Psychology Today Blog: Quick and Easy Stress Busters for 10 of the Most Common Stressors.
…on Making Yourself Do Uncomfortable Things!
“Many of us do not understand what we are responsible for and what we are not responsible for. We may believe we have to get into a tizzy when someone has a problem because it is our responsibility to do that. However, at the heart of most rescues is a demon: low self-worth. We rescue because we don’t feel good about ourselves.. caretaking provides us with a temporary hit of good feelings, self-worth, and power. Just as a drink helps an alcoholic momentarily feel better, a rescue move momentarily distracts us from the pain of being who we are. We don’t feel loveable, so we settle for being needed. We don’t feel good about ourselves, so we feel compelled to do a particular thing to prove how good we are.” ~ Melody Beattie via Today’s Quotes: What Joy!? Make Yourself Do Uncomfortable Things!.
You Are a Work of Art
Melody Beattie shares this today….
All the arts we practice are apprenticeship. The big art is our life. ~ M. C. Richards
What you do is not who you are.
You are more, much more, than that.
It’s easy to get so caught up in what we do that we’re only identifying ourselves through our daily tasks. I am a mechanic. I am a parking lot attendant. I am a doctor. I am a dishwasher. When we link ourselves too closely to our jobs, we deny ourselves the chance to ever be anything else. We limit ourselves by believing that’s all we are and all we’ll ever be.
Our concept of who we are is one of the hardest, but most rewarding, ideas we can change. If you have been brought up believing that you are clumsy, you will probably demonstrate this belief in your actions—until you identify that idea, let go of it, and let yourself be something else.
Don’t limit yourself by saying you are just what you do. Stop seeing yourself as a static being. If I am “just” a parking lot attendant, then how can I hope to ever influence someone through my words, my art, my music, my life? But if I am a vital, living, growing soul who happens to be parking people’s cars, then everything I do can become a symphony. I can have an influence for good in the lives of everyone I touch. I can learn from them, and they from me. I can learn the lessons that I am supposed to learn at this place in my life, and I can move on to other lessons.
God gave us the power to change. You’re more than what you do. You’re a vital vibrant soul that came here to experience, grow, and change. Make a masterpiece out of your life.
God, help me realize the glory of my soul. Thank you for my mortality and for the ability to learn and grow.
Source: April 24: You are a Work of Art | Language of Letting Go
Remember to Take Care of Yourself
Here’s a moral with a story from Melody Beattie…
Jenna started dating a new man. Like many women, she was a little frustrated with all the losers that had come along before. She thought she’d put this one to the test. She wanted to see how good he’d be to her.
So when he called her up and asked her what she wanted to do, she told him she thought he should take her on a little trip.
“Hawaii would be nice,” she said. “You get us the tickets. And find someplace nice for us to stay when we get there. I don’t want to be in a cheesy hotel.”
He had enough money in the bank. The trip, she thought, would be exquisite and luxurious. She envisioned the first-class air travel, the limos, and the home he’d rent complete with maid service and a cook.
When the day of the trip arrived, they took a taxi, not a limo, to the airport. And when she boarded the airplane, he led her back to coach. When the flight attendant came around asking if people wanted to rent movies, her boyfriend shook his head and went back to reading his book. She had to dig out the four dollars to pay for the movie.
She sat scrunched up in her seat, all the way to Hawaii. When they got there, he took her to a time-share condo. Then he drove her in the rental car to the grocery store and said, “Pick out what you want to cook.”
Throughout the vacation she spent a lot of time stewing in her head, but when they got home, she decided to give him one more chance.
So when he called her up and asked her what she wanted to do Friday night, she said she thought a movie would be nice. She hung up the phone, then dressed up and did her hair. She thought maybe he’d take her to a nice theater.
He picked her up, then drove to the nearest Blockbuster. “Go in and pick out whatever video you’d like to rent,” he said. “Do you want to watch it at your place or mine?
The moral of this story is twofold and simple. The first lesson is if you know exactly what you want, you need to spell it out clearly. The second is that it’s better not to expect people to take care of us. Even if they agree to do it, we might not like how they do the job.
While it’s nice to have people love us and do things for us, it’s better to plan on taking care of ourselves.
God, help me remember that it’s my job to take care of myself.
