Tag: Pain

The Secrets That Keep Happy Couples Together

Cynthia Belmer shares this:

What makes a relationship work? What can couples do to stay happy in their relationship, especially in this modern age with stress all around us?

Everyone wants to make their relationship last and everyone wants to feel loved, happy, and in harmony with their partner, but few experience it.

Harmony is about a mutual agreement of giving and receiving in the most balanced, loving and humble way, while maintaining the space needed for self-nurturing and self-love. You can realize it and live it in your relationship when you:

1. Become best friends. Understand the likes, dislikes, the fears, the pain and the gain of your partner and ask open-ended questions.

2. Explore your common vision for the future. Discuss your goals and your visions for the future. How does a great and lasting relationship look like to you? Follow through with this view and commit to realizing and nurturing it.

3. Be humble. Take responsibility of our own actions and say that you’re sorry when you mess up.

4. Be generous. Allow yourself to give with humbleness, to appreciate with love, to forgive with softness, to listen with care and to compromise while receiving your needs in return.

5. Invest in your own and constant self-growth. Follow through with your interests, your goals, your emotional needs and wants and share them with your partner.

6. Trust. Speak your truth, always and allow both of your fears to surface and share them gently together.

7. Listen and never forget. Listen very carefully to your partner and remember what interests them, what they enjoy, they dislike and most importantly, remember their stories.

8. Allow spaciousness. Give some alone time to yourself and your partner and do unique things that you enjoy and that make you feel good.

9. Get intimate. Express your love through hugging, kissing, caressing, cuddling, holding, and other forms of physical affection.

10. Have faith. Never give up on realizing the picture of a great relationship, especially when going through a big storm.

So my question to you is: If you were to make a change so you could live happily and in harmony in your relationship, what would you be doing?

via The Secrets That Keep Happy Couples Together.

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The Worst Kind of Betrayal

I had never heard of Brené Brown until a few weeks ago when my friend Tim Kastelle referenced her on his blog. Now, she is everywhere in my life – I think the universe is sending me a message. Here is a great post by Lissa Rankin on some of Brené’s thinking:

I was reading my shero Brené Brown’s new book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead when I reached page fifty-one and my heart stopped in an “OMG, how did she read my mind, and how did she know exactly how to give language to something that’s been hurting for years?” sort of way.

Continue reading “The Worst Kind of Betrayal” →
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Rule 12: Live in Alignment

feat-craigharper.pngCraig Harper writes:

“Living in alignment.” Have you heard this expression before? It gets thrown around quite a lot these days and to be honest, it can be one of those cheesey, over-used clichés that gets way too much mileage in an already-cheesey personal development landscape but at the risk of immersing both of us in mozzarella, I thought I’d share what it means to me and how creating and living a life of alignment can transform our day-to-day, multi-dimensional emotional, physical, psychological and practical existence for the better.

So, what does ‘living in alignment’ mean?

“Living in alignment means living a life which is reflective of, and in alignment with, our core values, beliefs and principles.”

Q. What’s the point of living in alignment?
A. Authenticity and happiness.

When our typical choices, behaviours, habits and outcomes are reflective of our core values, then we’re in balance. We’re being true to ourselves. Consciously living a life of alignment produces less stress, less frustration, less misery and even less physical illness. And, therefore, more peace, satisfaction, happiness and health.

Who’s out of alignment?

  • The girl who says she wants to be healthy but continues to smoke.
  • The guy who says he values fidelity but cheats on his partner.
  • The girl who expects loyalty from others but betrays her friends.
  • The guy who criticises others while ignoring his own faults.
  • The minister who doesn’t walk the talk.
  • The speaker who advocates work-life balance while working a million hours each week.
  • The personal trainer who preaches health and self-control during the week while abusing alcohol every weekend.
  • The person who loves nature but never leaves suburbia.
  • The highly-principled employee who turns a blind eye to unethical behaviour in the workplace.
  • Anyone who doesn’t listen to their body.
  • Anyone who ignores their inner wisdom.
  • Anyone who consciously compromises their values.

Sounds good in theory but…

While it all makes sense in theory, sometimes the practical reality of our life situation means that ‘living our values’ twenty-four-seven can be a major challenge. I agree. And that’s okay. Nobody said it would be easy or painless. Everything worthwhile comes at a cost. The question is whether or not we’re prepared to make the necessary investment. Sometimes, the price of alignment is high in the short term but totally worth it over the long haul.

