Tag: Wisdom

Inventory Time!

Tony Gaskin, Jr., has some thoughts I’d like to share with you today…

It’s that time of the year to evaluate your life. Evaluate the people in your life. Evaluate the things in your life. Evaluate the habits in your life. Then eliminate the things that are weighing you down, tearing you down, or holding you back.

Questions to ask yourself:

  • Do those riding with me on the road to destiny have gas money?
  • Are the people in my life pushing me forward or holding me back?
  • Do I have habits that are hindering my greatness?
  • Am I living the best life I can live at this point in my life?
  • What things can I do to make my life better?

It’s that time to stop making excuses and start making changes. As its been said: our life is a product of our decisions not our conditions. Make new decisions, take action and have a better life. Don’t be afraid of change because in order to grow we must change. Therefore if you want something new, then you have to be willing to do something new!

Don’t go into the New Year with old baggage! Upgrade your life – it’s that time!

If you need a little help getting your New Year’s Resolution together please make sure you read my new ebook-> “The Road To Destiny: Your New Year’s Resolution”

Source: Inventory Time!

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The holidays…

isolation and chaosMore healthy thinking from Melody Beattie…

Sometimes, the holidays are filled with the joy we associate with that time of year. The season flows. Magic is in the air. Sometimes, the holidays can be difficult and lonely. Here are some ideas I’ve learned through personal experience, and practice, to help us get through difficult holidays: Deal with feelings, but try not to dwell unduly on them. Put the holidays in perspective: A holiday is one day out of 365. We can get through any 24-hour period. Get through the day, but be aware that there may be a post-holiday backlash. Sometimes, if we use our survival behaviors to get through the day, the feelings will catch up to us the next day. Deal with them too. Get back on track as quickly as possible. Find and cherish the love that’s available, even if it’s not exactly what we want. Is there someone we can give love to and receive love from? Recovering friends? Is there a family who would enjoy sharing their holiday with us? Don’t be a martyr; go. There may be those who would appreciate our offer to share our day with them. We are not in the minority if we find ourselves experiencing a less-than-ideal holiday. How easy, but untrue, to tell ourselves the rest of the world is experiencing the perfect holiday, and we’re alone in conflict. We can create our own holiday agenda. Buy yourself a present. Find someone to whom you you can give. Unleash your loving, nurturing self and give in to the holiday spirit. Maybe past holidays haven’t been terrific. Maybe this year wasn’t terrific. But next year can be better, and the next a little better. Work toward a better life—one that meets your needs. Before long, you’ll have it.

God, help me enjoy and cherish this holiday. If my situation is less than ideal, help me take what’s good and let go of the rest.

Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (p. 371). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.

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12 Tips To Assure You Enjoy The Holidays (Not Just Endure Them)!

Merry Christmas!Here in the midst of the holiday season, we’re so busy attending to others’ needs that it is all too easy to forget to take care of ourselves. While buying presents, cooking, and hosting our families and friends, we often push aside our own needs and desires. While the holidays are a wonderful time to be together with our loved ones, they can also be extremely busy and sometimes emotionally fraught, making the expression of self-love all the more important.

Forgetting to love ourselves can lead to seasonal blues, stress and anxiety. And while we may think we’re helping others, we are actually setting a negative example, especially for the children in our lives. Watching mom, uncle or grandma neglect him or herself is not a model we want our children to emulate.

Self-love does not, however, have to be left out of the holidays. I’m delighted to share these tips to help you navigate the holiday season in a way that is loving and considerate of yourself. I’ve developed these techniques through my own experiences and my work as a Body Image mentor and life coach. Following this advice helps my students remain calm and focused during the holidays.

Source: 12 Tips To Assure You Enjoy The Holidays (Not Just Endure Them)!

Go to the source if you’d like to get the 12 tips in detail and Happy Holidays to you…

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Getting through the holidays…

Christmas lights on Aleksanterinkatu.

