Apparently my beloved Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are bad for you? Who would have thought the ‘nectar of the gods’ could be harmful? Full story at: Scary Stuff! The Most Dangerous Candies.
Scary Stuff! The Most Dangerous Candies
Expectations, Disappointment, Anger, Depression
Thank God for my friend Steve — he’s one of the best blessings in my life! We frequently talk first thing in the day during his morning commute. This morning we talked about expectations of other people and how they are frequently a source of disappointment and then anger and then depression. Hence the quote above…
I was sitting down to prep a screencast on the topic when I started googling for a quote from Francois Fénélon I remember as “disappointments are the bastard child of false expectations” but my memory must be off because according to Google, no such quote exists. Still it makes a point and I found some writings of Fénélon that you might find interesting…
More interesting to me at the moment is this quote from Dr. Michael Yapko:
“What single factor most determines your degree of satisfaction with your relationships, whether it’s your relationships with your government or your relationship with your kids, friends and neighbors? What single factor most influences how you gauge whether your relationship with someone is good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, worthwhile or a waste of time? Your expectations.
When you have unrealistic expectations of other people, you are at high risk for getting hurt, disappointed and depressed. It’s easiest, perhaps even reflexive, to blame them and self-righteously say, “That person let me down.” And, maybe that person did let you down. But, it’s at least as likely that you let yourself down by having unrealistic expectations to begin with.
On one level, I’m talking about your expectations of others, but on another level, I’m really talking about you – the degree to which you are aware of what your expectations are and how well you can determine whether your expectations for others- and for yourself- are realistic. If they’re not, you can suffer repeated disappointments and hurts in your relationships, and these can be victimizing and painful enough to lead to frustration, anger, disillusionment – and depression.
Peoples’ poorly informed and therefore unrealistic expectations fuel their anger and discontent. Before you get angry, it would be great if you could sit down quietly for awhile and ask yourself what you expect, how you know whether your expectations are realistic, and whether you need much more information before you get too attached to your ideas about how you think things “should” be. You’ll get much further dealing skillfully with how things really are when you catch yourself getting wrapped up in the “shoulds.”
Don’t mistake what you want for what you’re actually going to get.” Full story at: Expectations, Disappointment, Anger, Depression | Managing Depression Skillfully.
So, as Dr. Yapko says “I’m talking about your expectations of others, but on another level, I’m really talking about you – the degree to which you are aware of what your expectations are and how well you can determine whether your expectations for others- and for yourself- are realistic.” So in the end, I think you and I are called to love ourselves and part of that loving is to have reasonable expectations of our capabilities and to work to increase those capabilities. In closing, the words of the great Apostle Paul:
12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Phil. 3:12-14
3 Ways to Trust Your Body and Trust Yourself
“Your body is precious. It is our vehicle for awakening. Treat it with care.” ~Buddha
Full story at: 3 Ways to Trust Your Body and Trust Yourself | Tiny Buddha.
The Danger in Your Meat
Rodale writes:
Unless you’re eating organic meat, you’re getting a mouthful of antibiotics with every burger, fried chicken wing, or turkey sandwich you eat. The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) estimates that 80 percent of the antibiotics used in this country are fed to farm animals or slipped into the animals’ drinking water to promote growth and protect the creatures against the diseases that thrive in the filthy living conditions they are raised in. And most of those are given when the animals aren’t even sick.
That has to stop, say the 200 farmers, food producers, physicians, and scientists who signed on to two letters last week vehemently urging the FDA to put the brakes on the rampant overuse of these vital drugs in animals raised for food.” via The Danger in Your Meat | Rodale News.
Other links…
Tell Yourself How Simple it is
Melody Beattie writes:
Here’s another example about the power of simplification.
For years, I heard about hiking. It sounded so elusive, difficult, and mysterious. I didn’t do it, but I thought about hiking wistfully. One day, a friend asked me to go hiking with him. “Sure,” I said. As the day of our hike approached, I began thinking things through. I was getting a little nervous. What if I couldn’t do it well enough? What if I didn’t know how to do it at all?