Source: April 18: Remember to Take Care of Yourself | Language of Letting Go
Hmmmm…
Lately I’ve been learning a lot about expectations. I think the simplest way to avoid disappointment is not to have them. Or, as Melody points out if you DO have expectations “you need to spell it [them] out clearly” or be prepared to meet them yourself…
Related articles
- On taking care of your self… (toddlohenry.com)
- You are Responsible for You (toddlohenry.com)
- Owning our Power (toddlohenry.com)
- You have the power (toddlohenry.com)
- Go easy (toddlohenry.com)
Taking Care of Ourselves
In The Language of Letting Go Melody Beattie says…
“We often refer to recovery from codependency and adult child issues as “self-care.” Self-care is not, as some may think, a spin-off of the “me generation.” It isn’t self-indulgence. It isn’t selfishness—in the negative interpretation of that word. We’re learning to take care of ourselves, instead of obsessively focusing on another person. We’re learning self-responsibility, instead of feeling excessively responsible for others. Self-care also means tending to our true responsibilities to others; we do this better when we’re not feeling overly responsible. Self-care sometimes means, “me first,” but usually, “me too.” It means we are responsible for ourselves and can choose to no longer be victims. Self-care means learning to love the person we’re responsible for taking care of—ourselves. We do not do this to hibernate in a cocoon of isolation and self-indulgence; we do it so we can better love others, and learn to let them love us. Self-care isn’t selfish; it’s self-esteem. Today, God, help me love myself. Help me let go of feeling excessively responsible for those around me. Show me what what I need to do to take care of myself and be appropriately responsible to others.”
Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (pp. 105-106). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.
Feel free today to take care of yourself…
Related articles
- You are Responsible for You (toddlohenry.com)
- Go easy (toddlohenry.com)
- On taking care of your self… (toddlohenry.com)
- Owning our Power (toddlohenry.com)
- Thursday Quote – Melody Beattie (elizaggie.wordpress.com)
You are Responsible for You
More from Melody Beattie:
We can delegate tasks, but we can’t delegate responsibility, if the responsibility is really ours.
Sometimes, it’s normal to delegate tasks to other people. We may hire people to do certain things for us. We may engage in contracts with a therapist or a healer to help us work through a certain issue. But the responsibility for which pieces of advice we follow, and the decisions we make in our lives, ultimately belongs to us.
It’s easy to get lazy. We can let a friend, an employee, or even a skilled therapist begin making our decisions for us. We can listen to what they say and blindly take their advice. Then we don’t have to take responsibility for our lives. If the decision doesn’t work out, we can say, “You were wrong. Look at the mess you’ve gotten me into. I’m a victim, again.”
Yes you are. But you’re a victim of yourself.
We can listen to advice and let other people help us, but if they’re helping us do something that is our responsibility, the ultimate responsibility for the decision still belongs to us.
Get help when you need it. Delegate tasks. But don’t give away your power. Remember you can think, you can feel, you can take care of yourself, you can figure out your problems.
Don’t get lazy. Don’t give away responsibility for your life.
God, help me remember that I am responsible for me.
Source: April 17: You are Responsible for You | Language of Letting Go
Related articles
- Owning our Power (toddlohenry.com)
- Go easy (toddlohenry.com)
- On taking care of your self… (toddlohenry.com)
- Feeling Good (toddlohenry.com)
- You’re Being Protected (toddlohenry.com)
Own Your Life
A valuable message from Melody Beattie…
Are you willing to take responsibility for this mat, to own it? That doesn’t mean it isn’t everybody else’s mat, too. If you’re big enough to own the mat as yours, you’re big enough to let it be theirs, too.
— George Leonard
In his book The Way of Aikido, George Leonard wrote about the concept of owning the mat. He was talking about aikido. He was referring to an air of ownership, a certain presence he learned to demonstrate both on the mats while practicing martial arts and in his life.
Many subtle attitudes and past conditioning can affect our sense of ownership of our lives and of the world we live in—guilt, a haunting sense of victimization, laziness, living with repressive, angry, or abusive people may have tamed our sense of ownership of our lives. Continue reading “Own Your Life”
On taking care of your self…
C. M. MacNeil shares this from Melody Beattie…
Our most important focus during times of stress is taking care of ourselves. We are better able to cope with the most irregular circumstances; we are better able to be there for others if we’re caring for ourselves. We can ask ourselves regularly: What do we need to do to take care of ourselves? What might help us feel better or more comfortable?
Self-care may not come as easily during times of stress. Self-neglect may feel more comfortable. But taking care of us always works.Today, I will remember that there is no situation that can’t be benefited by taking care of myself.
via April 14, 2012 – Today’s Gift from Hazelden « cmmacneil.
Related articles
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- Coping devices (toddlohenry.com)
- Go easy (toddlohenry.com)
- Anger at Family Members? (toddlohenry.com)
- You have the power (toddlohenry.com)
You have the power
Good stuff from Melody Beattie. Again.
