Jung wrote that our suffering arises from the unseen, unfelt parts of our psyche. This talk explores ways we can establish a healing presence by recognizing and communicating with the parts of our being that we habitually ignore or judge…
Brigitte Meinders writes:
The word “Namaste” has become quite mainstream thanks to the explosive popularity of the yoga industry in recent years. I’m sure you’ve said it before, and you probably have an idea of the general meaning of it. It’s a way for your soul to recognize and acknowledge the soul of another.
It would be amazing if more people took the time to really understand why we should ALL be saying Namaste to one another, and were able to shift their perspective a little bit to see other people for what they really are.
Think of yourself as a vessel filled with light. Light that changes colors depending on what angle you are looking at it, and those colors represent the many experiences you’ve had in your life. Your soul has become all of the sunsets you’ve watched, the ocean air you’ve breathed, the friends you’ve made, the love you’ve shared, the times that made you laugh and cry. You are all of your experiences.
Each and every person out there is the same way. The person in the car next to you, the cashier at the grocery store, your mailman, your friend, your spouse, even that annoying co-worker… they all carry with them that same ever-changing light, a spectrum of colors that uniquely defines them and their life experiences. They too have experienced love and pain, they have their history, their own things they hold dear, and have seen their own beautiful sights. No two are the same, yet we all have it inside us.
It’s so easy to see only the surface of a person and dismiss them for only what they are presenting to you in a given situation. But we’re all connected in that we carry around our entire life — each experience you have, each interaction, all of it is with you all the time.
The next time you find yourself passing a person on the street, in a meeting, or talking with your friends, try to be aware of the enormity of what they’re actually carrying around with them. Practicing this makes the ability to forgive and accept much easier.
To me, Namaste means that I see you. I understand we’re both souls trying to make our way in this world, all part of some larger plan. I know that while the color of our lights may shine differently, we all share the same internal fire, and my soul bows to and acknowledges that in your soul.
I really enjoyed this talk from Tara Brach‘s meditation series featuring Tsoknyi Rinpoche; perhaps you will as well…
In case you are wondering, I am not a Buddhist — I am a recovering Catholic if you must know! It’s just that lately, the Uni-verse has been using people who are Buddhist to teach me. Keeping an open mind to the wisdom of their message has helped me to open my heart…
For most of my life, I have been a bitter, resentful, angry person. The story that I tell myself is that I came by it honestly. I’m a classic case of a person who suffered early childhood trauma around abandonment and rejection issues and much of my life has been spent in trying to get the people in my life now to make up for the things done by the people in my past. When this plan didn’t work [for reasons that are obvious to me now] I reacted with resentment and anger; first toward myself and then toward others… Continue reading “Which wolf will you feed?”
Do you think peace requires an end to war?
Or tigers eating only vegetables?
Does peace require an absence from
your boss, your spouse, yourself?
Do you think peace will come some other place than here?
Some other time than Now?
In some other heart than yours?
Peace is this moment without judgment.
That is all. This moment in the Heart-space
where everything that is is welcome.
Peace is this moment without thinking
that it should be some other way,
that you should feel some other thing,
that your life should unfold according to your plans.
Peace is this moment without judgment,
this moment in the heart-space where
everything that is is welcome.
via Dorothy Hunt Poetry.
Kristin Neff writes:
In my work I have defined self-compassion as having three main interacting components: self-kindness, a sense of common humanity and mindfulness. Self-kindness refers to the tendency to be caring and understanding with oneself rather than being harshly critical or judgmental. Instead of taking a cold “stiff-upper-lip” approach in times of suffering, self-kindness offers soothing and comfort to the self. Common humanity involves recognizing that all humans are imperfect, fail and make mistakes. It connects one’s own flawed condition to the shared human condition so that one can take greater perspective towards one’s personal shortcomings and difficulties. Mindfulness involves being aware of one’s painful feelings in a clear and balanced manner so that one neither ignores nor obsesses about disliked aspects of oneself or one’s life.
For the past decade or so I’ve been conducting research on self-compassion and have found that people who are compassionate to themselves are much less likely to be depressed, anxious and stressed and are much more likely to be happy, resilient and optimistic about their future. In short, they have better mental health.