Don’t be ridiculous, I scolded myself. You’re making this much more complicated than it really is. Hiking is just walking, and you’ve been doing that since you were ten months old.
The next day, I arose at 6:00 A.M., and my friend and I left for our hike. I followed my friend as he began walking up the steep incline.
Just walk, I told myself after the first ten steps. Put one foot in front of another. Walk like you’ve done all your life.
I didn’t make it to the top of the mountain that day, but I made it almost halfway.
Is there something you’ve wanted to do but have put off because it sounds too difficult and complicated? Are you saying no to something in your life that you’d like to say yes to, but it seems elusive and out of your reach? Try reducing the task or activity to its simplest form.
I have a friend who hadn’t dated for years. One day, a girl he liked asked him to go to the movies. He was anxious and nervous.
“Going to a movie is just sitting down and staring at the screen, then getting up and going home when you’ve finished,” I said. “I think you can do that.”
“You’re right,” he said. He went and had a great time.
Sometimes, we can scare ourselves out of doing the easiest things in life. Yes, hiking involves more than walking. And going on a date with someone involves a little more than sitting and staring at a screen. But not that much more. Simplify things. Bring them down to their most manageable level. Instead of talking yourself out of living, learn to talk yourself into it.
God, give me the courage to fully live my life. Help me deliberately talk myself into doing things, instead of scaring myself away.” via September 6: Tell Yourself How Simple it is.
Self care
Melody Beattie writes:
“When will we become lovable? When will we feel safe? When will we get all the protection, nurturing, and love we so richly deserve? We will get it when we begin giving it to ourselves.”Beyond Codependency
The idea of giving ourselves what we want and need can be confusing, especially if we have spent many years not knowing that it’s okay to take care of ourselves. Taking our energy and focus off others and their responsibilities and placing that energy onto ourselves and our responsibilities is a recovery behavior that can be acquired. We learn it by daily practice.
We begin by relaxing, by breathing deeply, and letting go of our fears enough to feel as peaceful as we can. Then, we ask ourselves: What do I need to do to take care of myself today, or for this moment?
What do I need and want to do? What would demonstrate love and self-responsibility?
Am I caught up in the belief that others are responsible for making me happy, responsible for me? Then the first thing I need to do is correct my belief system. I am responsible for myself.
Do I feel anxious and concerned about a responsibility I’ve been neglecting? Then perhaps I need to let go of my fears and tend to that responsibility.
Do I feel overwhelmed, out of control? Maybe I need to journey back to the first of the Twelve Steps.
Have I been working too hard? Maybe what I need to do is take some time off and do something fun.
Have I been neglecting my work or daily tasks? Then maybe what I need to do is get back to my routine.
There is no recipe, no formula, no guidebook for self-care. We each have a guide, and that guide is within us. We need to ask the question: What do I need to do to take living responsible care of myself? Then, we need to listen to the answer. Self-care is not that difficult. The most challenging part is trusting the answer, and having the courage to follow.
Today, I will focus on taking care of myself. I will trust myself and God to guide me in this process.” via Blog Archives – help and hope ministry.
Related articles
- Owning Our Power (toddlohenry.com)
- What If? (toddlohenry.com)
- Combating Shame (toddlohenry.com)
- Family Buttons (toddlohenry.com)
- Letting Go (toddlohenry.com)
- Boundaries (toddlohenry.com)
- Recognizing Choices (toddlohenry.com)
- MELODY BEATTIE: Taking Care of Herself (time.com)
Take care of yourself…
You AND your partner deserve it!
The New Yorker
Family Buttons
Melody Beattie writes:
“I was thirty five years old the first time I spoke up to my mother and refused to buy into her games and manipulation. I was terribly frightened and almost couldn’t believe I was doing this. I found I didn’t have to be meant. I didn’t have to start an argument. But I could say what I wanted and needed to say to take care of myself. I learned I could love and honor myself, and still care about my mother – the way I wanted to – not the way she wanted me to.” –Anonymous
Who knows better how to push our buttons than family members? Who, besides family members, do we give such power?
No matter how long we or our family members have been recovering, relationships with family members can be provocative.
One telephone conversation can put us in an emotional and psychological tailspin that lasts for hours or days.