For the first several hundred years after the Buddha died, there were no images of him. Only his dharma, or teachings, were passed on from generation to generation. Eventually, however, the people wanted an image to remind them of their ideal, and that’s when and how Buddha statues came to be.
The good thing about having statues of Buddha is they remind followers of the ideals they’re striving for in their lives. The difficult thing about Buddha statues is that people may be tempted to idolize the statue, and forget to seek the state of consciousness the Buddha represented.
It’s easy for us to idolize our mentors and teachers, the people who encourage and help us to grow. It can be easy to look around us and think others have the key to enlightenment, success, joy.
Stop idolizing other people.
Look in the mirror.
You have everything you need to learn your lessons, grow, achieve success. You have all the courage you need to fail, then try again. You have everything you need, within you, to live and follow your own path with heart.
Not only are you right where you need to be, but you can get wherever you want to go from here. And you and I have all the power we need to learn the lessons we came here to learn.
God, teach me that all I need is within me.
Source: April 12: You Have the Power | Language of Letting Go
Christians, don’t get so hung up on the B word – you know, Buddha – that you miss the lesson! Have you forgotten this?
“The kingdom of God does not come with your careful observation, 21nor will people say, ‘Here it is,’ or ‘There it is,’ because the kingdom of God is within you.” Source: Luke 17 NIV 1984
Be uniquely you
Melody Beattie writes…
We will discover the nature of our particular genius when we stop trying to conform to our own or to other peoples’ models, learn to be ourselves, and allow our natural channels to open.
— Shakti Gawain
We have much in common with each other. And recovery, growth, and change are strengthened by honoring these similarities. But each of us is unique. We each have our own strengths, weaknesses, gifts, vulnerabilities—our own personalities.
The purpose of spiritual growth is not to eliminate the personality. It is to refine and enhance it, and allow each of us to express ourselves creatively.
We are not meant to be just like anyone else. Comparison will leave us uncomfortable, either on the side of pride or of inadequacy.
You are you. The wonder of life comes in finding your own rhythm to the dance, your own way of seeing the world, your own brush stroke, phrase, or special combination.
Listen to your Self…
Being aware of your true self is the best way to free yourself from the controlling, manipulative behaviors of others.
You don’t need the right car, the right shoes, the right girlfriend to be complete. All you really need is to be yourself. Your spirit is the real you. Let it guide you.
Be still. Listen to your spirit say, I am, and I am enough. In the silence, you’ll hear God.
Be who and where you are
Save yourself the time, the money, and the trip.
Be your own guru.
via April 9: Be Who and Where You Are | Language of Letting Go.
Discover what works for you
Melody Beattie writes:
There is no quick fix, no panacea that will work for every person. Success rarely happens overnight or in five days. Even the Twelve Steps are only suggestions. Although proven to work, the details and decisions about how we apply those Steps in our lives are left to each one of us.
And few things happen overnight, except the beginning of a new day.
Listen to your mentors. Examine what’s been tried and true, and has worked and helped countless others along their paths. The Twelve Steps are one of those approaches. But don’t be taken in by false claims of overnight success and instant enlightenment along your path.
True change takes time and effort, especially when were changing and tackling big issues. We can often get exactly the help we need at times from a therapist, book, or seminar— the best things in life really are free and available to each one of us. The Twelve Steps, again, qualify in this area.
Discover what works for you.
Trust that you’ll be guided along your path and receive exactly the help and guidance you need. Then give it time. There really isn’t an easier, softer way.
God, give me perseverance to tackle my problems.
Source: April 8: Discover What Works for You | Language of Letting Go
Melody Beattie’s work on codependency works for me and has been a tremendous help over the past year as a supplement to the work I am doing in Celebrate Recovery. What is working for you this Easter as you think about resurrection and rebirth?
Tackle “impossible” with this three-pronged approach
Philip McCluskey shares an inspirational story of attacking goals from a physical, spiritual and mental perspective in his post with a focus on
- Taking responsibility for your power
- Believing you are worth it
- Creating your own good days
- and trusting the Universe.
Go to the source if it sounds interesting to you; Tackle “Impossible” with This Three-Pronged Approach [BLOG] « Positively Positive
Gratitude and forgiveness…
“Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.” ~Melody Beattie
Follow the ‘via’ link above if you’d like to read the rest of Melody Beattie’s post…
Stand up to your fear of abandonment
Melody Beattie writes…
Many of us have a fear of abandonment. Some of us let it rule our lives. We’ll do anything just so that person doesn’t walk out and leave us alone.
