In recovery, we are learning how to strive for love in our relationships, not superiority. Yes, we may need to make decisions about people’s behavior from time to time. If someone is hurting us, we need to stand up for ourselves. We have a responsibility to set boundaries and take care of ourselves. But we do not need to justify taking care of ourselves by condemning someone else. We can avoid the trap of focusing on others instead of ourselves. In recovery, we are learning that what we do needs to be right only for us. What others do is their business and needs to be right only for them. It’s tempting to rest in the superiority of being right and in analyzing other people’s motives and actions, but it’s more rewarding to look deeper. Today, I will remember that I don’t have to hide behind being right. I don’t have to justify what I want and need with saying something is “right” or “wrong.” I can let myself be who I am.
Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (p. 47). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.
Leo Babauta has a great post that got me thinking this morning…
As someone who went from the corporate world and then the government world to the ever-changing online world, I know how the world of yesterday is rapidly becoming irrelevant. I was trained in the newspaper industry, where we all believed we would be relevant forever — and I now believe will go the way of the horse and buggy.
Unfortunately, I was educated in a school system that believed the world in which it existed would remain essentially the same, with minor changes in fashion. We were trained with a skill set that was based on what jobs were most in demand in the 1980s, not what might happen in the 2000s.
And that kinda makes sense, given that no one could really know what life would be like 20 years from now. Imagine the 1980s, when personal computers were still fairly young, when faxes were the cutting-edge communication technology, when the Internet as we now know it was only the dream of sci-fi writers like William Gibson.
We had no idea what the world had in store for us.
And here’s the thing: we still don’t. We never do. We have never been good at predicting the future, and so raising and educating our kids as if we have any idea what the future will hold is not the smartest notion.
When I was younger, I was a German major. I got to the doctoral level at the University of Illinois before I bailed on my degree work. Why? In part I was finding it was irrelevant. After 10 years of studying German, I had read German literature from every period – I had even read every word of Das Nibelungenlied in ‘Mittelhochdeutsch’ – middle high German – an academic language that never actually existed. I could quote Goethe, Schiller, Heine – I knew more about German literature than most Germans. I could not, however, speak ‘street’ German – ‘umgangsprache’ – with an everyday German. My training, in many ways was worthless…
My wife and I used to home school. Now our boys are in a public school. Each night we see them come home with no homework. No challenges. No critical thinking. We wonder what kind of preparation they are receiving. Leo’s post is a wake up call for me. Go to the source and read it all!
For children, Valentine’s Day means candy hearts, silly cards, and excitement in the air. How different Valentine’s Day can be for us as adults. The Love Day can be a symbol that we have not yet gotten love to work for us as we would like. Or it can be a symbol of something different, something better. We are in recovery now. We have begun the healing process. Our most painful relationships, we have learned, have assisted us on the journey to healing, even if they did little more than point out our own issues or show us what we don’t want in our life. We have started the journey of learning to love ourselves. We have started the process of opening our heart to love, real love that flows from us, to others, and back again. Do something loving for yourself. Do something loving and fun for your friends, for your children, or for anyone you choose. It is the Love Day. Wherever we are in our healing process, we can have as much fun with it as we choose. Whatever our circumstances, we can be grateful that our heart is opening to love. I will open myself to the love available to me from people, the Universe, and my Higher Power today. I will allow myself to give and receive the love I want today. I am grateful that my heart is healing, that I am learning to love.
One of my favorite Christian writers, Jon Swanson, reposted some very pithy content a few days ago…
I’d like to return this Valentine’s Day card.”
I can help you with that. … Um, you know that this has writing on it, right?
“Yep. I wrote that.”
You can’t return cards that have been used.
“Two weeks ago, I was in here. I bought a sweater. The first time I wore it, the sleeve started to unravel. You took that back.”
Yep. The sweater was defective. How’s the new one?
“Great. Thanks. Now, about that card?”
But you can’t return cards that have been used.
“The other month, I was in here. I had a toaster. It didn’t heat up. You took that back.”
Yep. The toaster was defective. Were you able to find another one?
“I went to another store and they were able to give me what I wanted. Now, about that card.”
But you can’t return cards that have been used.
“I wore the sweater. You took it back. I used the toaster. You took it back. Why are you making a scene about the card?”
It’s different. You can’t return cards that have been used.
“But it didn’t work. I wrote in it. I gave it to my wife. And it didn’t work. So I would like a refund.”
What do you mean, exactly, that it didn’t work?
“Isn’t that a little personal? I mean, you have pictures of men handing women cards and the women smiling. And pictures of men handing women chocolate and the women smiling. And I won’t even start to tell you what happened when other stores showed pictures of men handing women diamond bracelets. But it didn’t work.”
You mean your wife didn’t smile when you handed her the card?