Sometimes, it gets worse when we begin recovery because we become even more aware of our reactions and our discomfort. That’s uncomfortable, but good. It is by beginning this process of awareness and acceptance that we change, grow, and heal.
The process of detaching in love from family members can take years. So can the process of learning how to react in a more effective way. We cannot control what they do or try to do, but we can gain some sense of control over how we choose to react.
Stop trying to make them act or treat us any differently. Unhook from their system by refusing to try to change or influence them.
Their patterns, particularly their patterns with us, are their issues. How we react, or allow these patterns to influence us, is our issue. How we take care of ourselves is our issue.
We can love our family and still refuse to buy into their issues. We can love our family but refuse their efforts to manipulate, control, or produce guilt in us.
We can take care of ourselves with family members without feeling guilty. We can learn to be assertive with family members without being aggressive. We can set the boundaries we need and want to set with family members without being disloyal to the family.
We can learn to love our family without forfeiting love and respect for ourselves.
Today, help me start practicing self care with family members. Help me know that I do not have to allow their issues to control my life, my day, or my feelings. Help me know it’s okay to have all my feelings about family members, without guilt or shame.
Source: Detachment – Cyber Recovery Social Network Forums – Alcohol and Drug Addiction Help/Support
Go to the source for additional self-care thoughts on attachment and detachment.
Don’t Look Back In Anger!
The Daily Love via Visual Inspiration: Don’t Look Back In Anger!.
Constantly Feel Good About Yourself Using These 3 Steps
It is important that you feel good about yourself. More and more scientific evidence points towards a significant link between how you feel about yourself and your overall health and sense of well-being. Scientists have proven that feelings of inferiority have the capacity to pave the way to illness or disease. On the other hand, if you feel good about yourself, have a positive outlook, and maintain an active involvement in life, you’re more likely to be happy and healthy.
Our emotional state can be affected by a lot of things the environment we are in, the people we are with, the weather, the food we eat, how much sleep we’ve had, and so on. Feeling insecure, incapable and inadequate once in a while is part of being human, what matters is that you are able to make yourself feel better again.
If you feel as if you are currently in a state wherein you need some help on bolstering your feelings of self-worth, here are some ideas that you may find helpful:
Step 1: Reframe your identity
If you were asked to describe yourself, what would you say? What be the first adjectives that you would come out with? Experts say that a person’s self-worth can be assessed by the first five words that he would use to answer this question. If you answer with negative adjectives, then you would need to redefine how you think about yourself. Instead of focusing on the shortfalls in your life, bring to mind things that make you special.
For example, instead of branding yourself as a mere office worker, try looking at yourself as a great Mom or a great Dad. Pride yourself on your greatest achievements instead of highlighting flaws.
Step 2: Challenge negative self-talk
As we go about our daily lives, we constantly think about and interpret every situation that we encounter. It’s like we have this voice inside our head that talks us through everything. Psychologists call this inner voice “self-talk.” How this inner voice talks to us is based on our values, beliefs and our conscious and subconscious thoughts. If your self-talk is mostly negative, you will have a very hard time feeling good about yourself.
To correct negative self-talk, you need to learn to notice it as it happens, and consciously dispute and challenge these negative and irrational thoughts. Ask yourself questions like, “Are my thoughts factual?”, “Is this situation as bad as I am making out to be?” or “What can I do that will help me solve the problem?”. Make it a point to conquer self-defeating thoughts with positive and realistic thinking.
Step 3: Take time for yourself
In this world where everyone and everything seems to be in a rush, most of us don’t make ourselves a priority. Often we focus on catering to the needs of others and on being productive. Although it is good to take care of the people you love and fulfill your responsibilities at home and at work, you should not neglect your responsibility and obligation to yourself.
In the same way that you make others feel good when you take care of them, taking care of yourself will also bring about the same feelings. Make it a point that you allocate a certain amount of time each day for yourself to do things you love. Paying attention to yourself has been proven to improve self-esteem and feelings of self worth.
