Tag: Mental Health

Kein Drama

The dramatic masks of Thalia and Melpomene, th...
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Melody Beattie shares this this morning…

Actors in movies or on television often must exaggerate their feelings in order to create drama on the screen. If they are hurt, they cry with a special intensity. If afraid, they scream and cower in a corner or curl up on a sofa. They may grab a person trying to leave and beg for that person to stay. In rage, they may stomp around hollering in a dramatic storm.

We can learn to separate what we’re feeling from what we do. If we’re feeling fear, hurt, anger, or any other emotion, we need to experience the emotion until we become clear. Sometimes beating a pillow helps release our anger. But we don’t have to stomp around and slam doors. That’s letting our emotions control us.

You don’t have to revel in your emotions. And you can separate your behaviors what you do—from what you feel.

Stop being a twentieth-century drama queen. It isn’t necessary, anymore. We are more conscious than that now.

God, help me let go of the unnecessary drama in my life.

via melodybeattie.com

So what does ‘Kein Drama’ mean? My friend Michael in Germany is fond of saying that — Kein Drama — it means literally ‘no drama’ but it was his way of saying it’s no big deal…

When I say to myself or my family ‘Kein Drama’ it means something different. It means let’s put an end to this unnecessary emotion. I need to think more about the dramas in which I play a role and sometimes it’s ok to put down the script and say ‘I don’t like this role that you would like me to play’. I don’t have to meet all my wife’s expectations. I don’t have to live up to my in-laws expectations. I don’t have to live up to all of mine, either…

Melody’s post is a good reminder for me to put the drama aside and focus on the things that are really important; God, help me let go of the unnecessary drama in my life…

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We Date [or Marry] Who We Are!

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Mastin Kipp shares this…

We date at the level of our self-esteem. Your relationship is a direct reflection of your own self-love and self-worth…

Let me be clear – the only way we should have to change is to be more authentically ourselves. This means compromise, of course, but this also means not abandoning ourselves to please another.

The common question seems to be: “How can I change myself so this will work”, and the response is “Don’t change yourself – BE YOURSELF”.

Many Seekers are terrified of being alone and of the unknown. And I understand, it can be hellishly uncomfortable in there. But if your needs aren’t being met in a relationship, it’s not the other persons fault. The responsibility is on you to communicate your needs and to choose someone who honors you, cherishes you and loves you.

If you don’t love, honor and cherish yourself, you will settle and your needs won’t get met.

To be a Seeker we must get comfortable with the unknown and with letting go of toxic relationships. We must step into the Faith that we can create the life we truly desire, not as we change to please others, but as we step more into our own authentic selves. This means communicating our needs, having higher standards around the people we are dating and stepping into our own self-love and self-care.

Of course in any relationship we have to compromise and find a middle ground. This is part of being in relationship. But this blog is aimed at the thousands of folks who have written in asking how they can change to please other people. Please yourself first and then you will attract someone who is pleased with you.

This means embracing the unknown and being okay with letting go of something or someone that isn’t meeting your needs.

Ask yourself this question: “If I REALLY loved myself, what would I do?”

via thedailylove.com
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Conquer the Fears Lurking in the Dark Corners of Your Mind

one of the most laughter inducing photos i've ...
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I was reading Confessions of a Shopaholic recently and ran across a passage that struck a chord with me … the main character is avoiding thinking about increasingly urgent letters from banks and creditors, trying to push these worries out of her mind:

“I’m well aware that at the back of my mind, thumping quietly like a drumbeat, are the twin horrors of Guilt and Panic.

“Guilt Guilt Guilt Guilt.

“Panic Panic Panic Panic.

“If I let them, they’d swoop in and take over. I’d feel completely paralyzed with misery and fear. So the trick I’ve learned is simply not to listen. My mind is very well trained like that.”

This passage struck a chord because I’ve been there. I’ve had those horrors of guilt and panic at the back of my mind, many times.

I’ve done it with debt — I let the letters from creditors pile up, trying to ignore them, not wanting to face them.

I’ve done it with my health, knowing I was growing overweight, not wanting to think about the things I was eating.

I’ve done it with smoking, knowing it was bad for me, but trying not to think about it, puffing away.

I’ve done it with projects that I knew I should be working on, but didn’t want to think about them … because I was afraid, for some reason, to face them.

Does any of this sound familiar? Do you have fears lurking in the deepest, darkest corners of your mind? Fears you don’t want to face and try to push back, closing your eyes so you don’t have to see how horrible they are?

If so, I highly recommend you face them now. Be bold and brave. Bring them out into the light of day.

