The victim trap

“The belief that life has to be hard and difficult is the belief that makes a martyr. We can change our negative beliefs about life, and whether we have the power to stop our pain and take care of ourselves. We aren’t helpless. We can solve our problems. We do have power—not to change or control others, but to solve the problems that are ours to solve. Using each problem that comes our way to “prove” that life is hard and we are helpless—this is codependency. It’s the victim trap. Life does not have to be difficult. In fact, it can be smooth. Life is good. We don’t have to “awfulize” it, or ourselves. We don’t have to live on the underside. We do have power, more power than we know, even in the difficult times. And the difficult times don’t prove life is bad; they are part of the ups and downs of life; often, they work out for the best. We can change our attitude; we can change ourselves; sometimes, we can change our circumstances. Life is challenging. Sometimes, there’s more pain than we asked for; sometimes, there’s more joy than we imagined. It’s all part of the package, and the package is good. We are not victims of life. We can learn to remove ourselves as victims of life. By letting go of our belief that life has to be hard and difficult, we make our life much easier. Today, God, help me let go of my belief that life is so hard, so awful, or so difficult. Help me replace that belief with a healthier, more realistic view.”

Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (pp. 331-332). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.

Taking care of ourselves…

A Belgian Westland Sea King at work doing a re...
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A good thought this morning from ‘The Language of Letting Go’…

We do not have to wait for others to come to our aid. We are not victims. We are not helpless. Letting go of faulty thinking means we realize there are no knights on white horses, no magical grandmothers in the sky watching, waiting to rescue us. Teachers may come our way, but they will not rescue. They will teach. People who care will come, but they will not rescue. They will care. Help will come, but help is not rescuing. We are our own rescuers.

Our relationships will improve dramatically when we stop rescuing others and stop expecting them to rescue us. Today, I will let go of the fears and self-doubt that block me from taking assertive action in my best interest. I can take care of myself and let others do the same for themselves.

Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (p. 329). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.

Peace…

Logo of the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament (...
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“Anxiety is often our first reaction to conflict, problems, or even our own fears. In those moments, detaching and getting peaceful may seem disloyal or apathetic. We think: If I really care, I’ll worry; if this is really important to me, I must stay upset. We convince ourselves that outcomes will be positively affected by the amount of time we spend worrying.

Our best problem solving resource is peace. Solutions arise easily and naturally out of a peaceful state. Often, fear and anxiety block solutions. Anxiety gives power to the problem, not the solution. It does not help to harbor turmoil. It does not help.

Peace is available if we choose it. In spite of chaos and unsolved problems around us, all is well. Things will work out. We can surround ourselves with the resources of the Universe: water, earth, a sunset, a walk, a prayer, a friend. We can relax and let ourselves feel peace.

Today, I will let go of my need to stay in turmoil. I will cultivate peace and trust that timely solutions and goodness will arise naturally and harmoniously out of the wellspring of peace. I will consciously let go and let God.” Source; November 13: Peace | Language of Letting Go

Fullfillment

““Everything I need shall be provided today. Everything:’ Say it, until you believe it. Say it at the beginning of the day. Say it throughout the day. Sometimes, it helps to know what we want and need. But if we don’t, we can trust that God does. When we ask, trust, and believe that our needs will be met, our needs will be met. Sometimes God cares about the silliest little things, if we do. Today, I will affirm that my needs will be met. I will affirm that God cares and is the Source of my supply. Then I will let go and see that what I have risked to believe is the truth.” Source: November 12: Fullfillment | Language of Letting Go

Surrender

Umezu signing the instrument of surrender to t...
Surrender...

“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. Step Three of Al-Anon; Surrendering to a Power greater than ourselves is how we become empowered. We become empowered in a new, better, more effective way than we believed possible. Doors open. Windows open. Possibilities occur. Our energy becomes channeled, at last, in areas and ways that work for us. We become in tune with the Plan for our life and our place in the Universe. And there is a Plan and Place for us. We shall see that. We shall know that. The Universe will open up and make a special place for us, with all that we need provided. It will be good. Understand that it is good, now. Learning to own our power will come, if we are open to it. We do not need to stop at powerlessness and helplessness. That is a temporary place where we re-evaluate where we have been trying to have power when we have none. Once we surrender, it is time to become empowered. Let the power come, naturally. It is there. It is ours. Today, I will be open to understanding what it means to own my power. I will accept powerlessness where I have no power; I will also accept the power that is mine to receive.” Source: November 11: Surrender | Language of Letting Go

Be your own hero

One of my favorite bloggers happens to be a client. Her name is Nilofer Merchant. Of all the Steve Jobs’ ‘lessons’ that have been gleaned, I believe she has written the best and I share a part of it with you here…

“When I was growing up, I looked for a savior in just about everyone.