Sometimes, choosing to live our values means taking a backward step in certain areas. It means getting uncomfortable and doing what scares us. It might mean changing, or even ending, certain relationships. It could mean ruffling a few feathers, getting noses out of joint and standing up for what we know is right (for us). Sometimes the right thing is not the easy thing and, sometimes, the only approval we need is our own.

By the way, people-pleasers rarely live in alignment because they are always compromising.

How did I end up here?

Sometimes, we allow certain situations, circumstances, expectations (of others) and relationships to gradually come between us and the life we want to build and inhabit. We don’t do it intentionally or consciously but we do it. Most of us have woken up at some stage of our journey only to say something like “how on earth did I end up in this place (literally or metaphorically)? This wasn’t my plan. This wasn’t my intention. This isn’t who I want to be.”

So, how can you live a life of alignment?

Step 1: Get clear about your core values, beliefs and principles (not anyone else’s, yours).
Step 2: Build a life around those things. No matter what.

Is it easy? Not always.
Possible? Yes.
Worth it? Definitely.

If you liked this article, subscribe to my blog and get a my FREE eBook, click here: I want a FREE eBook. You can also check out My Best Selling Book, and My Best Selling Video (Trailer).

Source: Rule 12: Live in Alignment

By the way, if you want some help on discovering your core values, I strongly recommend this 5 minute video I curated earlier this week…

1

Don’t beat yourself up

In Year 1 of recovery, i was so excited to be free of the disease that i did not care where i had come from. Now in Year 2, the sheer distance i’ve covered makes it impossible not to notice where i was.

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

That quote is from the AA Big Book, more specifically The Promises. That quote is testament to the fact that i am not fully recovered, because i still disagree with many of my readers and harbor regrets about my past actions.Lately, memories come back to me at random moments, like stepping on shards of broken mirrors hidden in the carpet. Memories of how i mistreated friends, hurt those that love me, and even damaged my children cut me to my core.The further i distance myself from the asshole i was, the more i realize what an asshole i was. It hurts to see how i behaved. That i did not know better does not lessen the pain.That it means i am far enough removed from that guy to be shocked, however, does take away the sting, if only a little.

via Past – Tense « Al K Hall-ic Anonymous.

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{ask gem} on living a fulfilling life

Gemma Stone is one of my favorites. She recently posted this:

I was recently asked to write a piece for this book.  While I was writing this with teens in mind, I’ve learned that many of us {myself included} have an inner teen that could use some lovin’. I’m publishing this piece for anyone with an inner-teen who needs some guidance.

Life isn’t meant to be perfect, and neither are you. There will always be moments of pain, sadness, disappointment, hurt, and struggle. It’s part of the gig. If you tell yourself you’ll be happy when…you lose the weight, you get the job, your parents are cooler, or you friends stop being cruel—you will continue to suffer. All that is real is this moment. Live in it and you’ll suffer less and experience more joy.

And, while we’re on the topic of perfection, there’s nothing wrong with you or your body.

Really.

Please believe me.

That voice in your head that tells you nasty things is lying, and you don’t have to believe it.

We all have issues. The sooner you start dealing with them, the sooner you’ll get to know your true self, figure out what’s right for you, and start living a life you love.

Learn how to heal the past, love the present, and light up the future.

And, be honest with yourself about self-improvement.

Growing into your true self is a beautiful thing, and it feels light and expansive.

Shedding crap that’s weighing you down feels good (though it’s not always comfortable). This is the kinda self-improvement that is good for your soul. Watch out for the trap of self-improvement that is all about changing yourself in order to be “good enough.” It originates from feeling unworthy, unacceptable, and inadequate. It’s an un-fill-able hole, and you can waste your life trying to fill it. It feels desperate & draining, heavy & empty. It’s easy to slip into this pit and hard to scramble out of it. Really, it’s best just to avoid it all together.

Discover what you love and do more of it.

If you think you love drugs, or shopping, or sugar, consider the possibility that you might actually be loving the feeling of soothing pain or numbing heartache. Let yourself feel what you feel, and get some support if you need it.

If you really love sleeping until 2:00 pm, or watching 12 hours of TV, or completing three-day marathons of Halo, consider the possibility that you’re resisting that struggle that can accompany life. What you resist persists. Get out there. Do something that your heart and soul genuinely love.

If you mess up, think of it as an opportunity to make something beautiful.

The worst mistakes I’ve ever made turned out to be the greatest lessons I needed to learn.