The power of self-compassion is not just an idea; it’s very real and actually manifests in our bodies. When we soothe our own pain, we are tapping into the mammalian care-giving system. And one important way the care-giving system works is by triggering the release of oxytocin. Research indicates that increased levels of oxytocin strongly increase feelings of trust, calm, safety, generosity and connectedness and facilitates the ability to feel warmth and compassion for ourselves. Oxytocin is released in a variety of social situations, including when a mother breastfeeds her child, when parents interact with their young children or when someone gives or receives a soft, tender caress. Because thoughts and emotions have the same effect on our bodies whether they’re directed to ourselves or to others, this research suggests that self-compassion may be a powerful trigger for the release of oxytocin.
Self-criticism appears to have a very different effect on our body. The amygdala is the oldest part of the brain and is designed to quickly detect threats in the environment. When we experience a threatening situation, the fight-or-flight response is triggered: the amygdala sends signals that increase blood pressure, adrenaline and the hormone cortisol, mobilizing the strength and energy needed to confront or avoid a threat. Although this system was designed by evolution to deal with physical attacks, it is activated just as readily by emotional attacks — by ourselves or others. Recent research indicates that generating feelings of self-compassion actually decreases our cortisol levels. In one study conducted by Helen Rockliff and her colleagues, researchers asked participants to imagine receiving compassion and feeling it in their bodies. Every minute they were told things like, “Allow yourself to feel that you are the recipient of great compassion; allow yourself to feel the loving-kindness that is there for you.” It was found that the participants given these instructions had lower cortisol levels after the imagery than those in the control group. Participants also demonstrated increased heart rate variability afterwards. The safer people feel, the more open and flexible they can be in response to their environment, and this is reflected in how much their heart rate varies in response to stimuli. So you could say that by giving themselves compassion, participants’ hearts actually opened and became less defensive.
When we soothe our painful feelings with the healing balm of self-compassion, not only are we changing our mental and emotional experience, we’re also changing our body chemistry. An effective aspect of self-compassion practice, therefore, is to tap into our body’s self-healing system through physical sensations.
This means that an easy way to calm and comfort yourself when you’re feeling bad is through soothing touch. It seems a bit silly at first, but your body doesn’t know that. It just responds to the physical gesture of warmth and care, just as a baby responds to being held in its mother’s arms. Remember, physical touch releases oxytocin, reduces cortisol and calms cardiovascular stress. So why not try it? If you notice that you’re feeling tense, upset or self-critical, try giving yourself a warm hug, or tenderly stroking your arm or face, or gently rocking your body. What’s important is that you make a clear gesture that conveys feelings of love, care and tenderness. If other people are around, you can often fold your arms in a non-obvious way, gently squeezing yourself in a comforting manner. Notice how your body feels after receiving the hug or caress. Does it feel warmer, softer, calmer? It’s amazing how easy it is to tap into mammalian care-giving system and change your biochemical experience.
via Kristin Neff: The Chemicals of Care: How Self-Compassion Manifests in Our Bodies.
Kristin Neff writes:
We know how much it hurts. “I’m an idiot!” “I’m disgusting.” “No one will ever love me.” “What a lame-ass.”
So why do we do it? As soon as we ask ourselves this question, we often just pile on more self-criticism. “I’m such a bitch, even to myself.” “That’s why I’m such a loser, I’m always putting myself down.”
Don’t beat yourself up for beating yourself up in the vain hope that somehow it will help you stop beating yourself up. Instead, take a step back, and give your inner critic some slack. In its ineffective, counterproductive way, your inner critic is actually trying to keep you safe.
As humans we have two main evolved safety systems. The oldest and most quickly triggered is the threat defense system, which involves the amygdala. When we sense danger, our response is typically fight, flight, freeze, or submit: We turn and fight the threat, run like hell away from the threat, play dead in hopes the threat will pass, or show our bellies and hope the threat will be placated. These strategies are very successful for animals living in the wild, helping them to survive and pass on their genes. For humans, however, these responses often just make things worse. That’s because the threat we’re usually facing is a threat to our self-concept. We confuse our thoughts and representations of ourselves for our actual selves, meaning that when our self-image is under siege, we react as if our very existence is threatened. When this happens, our threat defense system uses the same strategies to stay safe:
Fight — we beat ourselves up emotionally, using cruel language to cut ourselves down.
Flight — we become anxious and restless, fleeing from ourselves by numbing out or using distractions like food or alcohol.
Freeze — we get stuck in rumination, thinking about our perceived inadequacies over and over again.