It’s an amazing relief when you actually do face these fears. They actually turn out to be not so bad, not so overwhelming or intimidating. It’s a huge load off your shoulders — you’re liberated from your fear!

via zenhabits.net

Follow the ‘via’ link above if you’d like the rest of Leo’s thoughts…

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Letting Go of Denial

Cabooki Boo!
Image by elycefeliz via Flickr

Melody Beattie shares…

We are slow to believe that which if believed would hurt our feelings.
Ovid

Most of us in recovery have engaged in denial from time to time. Some of us relied on this tool.

We may have denied events or feelings from our past. We may have denied other people’s problems; we may have deemed our own problems, feelings, thoughts, wants, or needs. We denied the truth.

Denial means we didn’t let ourselves face reality, usually because facing that particular reality would hurt. It would be a loss of something: trust, love, family, perhaps a marriage, a friendship, or a dream. And it hurts to lose something, or someone.

Denial is a protective device, a shock absorber for the soul. It prevents us from acknowledging reality until we feel prepared to cope with that particular reality. People can shout and scream the truth at us, but we wifi not see or hear it until we are ready.

We are sturdy yet fragile beings. Sometimes, we need time to get prepared, time to ready ourselves to cope. We do not let go of our need to deny by beating ourselves into acceptance; we let go of our need to deny by allowing ourselves to become safe and strong enough to cope ‘with the truth. We wifi do this, when the time is right.

We do not need to punish ourselves for having denied reality; we need only love ourselves into safety and strength so that each day we are better equipped to face and deal with the truth. We will face and deal with reality on our own time schedule, when we are ready, and in our Higher Power’s timing. We do not have to accept chastisement from anyone, including ourselves, for this schedule.
We will know what we need to know, when it’s time to know it.

Today, I will concentrate on making myself feel safe and confident. I will let myself have my awareness on my own time schedule.

via melodybeattie.com
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7 Goals You Should Accomplish in 10 Years

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Life and everything in it revolves around balanced equations. The numbers are critical. Just the slightest imbalance and big issues arise. Keeping this in mind when setting personal goals, we should first take stock of where we already are. Perhaps you have done quite well financially, but your personal relationships are severely lacking. Maybe your marriage is secure and amicable, but in the area of romance the fire has long dimmed. We need to take an honest assessment of where we have succeeded and where we have failed. Then we can determine how to proceed forward. With this in mind, here are 7 areas of life to focus on for the next 10 years of your life plan.

via markmerrill.com

Follow the ‘via’ link if you’d like to know the 7 Goals…

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Recognizing Feelings

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Take out a sheet of paper. On the top of it write, “If it was okay to feel whatever I’m feeling, and I wouldn’t be judged as bad or wrong, what would I be feeling?” Then write whatever comes to mind. You can also use the favorite standby of many people in discovering their feelings: writing or journaling. You can keep a diary, write letters you don’t intend to send, or just scribble thoughts onto a note pad. Watch and listen to yourself as an objective third person might.

Listen to your tone of voice and the words you use. What do you hear? Sadness, fear, anger, happiness? What is your body telling you? Is it tense and rigid with anger? Running with fear? Heavy with sadness and grief? Dancing with joy?

Talking to people in recovery helps too. Going to meetings helps. Once we feel safe, many of us find that we open up naturally and with ease to our feelings.

We are on a continual treasure hunt in recovery. One of the treasures we’re seeking is the emotional part of ourselves. We don’t have to do it perfectly. We need only be honest, open, and willing to try. Our emotions are there waiting to share themselves with us.

Today, I will watch myself and listen to myself as I go through my day. I will not judge myself for what I’m feeling; I will accept myself.

via melodybeattie.com
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Solving Problems

Some thoughts from Melody Beattie on solving problems…

Many of us lived in situations where it wasn’t okay to identify, have, or talk about problems. Denial became a way of life our way of dealing with problems.

In recovery many of us still fear problems. We may spend more time reacting to a problem than we do to solving it. We miss the point; we miss the lesson; we miss the gift. Problems are a part of life. So are solutions.

A problem doesn’t mean life is negative or horrible. Having a problem doesn’t mean a person is deficient. All people have problems to work through.

In recovery, we learn to focus on solving our problems. First, we make certain the problem is our problem. If it isn’t, our problem is establishing boundaries. Then we seek the best solution. This may mean setting a goal, asking for help, gathering more information, taking an action, or letting go. Recovery does not mean immunity or exemption from problems; recovery means learning to face and solve problems, knowing they wifi appear regularly. We can trust our ability to solve problems, and know we’re not doing it alone. Having problems does not mean our Higher Power is picking on us. Some problems are part of life; others are ours to solve, and we’ll grow in necessary ways in the process.

Face and solve today’s problems. Don’t worry needlessly about tomorrow’s problems, because when they appear. we’ll have the resources necessary to solve them.