Don’t try to always make the “right” choice.

Take action in spite of uncertainty.

Screw up and then open yourself up to the lesson. It’s always there; if you look for it, you will find it. Major mistakes and subsequent self-reflection will teach you who you are, who you’re not, and who you want to be.

Life is not a competition. We’re all in this together. Enough said.

It’s worth the time and effort to take a look inside your heart and know what deeply matters to you. Knowing this will allow you to make decisions that fill you up instead of suck you dry.

The little things end up being the big things. Don’t tell little white lies. Share your smile. Get in a little exercise every day. Don’t sugar-coat your truth. And, while we’re on the topic of sugar, if you cut it out of your life now, you’ll be better off. Really. It’s nasty stuff that messes up your mind and body.

Log off. Of Twitter, of Facebook, of your phone. Get comfy being with yourself. Connect with the healing vibes of nature; bury your hands in the grass and your feet in the sand. You have a limited capacity for connection. If you’re plugged into technology, you’re unplugged from yourself and nature.

Tap into and hold onto your true self. It’s who the world most needs you to be. This ride can be a rough one. Don’t let the darkness extinguish your light.

xo + ox,

via {ask gem} on living a fulfilling life.

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The Magic of Gratitude and Acceptance

Another Melody Beattie I should have posted on Thanksgiving but it rings true every day:

“Gratitude and acceptance are two magic tricks available to us in recovery. No matter who we are, where we are, or what we have, gratitude and acceptance work.

We may eventually become so happy that we realize our present circumstances are good. Or we master our present circumstances and then move forward into the next set of circumstances.

If we become stuck, miserable, feeling trapped and hopeless, try gratitude and acceptance. If we have tried unsuccessfully to alter our present circumstances and have begun to feel like we’re beating our head against a brick wall, try gratitude and acceptance.

If we feel like all is dark and the night will never end, try gratitude and acceptance.

If we feel scared and uncertain, try gratitude and acceptance.

If we’ve tried everything else and nothing seems to work, try gratitude and acceptance.

If we’ve been fighting something, try gratitude and acceptance.

When all else fails, go back to the basics.

Gratitude and acceptance work.

Today, God, help me let go of my resistance. Help me know the pain of a circumstance will stop hurting so much if I accept it. I will practice the basics of gratitude and acceptance in my life, and for all my present circumstances.” via Just For Today Meditations » Daily Recovery Readings – November 22, 2012.

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The best of http://toddlohenry.com for 11/18/2012

  1. toddlohenry
    I’m at Lakeside Community Church (Algoma, WI) http://4sq.com/QQZmmS

    Todd Lohenry

    Sun, Nov 18 2012 09:05:21

  2. toddlohenry
    Are These Four Letters Holding You Back? http://bit.ly/RM41DD

    Todd Lohenry

    Sun, Nov 18 2012 09:01:08

  3. toddlohenry
    For Those Icky Moments When You Pray for a Rewind Button http://bit.ly/RM41nl

    Todd Lohenry

    Sun, Nov 18 2012 08:50:50

  4. toddlohenry
    Can You REALLY Have It All? Seven Keys to Finding Balance http://bit.ly/RM41nf

    Todd Lohenry

    Sun, Nov 18 2012 08:40:53

  5. toddlohenry
    4 Powerful Tips To Get Your Creativity Flourishing http://bit.ly/UNYFfH

    Todd Lohenry

    Sun, Nov 18 2012 08:31:03

  6. toddlohenry
    Sometimes You Have to be Social Even When You Don’t Feel Like It: Here’s How http://bit.ly/QnaXuc

    Todd Lohenry

    Sun, Nov 18 2012 08:20:51

  7. toddlohenry
    54 Healthy Smoothies for Any Occasion http://bit.ly/RM43M2

    Todd Lohenry

    Sun, Nov 18 2012 08:10:59

  8. toddlohenry
    Are These Four Letters Holding You Back? http://bit.ly/XSCFRs

    Todd Lohenry

    Sun, Nov 18 2012 08:07:17

  9. toddlohenry
    How to Plan for Holidays When You Dread Them http://twy.la/T9SFeU

    Todd Lohenry

    Sun, Nov 18 2012 08:04:31

  10. toddlohenry
    RT @Swag_gy: @ninatandon I watched you on #TEDyouth on livestream, you are so incredibly inspiring and awesome!! Thoroughly enjoyed and learnt so much.

