We so often fill our days with unnecessary stress and strife by focusing on the negative instead of the positive, taking part in mean-spirited and hurtful gossip, making mountains out of mole hills, or bickering over issues that in the larger scheme of things are inconsequential.
Here are a few quotes to help you bring things into better perspective because truly … the time that we spend on such pettiness is too precious to waste. Go to the source: 50 Quotes to Help You Live Like You Were Dying | Psychology Today.
Eating life one bite at a time
“Thank God for the ability to break life down into days.
Gratitude Focus: We can start and end each day by being grateful for everything that happened in it and the help we encountered along the way.” via May 14.
A tale of two boys
“Two young boys were raised by an alcoholic father. As they grew older, they moved away from that broken home, each going his own way in the world. Several years later, they happened to be interviewed separately by a psychologist who was analyzing the effects of drunkedness on children in broken homes. His research revealed that the two men were strikingly different from each other. One was a clean-living teetotaler, the other a hopeless drunk like his father. The psychologist asked each of them why he developed the way he did, and each gave an identical answer, ‘What would you expect when you have a father like mine.'” –Earl Nightingale, paraphrasing a story told by Hans Selye via Two boys……………….
Codepedence is not just an issue for partners of addicts
I don’t normally curate this much content in one ‘swell foop’ as I like to say but Melody Beattie’s perspective on owning your own stuff and Mark Brower’s comments on same were so good I couldn’t find anything to exclude. Mark starts out and then quotes my ‘Language of Letting Go’ reading for today…
Many of us struggle with codependency. When addiction is present in a relationship, the old model was that the addict was “dependent” and his or her spouse was “codependent.” But today we know that usually both the addict and spouse struggle with codependency in its various forms.
Codependency happens when we lose touch with our sense of self, and become over-dependent on how other people are doing, and/or how they perceive us. Since we are not “okay” with ourselves, we have to work overtime to ensure that other people around us are doing okay, and/or that they feel good about us.
So we wind up tolerating things we shouldn’t tolerate, feeling responsible for things we shouldn’t feel responsible for, and compromising what we want simply in order to please someone else. This inevitably leads to distress and frustration, which causes the addict to move deeper into their addiction, and for the addict’s spouse to cope in other ways.
The issue of codependence is complicated for Christians, because it gets mixed up with our desire to love and serve other people. The Bible tells us to “consider others better than ourselves.” But the same Bible also tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves, which presupposes some sort of healthy self-regard. The Bible also portrays Jesus himself taking time away from the crowds – not being “nice” and doing what they want him to do – in order to rest and reconnect with God the Father.
The trick to living a recovery life in relationships with others is to know how to separate healthy love with unhealthy codependence.
Melody Beattie has been a great help for me over the years with her many books on this topic. One of her best books on this topic is a daily meditation book called “The Language of Letting Go.”
In another article on this blog, I wrote about codependence, and quoted at length from her book. But it’s so good and helpful that I want to quote some more! What follows are some excerpts about the issue of “Property Lines”:
A helpful tool in our recovery, especially in the behavior we call detachment, is learning to identify who owns what. Then we let each person own and possess his or her rightful property.
If another person has an addiction, a problem, a feeling, or a self-defeating behavior, that is their property, not ours. If someone is a martyr, immersed in negativity, controlling, or manipulative, that is their issue, not ours.
If someone has acted and experienced a particular consequence, both the behavior and the consequence belong to that person.
People’s lies, deceptions, tricks, manipulations, abusive behaviors, inappropriate behaviors, cheating behaviors, and tacky behaviors belong to them, too. Not us.
People’s hopes and dreams are their property. Their guilt belongs to them too. Their happiness or misery is also theirs. So are their beliefs and messages.
If some people don’t like themselves, that is their choice. Their choices are their property, not ours. What people choose to say and do is their business.