These thoughts from Melody Beattie are helpful to me…

For some, the sights, signs, and smells of the holidays bring joy and a warm feeling. But, while others are joyously diving into the season, some of us are dipping into conflict, guilt, and a sense of loss. We read articles on how to enjoy the holidays, we read about the Christmas blues, but many of us still can’t figure out how to get through the holiday season. We may not know what a joyous holiday would look and feel like. Many of us are torn between what we want to do on the holiday, and what we feel we have to do. We may feel guilty because we don’t want to be with our families. We may feel a sense of loss because we don’t have the kind of family to be with that we want. Many of us, year after year, walk into the same dining room on the same holiday, expecting this year to be different. Then we leave, year after year, feeling let down, disappointed, and confused by it all. Many of us have old, painful memories triggered by the holidays. Many of us feel a great deal of relief when the holiday is ended. One of the greatest gifts of recovery is learning that we are not alone. There are probably as many of us in conflict during the holidays as there are those who feel at peace. We’re learning, through trial and error, how to take care of ourselves a little better each holiday season. Our first recovery task during the holidays is to accept ourselves, our situation, and our feelings about our situation. We accept our guilt, anger, and sense of loss. It’s all okay. There is no right or perfect way to handle the holidays. Our strength can be found in doing the best we can, one year at a time. This holiday season, I will give myself permission to take care of myself.

Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (p. 370). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.

This is me — “Many of us, year after year, walk into the same dining room on the same holiday, expecting this year to be different. Then we leave, year after year, feeling let down, disappointed, and confused by it all. Many of us have old, painful memories triggered by the holidays. Many of us feel a great deal of relief when the holiday is ended.” — This year, I have healthy boundaries around the holidays and I’m not walking into that dining room and I feel relief already…

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Holiday triggers

A Christmas tree inside a home.

One year, when I was a child, my father got drunk and violent at Christmas. I had just unwrapped a present, a bottle of hand lotion, when he exploded in an alcoholic rage. Our Christmas was disrupted. It was terrible. It was frightening for the whole family. Now, thirty-five years later, whenever I smell hand lotion, I immediately feel all the feelings I did that Christmas: the fear, the disappointment, the heartache, the helplessness, and an instinctive desire to control. —Anonymous

There are many positive triggers that remind us of Christmas: snow, decorations, “Silent Night,” “Jingle Bells,” wrapped packages, a nativity scene, stockings hung on a fireplace. These “triggers” can evoke in us the warm, nostalgic feelings of the Christmas celebration. There are other kinds of triggers, though, that may be less apparent and evoke different feelings and memories. Our mind is like a powerful computer. It links sight, sound, smell, touch, and taste with feelings, thoughts, and memories. It links our senses—and we remember. Sometimes the smallest, most innocuous incident can trigger memories. Not all our memories are pleasant, especially if we grew up in an alcoholic, dysfunctional setting. We may not understand why we suddenly feel afraid, depressed, anxious. We may not understand what has triggered our codependent coping behaviors—the low self-worth, the need to control, the need to neglect ourselves. When that happens, we need to understand that some innocuous event may be triggering memories recorded deep within us. If something, even something we don’t understand, triggers painful memories, we can pull ourselves back into theby self-care: acknowledging our feelings, detaching, working the Steps, and affirming ourselves. We can take action to feel good. We can help ourselves feel better each Christmas. No matter what the past held, we can put it in perspective, and create a more pleasant holiday today. Today, I will gently work through my memories of this holiday season. I will accept my feelings, even if I consider them different than what others are feeling this holiday. God, help me let go, heal from, and release the painful memories surrounding the holidays. Help me finish my business from the past, so I can create the holiday of my choice.

Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (p. 369). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.

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It’s not you, it’s me: How family karma shapes your relationship

My favorite ‘healthy’ blog of the week is called ‘Loving with Power’ and it’s hosted by my client Michele Lisenbury Christensen. Ah, you say, client! This is just another developer promoting his work. Actually, no – I helped Michele get a grip on her email and although I’m a web developer I had nothing to do with this masterpiece…

Do you ever get the feeling your partner is relating more to someone from her past – say, his mom or her big brother – than to you?  Like you do something and the reaction is out of proportion or out of sync with what you did, as if some old junk is getting triggered?  The good news is, you’re probably right – it’s more about then, and less about now.  The harder to take news?

You do it too, baby.

We’re all reacting to our families every day, even when we think it’s our partner’s actions, words, and presence we’re responding to.

“But I had a nice family!” you say.

Me, too, in so very many ways.  But whomever you grew up among, I believe you came to this planet and picked a situation to help you work on some of the rough edges in your soul, so your family doesn’t have to be drama central or a source of misery to give you “karma” or fodder for development.  They just remind you of what you came here to learn.  As does your current partner, no?