    Todd Lohenry

    Sun, Nov 18 2012 06:48:06

  11. toddlohenry
    7 Ways to Boost Your Immunity Naturally http://bit.ly/Q2J751

    Todd Lohenry

    Sun, Nov 18 2012 04:01:16

  12. toddlohenry
    How to Reignite the Fire In Your Relationship http://bit.ly/SE9hHQ

    Todd Lohenry

    Sun, Nov 18 2012 03:50:45

  13. toddlohenry
    7 Ways to Boost Your Immunity Naturally http://bit.ly/TRmYVi

    Todd Lohenry

    Sun, Nov 18 2012 03:47:01

  14. toddlohenry
    Thanks. Giving. http://bit.ly/UNrclz

    Todd Lohenry

    Sun, Nov 18 2012 03:40:47

  15. toddlohenry
    Stay Strong http://bit.ly/RLCtyp

    Todd Lohenry

    Sun, Nov 18 2012 03:30:55

  16. toddlohenry
    How to Reignite the Fire In Your Relationship http://bit.ly/QmG4pC

    Todd Lohenry

    Sun, Nov 18 2012 03:30:17

  17. toddlohenry
    17 Other Memorable White House Photos http://bit.ly/RLF5MN

    Todd Lohenry

    Sun, Nov 18 2012 03:28:00

  18. toddlohenry
    Why the Broccoli Clan Is Your Best Ally Against Disease http://twy.la/UNsL2N

    Todd Lohenry

    Sun, Nov 18 2012 03:13:45

  19. toddlohenry
    PostSecret: Sunday Secrets http://twy.la/WeCCtO

    Todd Lohenry

    Sun, Nov 18 2012 03:08:37

  20. toddlohenry
    Tips To A DELICIOUS And HEALTHY Thanksgiving! http://twy.la/S6RqL8

    Todd Lohenry

    Sun, Nov 18 2012 02:51:44

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Today: A Unique Day

I love Australian Craig Harper’s perspective:

Today is Unique

You’ve never had this day before and you’ll never have it again. Sure, you’ve had days like it but you’ve never had this day; the one you’re in right now.

Naturally, you might think I’m being deep and philosophical when I say this but I’m not, I’m being literal. Practical. Of course, there’s a sense of familiarity and predictability about today but that feeling says nothing about the possibilities and potential of this day and everything about you because like every day, this one is not predetermined.

It’s you determined.

It might feel the same but it isn’t. It’s totally new. Original. Unique.

Of course you can choose, act, react, think and communicate just like you did yesterday (and most people will) – and therefore, you’ll probably create very similar outcomes – but again, that’s about you; not the day. Despite what you may have been taught, there are no (universal) good and bad days.

There are just days.

Now, before you try to prove me wrong (“but Craig, what about the woman who gets diagnosed with cancer?”), hit the pause button on your non-negotiable thinking for a moment and allow yourself to look through a different window. Is it possible that, as things happen (to you, around you), you label them based on your world view, beliefs, fears, standards, etc., you then react to those things, give those things meaning and finally, after all your labeling, assessing and processing, you somehow determine whether today is a good day or bad one?

That is, you create your own experience? Your own reality?

A Hypothetical

Your phone and wallet have been stolen while taking your early morning swim and, as a result, you’re having “the worst day ever”. You drive to work in a bad mood and you’re about to throw yourself a pity party when a colleague informs you that your boss has just been rushed to hospital after suffering a massive heart attack. In a matter of seconds you experience a major internal shift. Your enormous problem is now tiny. Insignificant. Your outlook changes completely and all of a sudden, your terrible day is now relatively fantastic (when compared with the day your boss is having). Well technically, the day is the same (of course) but in the middle of it, you are different. Well, to be more precise, your thinking is different which means your experience has changed.

Which means your day has changed.

The Manager vs The Managee

Is it possible that you’re living a reactive (wait and see what happens) type of existence rather than a proactive (I’ll determine the quality of my own day thanks) type of existence? Could today simultaneously be my ‘best day ever’ and your ‘total nightmare’? And finally, could it be that a good or bad day on Planet You is more about your personal interpretation of, and response to, certain (otherwise meaningless) happenings, events and outcomes, than the actual happenings, events and outcomes themselves?

Like yesterday, today is a blank canvas and like it or not, you’re going to paint something.

The question is, what will be hanging in your gallery tonight?

