, jaded, and unhappy. Of course what that challenge is for you,only you can find out. It might be teaching disadvantaged children, it might be becoming a gardener, or building a multi-national organisation.
Nurturing our Nature. But what ‘growth’ is doing, of course, is allowing us to nurture our nature. To take the genetic gifts we have and use them, to enjoy them. Again, no one can tell you what those are. No-don’t try and be Richard Branson-simply be the best version of you that you can be; that’s what nurturing your nature really means. And as you challenge yourself you’ll find out more about what your true nature is.
Do it with passion (or pack it in). And once you are nurturing your nature you will want to do it with passion. You’ll love it. You won’t be able to help it. And if you don’t: it’s telling you something. Pack it in as soon as you conceivably can.
Balance your compass. You know what a geographical compass is. If it is not set correctly, you’re in a mess. You’ll get lost. The same applies to your personal compass. Set it correctly and the path is yours. You’ll get there and you will enjoy the journey. Ensure you know what you want for your (1) career; what are you going to do? How are you going to earn money? (2) mind/body: are you looking after them? How? (3) finances: what state are they in? What needs action? (4) relationships: which ones need some attention? (5) fun: are you having fun-if not, what’s the point? (6) contribution: that’s the one which make us all tick, really. Where’s your contribution?

Source: How To Escape? Understand, Really Understand The Rules of Life. Rule 6 – Nicholas Bate

I like “do it with passion or pack it in”. How about you? Go to the source if you’d like to download his free ebook…

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Healthy Relationships

Icon from Nuvola icon theme for KDE 3.x.

I stumbled upon this this morning…

Communication is a key part to building a healthy relationship. The first step is making sure you both want and expect the same things — being on the same page is very important. The following tips can help you create and maintain a healthy relationship:

  • Speak Up. In a healthy relationship, if something is bothering you, it’s best to talk about it instead of holding it in.
  • Respect Your Partner. Your partner’s wishes and feelings have value. Let your significant other know you are making an effort to keep their ideas in mind. Mutual respect is essential in maintaining healthy relationships.
  • Compromise. Disagreements are a natural part of healthy relationships, but it’s important that you find a way to compromise if you disagree on something. Try to solve conflicts in a fair and rational way.
  • Be Supportive. Offer reassurance and encouragement to your partner. Also, let your partner know when you need their support. Healthy relationships are about building each other up, not putting each other down.
  • Respect Each Other’s Privacy. Just because you’re in a relationship, doesn’t mean you have to share everything and constantly be together. Healthy relationships require space.

Source: Healthy Relationships | www.loveisrespect.org

Go to the source if you’d like to know more…

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How You Can Use Negative Emotions To Create Massive Positive Change!

We are heading straight into the New Year! 2012 is almost here. If you’re like me and a lot of folks, this time of year can bring up all different types of emotions. The space away from work and the normal routine may put you in touch with emotions you may not feel the rest of the year.

So, if those emotions are there – it’s up to YOU to choose what to do with them. You see, emotions are like fuel. They push us to act – or not act. Many times the emotions we feel influence us to do things, either consciously or unconsciously. Today is a great day to get in touch with the emotions you are feeling. Take a second, breathe, stop what you are doing, try to stop thinking and just feel. Notice what emotions you are feeling. What are you feeling right below the surface? Anxiety? Worry? Joy? Happiness? Fear? Worry? Doubt? Elation? Positive Expectation? Negative Expectation? Whatever it is, notice it.

Now, take a moment and write down what you are feeling. Then ask yourself, why am I feeling this way? If an answer doesn’t come right away, that’s ok. Just sit with the question for a moment.

Now comes the critical choice that up until now you may not have been making consciously. I know that until I discovered I could use the fuel of emotion for good or for bad, I wasn’t consciously deciding to use it for good.

Source: How You Can Use Negative Emotions To Create Massive Positive Change!

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Quashing the Self-Improvement Urge

Leo Babauta

Leo Babauta has some interesting thoughts on his blog this morning…

One of the driving forces of my life for many years was the need to improve myself. It’s one of the driving forces for people who read my work as well.

It’s an incredibly pervasive urge: we are always trying to improve, and if we’re not, that’s something we should improve.

It’s everywhere. Where does this urge come from? It’s embedded in our culture — in the U.S. from Benjamin Franklin to the early entrepreneurial titans, everyone is trying to better themselves. It goes deeper, to ancient Western ideals of the perfect well-rounded person. But it flourished in the 20th century, from Dale Carnegie and Napoleon Hill to Stephen Covey. And now it’s in full bloom, with blogs. And yes, I’m part of this movement.