The 3 ways we make sure our karma gets triggered:

– We attract people who let us recreate these dramas
– We elicit behavior from those we’re with that, once again, makes us feel the way we hate feeling but that’s familiar
– We interpret/distort WHATEVER they do, even if it bears no resemblance, as being more of the same

And I’ll be damned if it isn’t reallllllllly compelling to think, when I’m upset with my partner Kurt, that this is a cut-and-dried issue of his, or between us… but surely NOT a dance elegantly orchestrated by my karma so as to help me wake up!  So if you find this karma junk really off-pissing, please know that I feel ya, and agree, and lovingly reiterate: it’s yours.  And it’ll persist till you open its gifts.

Do you really want it gone?

Over time, we can increase our awareness of how this “family karma” shapes our view of our partner, but we’re probably not going to get rid of it 100%.  It’s too rich a territory to utterly eradicate.  What would be the fun in that?  Eric Klein of wisdomheart.org says “the aim is to be in relationship 80% with your partner and only 20% with your past.”  I can hang with 80%, can’t you? We came to this life to heal this stuff, work it out, and release it so we don’t have to spend future lifetimes lamenting it, but staying with the process feels more important (and possible!) to me than getting it “perfect.”

Source: It’s not you, it’s me: How family karma shapes your relationship – Loving With Power

I strongly suggest you follow Michele and put her in Google Reader like I did…

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Crap You’re Leaving Behind In 2011 (And What To Take Into 2012)

English: Fireworks over Copenhagen the night b...
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Good stuff from Terri Cole…

New Year’s allows us to clean the slate. To help gain clarity on what needs to go and what needs to come with you to make 2012 AMAZING, I want to share with you a New Year exercise I used to give my clients.

Create THREE separate lists:

1. CRAP YOU ARE LEAVING IN 2011
Write down experiences, feelings, people, circumstances… anything that you do not want to drag with you into 2012. Share this list with a trusted friend who will witness without judgment. Then, burn the list so the energy attached to it can be released back into The Uni-verse and out of your experience.

2. GEMS YOU ARE KEEPING FROM 2011
Write down what you learned from your experiences, good and bad, but especially from the ones on list #1. Once you honor what you learned, you won’t need to repeat the crappy situation. Even the worst situation has a gem. You just have to be willing to look through the crap to find it. Hold onto this list.

3. WHAT YOU ARE CREATING IN 2012
Write what you want to create for yourself: how you want your life to look and feel. This list should be written in the present tense and include all areas of your life: love, health, family, wealth, friends, career, fitness, spirituality, etc. Marinate, meditate and think on what you have written. Put this list where you can see it on a daily basis. When you look at this list, feel the feelings of having these things. By conjuring the feelings, you become a magnet that will draw the experiences to you.

It is a proven fact that writing down your intentions gives them a much better chance of actually coming into being. Create some time and space to creatively write your lists. Invite some friends to your manifesting party and make it fun!

We are the architects and engineers of our life experience, so commit to creating your best life in 2012!

I’m interested in what your resolutions are, what experiences you need to release, and what gems have you gleaned from various situations. I’m also here to offer any advice and be your biggest supporter in making 2012 spectacular!

Source: Crap You’re Leaving Behind In 2011 (And What To Take Into 2012)

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Expectations of others

Great Expectations (1999 film)

“It is our job to identify our needs, and then determine a balanced way of getting those needs met. We ultimately expect our Higher Power and the Universe—not one particular person—to be our source. It is unreasonable to expect anyone to be able or willing to meet our every request. We are responsible for asking for what we want and need. It’s the other person’s responsibility to freely choose whether or not to respond to our request. If we try to coerce or force another to be there for us, that’s controlling. There’s a difference between asking and demanding. We want love that is freely given. It is unreasonable and unhealthy to expect one person to be the source for meeting all our needs. Ultimately, we will become angry and resentful, maybe even punishing, toward that person for not supporting us as we expected. It is reasonable to have certain and well-defined expectations of our spouse, children, and friends. If a person cannot or will not be there for us, then we need to take responsibility for ourselves in that relationship. We may need to set a boundary, alter our expectations, or change the limits of the relationship to accommodate that person’s unavailability. We do this for ourselves. It is reasonable to sprinkle our wants and needs around and to be realistic about how much we ask or expect of any particular person. We can trust ourselves to know what’s reasonable. The issue of expectations goes back to knowing that we are responsible for identifying our needs, believing they deserve to get met, and discovering an appropriate, satisfactory way to do that in our life. Today, I will strive for reasonable expectations about getting my needs met in relationships.”

Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (pp. 365-366). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.

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Crazy Love

My wife and I are celebrating 23 years of ‘Crazy Love’ today. This version of the song is oddly appropriate because on one level, we have as much in common as Ray Charles and Van Morrison. Still, we make beautiful music together…

Lyrics…

I can hear her heart beat for a thousand miles
And the heavens open every time she smiles
And when I come to her that’s where I belong
Yet I’m running to her like a river’s song

Chorus:
She give me love, love, love, love, crazy love
She give me love, love, love, love, crazy love

She’s got a fine sense of humor when I’m feeling low down
And when I come to her when the sun goes down
Take away my trouble, take away my grief
Take away my heartache, in the night like a thief

Chorus:
Yes I need her in the daytime
Yes I need her in the night
Yes I want to throw my arms around her
Kiss her hug her kiss her hug her tight

And when I’m returning from so far away
She gives me some sweet lovin’ brighten up my day
Yes it makes me righteous, yes it makes me feel whole
Yes it makes me mellow down in to my soul

I thank God for 23 unbelievable years…

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Me??? NUTS??? Not today people, not today!

Mr. Peanut

Adrienne shares a great post over at ‘12 Steps; Think About It’ and it gives me a tool I’m going to hold on to for a long time…

When things get crazy in my house and I feel like shouting, “Stop the world I want to get off!” I have often struggled to find something that makes me stop and think.  Sure, I can say, “Stop!” or I can think “Stop!” but the world still keeps going around. What that does to me is put what is at odds with what I want as the focus in my mind.  That doesn’t work for me.   Most often the stop the world I want to get off feeling  has to do with my children.  You know, they get to that age where it doesn’t matter what all the evidence says, what the book says, what the rest of the world knows is correct, or what the teachers say, in their eyes they are RIGHT.  Or they are at that age where their answer is always “No!”.  With four children under 12 this happens quite frequently in my house.  So I do my best to try to move forward. Usually with a statement such as, “I’m going nuts!”

Yep, you guessed it.  Well now when I say that I will forever start laughing.  NUTS now means…Not Using The Steps.  Best acronym ever!  Because truly when the world gets crazy around me and I start to feel it affect me, that is what I’m doing, or not doing to be more precise.

So think about this for a minute. Think about in our lives all the opportunities we might have to use this acronym. And if you think of more please feel free to share the phrases!

Someone does or says something completely incomprehensible to us..and we think “That’s NUTS!” We find it incomprehensible because we’re “Not Using The Steps.”

Source: Me??? NUTS??? Not today people, not today! « 12 Steps – Think About It!

When you feel yourself getting NUTS, remember that just for today you can do something for 12 hours that would appall you if you felt you had to keep it up for a lifetime. Read more of the ‘just for todays’ here…

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Avoid Arguments with Good Timing

English: Fire Break Rule of thumb, 'avoid tree...
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Mark Merrill shares…

Soon after my wife, Susan, and I were married, we made a discovery.  It seemed like most of our arguments were at night…when we were tired and irritable from a long day.  So, we set a nine o’ clock curfew on serious discussions.  We found that it really helps.  Now, when we get into a heavy talk after nine, we remind each other that it’s late, we’re not going to resolve anything tonight and we can talk about it tomorrow.  And you know what?  The next morning we’re usually refreshed and can talk about things calmly or decide that it wasn’t that important to begin with.

So you can avoid a lot of arguments with your spouse if you wisely choose when you will have serious discussions.  A good rule of thumb is to avoid settings that are already tense—getting the kids to school in the morning, when you’re dealing with plumbing problems or right when your spouse walks in the door after work.  Instead, choose a time when you’re both rested, when you have some peace and quiet, and when the other person is open to having a serious discussion.

And here’s something else to keep in mind—don’t mix business with pleasure.  In other words, you don’t want to bring up heavy topics when you and your spouse are having a fun time or are in friendship mode.  If you’re out together for your first date night in months, or you’re finally having a little cuddle time on the couch, don’t even venture into potential areas of conflict.