“It was more of a snort.”
When was this?
“On the 16th. I got it when they were marked down.”
We need to make a distinction between powerlessness and owning our power. The first step in recovery is accepting powerlessness. There are some things we can’t do, no matter how long or hard we try. These things include changing other people, solving their problems, and controlling their behavior. Sometimes, we feel powerless over ourselves—what we feel or believe, or the effects of a particular situation or person on us. It’s important to surrender to powerlessness, but it’s equally important to own our power. We aren’t trapped. We aren’t helpless. Sometimes it may feel like we are, but we aren’t. We each have the God-given power, and the right, to take care of ourselves in any circumstance, and with any person. The middle ground of self-care lies between the two extremes of controlling others and allowing them to control us. We can walk that ground gently or assertively, but in confidence that it is our right and responsibility. Let the power come to walk that path. Today, I will remember that I can take care of myself. I have choices, and I can exercise the options I choose without guilt.
Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (p. 37). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.
I stumbled upon this great post from Mastin Kipp. I hope he doesn’t mind, but I’m going to share it in its entirety…
Community is everything. If you want to see a preview of your future, look to who you are hanging out with. This isn’t some moral statement about your peer group, it’s more of a vibrational or elevational statement.
You see, we live in a literal Uni-verse. That means that we become what we think and what we think is greatly determined by who we spend the most amount of time with.
Do you spend time with people who are constantly trashing your dreams? If so, then after time, you begin to believe their doubt and their fear; not because their doubt and fear are true, but because we are creatures of habit and our subconscious mind begins to absorb what we hear, especially the feedback from people we love and spend a lot of time with. And if you start to believe their doubt, then soon you will begin to take action from that belief in doubt and BAM – the manifestation of the belief of doubt becomes real. Not because it’s true, but because the belief of doubt became your dominate thought pattern and that thought pattern influenced your actions and your actions produced the outcome.
The outcome of our lives begins within us. If we water our dreams with doubt, then we think doubtful thoughts; take doubtful action and our lives become a living testament and proof of our belief. Then, what many people do is take this “proof” and use it to further justify their initial belief. But you see, what they’re missing this whole time is the fact that their initial thoughts of doubt is what created the outcome of doubt. They unknowingly participate in their own demise.
But, this can be prevented by hanging with the proper community of people. Let us hang with people who uplift us, who encourage us towards our dreams and who challenge our thought patterns. Let us not surround ourselves with people who always agree with us, but rather people who support our growth by challenging our beliefs and helping us break through to new mental and spiritual ground so that our lives may be enriched as a by-product.
Look around. Who are you spending time with? And more importantly, who are you believing? If you have a dream, do you believe people who are living their dreams and thus know the TRUTH about what’s possible, or do you take advice from people who aren’t living their dreams and thus will tell you it’s not possible.
Who you spend time with and who you believe is a major factor that will determine whether you are successful or not. Our aim should be to hang with people who are loving, who believe in us, who challenge us to go to the next level and who inspire us. Life is far too short to hang with people who are always negative and who want you to stay bitter and pissed off like them. It takes a lot of humility to admit when we’re wrong and to grow past our limiting beliefs. Let’s surround ourselves with people who support our growth, not necessarily the way we want, but most certainly the way we need.
The mother eagle teaches her little ones to fly by making their nest so uncomfortable that they are forced to leave it and commit themselves to the unknown world of air outside. And just so does our God to us.
— Hannah Whitall Smith
Sometimes, the pressure comes from within us. Sometimes, it’s external. That job folds. The relationship stops working. Alcohol and drugs stop working. What am I going to do?
“It doesn’t take as much faith to believe that everything happens for a reason as it does to embrace the belief that I am who and where I am now, today, for a reason—even if I don’t know what that reason is and even if I don’t particularly like who or where I am today,” a friend said to me. “When I can take that in, my dissatisfaction and negativity disappear, and I can proceed calmly and gratefully with my life. To me,” he said, “that’s what spirituality is all about.”
Faith and hope aren’t just for the future. Try using them on today.
Could it be that you’re who you are and where you are now for a reason? Thank God for your life, exactly as it is, right now.