You can follow his blog here: Today: A Unique Day

2

Want to be happy? Stop trying to be perfect

I posted a TEDTalk from author Brené Brown yesterday. Here’s an article she did on the CNN site:

The quest for perfection is exhausting and unrelenting, but as hard as we try, we can’t turn off the tapes that fill our heads with messages like “Never good enough” and “What will people think?”

Why, when we know that there’s no such thing as perfect, do most of us spend an incredible amount of time and energy trying to be everything to everyone? Is it that we really admire perfection? No — the truth is that we are actually drawn to people who are real and down-to-earth. We love authenticity and we know that life is messy and imperfect.

We get sucked into perfection for one very simple reason: We believe perfection will protect us. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.

We all need to feel worthy of love and belonging, and our worthiness is on the line when we feel like we are never ___ enough (you can fill in the blank: thin, beautiful, smart, extraordinary, talented, popular, promoted, admired, accomplished).

Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be our best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth; it’s a shield. Perfectionism is a 20-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from being seen and taking flight.

Living in a society that floods us with unattainable expectations around every topic imaginable, from how much we should weigh to how many times a week we should be having sex, putting down the perfection shield is scary. Finding the courage, compassion and connection to move from “What will people think?” to “I am enough,” is not easy. But however afraid we are of change, the question that we must ultimately answer is this:

What’s the greater risk? Letting go of what people think — or letting go of how I feel, what I believe, and who I am?

Go to the source for more: Want to be happy? Stop trying to be perfect – CNN.com

She is soooo on my radar! I’m looking forward to reading one of her books sometime soon…

6

How Pain Teaches Us to Live Fully

“The secret of joy is the mastery of pain.” ~Anais Nin

full story at: How Pain Teaches Us to Live Fully | Tiny Buddha.

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Reaching Out for Help When The Road Gets Rough

“Pain is not a sign of weakness, but bearing it alone is a choice to grow weak.” ~Lori Deschene

via Reaching Out for Help When The Road Gets Rough | Tiny Buddha.

1

The best of http://toddlohenry.com for 11/13/2012

  1. toddlohenry
    Untrack: Letting Go of the Stress of Measuring http://bit.ly/X4nmpo

    Todd Lohenry

    Tue, Nov 13 2012 11:40:15

  2. EmeliaSam
    Thx for sharing my article. Much luv! @TinaAmbani @Linsanitybasket @AtonMaiti @PaulMiser @e1evation @toddlohenry @JimDimanis @bbeaubel

    Emelia Sam

    Tue, Nov 13 2012 11:28:57

  3. toddlohenry
    Apple Chips! http://twy.la/SKcp5m

    Todd Lohenry

    Tue, Nov 13 2012 11:26:54

  4. toddlohenry
    For Every Positive Change http://bit.ly/XCe8zK

    Todd Lohenry

    Tue, Nov 13 2012 11:20:02

  5. toddlohenry
    “It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live… http://bit.ly/X2QU6Z

    Todd Lohenry

    Tue, Nov 13 2012 06:40:09

  6. toddlohenry
    Things End http://bit.ly/UAiBm2

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    Tue, Nov 13 2012 06:30:16

  7. toddlohenry
    Happy Birthday Old Man. http://bit.ly/X2QTQu

    Todd Lohenry

    Tue, Nov 13 2012 06:21:14

  8. toddlohenry
    You regret nothing? http://bit.ly/ZBlVMT

    Todd Lohenry

    Tue, Nov 13 2012 06:10:22

  9. toddlohenry
    What Words Mean http://bit.ly/UAiCGw

    Todd Lohenry

    Tue, Nov 13 2012 06:00:18

  10. toddlohenry
    “Get this: Guys like Socrates, Plato and Aristotle said that if… http://bit.ly/ZBlRg2

    Todd Lohenry

    Tue, Nov 13 2012 05:50:04

  11. toddlohenry
    Alpine cabin on Velika Planina, Slovenia. Photo by Tone… http://bit.ly/X2QPju

    Todd Lohenry

    Tue, Nov 13 2012 05:40:12

  12. toddlohenry
    The Yes Within You. http://bit.ly/ZBlPoh

    Todd Lohenry

    Tue, Nov 13 2012 05:30:12

  13. toddlohenry
    8 Simple Tips for Eliminating Excuses When Starting an Online Business Around Your Passion http://bit.ly/X2QRYO