Source: Avoid Arguments with Good Timing « Mark’s Blog

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On Honesty

Honesty is the best policy.

Action: You are not your behaviors, You are not your emotions. Your behaviors are what you do; your emotions are what you feel. Each day, pause for a moment. Ask yourself what you’re really feeling. If you’re not sure, listen to the tone of your voice and your thoughts. Those are good clues. Many people find it helpful to write about what they‘re feeling in a journal or diary. Make sure no one has access to your journal, then have at it. Write it all out. Or tell another person what you ‘re feeling, thinking, having a hard time with. Sometimes sharing what we’re going through with one other person takes the pressure off

If you’re in a Twelve Step program, do the Fourth and Fifth Steps. If you’re having a lot of guilt or an unusually hard time with some aspects of yourself you might want either to get professional help or to talk to a clergyperson. Tell your I-higher Power who you really are. Sometimes honest awareness, acknowledgment, and acceptance are all that’s required. There may be parts of yourself that you want to change, but honest acceptance is how change begins.

Source: December 16: On Honest | Language of Letting Go

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Give the gift of connection and relationship

Pile of gorgeous gifts
Image via Wikipedia

I found another great blogger this morning — Lee Horbachewski of SimpLee Serene. Here’s a recent post I liked…

No matter who you are, what you look like, what you do, where you invest your time or how you celebrate the season, you need connection.

  • Accepting people for who they are.
  • Knowing what’s going on around you.
  • Being present right now.
  • Connecting with full attention and pure intention.

It all sounds wonderful doesn’t it?  So what stops our society from doing and being this?

Busy, busy, busy, go, go, go, buy, buy, buy and dare I say it judge, judge, judge…

What if the biggest gift you can give someone you love is you: your time, your love and your acceptance?

I invite you to consider for a moment what it would feel like to experience quality time with a friend.   How would it feel to receive a surprise visit, a phone call, a real life connection?

I invite you to press STOP right now on the busyness of life and what should be done.  Connect with YOU in this moment, now think of the special people in your life…  Do you know how they are feeling?  Do you know what’s going on in their life?  When was the last time you spoke to them?  When was the last time you saw them?

Show someone you love, that they are special.

Show someone you care, and give the gift of connection and relationship.

And as always this begins with connecting with YOU.

Source: Give the gift of connection and relationship by Lee | SimpLee Serene

If you like this, there’s more at the Source. Add her blog to Google Reader like I did and keep your holidays happy…

Open-mouthed smile

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What is ‘healthy giving’?

Christmas gifts.

“It is giving that holds the giver and the receiver in high esteem. It is giving based on a desire to do it rather than from a sense of guilt, pity, shame, or obligation. It is giving with no strings attached. Or it is giving based on a clean, direct contract. Whether it is giving of our time, efforts, energy, comfort, nurturing, money, or ourselves, it is giving that we can afford. Giving is part of the chain of giving and receiving. We can learn to give in healthy ways; we can learn to give in love. We need to keep an eye on our giving, to make sure it has not crossed the line into caretaking. But we need to learn to give in ways that work for us and others.”

Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (p. 360). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.

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Why The Story You Tell About Your Life Is Vital!

In reality we are all storytellers and the story we tell about our lives is what we believe, and then we act on what we believe and those actions create a result that continues to reinforce and backup our story! Crazy cycle right?

Tony [Robbins] asked a funny and also profound question yesterday. We were talking about the movie “Titanic” as a reference. He was joking around and said “If you saw “Titanic” 3 times a day for 10 years, every day, how would you feel?” Obviously, with a sad ending like that, most of us would probably not be jumping up and down for joy. We’d probably be sad, perhaps a little hopeless and feel like we’ve missed out on life and or love.

Tony asked, “Do you wanna go see a shitty movie 10,000 times?” and obviously the answer is no. But – wait a minute – what about the movie, or the “story” that you tell yourself about what your life is like? What is that story like? Is it empowering? Is it awesome? Is it inspiring? Or is it shitty and sad? And how many times a day do we tell ourselves these stories?

ALL THE TIME! So, we are watching and reacting to the story we are telling ourselves about our lives and then producing that result. What story are you telling yourself about your life?