There were too many fruitless visits from child protective services. There were too many police cars that arrived to “quiet things down” only to let them flare up again the next day. There were too many visits to the hospital.The police men, the agency representatives, and even the hospital workers seemed unable to do anything about what they clearly knew was a problem. There were still too many holes in the wall from when the rolling pin aimed at me, missed.

Since those adults were unable to help me, it’s no wonder that I started to imagine a hero in my father, whom I did not remember and hadn’t seen since I was a toddler. I created a fantasy life where he rode to my rescue. Finally, when I was 12 years old, I met him again. And, of course, while the specific story is complicated, you won’t be surprised to find out that the person who had abandoned me when I was a baby wasn’t the person who was going to save me years later.

The day I met him, I realized something that would shape the rest of my life: there was no Hero (or Heroine) who was going to save me. I needed to save myself.

So, it’s with that life context that I am watching the beatification of Steve Jobs. Google the term, “Steve Jobs tribute” and you get back 5 million plus results. And I’m fairly sure that’s an undercount. There’s a good reason for this; the Hero Narrative has deep roots in our culture. We find it in history books and religions, in our sports teams and, yes, even in our corporate cultures. We obsess. We deify, as if there is a single defining idea of how innovation works, what makes a leader great, or how success happens.

This is not new. It is the idea of The One and it shows up in many ways: Who will be the next leader of the free world? What nation will be the next superpower? Which visionary company is the single conqueror of industry? (It’s Amazon, it’s Google, it’s Facebook, it’s Apple!). And we have it in management disciplines with debates like: isn’t it better to have one smart person than lots of ordinary people working for our organizations?

But I wonder if this framework is wrong.

Let’s take another look at Steve Jobs’s own example. He didn’t study other people; he followed his own passions. He didn’t seek meaning by trying to emulate someone else’s life, or even emulating the winning business practices of his day — as I’ve written before, he created a clarity of purpose for himself. The same principle can apply to all of us.

With all due respect to the Harvard Business Review, I’m going to ask you to follow the ‘via’ link and read the rest of Nilofer’s article and please, comment on it there…

I’m tempted to say that Nilofer is my hero, but I can hear her tell me ‘Dude. Be your own hero!‘ as clear as day in my mind. Her closing words say it all: “The cultural change when people know their own purpose and their own power in creating change is what could change everything: for ourselves, for our organizations, and our economy. So, go ahead and buy that Walter Isaacson book. But, let’s not obsess over being the next Steve Jobs or starting the next Facebook or [whatever]. Let us, instead, be inspired to find our own purpose in the world, and a tribe of people to do it with.”

The Four Laws of Simplicity, and How to Apply Them to Life

Self-portrait of Leonardo da Vinci. Red chalk....
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Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. – Leonardo da Vinci

The problem with many books and guides on simplifying your clutter, your work life, your desk, your life, is that they are usually too darn complicated.

We need a simple method of simplifying.

It’s been nearly a decade since I first started trying to simplify my life, and in those years I’ve struggled with clutter, I’ve had surges and ebbs of complications and simplicity, I’ve tried dozens of methods of simplifying from as many sources. It’s been an interesting journey, although not one that I can recommend to everyone. If you’re looking to simplify a certain aspect of your life, you don’t want to go through that kind of confusion.

So I’ve boiled it down to a simple method of Four Laws of Simplicity (apologies to John Maeda) that you can use on any area of your life, and in fact on your life as a whole:

1. Collect everything in one place.

2. Choose the essential.

3. Eliminate the rest.

4. Organize the remaining stuff neatly and nicely.

Follow the ‘via’ link if you’d like the rest of Leo’s thoughts on the matter…

Enough for everyone…

Bondi Beach
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One sweltering summer day, I sought escape from the heat at a nearby beach.  Lying there with my lemonade, I looked at all the people soaking up the sun.  No matter how many people were on that beach, there would be enough sun for everyone.  I realized that the same was true of God’s love and guidance.  No matter how many people seek a Higher Power’s help, there is always enough to go around.  To someone who believed that there was never enough time, money, love, or anything else, this was amazing news!