It is impossible for anyone to feel perfectly happy about who he is for their entire life. We are all bound to feel inferior or insecure every once in a while. Fortunately, our thoughts and feelings are not permanent and there are so many ways to love, accept and feel good about ourselves.” via Constantly Feel Good About Yourself Using These 3 Steps.
Stop Depriving Yourself – Start Taking Care Of Yourself
Ooooh, good stuff Marie! Gotta grab it…
Letting Go of Self-Doubt
A second shot of Melody Beattie for today:
A married woman who had recently joined Al Anon called me one afternoon. She worked part-time as a registered nurse, had assumed all the responsibilities for raising her two children, and did all the household chores, including repairs and finances. “I want to separate from my husband,” she sobbed. “I can’t stand him or his abuse any longer. But tell me, please tell me,” she said, “do you think I can take care of myself?” — Codependent No More
Not only is it okay to take care of ourselves, we can take good care of ourselves.
Many of us, so confident about our ability to take care of others, doubt our inherent strength to care for ourselves. We may have come to believe, from our past or present circumstances, that we need to take care of others and we need others to take care of us. This is the ultimate codependent belief.
No matter where this self-defeating belief was born, we can release it and replace it with a better one, a healthier one, a more accurate one.
We can take care of ourselves — whether we are in or out of a relationship. Everything we need will be provided. We will have loved ones, friends, and our Higher Power to help.
Knowing that we can take care of ourselves doesn’t mean we won’t have feelings of fear, discomfort, doubt, anger, and fragility at times. It means we practice “courageous vulnerability,” as Colette Dowling called it in Cinderella Complex. We may feel scared, but we do it anyway.
Today, God, help me know how I can take care of myself.” via June 19: Letting Go of Self-Doubt.
Few books have been more useful to me in my life — if any of the codependency scenarios resonate with you, I recommend you purchase it, the workbook and ‘The Language of Letting Go‘…
3 Ways To Find the Truth—About Yourself
Michael Hyatt writes:
Many of us have a love/hate relationship with truth. We tell ourselves we want to know the truth, but we’re very selective about the kind of truth we seek. About others, yes—and usually about world events and situations that impact us directly, but we are less receptive to revelations about ourselves.
In fact, self-knowledge is a two-edged sword because we might find out something about ourselves that we would rather not know. We’ve carefully packaged ourselves to look and act in a manner that ensures success in the world. Our ego has dressed us up for so long that many of us don’t even know how to begin to peel back the layers of illusion to expose cold, hard facts about ourselves.” Get more here: 3 Ways To Find the Truth—About Yourself | Michael Hyatt.
Responsibility
Melody Beattie writes:
Self care means taking responsibility for ourselves. Taking responsibility for ourselves includes assuming our true responsibilities to others. Sometimes, when we begin recovery, we’re worn down from feeling responsible for so many other people. Learning that we need only take responsibility for ourselves may be such a great relief that, for a time, we disown our responsibilities to others.
The goal in recovery is to find the balance: we take responsibility for ourselves, and we identify our true responsibilities to others.
This may take some sorting through, especially if we have functioned for years on distorted notions about our responsibilities to others. We may be responsible to one person as a friend or as an employee; to another person, we’re responsible as an employer or as a spouse. With each person, we have certain responsibilities. When we tend to those true responsibilities, we’ll find balance in our life.
We are also learning that while others aren’t responsible for us, they are accountable to us in certain ways.
We can learn to discern our true responsibilities for ourselves, and to others. We can allow others to be responsible for themselves and expect them to be appropriately responsible to us.
We’ll need to be gentle with ourselves while we learn.
Today, I will strive for clear thinking about my actual responsibilities to others. I will assume these responsibilities as part of taking care of myself.
Related articles
- Sadness (toddlohenry.com)
- Codepedence is not just an issue for partners of addicts (toddlohenry.com)
- …on Control (toddlohenry.com)
- Are You Making Someone Else Your Higher Power? (toddlohenry.com)
- …on feeling good (toddlohenry.com)
- Fear & Codependency (toddlohenry.com)
Don’t Look Back In Anger!
The Daily Love via Visual Inspiration: Don’t Look Back In Anger!.
Bright, shiny objects! 
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