    Todd Lohenry

    Tue, Nov 13 2012 05:20:07

  14. Dasein_only
    @LollyDaskal RT Join the inspiring #LeadFromWithin chat, 8-9pm EST tonight with the❤remarkable❤ @LollyDaskal: ❤ http://ow.ly/fbmp agreed

    LL d@ LuV Doctor

    Tue, Nov 13 2012 05:18:31

  15. toddlohenry
    Researchers at Duke Are Perfecting an Invisibility Cloak http://bit.ly/X2QOfB

    Todd Lohenry

    Tue, Nov 13 2012 05:10:07

  16. toddlohenry
    Got A Bad Habit? Alter Your Subconscious To Break Free http://bit.ly/RzWxUj

    Todd Lohenry

    Tue, Nov 13 2012 05:01:18

  17. toddlohenry
    “It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live… http://bit.ly/TGr2Yq

    Todd Lohenry

    Tue, Nov 13 2012 05:00:17

  18. toddlohenry
    11 Famous Misquotations… http://bit.ly/TCDgPB

    Todd Lohenry

    Tue, Nov 13 2012 04:50:09

  19. toddlohenry
    The First Feeling is Always the Truth | Farhana Dhalla http://twy.la/RzWqIu

    Todd Lohenry

    Tue, Nov 13 2012 04:46:54

  20. toddlohenry
    Be What You Seek http://twy.la/TzCK7z

    Todd Lohenry

    Tue, Nov 13 2012 04:46:17

1

When life falls apart

Gemma Stone writes this about our mutual friend Farhana Dhalla:

Sometimes a crisis is a summons to reconfigure our entire lives.

Even though we are resilient creatures, we are still easily hurt. There are times when living hurts. A lot.

There is purpose in pain; often life falls apart exactly when it needs to be rebuilt.

Our stories become burdensome & false.

Our defenses become exhausting & crumble.

When we are no longer able to maintain the stories and defenses that protect us, we can easily dissolve to bits.

When our lives fall apart, it’s the perfect opportunity to build something newer, truer, fuller.

When Farhana’s life crumbled, she used it as a catalyst for transformation. She courageously ventured within herself, found truth, and emerged glowing with love and light.

And that is why I rely on to her to pull me along when I’m dragging my feet and to shine some light when all I see is darkness.

Thank You for Leaving Me is being released today. Farhana’s story is a heartfelt, refreshingly real account of her journey through divorce.

If you’re moving through the end of a relationship, struggling with heartache, or questioning your relationship patterns, I’m confident this book will be helpful. If you’re hesitant, check out this video. If this sounds like the medicine you need, head over here to pick up her book.

Source: {gems} when life falls apart | Gemma Stone

Kudos, Farhana! For the book and a life well lived in the face of overwhelming hardship…

7

30 Ways to Improve Your Mood When You’re Feeling Down

“The secret of joy is the mastery of pain.” ~ Anais Nin

Full story at:  30 Ways to Improve Your Mood When You’re Feeling Down | Tiny Buddha.

2

Letting Go of Resistance

Melody Beattie writes:

Do not be in such a hurry to move on.

Relax. Breathe deeply. Be. Be in harmony today.

Be open. There is beauty around and in us today. There is purpose and meaning in today.

There is importance in today — not so much in what hap­pens to us, but in how we respond.

Let today happen. We learn our lessons, we work things out, we change in a simple fashion: by living our life fully today.

Do not worry about tomorrow’s feelings, problems, or gifts. Do not worry about whether we can trust ourselves, life, or our Higher Power tomorrow.

Everything we need today shall be given to us. That is a promise — from God, from the Universe.

Feel today’s feelings. Solve today’s problems. Enjoy today’s gifts. Trust yourself, life, and your Higher Power today.

Acquire the art of living fully today. Absorb the lessons, the healing, the beauty, the love available to us today.

Do not be in such a rush to move on. There is no hurry. We cannot escape; we only postpone. Let the feelings go; breathe in peace and healing.

Do not be in such a hurry to move on.

Today, I will not run from myself, my circumstances, or my feelings. I will be open to myself, others, my Higher Power, and life. I will trust that by facing today to the best of my ability, I will acquire the skills I need to face tomorrow.

Source: November 11: Letting Go of Resistance | Language of Letting Go

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Insisting on the Best

Melody Beattie writes:

We deserve the best life and love have to offer, but we are each faced with the challenge of learning to identify what that means in our life. We must each come to grips with our own understanding of what we believe we deserve, what we want, and whether we are receiving it.