This awareness was tested at an Al-Anon meeting when someone spoke about his Higher Power with a personal love and intensity that matched my own.  I felt as if his intimacy with God would leave less love for me.  But I think that the opposite is true.  I often feel closest to my “Higher Power” when I hear others share about how well a Higher Power has taken care of them.  Today I try to remember that there is enough love for us all…

Follow the ‘via’ link above for another recovery blog that I think you’ll enjoy…

Step One: Self-love. Step Two: True Love

Author: Bagande
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Good stuff from lovemeister Mastin Kipp…

If you’re looking for a truly Loving relationship, it is very difficult to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t on the path to self-love. We don’t have to love ourselves perfectly to find awesome love, but we have to be on the path to self-love. This also means that whomever we choose to be in a relationship with should be on that path, too.

There will never be a perfect moment where we love ourselves perfectly and then we can be in a relationship. It’s a constant process of discovery with no end. But for a relationship to thrive and for intimacy to emerge, each person must be dedicated to growth; otherwise, you will hit a wall.

A huge revelation for me recently has been that nobody, including myself, is perfect. It sounds obvious when I write it, but for many years I would meet people and project this expectation of perfection on to them. And I would get mad, angry and hurt when they wouldn’t meet that expectation. So, I’ve recently decided that from the beginning of any relationships I start, that I want to acknowledge my own imperfection as well as the imperfection of the other person and consciously choose to enter into a relationship not seeking perfection, but rather loving each other’s imperfections. And instead of looking to the other person to meet all our needs perfectly, to take our eyes off of ourselves and put them on The Uni-verse.

Signs of self sabotage…

Great stuff from new client Gemma Stone

The ‘higher power’ and relationships…


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“A definition of Interdependence is, “a reciprocal relation between interdependent entities.”

The key word here is: “reciprocal”. Interdependence can be thought of as a relationship where each party gives and receives from his or her own internal overflow. Which is TOTALLY different than “codependence” which can be thought of as being “addicted to someone”.

Another way to look at it, spiritually, is this:

A codependent person makes someone else his or her Higher Power. An interdependent person knows that The Uni-verse is their Higher Power and keeps their focus on that, while choosing to be in a relationship with someone else who is also looking to The Uni-verse to fulfill them…

You see, when we make someone else our Higher Power, we are REALLY setting ourselves up for pain. This is a top cause of pain in relationships and of break ups. We are looking to someone else for something they can never give us – which is perfect and unwavering Love. There is only one place unwavering Love comes from and that is The Uni-verse.

The Love of The Uni-verse never changes; other people change all the time. When we keep our eyes on The Uni-verse and surrender to It’s will for us, we take everyone else off the hook for our happiness. We no longer seek to take Love from them, but to show up from a place of overflow and give Love to them. This kind of relationship creates two really great givers and FORgivers. This is the cornerstone of having an awesome and long-term relationship.

Are you making a person your Higher Power? Are you ready to take your eyes off of them and put them towards The Uni-verse and accept It’s perfect Love for you? Can you see yourself and those you are in relationship with as imperfect human beings who are fallible and Love them anyways, not because they are fulfilling your every need, but because it is Love that is who you really are? Do you think you might be addicted to someone?” Source; A Top Cause of Relationship Pain & BreakUps!

Of course for me, the Uni-verse is Jesus, but Mastin Kipp makes brilliant sense here. For me, anyway. As Gibran said “Do not say I have found THE truth, but I have found A truth”. Kipp and his site have really been a blessing to me as I try to take a healthier perspective on relationships…

It’s Our Lesson

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
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When you learn your lessons, the pain goes away.
– Elisabeth Kübler-Ross,
The Wheel of Life

Sometimes, we wait and wait for a painful situation to end. When will he stop drinking? When will she call? When will this financial stuff get better? When will I know what to do next?

Life has its own timeline. As soon as we get the lesson, the pain neutralizes, then disappears.
And the lesson is always ours.

Examine your life. Are you waiting for someone or something outside of you to happen to make you feel better? Are you waiting for someone to learn his or her lesson for your pain to stop? If you are, try turning inward. See what the less on really is.

God, please show me what I’m supposed to be learning right now.

Just For Today

JUST FOR TODAY
I will try to live through this day only
and not tackle my whole life problem at once.
I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me
if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

JUST FOR TODAY
I will be happy.
This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said,
that, “most folks are as happy as
they make up their minds to be”.

JUST FOR TODAY
I will adjust myself to what is,
and not try to adjust everything to my own desires.
I will take my “luck” as it comes and fit myself to it.