We can learn not to get hooked into unhealthy, self-defeating behaviors in relationships—behaviors such as caretaking, controlling, discounting ourselves, and believing lies. We can learn to watch for and identify hooks, and choose not to allow ourselves to be hooked. Often, people do things consciously or without thinking that pull us into a series of our self-defeating behaviors we call codependency. More often than not, these hooks can be almost deliberate, and the results predictable. Someone may stand before us and hint or sigh about a problem, knowing or hoping that hint or sigh will hook us into taking care of him or her. That is manipulation. When people stand around us and hint and sigh about something, then coyly say, “Oh, never mind, that’s not for you to worry about,” that’s a game. We need to recognize it. We’re about to get sucked in, if we allow that to happen. We can learn to insist that people ask us directly for what they want and need. What are the words, the signs, the looks, the hints, the cues that hook us into a predictable, and often self-defeating behavior? What makes you feel sympathy? Guilt? Responsible for another? Our strong point is that we care so much. Our weak point is that we often underestimate the people with whom we’re dealing. They know what they’re doing. It is time we give up our naive assumption that people don’t follow agendas of their own in their best interest, and not necessarily in ours. We also want to check ourselves out. Do we give out hooks, looks, hints, hoping to hook another? We need to insist that we behave in a direct and honest manner with others, instead of expecting them to rescue us. If someone wants something from us, insist that the person ask us directly for it. Require the same from ourselves. If someone baits the hook, we don’t have to bite it. Today, I will be aware of the hooks that snag me into the caretaking acts that leave me feeling victimized. I will ignore the hints, looks, and words that hook me, and wait for the directness and honesty I, and others, deserve.
Men are not angered by mere misfortune but by misfortune conceived as injury. And the sense of injury depends on the feeling that a legitimate claim has been denied.
— C. S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters
Oh, the grousing about we do, especially when we feel denied of one thing or another—some reward, or achievement, or position that we felt belonged to us.
How enraged we may become when a wish, a hope, a dream, or a want is blatantly denied.
How easy it is to be jealous of the success or happiness of another, even convincing ourselves that the person has laid claim to something that rightfully belonged, instead, to us.
The lesson here is simple.
Remember to be grateful. God doesn’t owe us anything. All of it is a gift.
It’s easy to be thankful for answered prayers, easy to be joyfully grateful when the universe gives us exactly what we want. What’s not so easy is to remember to be grateful when we don’t get what we want.
John wanted an executive position in the company he worked for. He worked hard for the promotion. He prayed daily for his promotion, while giving a hundred percent of his energy and dedication to the position that he was in. But when the time came, he was passed over for his dream job. He left the company shortly after that. Today, he runs his own company with more responsibility, success, and joy than he could have ever hoped for at his old firm.
Susan, a recovering addict, wanted to date Sam more than anything. They got along great those times they ran into each other at work. He was charming, handsome, and sober, she thought. For months she tried to arrange a date with him, prayed that God would bring him into her life. But things never seemed to work out. She didn’t know why. He seemed so interested in her. She was positive that the relationship was divinely ordained. She was stunned when she arrived at work one morning to find that Sam had died the night before of a drug overdose. He had been using drugs and lying about it the whole time.
Sometimes we get what we ask for. Sometimes we don’t. God says, “No.” Be grateful—force gratitude; fake it if you must—when God answers your furtive prayers by saying no.
Take the rejections with a smile. Let God’s “no’s” move you happily down the road. Maybe you’re not being punished, after all. Maybe God is protecting you from yourself.
God, thank you for not always giving me what I think is best.
Something good from Karen Salmansohn that I wanted to share with you…
When someone has hurt you – deeply to your soul – it’s tempting to want to shut down and shut off – to give in and give up – to get bitter, resentful, depressed – and all before breakfast!
This soul-shutting-down tendency reminds me of those classic Zombie horror movies! You know how unconscious, soul-less Zombies walk around – thriving mostly in darkness – miserably taking bites out of happy, soulful people? One chomp – then – suddenly – these newly bitten innocent folks find themselves becoming Zombie-like in their behavior. They feel their souls shut down. They crave spending time in darkness. They want to bite others.
Likewise, if you’ve suffered from an emotional Zombie bite, it’s temping to wanna join the Zombie crowd – and shut off your soul – seek dark thoughts – chomp upon another. It’s especially tempting to want to chomp upon the Zombie chump who chomped upon you!
Basically, when you’ve been bitten by a Zombie, you can find yourself feeling the urge to become Zombie-like yourself. But you must resist! You must stay strong! You must keep your soul alive!
How?
It is easy to be negative about past mistakes and unhappiness. But it is much more healing to look at ourselves and our past in the light of experience, acceptance, and growth. Our past is a series of lessons that advance us to higher levels of living and loving. The relationships we entered, stayed in, or ended taught us necessary lessons. Some of us have emerged from the most painful circumstances with strong insights about who we are and what we want. Our mistakes? Necessary. Our frustrations, failures, and sometimes stumbling attempts at growth and progress? Necessary too. Each step of the way, we learned. We went through exactly the experiences we needed to, to become who we are today. Each step of the way, we progressed. Is our past a mistake? No. The only mistake we can make is mistaking that for the truth. Today, God, help me let go of negative thoughts I may be harboring about my past circumstances or relationships. I can accept, with gratitude, all that has brought me to today.
Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (pp. 21-22). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.
