“Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action.” Benjamin Disraeli
I used to get paralyzed with fear in the face of any load of work.
Suffering from crippling depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, and severely low self-esteem, I’d find so many thoughts battling me, making it hard to take action:
What’s the point of starting if you know you won’t finish?
You’re just going to waste your time putting in all that effort when you get rejected at the end.
Think about how much time that’s going to take! What if it’s all for naught? How stupid will you feel?!
I know many people who don’t suffer from depression and, yet, still struggle with those same thoughts. It drives them to procrastination and anxiety, and may even keep them from achieving any of their dreams!
I have changed a lot since those voices ruled my headspace, and have since learned this:
The key to a happy life is taking responsibility to make it. Get more here: Happy Is As Happy Does: Make Your Own Joy in Life | Tiny Buddha: Wisdom Quotes, Letting Go, Letting Happiness In.
Music and emotion through time
Michael Tilson Thomas: Music and emotion through time | Video on TED.com.
This TED talk from Michael Tilson Thomas made me think again about something I think about all the time and that is how the availability of any music on demand makes this a great time to live. Sure, clean air and clean water and an abundant supply of food is great, but music? MUSIC? I can listen to anything I want on my Google Nexus S via Spotify anywhere at any time and that never ceases to amaze me and I am grateful for the wide variety of music that is available to me…
In May of 2005, I was blessed to attend a high mass in the Cologne Cathedral in Cologne, Germany. The sun streaming through the stained glass, the incense, and the music, ah, the music — an all Mozart mass — I tried hard to imagine what an incredible experience that would have been in the 19th century when music was in short supply but with 5,000 songs on my iPod, it was hard to do!
I have very eclectic tastes in music; thanks to services like Pandora, I continue to get exposed to a wide variety of music. Just last night I found ‘Relaxation Radio’ and ‘Calm Meditation Radio’ channels on Pandora — great background music for massage. :-D
Before I sign off to go pick weeds in the garden, here’s another TED talk from one of my favorite musicians, David Byrne…
Related articles
- Using Music To Evoke Positive Emotions (personspiritresearch.wordpress.com)
- TED Blog | A brief history of classical music: Michael Tilson Thomas … (jaynewberg.wordpress.com)
- A brief history of classical music: Michael Tilson Thomas at TED2012 (ted.com)
Choreplay
Let me introduce you to a 5.0 horsepower ‘marital aid’. My wife’s love language is ‘acts of service‘. It doesn’t matter how many times tell her I love her, bring her flowers or tell her she’s beautiful — although she does love Pecan Turtles from Vande Walle’s — unless I show it by acts of service it’s just blah, blah, blah. One of her passions is gardening and healthy food. I made a big deposit in her emotional bank account by rototilling the garden for her yesterday. Under normal circumstances, it’s not how I’d choose to spend my Saturday morning, but…
Consider this article I found after my initial posting. It indicates that I’ve been on to something for years:
Ever seen a book called Porn for Women? The cover sports a smiling man performing an act that undoubtedly makes many women sigh with pleasure: He’s vacuuming the living room. Inside the pages, another man does laundry, promising to go grocery shopping with the kids “so you can relax.”
It’s definitely a clever gimmick. But the book hits on what women — and the experts — have known for years: If you want to get lucky, you need to get your hands on a bottle of Windex. The best foreplay may, in fact, be a clean kitchen. And all this week at Good in Bed, we’re talking about foreplay techniques that really work.
The concept of “choreplay”— that women are more likely to want to have sex when their male partner helps out around the house — is a hot topic in research circles. One recent study from the University of Western Ontario found that wives are happier when their husbands pitch in with housework. Another report from researchers at the University of Illinois at Chicago even suggests men who help clean, take care of their kids, and do other domestic chores may see the benefits of their labor pay off in the bedroom.
When you think about it, these “mop-and-glow” findings make a lot of sense. Researchers in the Netherlands have found that the key to getting a woman turned on and to the heights of orgasmic bliss is a deep sense of relaxation and a lack of anxiety. They scanned the brains of 13 women and 11 men while they were manually stimulated to orgasm by their partners. The scans showed that, for women, the parts of the brain responsible for processing fear, anxiety and emotion slowed down the more aroused they became, producing a trancelike state at orgasm. Men showed far less change in these areas of the brain.
via Fox on Sex: The New Foreplay? It’s ‘Choreplay’ | Fox News.
What about you? What is your significant other’s love language? Are you learning to speak it fluently? For my wife, the smell of lemon-scented Dawn on my hands is an aphrodisiac if you get my drift. I could try to get her to see things my way but it’s actually easier to learn her language and speak it every chance I get! Take some time to learn your so’s love language this long weekend…
Related articles
- Fox on Sex: The New Foreplay? It’s ‘Choreplay’ (foxnews.com)
We have choices
Melody Beattie says:
“We have choices, more choices than we let ourselves see.
We may feel trapped in our relationships, our jobs, our life. We may feel locked into behaviors such as caretaking or controlling.