Submit — we admit that yes, we’re terrible, and accept all the harsh judgments we throw at ourselves.
More often than not we engage in some combination of all these strategies. Our stress levels go up as our amygdala activates our sympathetic nervous system (which arouses us so we can deal with threats) and floods our system with adrenaline and cortisol. And it’s a double whammy because when we criticize ourselves, we are both the attacker and the attacked. This type of chronic stress can eventually lead to anxiety and depression, undermining our physical and emotional wellbeing.
Still, it’s important to remember that when our inner critic attacks, at root it is trying to ward off danger. Marshal Rosenberg, author of the book Non-Violent Communication, says self-criticism is the “tragic expression of an unmet need.” It’s tragic because self-criticism makes us feel horrible and doesn’t effectively motivate productive change. (See my blog “The Motivational Power of Self-Compassion.”) But if we look closely — our inner critic cares. There is some safety need it is trying to meet. Our inner critic wants us to be happy, but doesn’t know a better way to go about it. Let’s say you criticize yourself for not going to the gym, calling yourself a “lazy slob.” At some level, your inner critic is reacting out of concern that if you don’t go to the gym you won’t be healthy, or that you’ll be rejected by others. We can be kind and compassionate to this part of ourselves, because at some level it has our best interests at heart. And believe it or not, by giving compassion to our inner critic, we are moving out of the threat defense system and into our other safety system.
As mammals, we also evolved the attachment/affiliation system as a survival strategy. Mammals have the innate capacity to be soothed by warmth and affection, meaning that our young are likely to stay near caregivers, be protected, and survive. The care-giving system deactivates the sympathetic nervous system (reducing cortisol) and activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which calms us down. This route to emotional safety is much more effective — reducing our stress and anxiety rather than exacerbating it. And it gives us the emotional balance needed to make wise decisions, including making behavioral changes if needed. (I write about self-compassion and the mammalian care-giving system in my blog “The Chemicals of Care.”)
So the next time you find yourself in the throws of harsh self-criticism, instead of beating yourself up for beating yourself up, thank your inner critic for its efforts, then try the strategy of giving yourself some compassion instead. It’s more effective, and a lot less painful!
Full story at: Kristin Neff: Why We Need to Have Compassion for Our Inner Critic.
Ally Palmer writes:
- Everyone’s a work in progress: Nobody’s perfect including yourself so stop putting so much pressure on yourself to be so.
- You have unique strengths: There’s a quality you have right now that someone else wishes they had. Stop focusing on what you don’t have and make the best of what you do.
- Your strength lies in your ability to be okay with your weaknesses: We don’t have to be ashamed of our weaknesses. We’re human, we all have them. When you simply accept that you have weaknesses, you can stop spending so much energy trying to hide them. Continue reading “10 Reasons Why You’re Enough Just the Way You Are”
When you have been
at war with yourself
for so many years that
you have forgotten why,
when you have been driving
for hours and only
gradually begin to realize
that you have lost the way,
when you have cut
hastily into the fabric,
when you have signed
papers in distraction,
when it has been centuries
since you watched the sun set
or the rain fall, and the clouds,
drifting overhead, pass as flat
as anything on a postcard;
when, in the midst of these
everyday nightmares, you
understand that you could
wake up,
you could turn
and go back
to the last thing you
remember doing
with your whole heart:
that passionate kiss,
the brilliant drop of love
rolling along the tongue of a green leaf,
then you wake,
you stumble from your cave,
blinking in the sun,
naming every shadow
as it slips.
via From Out the Cave by Joyce Sutphen | The Writer’s Almanac with Garrison Keillor.
If this poem resonates with you, you might enjoy this meditation from Tara Brach; Stepping out of the cave…
Tara Brach may be glad to know that I have ‘discovered’ her work [I find the ‘discovery’ process, how things come to us and the language around it amusing at times]. In any case, thanks to Kristin Barton Cuthriell I became aware of the term ‘radical acceptance‘ a few week ago and devoured Tara Brach’s book by the same name shortly thereafter. I look forward to reading her book True Refuge when I can get a copy but until then I have been listening to her teaching via her podcast. Today on her blog, I found this video recording of one of these podcast meditations that I want to share with you here…
btw, Kristin — I’m very jealous you get to attend one of these meditations soon… :-D
Chloe Park writes:
Living in a state of surrender takes a lot of letting go of control and allowing the universe to do its thing. At a certain point in life, we (hopefully) come to the realization that there are aspects of life beyond our own egoic human control. The only thing we have real control over is ourselves: how we show up in life, our actions, our thoughts, our speech, how we engage in relationships, etc. Letting go of the illusion and assumption that, “My own perspective, beliefs, conditionings, rules and regulations of existing are the underlying foundation for everyone else’s perspective, beliefs, conditionings, rules and regulations of existing,” will bring you a lot more freedom and peace. Even more than that, it will give you reality.