We will always find what we go looking for. And if we want to find excuses that hold us back from transformation, we will find TONS! Yes – TONS! They are everywhere. And many of us have a group of friends who don’t want to change, too – who will back us up with our excuses. Who we hang out with is who we become. The environment we live in molds us more than anything else.
We gotta be super mindful of the people we surround ourselves with and where we choose to exist and be. There are plenty of people in the world who will positively affirm mediocrity! Not because they are bad people, no – but because they do not know any better.
For most people, excuses not to change are commonplace and socially acceptable. But if you are on The Path and ready for transformation, excuses are just another form of resistance that is holding you back! If you want to argue for your limitations, you will justify and further create them!
But that is not who you ARE! That is not where you want to LIVE! Mediocrity is not your emotional home! It’s a cliché, but it’s true that if we seek, we will find. So today, instead of seeking for reasons or excuses NOT to change – start to look for reasons why you should change and get motivated.
I’ve just started trying to come up with a list of the bare minimum of things we should do every day to be happy and healthy.
This list doesn’t include major challenges, like “Quit smoking.” Obviously, quitting smoking is very important for health, but it’s not easy to add to a to-do list. This list doesn’t include items like “Spend less time on the internet” or “Read more” because they aren’t universal enough. This list also doesn’t include items related to attitude: gratitude, cheerfulness, and the like. These are very concrete, very essential things to do as part of the everyday routine.
Here’s what I’ve come up with so far…
Wear your seat belt
Take prescriptions medications properly
Go for a ten-minute walk (preferably outside)
Put your keys and wallet away in the same place
Take something with you (for instance, drop your dirty socks in the hamper on your way from your bedroom to the kitchen)
Charge your phone
Connect with someone close to you
Go to bed in time to get a good night’s sleep
As less crucial, but also highly advisable…
Make your bed
Kiss every member of your family
Sign the organ donor registry or tell your family you’d want to be a donor
What else would you add? I know I’m missing many items.
People give us Love the best way that they know how to. They can’t give it any other way than they do. And if we are trying to get orange juice from apples over and over again, not only are we going to keep getting let down, we are actually insane! Haha.
It’s simple – we were SENT to GIVE the Love we think we missed or that we think we aren’t getting from someone else. We see where the Love is lacking and so it’s up to US to fill that gap!
After I started treating my father this way, it was like an instantaneous shift in our relationship. And I didn’t go to him and tell him all this; I just started giving more Love. And guess what – it was more Love that I got back…
The same is true for you. You were sent to give the Love that you think it missing in your life and in the world. That’s why you’re here.
Not being able to stand up for yourself is not funny...
It is so easy to come to the defense of others. How clear it is when others are being used, controlled, manipulated, or abused. It is so easy to fight their battles, become righteously indignant, rally to their aid, and spur them on to victory. “You have rights,” we tell them. “And those rights are being violated. Stand up for yourself, without guilt.” Why is it so hard, then, for us to rally to our own behalf? Why can’t we see when we are being used, victimized, lied to, manipulated, or otherwise violated? Why is it so difficult for us to stand up for ourselves? There are times in life when we can walk a gentle, loving path. There are times, however, when we need to stand up for ourselves—when walking the gentle, loving path puts us deeper into the hands of those who could mistreat us. Some days, the lesson we’re to be learning and practicing is one of setting boundaries. Some days, the lesson we’re learning is that of fighting for ourselves and our own rights. Sometimes, the lesson won’t stop until we do. Today, I will rally to my own cause. I will remember that it is okay to stand up for myself when that action is appropriate. Help me, God, to let go of my need to be victimized. Help me appropriately, and with confidence, stand up for myself.
Author Scott Peck opens his classic book “The Road Less Travelled” with the following phrase: “Life is difficult.” The line works because it is so true. Life is not easy, yes – but it’s especially not easy if we don’t, or won’t, or can’t move through that truth and then on into the light.
But moving on requires more than simply getting a shovel and burying the past. And men, I think we all can agree, are typically fairly handy when it comes to using that particular shovel. We’d simply rather not talk about it, and that turns out to be the very worst we can do.
A hurtful past may include a failed marriage, Vietnam, bullying in school, abusive parents, poverty, discrimination, disappointment, bankruptcy, the loss of a parent – or a combination of events. Whatever the hurt, a way forward is always possible if we’re willing to take a few simple steps.
All Pro Dad recommends starting with this list, 10 ways to overcome a hurtful past…
I stumbled upon this great post from Mastin Kipp. I hope he doesn’t mind, but I’m going to share it in its entirety…
Something good from Karen Salmansohn that I wanted to share with you…
One of my new favorite blogs is ‘The Happiness Project’ hosted by Gretchen Rubin. Yesterday she shared this…
Bright, shiny objects! 
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