There is only one place to start, and that is right where we are, in our current circumstances. The place we begin is with us.

What hurts? What makes us angry? What are we whin­ing and complaining about? Are we discounting how much a particular behavior is hurting us? Are we making excuses for the other person, telling ourselves we’re “too demanding”?

Are we reluctant, for a variety of reasons, especially fear, to tackle the issues in our relationships that may be hurting us? Do we know what’s hurting us and do we know that we have a right to stop our pain, if we want to do that?

We can begin the journey from deprived to deserving. We can start it today. We can also be patient and gentle with our­selves, as we travel in important increments from believing we deserve second best, to knowing in our hearts that we deserve the best, and taking responsibility for that.

Today, I will pay attention to how I allow people to treat me, and how I feel about that. I will also watch how I treat others. I will not overreact by taking their issues too personally and too seriously; I will not under-react by denying that certain behaviors are inappropriate and not acceptable to me.” via November 7: Insisting on the Best.

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The grief process

Melody Beattie writes:

To let ourselves wholly grieve our losses is how we surrender to the process of life and recovery. Some experts, like Patrick Carnes, call the Twelve Steps “a program for dealing with our losses, a program for dealing with our grief.”

How do we grieve?

Awkwardly. Imperfectly. Usually with a great deal of resistance. Often with anger and attempts to negotiate. Ultimately, by surrendering to the pain.

The grief process, says Elisabeth Kubler Ross, is a five stage process: denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and, finally, acceptance. That’s how we grieve; that’s how we accept; that’s how we forgive; that’s how we respond to the many changes life throws our way.

Although this five-step process looks tidy on paper, it is not tidy in life. We do not move through it in a compartmentalized manner. We usually flounder through, kicking and screaming, with much back and forth movement – until we reach that peaceful state called acceptance.

When we talk about “unfinished business” from our past, we are usually referring to losses about which we have not completed grieving. We’re talking about being stuck somewhere in the grief process. Usually, for adult children and codependents, the place where we become stuck is denial.. Passing through denial is the first and most dangerous stage of grieving, but it is also the first step toward acceptance.

We can learn to understand the grief process and how it applies to recovery. Even good changes in recovery can bring loss and, consequently, grief. We can learn to help others and ourselves by understanding and becoming familiar with this process. We can learn to fully grieve our losses, feel our pain, accept, and forgive, so we can feel joy and love.

Today, God, help me open myself to the process of grieving my losses. Help me allow myself to flow through the grief process, accepting all the stages so I might achieve peace and acceptance in my life. Help me learn to be gentle with others and myself while we go through this very human process of healing.” via Just For Today Meditations – Maintaining A Life.

Whatever your losses, they will hang in there until you work the grieving process. Long ago a priest friend of mine told me that all loss is a death of sorts so applying Ross’ stages is appropriate for just about anything…

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Turn Pain to Joy: 11 Tips for a Powerful Gratitude

“Give thanks for a little and you will find a lot” ~Hausa Proverb

Full story at: Turn Pain to Joy: 11 Tips for a Powerful Gratitude Journal | Tiny Buddha.

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Avoiding pain

John from Real True Love dropped this quote in a comment. I thought it deserved a little more…

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6 Ways to Decrease Your Suffering

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“The world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming it.” ~Helen Keller

You’ve probably heard the saying “Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.”

For a many years, I didn’t understand how pain and suffering were different from each other. They seemed inextricably wrapped up together, and I took it for granted that one was the inevitable consequence of the other.

However, as I have grown to understand my own capacity to create happiness, I noticed something interesting about the nature of my suffering.

As I reflect back on painful episodes in my life, I can recall losing people who were dear to me. I remember abrupt changes in jobs, housing, and other opportunities that I believed were the basis of my happiness.

In each of those experiences the immediate visceral pain was searing, like a hot knife cutting through my heart. Then afterwards came grief, an emotional response to loss that arose quite naturally.

But closely on the heels of physical pain and emotional grief comes something else, something that I create in my own mind even though it feels quite real. That something else is “suffering.” Full story at: 6 Ways to Decrease Your Suffering | Tiny Buddha.

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Don’t do something permanently stupid…

Remember the acronym ‘HALTS’; don’t do anything stoopid when you are hungry, angry, lonely, tired or sick. To this I would add ‘or drunk’. Trust me on this. I know from painful experience. via A New Anti-Bullying Poster!.

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