Facing and solving problems – working through problems with help from a Higher Power means we’re living and growing and reaping benefits.

via melodybeattie.com

Thanks! I needed that…

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Make it a Habit

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Melody Beattie says…

After I left treatment, praying in the morning became part of my routine. I prayed as though my life depended on it, because it did. I didn’t feel like I had begun my day properly unless I started it with a recovery prayer, asking for God’s help and guidance.

After my son died, I was so angry about his death that I stopped my morning routine. But there came a time when I had to get back to my routine of talking to God. It can be hard to believe that God cares about the details of our lives. It can feel awkward talking to a force we can’t see or hear.

Challenge: For me, the hardest thing about praying is that I drag my heels and balk at the discipline of regular prayer. I need to remind myself that prayer isn’t work, It works.

via melodybeattie.com
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10 Ways to Help Kids Deal with the Loss of a Loved One

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Experiencing loss is a part of life that everyone has.  Losing someone is a challenge no matter what age you are.  Imagine how much harder it is for a child who has never experienced what it is like to be separated from loved ones.  Now that’s a challenge, but here is a list of things to keep in mind when talking with your children about the loss of a loved one.

via allprodad.com

Follow the ‘via’ link if you’d like to get the 10 ways…

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Gratitude Breeds Acceptance

Gratitude feeds on itself. It breeds acceptance. It turns what we have into enough, and more.

via melodybeattie.com

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Seeing things as they are

““But you don’t know my circumstances. That won’t work for me. I don’t have it as good as other people. You should see my life. It’s a mess.” Religious leaders, psychiatrists, physicists, new and ancient philosophies agree. We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are. When we’re restless, irritable, and discontented, everything looks bad. That’s because we’re practicing negativity. It’s a powerful form of magic, only the magic it works is dark. Practice deliberate gratitude. Force it and fake it if you must. When you look again, after practicing gratitude, you will see that we – and our circumstances have shifted into a different place.” Source: September 7: Seeing Things as They Are | Language of Letting Go

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Don’t blame them! It’s not their fault…

Mastin Kipp

Keen insite this morning from Mastin Kipp of The Daily Love…

Many times in relationships we love to blame the other person.

We like to blame them for not loving us the way we want to be loved, or for not making us enough of a priority, or for being too stubborn and on and on.

Then we start giving names to the way we interpret others actions. So instead of saying: “Hey, I’d really appreciate it if you let me figure it out on my own,” or “The way I really feel loved is when you (fill in the blank)”. When we are lacking, we say: “You’re a jerk”, or assume that they don’t love us.

So instead of expressing how we feel, we blame, judge and then convict the other person of being guilty. Then we project our verdict onto them and wonder why they react negatively and then use that negative reaction as further proof that our verdict was in fact, correct.

Instead of blaming and judging, if we can open up, become vulnerable and EXPRESS our feelings and needs, we give the other person an opportunity to course correct and with this new information.

And, if over time we are expressing our needs and feelings and they aren’t being seen, have the courage to pick up our things and leave. That’s the Master’s path – vulnerability and courage.

It might seem scary, but showing emotion and expressing your needs is how you build intimacy. And having high standards and the courage to maintain them is how you make sure that only the best kind of relationships remains in your life.

It’s the mark of a Master to no longer blame the other person, but instead to see the other person as a mirror of his or her own life. It’s the mark of a Master to share his or her feelings, rather than blaming someone else for not meeting the needs that were never expressed in the first place. It’s the mark of a Master who is strong enough to walk away from a broken and unfulfilled kind of love if his or her needs and emotions aren’t being seen. It’s the mark of a Master to be able to also meet the needs of their partner.

When you see the current relationships of your life as not a victim, but as a mirror of your own life, you can begin to take empowered action.

So, you say you want love, yes?

Then whatcha gonna do today? Blame them? Or express yourself and set loving boundaries?

Do you want to keep going round in the dramatic circle of blame or do you want to step into the loving flow of vulnerable expression?

The choice is yours. What’ll it be?

via thedailylove.com
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The If, Then Game

Gendun Drup, 1st Dalai Lama
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I’d like to share part of this post from Alissa Finerman with you…

Starting early in life we learn the power of if … then statements in a very simple and seemingly innocuous way. For example, in math class we use if … then statements to learn logic. If a = b and b = c, then a = c.

The if … then game goes on and on. We play it in every area of our life – relationships, career, healthy living, and finances.

 If I am in a relationship, then I’ll be happy.

If I get a new job, then I’ll be happy.

If I lose weight, then I’ll be happy.

If I make more money, then I’ll be happy.

Society and the media influence our mind to think with a set of conditions that help us make sense and draw logical conclusions (this is helpful). But somewhere along the line, we screw up the logic and substitute our own set of conditions that do not follow and, therefore, result in irrational conclusions (this is unhelpful).  It’s important to note that happiness doesn’t require any if … then conditions. The Dalai Lama believes happiness is a choice.