Source: Why The Story You Tell About Your Life Is Vital!

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Facing Our Dark Side

steps 5851
Image by dawneday via Flickr

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
— Step Four of Al-Anon

By the time we get to the Fourth of the Twelve Steps, we are ready to face our darker side, the side that prevents us from loving ourselves and others, from letting others love us, and from enjoying life. The purpose of Step Four is not to make ourselves feel worse; our purpose is to begin to remove our blocks to joy and love.

We look for fears, anger, hurt, and shame from past events buried feelings that may be affecting our life today. We search for subconscious beliefs about ourselves and others that may be interfering with the quality of our relationships.

These beliefs say: I’m not lovable. … I’m a burden to those around me…. People can’t be trusted…. I can’ t be trusted…. I don’t deserve to be happy and successful…. Life isn’t worth living.

We look at our behaviors and patterns with an eye toward discerning the self-defeating ones. With love and compassion for ourselves, we try to unearth all our guilt – earned and unearned and expose it to the light.

We perform this examination without fear of what we shall find, because this soul searching can cleanse us and help us feel better about ourselves than we ever dreamt possible.

God, help me search out the blocks and barriers within myself Bring what I need to know into my conscious mind, so I can be free of it. Show me what I need to know about myself.

Source: December 12: Facing Our dark Side | Language of Letting Go

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The single best thing for our health

Well worth the 9 1/2 minutes to watch…

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Here’s Why There Are No Victims – Only Volunteers!

We get to choose to be a victim. We place that identity on ourselves and before we know it, we are volunteers to our own victimhood. It’s so easy to feel victimized by the world – and some people will even justify your choice to feel like a victim. But ask yourself, does choosing to be a victim EMPOWER you? Does it bring more kinds of healthy and awesome Love into your life? Does it move your life forward? Does it serve your highest potential or does it keep you stuck in the emotions or guilt, anger, shame and the like?

It’s possible for us to be hurt – and no matter how deep that pain, it is possible for us to learn from it and give it an empowering meaning – and when we do that every day, we turn shit into fertilizer. And then we can really begin planting the seeds of our dreams.

So – what’ll it be today my friend? Victim or co-creator? It’s up to you!

Source: Here’s Why There Are No Victims – Only Volunteers!

Mastin’s post is a long one today. Go to the source if you’d like to read more about victimhood…

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God’s will

AA Big Book
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Each day, ask God what God wants us to do today; then ask God to help. A simple request, but so profound and far-reaching it can take us anywhere we need to go. Listen: all that we want, all that we need, all the answers, all the help, all the good, all the love, all the healing, all the wisdom, all the fulfillment of desire is embodied in this simple request. We need say no more than Thank You. This Plan that has been made for us is not one of deprivation. It is one of fullness, joy, and abundance. Walk into it. See for yourself. Today, I will ask God to show me what God wants me to do for this day, and then ask for help to do that. I will trust that is sufficient to take me into light and joy.

Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (p. 359). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.

You might also find this helpful…

“The following summarizes the description of the 11th Step provided in Alcoholics Anonymous (primarily on pp. 86-88). This is supplemented by some suggestions [in brackets] that we have found helpful.

Preparing for the Day Ahead

  • We ask God to direct our thinking, asking especially that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.
  • We consider our plans for the day. We can now use our mental faculties with assurance.
  • If we face indecision or we can’t determine what course to take, we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy.
  • We pray to be shown all through the day what our next step is to be, that we be given whatever we need to take care of problems.
  • We ask especially for freedom from self-will. [We might also pray for help with specific defects or problem areas, and review our 10th step corrective measures for the day ahead.]

Prayers to be of Use

  • We ask for guidance in the way of patience, kindness, tolerance and love especially within the family.
  • We pray as to what we can do today for the person who is still sick. [We might also pray for specific people in need, or those with whom we’re angry.]

Spiritual/Religious Exercises

  • If appropriate, we attend to our religious devotions, or say set prayers which emphasize 12 Step principles.
  • We may read from a spiritual book.

Practicing the 11th Step Throughout the Day

  • We pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action.
  • We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day “Thy will be done.””