JUST FOR TODAY
I will try to strengthen my mind.
I will study. I will not be a mental loafer.
I will read something that requires
mental effort and concentration.

JUST FOR TODAY
I will exercise my soul in three ways.
I will do somebody a good turn and not get found out.
If anybody knows of it, it will not count.
I will do at least two things
I do not want to do – just for exercise.
I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt;
they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

JUST FOR TODAY
I will be agreeable,
will look as well as I can,
dress becomingly, talk low,
act courteously, criticise not one bit,
not find fault with anything
and not try to improve or regulate
anybody except myself.

JUST FOR TODAY
I will have a programme –
I may not be able to follow it exactly,
but I will have it.
I will save myself from two pests:
hurry and indecision.

JUST FOR TODAY
I will have a quiet half hour
all to myself and relax.
During this half hour, sometime,
I will try to get a better perspective of my life.

JUST FOR TODAY
I will be unafraid,
especially I will not be afraid
to enjoy what is beautiful,
and to believe that as I give to the world,
so the world gives to me.

Remember who you are…

Lose Wait Now

Some good thoughts from life coach Kute Blackson…

The real heroes of the world did not wait for some special moment. Look at Mother Teresa.  She didn’t wait until she’d amassed enough funds, built a foundation, found the right board of directors to begin serving those in need. She simply began where she was. She responded to that moment of seeing a person in desperation. She responded to the urgent call of the now. She took action.

In Mother Teresa’s own words:

“I began. I picked up one person. Maybe if I didn’t pick up that one person I wouldn’t have picked up the others.  The whole work is only a drop in the ocean.  But if we don’t put the drop in, the ocean would be one drop less.  Same thing for you. Same thing for your family. Same thing in the church where you go. Just begin… One, one, one.”

People, and maybe this includes you, will find any excuse to wait. Sure, they plan to take action when their husband shows up. Or they retire. Or they get a raise or the kids grow old. Always waiting for that magical moment to appear before they can give their gift. But I’m saying that that moment is an illusion. Waiting is suffering. It’s the main reason, I believe, so many are depressed in the world. We can feel our gift inside rotting while so many go hungry. Yet, we’re so convinced that the big, drum-roll moment is coming that we don’t really live; we don’t really give.

What illusion is your mind telling you that needs to be different for you before it will allow you to give your gifts?

Real heroes give, live and love now. Loving now is when you no longer wait for a raise, but raise the level of your giving. Give way more than you’re required, adding outrageous value. Look for unique ways to serve those around you. Know that sometimes the payback won’t come from the source of your giving or whom you thought it would come from. But rest assured, when you give your gifts, that energy will always flow back to you.

Life sees everything. You can’t cheat life. And life won’t cheat you.

No matter who you are, exactly as your life is now, you have something valuable to give. We can all start giving our gifts now, without waiting until a time in the distant future when we have all the grand resources we think we need.

So:

Take your best dress out of the closet and wear it.
Take your best plate out of the cupboard and use it.
Take your best loving off the shelf and share it.
Take your mind out of control and lose it.

There is no “special” moment.
This is it.
There is no special person to give your gifts to.
Everyone is it.

When you realize that, everything becomes special, and the wait is over.

Today is the day to drop the “wait” in your life?
Go.
Go.
Go.

7 Little Things That Make Life Effortless

Pelican cleaning itself
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Leo Babauta writes this morning…

1. Do less. This is my productivity mantra, and it’s counterintuitive. I actually don’t believe in productivity, but instead believe in doing the important things. Do less, and you’ll force yourself to choose between what’s just busywork, and what really matters. Life then becomes effortless, as you accomplish big things while being less busy.

2. Having less is lighter. Start asking yourself if you really need everything you have, or if you just have it out of fear. Start to let go of what you have, so it doesn’t own you. And then, as you have less, you feel lighter. It’s wonderful.

3. Let the little things go. People who struggle often fight over little things. We obsess over things that don’t really matter. We create resistance instead of letting things glide off us. Let the little things go, breathe, and move on to the important things.

4. Clean as you go. I haven’t written about this for a long time, but early in the life of Zen Habits I wrote about the habit of cleaning as you go. Instead of letting the cleaning pile up, put things away when you’re done. Wash your bowl. Wipe the counters clean as you pass them. Sweep up dirt when you notice it. By cleaning a little bit at a time, as you make messes, cleaning up becomes a breeze, and it’s never difficult. By the way, this applies to everything in life, not just cleaning.