Often, we create a situation in our mind, such as being happy, and make it dependent on another event. But in reality, this state of well-being is not dependent on any set of conditions other than our own mindset and perspective right now.  Things such as a starting a new relationship, getting promoted, making more money, losing weight do not necessarily equal happiness.  Happiness is available, right here – right now – in this moment, whether you are going through a major life transition or in the greatest relationship of your life. It doesn’t depend on anyone but you. By definition, if … then statements take you out of the present moment and steer your focus to the future.

via thedailylove.com

Follow the ‘via’ link above if you’d like to read the rest…

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Acting As If

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life...
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Acting as if is another recovery truism that’s been around for a long time. I still use it regularly in my life.

I know people who are not in recovery athletes, performers, artists -who use the technique too.

All it means is that if it’s time to act, we do— whether taking that action feels comfortable or not. Instead of doing nothing, or waiting for confidence, success, or inspiration to overtake and motivate us first, we go ahead and move forward with an action anyway and let the good feelings catch up to us. We act as if the desired change has already taken place.

via melodybeattie.com
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When Life Twists and Turns

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Today’s thought from Melody Beattie…

“Sometimes in life, no matter how deeply we intend to make the best decisions possible for ourselves, things happen. Marriages end, jobs turn sour, friends wane. For reasons outside our control or understanding, the situation twists and turns into something other than what we bargained for. Have you been waiting for a situation to revert to what it originally was—or what you hoped it would be when you got in? Are you telling yourself that there’s something wrong with you, when the reality is, the situation has changed into something other than what you thought it was? Things often don’t go as smoothly as we planned. Sometimes, we need to endure and get through the rough spots. But I’m talking about those grindingly difficult moments when life suddenly twists on us. These are the times we need to quit torturing ourselves. Let go of what you thought would happen. If life has twisted on you, don’t turn on yourself. Don’t try to make things be the way they were. Come up to speed. Return to now. Let yours elf accept the new situation at hand.The road isn’t always a straight course. Sometimes, even a path with heart unexpectedly twists and turns. God, help me relax and trust myself enough to deal with reality, not my fantasy of what I hoped it would” via August 28: When Life Twists and Turns Language of Letting Go.

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Dealing with Manipulation

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Melody Beattie shared this on her blog today…

A few years ago I was in Jordan on an excursion through the Middle East. I wanted to go to Pakistan, but when I got to the Pakistani embassy in Jordan, an official ordered me to go to the American embassy, miles away, saying, “You have to get a piece of paper from your government vouching for you. That’s the only way the government of Pakistan wifi even consider your request.”

I went to the American embassy in Jordan and stood in line there all day. Finally, when it was my turn, I told the gentleman why I was there. “That’s ridiculous,” he said. “There’s no such thing as an international voucher for people in the United States. That’s what a passport does. It says the American government is vouching for you, declaring you worthy and reliable to travel abroad.”

He began to speak more quietly. “He’s just messing with you,” he said, of the government official at the other agency. “Sometimes they like to play games with people, show them how much power they really have.”

I went back to the Pakistani embassy. When I returned, there was an elderly Muslim man sitting in the waiting room. He wore a turban. His head was bowed. He was reciting the Koran and rubbing his string of prayer beads.

He helped set the tone and reminded me of what I needed to do: calm down, be peaceful, stop resisting, and harmonize with the situation. It didn’t matter if the visa man was wrong and I was right. He had the power. I needed to go to him. I sat quietly waiting for my turn. When I went up to the counter, I deliberately acknowledged his point of view. Then I gently explained that I didn’t get the piece of paper he asked for from the American embassy, because that paper didn’t exist. I explained it was probably the only time in my life I’d be in this area of the world. I pointed to the poster on the wall. ‘The Himalayas are so beautiful there,” I said. “If I don’t go now, I don’t know that I ever will. You have the power to say yes or no. And I have no choice but to go along with whatever you say. It’s in your hands.”

He told me to go sit down. I did. Five minutes later, he called me back to the stand. “Here,” he said, handing me my passport. “Enjoy your visit to Pakistan.”

We have a right to get as mad as we want, but sometimes harmonizing can achieve so much more than yelling in indig nation or even fighting back. Next time you find yourself in a situation where you’re being manipulated, let go of your resistance and practice harmony instead.

God, teach me the power of moving gently, with humility and respect, through the world.

via melodybeattie.com

Thanks for letting me share this story from Melody Beattie’s blog with you. It speaks to me where I’m at right now, in fact, I wish I would have seen this story two days ago before I had to deal with dishwasher installers from HomeDepot… :-)

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