Source: 11th Step Guidelines

For the record, the first excerpt can be found in Melody Beattie‘s book “The Language of Letting Go”. I recommend getting the Kindle edition — it’s cheaper and you can view it on your computer, smartphone or Kindle. The second reading comes from Recovery.net which features a website and an android app…

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Negotiating Conflicts

Negotiation

“Recovery is about more than walking away. Sometimes it means Learning to stay and deal. It’s about building and maintaining relationships that work.” Beyond Codependency

Problems and conflicts are part of life and relationships with friends, family, loved ones, and at work. Problem solving and conflict negotiation are skifis we can acquire and improve with time.

Not being willing to tackle and solve problems in relationships leads to unresolved feelings of anger and victimization, terminated relationships, unresolved problems, and power plays that intensify the problem and waste time and energy.

Not being willing to face and solve problems means we may run into that problem again. Some problems with people cannot be worked out in mutually satisfactory ways. Sometimes the problem is a boundary issue we have, and there is not room to negotiate.

In that case, we need to clearly understand what we want and need and what our bottom line is. Some problems with people, though, can be worked out, worked through, and satisfactorily negotiated. Often, there are workable options for solving problems that we will not even see until we become open to the concept of working through problems in relationships, rather than running from the problems.

To negotiate problems, we must be willing to identify the problem, let go of blame and shame, and focus on possible creative solutions. To successfully negotiate and solve problems in relationships, we must have a sense of our bottom line and our boundary issues, so we don’t waste time trying to negotiate nonnegotiable issues.

We need to learn to identify what both people really want and need and the different possibilities for working that out. We can learn to be flexible without being too flexible. Committed, intimate relationships mean two people are learning to work together through their problems and conflicts in ways that work in both people’s best interest.

Today, I will be open to negotiating conflicts I have with people. I will strive for balance without being too submissive or too demanding. I will strive for appropriate flexibility in my problem-solving efforts.

December 11: Negotiating Conflicts | Language of Letting Go

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How To Live The Life You REALLY Want!

I started out to only curate a small part of Mastin’s post this morning but just couldn’t stop. Here’s the whole post in it’s entirety more or less…

Are there any habits that you have that are costing you the things in your life that you truly love? For example, do you love your family but overworking causes you to miss out on them? Do you want to fall in love, but your desire to not get hurt again holds you back? Are you pursuing a professional career because you want to get significance from one of your parents, even though what you are doing doesn’t make you come alive? Are you so focused on the future of where your relationship is going that you aren’t enjoying it in the present? Are you so focused on the potential of someone you are in a toxic relationship with that you ignore the fact that you are unhappy with it, but you cling to the idea that they could change?

What is your current set of beliefs costing you? Are there any behaviors you have that are preventing you from getting what you really want?

For example – did you start a business because you wanted more free time, yet that will never happen? Or because you think it will make you rich, and that will allow you to spend more time with the family, but you have no time for them? Do you work your butt off so you don’t have to stress about money, but no matter what happens, you stress about money? Are you in a toxic relationship because you want Love, but aren’t really getting any?

So many times we do things that are not really in our nature because there is an outcome we want that we could get with much more ease if we were to just accept our nature. There are lots of ways to get what you really want, but first you have to know who you really are! Some people have no idea who they are; others own themselves like crazy!

So, how do you find out who you really are? Well it would be a lot easier if I was working with you one on one, we could get to the core of it rather quickly. But here’s the rub… Remember back over your life to all the moments where you were really alive! What were they? What moments in your life were you totally happy, fulfilled, etc.?

Think back and look at the things in common that you had in each of these moments. These are the things you REALLY want in life. Freedom. Passion. Love. Connection. Growth. Contribution. Joy. Variety.

So, in your current life, what are you doing to GET these things that is actually the OPPOSITE of them? Are you settling to get love? Are you doing things that confine you to get freedom?

What if it were true that you could get everything you wanted now, just by changing your story about what’s possible? What if you could have all the Love you wanted right now if you gave up trying to prove your way into getting Love and just accepted that you were love-able now? How would that change your life? Are you in the rat race because you think winning it will give you something? IF so, remember that even if you win the rat race you are still a rat! :o )

So, how can you see that it’s possible to already get what you want, right now? Are you trying to get what matters most to you in a backwards way? Can you really get what you want now by changing your story about what you really deserve and what you have to do to get the thing you want most? Have you forgotten who you really are and lived a life to live up to someone else’s expectations?

How To Live The Life You REALLY Want!

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