What is our property? Our property includes our behaviors, problems, feelings, happiness, misery, choices, and messages; our ability to love, care, and nurture; our thoughts, our denial, our hopes and dreams for ourselves. Whether we allow ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, deceived, or mistreated is our business.
In recovery, we learn an appropriate sense of ownership. If something isn’t ours, we don’t take it. If we take it, we learn to give it back. Let other people have their property, and learn to own and take good care of what’s ours.
Today, I will work at developing a clear sense of what belongs to me, and what doesn’t. If it’s not mine, I won’t keep it. I will deal with myself, my issues, and my responsibilities.
If you want to learn more about codependence, consider signing up for the Recovery Journey, an e-course for people in recovery from sexual struggles. If you are the partner of someone who struggles, note that we have a special module with materials just for the partners. You can learn more about this program at the website: http://recoveryjourney.com
Source: Codepedence is not just an issue for partners of addicts | sexualsanity.com
Codependence is a constant battle for me and it has made made my wife’s vacation in Italy even more difficult than the simple logistics of trying to run a business and hold down the fort with 4 boys while she’s gone but by the grace of God, with the help of Celebrate Recovery, my good friends Sandy and Steve and Melody Beattie’s good thoughts. we are winning on this trip! If these issues resonate with you, drop me a note below. I’ll be happy to share with you what I have…
Related articles
- Fear & Codependency (toddlohenry.com)
- …on Control (toddlohenry.com)
- …on feeling good (toddlohenry.com)
- The Reality of Recovery, Part 2 (carolynswords.wordpress.com)
- When to stop enabling and start disabling (spreadinformation.wordpress.com)
Women’s Top 4 Wishes and Why Men Should Grant Them
“Since venturing into the world of Men’s Top 4 Wishes and Why You Should Grant Them, I have been talking to women about their relationship wishes. And it seems we are in a pie in the sky world. But who says that women shouldn’t be reaching for the stars?
In my own research through the years, I have found that women are a faithful group, as confirmed by talks with W. Bradford Wilcox, Ph.D., a sociologist and director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia. He says that just 14 percent of ever-married women reported an extramarital affair over their lifetime as compared to 22 percent of men.” Go to the source to get the wishes: Women’s Top 4 Wishes and Why Men Should Grant Them | Psychology Today.
One day at a time…
“It’s easy to look at all the tasks and unsolved problems and feel so pressured that we get paralyzed and don’t get anything done. It takes discipline to gather in our scattered forces and focus on one thing, one day, one step, and sometimes one hour—even when taking only that one step can seem so trivial in the face of all that looms.
Would you rather try to do everything at once and get nothing done, or take one small step and do that well? Remember, one plus one equals two.
Inventory Focus: Are you creating unnecessary fear and drama by taking on more than you can handle? Are you willing to trade in the I’m-out-of-control-and-overwhelmed feeling for a sense of manageability? Do you have any history with deliberately living life one day or one step at a time? How did that work? Plans, goals, and dreams are good, but the only way to get there is one day at a time.” via May 12.
ASK For What You Want!
“Some people fold after making one timid request. They quit too soon. Keep asking until you find the answers. There are usually four or five “no’s” before you get a “yes.”” Jack Canfield via Today’s Quotes: ASK For What You Want!.
On the Majority
“Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.” via Mark Twain.
Mmmm…
Nicholas Bate is on to something here. As I say “It’s not the tool — it’s the thought and the tactics behind the tool that make it effective”…
Perfection?
Another great perspective from Melody Beattie…
Easy does it…
“I watched a friend set up beach chairs and an umbrella. He was grunting, groaning, trying with all his might to accomplish a simple task. After he finished, he looked around and clapped the sand off his hands.
“I’m pretty dumb,” he said. “It didn’t have to be that hard or that much work.”
Yes, life really can be easier. Relaxing and letting it unfold can seem too simple and easy at times. What if we really knew that it was okay to gently go about our lives, living and working and handling things at a relaxed pace? What if we knew it was okay to gently take care of ourselves, and that a force would be present to guide us and help us accomplish each task, each problem, in fact, all the parts of our lives?