I spent many years letting fear of abandonment control me. After a while, I finally wore out that belief. I just got sick and tired of worrying about whether I was good enough for that person.
Then a new thought set me free: If you don’t want to be my friend, or my lover, or my employer, I don’t want you in my life.
No more emotional blackmail. No more stress. No more having to second-guess what that other person is feeling.
Are you spending your time worried about someone leaving you? Does your fear of being abandoned leave you feeling like an underdog in your relationships? Let it go. Stand fast. And listen to what I’m about to tell you: If that person doesn’t want to be in your life, just let him or her leave. Do you want someone in your life who really doesn’t want to be there? Of course not. Let him or her go.
Once you adopt this belief, it’s easy to send the bad relationships packing, and the good people want to stay.
God, help me believe that I deserve only the best of relationships.
Source: April 5: Stand Up to Your Fear of Abandonment | Language of Letting Go
Related articles
- Relationships and Fear (whollyhappy.wordpress.com)
- Getting over Fear (plantfueled.wordpress.com)
- From Frozen Feelings to Fear to Freedom (michelewhitney.wordpress.com)
- Go easy (toddlohenry.com)
- Thursday Quote – Melody Beattie (elizaggie.wordpress.com)
I <3 Gemma Stone…
Looking for another video post of hers I stumbled upon this to share with you…
“Jean-Paul Sartre says, “Hell is other people”.
I don’t think it’s quite that bad but the reality is much of the stuff that causes us to suffer, comes from our reactions to others.
What to do?
Let’s suppose you tried the strategies from the last vlog. Maybe you’ve also tried talking things out, setting healthy boundaries, and being ‘the better person’, and you’re still struggling.
This sucks. I know.
Do not close off your heart.”Source: 3 more strategies for dealing with family drama | Gemma Stone.
I encourage you to visit her blog and subscribe or follow her on Twitter…
On attachments…
Melody Beattie shares this today…
A friend called me one day. His shiny new car was in the garage for repairs again. “I should have gotten a truck, something practical, that would start every day and get me to work,” he said. “If ever, ever I start screaming that I have to have something and can’t live without it, start screaming back at me until I stop.”
What’s attached to your self-esteem? Continue reading “On attachments…”
Let go of low self esteem
Melody Beattie shares this thought for today…
“Sell-esteem is so illusive,” said Amanda. “I’ve been working on my self-esteem for years. The harder I work at it, the less I seem to have.”
I believe we can let go of low self-esteem. We can turn around lack of belief in ourselves. We can become willing to forgive ourselves. We can stop tolerating treatment that doesn’t feel good to us. We can look at the dangers of defining ourselves by money, power, or prestige, or by whom we know and what we have. Ultimately, we can become willing to take care of ourselves and nurture ourselves through whatever experiences life may bring.
Twelve Step programs offer two Steps that can help us build self-esteem, acceptance, and self-love. Step Six says we become entirely ready to have God take our defects of character. Step Seven says we humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings. The work isn’t easy, but it is worthwhile.
For now it’s enough to become willing to let go of our low self-esteem and all the ways that low self-esteem manifests in our lives.
God, please replace my low self-esteem with self-acceptance.
Source: April 2: Let Go of Low Self Esteem | Language of Letting Go
Go easy
“Go easy. You may have to push forward, but you don’t have to push so hard. Go in gentleness, go in peace. Do not be in so much of a hurry. At no day, no hour, no time are you required to do more than you can do in peace. Frantic behaviors and urgency are not the foundation for our new way of life. Do not be in too much of a hurry to begin. Begin, but do not force the beginning if it is not time. Beginnings will arrive soon enough. Enjoy and relish middles, the heart of the matter. Do not be in too much of a hurry to finish. You may be almost done, but enjoy the final moments. Give yourself fully to those moments so that you may give and get all there is. Let the pace flow naturally. Move forward. Start. Keep moving forward. Do it gently, though. Do it in peace. Cherish each moment. Today, God, help me focus on a peaceful pace rather than a harried one. I will keep moving forward gently, not frantically. Help me let go of my need to be anxious, upset, and harried. Help me replace it with a need to be at peace and in harmony.”
Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (p. 90). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.
Coping devices
Good stuff from Melody Beattie…
One of the silliest things we do to cope with life is devaluing ourselves when bad things happen to us.
We might have experienced a lot of pain while we were growing up. So as a child we looked around and said, “Yup. This must be my fault. There’s something wrong with me.” Continue reading “Coping devices”
Bright, shiny objects! 
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