The reality is that each and every one of us is experiencing life through a different lens, different vantage point, different shutter speed, different filter, different camera, different make, and different model. Imagine that. Here are some ways in which you may release your grasp of control and force to live in a state of ease, acceptance and surrender.
Get the rest here: 5 Ways To Surrender To The Inevitable And Accept A Better Life.
Melody Beattie writes:
Self-acceptance is a more humble term than self-esteem or self-love. Self-love has tones of narcissism—me first and to heck with you. Self-esteem rings of pride—holding ourselves up higher than everybody else. Self-acceptance is that gentle place we get to when we make peace with who we are.
“For a long time, when I talked to certain people. I got squeamish and uncomfortable. like it wasn’t okay to be me.” a friend said. “I thought it was me being uncomfortable with myself. I’ve finally learned that I’m responding to how uncomfortable some people feel about themselves.”
We might feel so awkward about ourselves that we believe we have to be different from who we are. Some of that comes from low self-worth, not believing that we’re okay. Or it can stem from a need to control. We think if we pretend to be different or better. we can manipulate how other people feel about us.
If self-acceptance is an issue with you [as it is with me] may I suggest the following book which has been giving me deep insights in this area:
Marissa Håkansson writes:
If you lead a busy life, common advice on how to create balance might include cutting out what’s least important, becoming more efficient, or adding relaxing activities to counteract your busyness.
This is helpful advice. However, I’ve also found that no matter how much balance we try to create in our external lives, it’s really how we feel on the inside that counts. We need to feel balanced, grounded, and well within our inner world before we can genuinely feel at ease.
To achieve this, you need to make a shift. Instead of slowing things down in your external life (with the intention of influencing how you feel internally), start slowing down internally, and see how it influences your external life.
This is living from the inside-out. It’s about being present in the moment and conscious of what’s going on for you at all levels: physically, mentally, emotionally, energetically and spiritually.
Living from the inside-out helps you embody your experiences fully and live with greater awareness. Conversely, when you’re living from the outside-in, you’re likely spending a lot time caught up in thinking, which only exacerbates your busyness.
When you allow your inner world to guide your outer world, you’re more conscious of how you are moving through each day and interacting with the world. How to do we create this shift?
Continue reading “Feel More Balanced Without Changing Your Life: 3 Simple Steps”
Kristin Barton Cuthriell got me started with her post this morning and I can’t let this thought go. Here, an eHow contributor give instructions on how to practice radical acceptance:
Radical acceptance is the practice of accepting life on its own terms and finding effective strategies to cope with whatever is happening. It doesn’t mean being passive, but accepting “what is” with the understanding that you have the power of choice. Practicing radical acceptance is a choice that can ease stress and depression and enhance your overall quality of life.
Get the instructions here: How to Practice Radical Acceptance | eHow.com.
“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” ~Oscar Wilde
Full story at: Ending Codependency in Relationships: Find And Live Who You Really Are | Tiny Buddha.
Melody Beattie writes:
When people with a compulsive disorder do whatever it is they are compelled to do, they are not saying they don’t love you – they are saying they don’t love themselves.
—Codependent No MoreGentle people, gentle souls, go in love.
Yes, at times we need to be firm, assertive: those times when we change, when we acquire a new behavior, when we need to convince others and ourselves we have rights.
Those times are not permanent. We may need to get angry to make a decision or set a boundary, but we can’t afford to stay resentful. It is difficult to have compassion for one who is victimizing us, but once we’ve removed ourselves as victims, we can find compassion.
Our path, our way, is a gentle one, walked in love – love for self, love for others. Set boundaries. Detach. Take care of ourselves. And as quickly as possible, do those things in love.
Today, and whenever possible. God let me be gentle with others and myself. Help me find the balance between assertive action taken in my own best interests, and love for others. Help me understand that at times those two ideas are one. Help me find the right path for me.
Bright, shiny objects! 
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