Life experience truly has taught me that when I relax, I am so much more capable of experiencing great happiness as well as simple joys. Things get done, problems get solved, and my needs get met.
Gratitude Focus: We can be grateful for all the situations that teach and remind us that “easy does it” works.” via May 11.
“Happily Ever After” is Overrated
What about the happy now?
Forget dying and going to some blissful heaven.
Forget retiring and finally enjoying your life.
Forget about when you are enlightened and how good it will supposedly feel.
This moment is special. This is it.
Yet we often wait for some special occasion or reason to celebrate.
We often spend our lives striving to get to some destination that we think will make us happy.
Even when you get there is it all that it was promised to be?
What are you waiting for to be different in your life?
via “Happily Ever After” is Overrated « Positively Positive.
…on One Day at a Time
“Arc you always this happy?” I asked my favorite clerk at the grocery store.
“I am today,” he said.
Doing anything forever – even being happy – can seem like too much. The good news is that we don’t have to do anything forever. Just today.
Challenge: The hardest part about taking life one day at a time is remembering that the present moment is all we have.” via May 10.
…on One Day at a Time
“One day at a time” isn’t a value I acquired because I wanted to. I had to. Now I apply it because I want to.
Application: Sailing through life? Falling in love? Plenty of money? Or maybe things aren’t going that well. Lonely? Dealing with relationship issues? Not sure how the relationship will work out?Your boss is driving you nuts, but you don’t want to quit? Concerned about your child? Whatever circumstances we find ourselves in, taking each day as it comes is a good idea.” via May 9.
Dont Wait 7
Good thoughts from Nicholas Bate on procrastination…
- For creativity. Start producing. Produce wildly. Write, paint, draw, construct, think, innovate, team, brainstorm, project. Something worthwhile, something creative will be produced.
- For the right time. Start now. Now is the perfect time. Things can only, things will only, get tougher. Start.
- For love. Start looking. Love is always out there. In the most surprising places.
- For a lucky break. Work hard, very hard. Then luck will come a-tumbling your way.
- For motivation. Haha. Start and then you will get motivated.
- For his/her call. They are either keen or they are not. Give them another chance, then move on.
- For productivity. Decide what needs to be done: now. Start.”
via Dont Wait 7.
…on Taking One Day at a Time
More Melody Beattie…
“My best friend was going through some tough situations in her life. I was in the midst of a hard stretch too. We didn’t particularly like the things we had to do in our lives. We talked about our feelings and decided that what we were going through was necessary and important, even though we didn’t like it.We expressed gratitude for our lives.
“It’s still a dreadful time,” I said.
“Brutal,” she said. “I guess we’re back to the old one day-at-a-time approach. We’re so lucky. What do people do that haven’t learned that gem?”
There are times when we can look at the stretch ahead and like what we see. Taking life one day at a time is still a good idea, even when things are going well.
Taking life one day at a time can be particularly useful when the road ahead looks dreadful. We may not even know where to start with some challenges. That’s when taking life one day at a time is essential.
“I’ve been using alcohol and other drugs every day since I’ve been twelve years old,” I said to my counselor years ago in treatment. “Now you’re telling me I need to stay sober the rest of my life. Plus get a job. And a life. How am I going to do that?”
“One day at a time,” she said. She was right. Sometimes I had to take life one minute at a time or one hour at a time. And all these years later, it still works.
Value: Taking life one day at a time is the gem we’ll focus on this week.” via May 8.
It’s a beautiful day to be alive
“Today is a beautiful day to be alive, to be the person you are. A beautiful day, simply, to be. Don’t waste energy trying to possess or control. Don’t let yourself be burdened by things that have happened in the past. Don’t worry about being “right,” or about impressing anyone. Focus instead on creating things that have never before existed. On adding value to the lives of others. On finding ways to express the unique person that you are. Feel good by simply deciding to, rather than by abusing yourself or others. Look at everything that happens as an opportunity for growth.