5. Make small, gradual changes. Most people are too impatient to follow this advice — they want to do everything at once. We have so many changes to make, but we don’t want to wait a year for it all to happen. As a result, we often fail, and then feel crappy about it. Or we don’t start at all, because so many big changes is intimidating and overwhelming. I’ve learned the hard way that small changes are incredibly powerful, and they last longer. Gradual change leads to huge change, but slowly, and in a way that sticks. And it’s effortless.

6. Learn to focus on the things that matter. This is implied in the items above, but it’s so important I have to emphasize it. Swimming (or any physical activity for that matter) is best done when you do only the motions that matter, and eliminate the extraneous motions. Stop thrashing, start becoming more efficient and fluid. You do this by learning what matters, and cutting out the wasted activity.

7. Be compassionate. This makes dealing with others much more effortless. It also makes you feel better about yourself. People like you more, and you improve the lives of others. Make every dealing with another human being one where you practice compassion.

Follow the ‘via’ link above for the rest of his thoughts on the topic…

Dump it

thues 3
Image by thierry llansades via Flickr

Sometimes, we don’t have one clear feeling to express. We have a bunch of garbage we’ve collected, and we just need to dump.

We may be frustrated, angry, afraid, and sick to death of something all in one ugly bunch. We could be enraged, hurt, overwhelmed, and feeling somewhat controlling and vengeful, too. Our emotional stuff has piled up to an unmanageable degree.

We can go to our journal and write this whole mess of feelings out, as ugly as it looks and as awkward and ungrateful as it feels to put it into words. We can call up a friend, someone we trust, and just spifi all this out over the phone. Or we can stomp around our living room in the privacy of our own home and just dump all this stuff out into the air. We can go for a drive in our car, roll the window down, and dump everything out as we drive through the wilderness.

The important idea here is to dump our stuff when it piles up.

You don’t always have to be that healthy and in control of what you feel. Sometimes, dumping all your stuff is the way to dean things out.

God, help me understand that sometimes the only thing preventing me from moving forward in my life is hanging on to all the stuff that I really need to dump.

It’s Time To Let Go!

Love Problems and Advice Illustrated SA
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It’s okay to let go.

True Love is letting go. Freedom and free will are the by-products of Love.

So many of us lead our lives holding on so tightly that nothing new, nothing miraculous can find us.

We have been taught for a very long time that holding on is what makes us strong, is what Love is made of and is the best answer.

But we are stepping into a new paradigm. We are stepping into a time where growth and Love lead the way. This means we are constantly changing, evolving, dying and being reborn.

What must come first is our own spiritual growth. This means listening to our intuition, trusting our gut and expressing ourselves authentically without hiding.

Holding on to a broken relationship stunts our growth. You don’t get points from The Uni-verse for how much you suffer. The Uni-verse wants to deliver to you all that your heart desires.

Kein Drama

The dramatic masks of Thalia and Melpomene, th...
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Melody Beattie shares this this morning…

Actors in movies or on television often must exaggerate their feelings in order to create drama on the screen. If they are hurt, they cry with a special intensity. If afraid, they scream and cower in a corner or curl up on a sofa. They may grab a person trying to leave and beg for that person to stay. In rage, they may stomp around hollering in a dramatic storm.

We can learn to separate what we’re feeling from what we do. If we’re feeling fear, hurt, anger, or any other emotion, we need to experience the emotion until we become clear. Sometimes beating a pillow helps release our anger. But we don’t have to stomp around and slam doors. That’s letting our emotions control us.

You don’t have to revel in your emotions. And you can separate your behaviors what you do—from what you feel.

Stop being a twentieth-century drama queen. It isn’t necessary, anymore. We are more conscious than that now.

God, help me let go of the unnecessary drama in my life.

So what does ‘Kein Drama’ mean? My friend Michael in Germany is fond of saying that — Kein Drama — it means literally ‘no drama’ but it was his way of saying it’s no big deal…

When I say to myself or my family ‘Kein Drama’ it means something different. It means let’s put an end to this unnecessary emotion. I need to think more about the dramas in which I play a role and sometimes it’s ok to put down the script and say ‘I don’t like this role that you would like me to play’. I don’t have to meet all my wife’s expectations. I don’t have to live up to my in-laws expectations. I don’t have to live up to all of mine, either…

Melody’s post is a good reminder for me to put the drama aside and focus on the things that are really important; God, help me let go of the unnecessary drama in my life…

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