So what’s the problem? You could say it’s great that people are constantly trying to improve themselves, but where does it end? When is anyone ever content with who they are? We are taught that we are not good enough yet, that we must improve, and so … we always feel a little inadequate.

Source: » Quashing the Self-Improvement Urge :zenhabits

Go to the source if you’re interested in the rest of his perspective…

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Detaching in Love

English: pink lily flower
Image via Wikipedia

Detachment is a key to recovery from codependency. It strengthens our healthy relationships the ones that we want to grow and flourish. It benefits our difficult relations hips the ones that are teaching us to cope. It helps us!

Detachment is not something we do once. It’s a daily behavior in recovery. We learn it when we’re beginning our recovery from codependency and adult children issues. And we continue to practice it along the way as we grow and change, and as our relationships grow and change.

We learn to let go of people we love, people we like, and those we don’t particularly care for. We separate ourselves, and our process, from others and their process.

We relinquish our tight hold and our need to control in our relationships. We take responsibility for ourselves; we allow others to do the same. We detach with the understanding that life is unfolding exactly as it needs to, for others and ourselves. The way life unfolds is good, even when it hurts. And ultimately, we can benefit from even the most difficult situations. We do this with the understanding that a Power greater than ourselves is in charge, and all is well.

Today, I will apply the concept of detachment, to the best of my ability, in my relationships. if I can’t let go completely, I’ll try to “hang on loose”

December 10: Detaching in Love | Language of Letting Go

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Giving

Icon from Nuvola icon theme for KDE 3.x.

Good thoughts this morning from Melody Beattie…

Learning to be a healthy giver can be a challenge. Many of us got caught up in compulsive giving charitable acts motivated by uncharitable feelings of guilt, shame, obligation, pity, and moral superiority.

We now understand that caretaking and compulsive giving don’t work. They backfire. Caretaking keeps us feeling victimized.

Many of us gave too much, thinking we were doing things right; then we became confused because our life and relationships weren’t working. Many of us gave so much for so long, thinking we were doing God’s will; then in recovery, we refused to give, care, or love for a time.

That’s okay. Perhaps we needed a rest. But healthy giving is part of healthy living. The goal in recovery is balance caring that is motivated by a true desire to give, with an underlying attitude of respect for ourselves and others. The goal in recovery is to choose what we want to give, to whom, when, and how much. The goal in recovery is to give, and not feel victimized by our giving.

Are we giving because we want to, because it’s our responsibility? Or are we giving because we feel obligated, guilty, ashamed, or superior? Are we giving because we feel afraid to say no? Are the ways we try to assist people helpful, or do they prevent others from facing their true responsibilities? Are we giving so that people will like us or feel obligated to us? Are we giving to prove we’re worthy? Or are we giving because we want to give and it feels right?

Recovery includes a cycle of giving and receiving. It keeps healthy energy flowing among us, our Higher Power, and others. It takes time to learn how to give in healthy ways. It takes time to learn to receive. Be patient. Balance will come.

God, please guide my giving and my motives today

December 5: Giving | Language of Letting Go

I gave because I expected something in return; I wanted people to think I’m brilliant and to be eternally indebted to me when I helped them. It didn’t work. I’m getting healthier now…

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Positive Energy

“It’s so easy to look around and notice what’s wrong.

It takes practice to see what’s right.

Many of us have lived around negativity for years. We ye become skilled at labeling what’s wrong with other people, our life, our work, our day, our relationships, ourselves, our conduct, our recovery.

We want to be realistic, and our goal is to identify and accept reality. However, this is often not our intent when we practice negativity. The purpose of negativity is usually annihilation.

Negative thinking empowers the problem. It takes us out of harmony. Negative energy sabotages and destroys. It has a powerful life of its own.

So does positive energy. Each day, we can ask what’s right, what’s good about other people, our life, our work, our day, our relationships, ourselves, our conduct, our recovery.

Positive energy heals, conducts love, and transforms. Choose positive energy.

Today, God help me let go of negativity. Transform my beliefs and thinking, at the core, from negative to positive. Put me in harmony with the good. ” Source; November 19: Positive Energy | Language of Letting Go

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7 Goals You Should Accomplish in 10 Years

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Life and everything in it revolves around balanced equations. The numbers are critical. Just the slightest imbalance and big issues arise. Keeping this in mind when setting personal goals, we should first take stock of where we already are. Perhaps you have done quite well financially, but your personal relationships are severely lacking. Maybe your marriage is secure and amicable, but in the area of romance the fire has long dimmed. We need to take an honest assessment of where we have succeeded and where we have failed. Then we can determine how to proceed forward. With this in mind, here are 7 areas of life to focus on for the next 10 years of your life plan.

via markmerrill.com

Follow the ‘via’ link if you’d like to know the 7 Goals…

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