Accept and be thankful for the abundance that is yours. Dust off your dreams and find a way to follow them. Life is precious and beautiful. Every breath you take is an opportunity to live life to the fullest.” ~ Ralph S. Marston, Jr. via RecoveryApp: Recovery Readings May 8. Photo Bill Pevlor…
Fear & Codependency
“Fear is at the core of codependency. It can motivate us to control situations or neglect ourselves. Many of us have been afraid for so long that we don’t label our feelings fear. We’re used to feeling upset and anxious. It feels normal. Peace and serenity may be uncomfortable. At one time, fear may have been appropriate and useful. We may have relied on fear to protect ourselves, much the way soldiers in a war rely on fear to help them survive. But now, in recovery, we’re living life differently. It’s time to thank our old fears for helping us survive, then wave good-bye to them. Welcome peace, trust, acceptance, and safety. We don’t need that much fear anymore. We can listen to our healthy fears, and let go of the rest. We can create a feeling of safety for ourselves, now. We are safe, now. We’ve made a commitment to take care of ourselves. We can trust and love ourselves.
God, help me let go of my need to be afraid. Replace it with a need to be at peace. Help me listen to my healthy fears and relinquish the rest.” Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (p. 127). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.
Wilde Advice on Self-Esteem
“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” ~ Oscar Wilde via Quote: Wilde Advice on Self-Esteem | Greatist.com.
Who You Spend Time With Is Who You Become
This post from Mastin Kipp is so compelling I curated it in its entirety…
Community is everything. If you want to see a preview of your future, look to who you are hanging out with. This isn’t some moral statement about your peer group, it’s more of a vibrational or elevational statement.
You see, we live in a literal Uni-verse. That means that we become what we think and what we think is greatly determined by who we spend the most amount of time with.
Do you spend time with people who are constantly trashing your dreams? If so, then after time, you begin to believe their doubt and their fear; not because their doubt and fear are true, but because we are creatures of habit and our subconscious mind begins to absorb what we hear, especially the feedback from people we love and spend a lot of time with. And if you start to believe their doubt, then soon you will begin to take action from that belief in doubt and BAM – the manifestation of the belief of doubt becomes real. Not because it’s true, but because the belief of doubt became your dominate thought pattern and that thought pattern influenced your actions and your actions produced the outcome.
The outcome of our lives begins within us. If we water our dreams with doubt, then we think doubtful thoughts; take doubtful action and our lives become a living testament and proof of our belief. Then, what many people do is take this “proof” and use it to further justify their initial belief. But you see, what they’re missing this whole time is the fact that their initial thoughts of doubt is what created the outcome of doubt. They unknowingly participate in their own demise.
But, this can be prevented by hanging with the proper community of people. Let us hang with people who uplift us, who encourage us towards our dreams and who challenge our thought patterns. Let us not surround ourselves with people who always agree with us, but rather people who support our growth by challenging our beliefs and helping us break through to new mental and spiritual ground so that our lives may be enriched as a by-product.
Look around. Who are you spending time with? And more importantly, who are you believing? If you have a dream, do you believe people who are living their dreams and thus know the TRUTH about what’s possible, or do you take advice from people who aren’t living their dreams and thus will tell you it’s not possible.
Who you spend time with and who you believe is a major factor that will determine whether you are successful or not. Our aim should be to hang with people who are loving, who believe in us, who challenge us to go to the next level and who inspire us. Life is far too short to hang with people who are always negative and who want you to stay bitter and pissed off like them. It takes a lot of humility to admit when we’re wrong and to grow past our limiting beliefs. Let’s surround ourselves with people who support our growth, not necessarily the way we want, but most certainly the way we need.
Now, aren’t you glad you found this? I am!
:-D
Bright, shiny objects! 
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