Feeling trapped is a symptom of codependency. When we hear ourselves say, I have to take care of this person . . . I have to say yes . . . I have to try to control that person . . . I have to behave this way, think this way, feel this way . . . we can know we are choosing not to see choices.
That sense of being trapped is an illusion. We are not controlled by circumstances, our past, the expectations of others, or our unhealthy expectations for ourselves. We can choose what feels right for us, without guilt. We have options.
Recovery is not about behaving perfectly or according to anyone else’s rules. More than anything else, recovery is about knowing we have choices and giving ourselves the freedom to choose.
Today, I will open my thinking and myself to the choices available to me. I will make choices that are good for me.” via Adult Children Anonymous.
Related articles
- Fear & Codependency (toddlohenry.com)
- Codepedence is not just an issue for partners of addicts (toddlohenry.com)
- Recognizing choices (toddlohenry.com)
Think Like a Lion Tamer About the Hurt in Your Life
“Have you recently been through a challenge, disappointment, break up, or disloyalty with somebody in your life?
If so, it’s important after you’ve been hurt, to take some time to think like a lion tamer about your pain, so you can tame the possibility of more negativity coming back to bite you again!” Get more here: Think Like a Lion Tamer About the Hurt in Your Life « Positively Positive.
Discovering intimacy
As we grow in recovery, we find that gift in many, sometimes surprising, places. We may discover we’ve developed intimate relationships with people at work, with friends, with people in our support groups – sometimes with family members. Many of us are discovering intimacy in a special love relationship.
Intimacy is not sex, although sex can be intimate. Intimacy means mutually honest, warm, caring, safe relationships – relationships where the other person can be who he or she is and we can be who we are – and both people are valued.
Sometimes there are conflicts. Conflict is inevitable. Sometimes there are troublesome feelings to work through. Sometimes the boundaries or parameters of relationships change. But there is a bond – one of love and trust.
There are many blocks to intimacy and intimate relationships. Addictions and abuse block intimacy. Unresolved family of origin issues prevents intimacy. Controlling blocks intimacy. Off balance relationships, where there is too great a discrepancy in power, prevent intimacy. Caretaking can block intimacy. Nagging, withdrawing, and shutting down can hurt intimacy. So can a simple behavior like gossip — for example, gossiping about another for motives of diminishing him or her in order to build up ourselves or to judge the person. To discuss another person’s issues, shortcomings, or failures with someone else will have a predictable negative impact on the relationship.
We deserve to enjoy intimacy in as many of our relationships as possible. We deserve relationships that have not been sabotaged. That does not mean we walk around with our heads in the clouds; it means we strive to keep our motives clean when it comes to discussing other people.
If we have a serious issue with someone, the best way to resolve it is to bring the issue to that person.
Direct, clean conversation clears the air and paves the way for intimacy, for good feelings about ourselves and our relationships with others.
Today, God, help me let go of my fear of intimacy. Help me strive to keep my communications with others clean and free from malicious gossip. Help me work toward intimacy in my relationships. Help me deal as directly as possible with my feelings.
Cat and birds
Life on the farm is full of lessons. One is that nature isn’t always nice. The barn kitty I love — Boo — is a vicious killer sometimes and that’s the nature of cats. Yesterday, she had her eyes on a prize — a nest with 5 baby purple martins…
The whole scenario was interesting to watch mostly because I doubted Boo would be able to open the top of the birdhouse — ironically, it was her own weight on top of the birdhouse that prevented her from getting in. I suppose there’s a deeper blog post in there about thwarting our own efforts but I’ll leave that one unmined. Anyway, what was interesting was the way both of the parents teamed up to scare Boo away. They dove at her like fighter planes around King Kong at the top of the Empire State building actually making contact several times. In the end, the babies were unharmed but it doesn’t mean that Boo won’t crack the code someday…
Fake Love, Fake War: Why So Many Men Are Addicted to Internet Porn and Video Games
You know the guy I’m talking about. He spends hours into the night playing video games and surfing for pornography. He fears he’s a loser. And he has no idea just how much of a loser he is. For some time now, studies have shown us that porn and gaming can become compulsive and addicting. What we too often don’t recognize, though, is why.
In a new book, The Demise of Guys: Why Boys Are Struggling and What We Can Do About It, psychologists Philip Zimbardo and Nikita Duncan say we may lose an entire generation of men to pornography and video gaming addictions. Their concern isn’t about morality, but instead about the nature of these addictions in reshaping the patten of desires necessary for community.
If you’re addicted to sugar or tequila or heroin you want more and more of that substance. But porn and video games both are built on novelty, on the quest for newer and different experiences. That’s why you rarely find a man addicted to a single pornographic image. He’s entrapped in an ever-expanding kaleidoscope.
There’s a key difference between porn and gaming. Pornography can’t be consumed in moderation because it is, by definition, immoral. A video game can be a harmless diversion along the lines of a low-stakes athletic competition. But the compulsive form of gaming shares a key element with porn: both are meant to simulate something, something for which men long.
Pornography promises orgasm without intimacy. Video warfare promises adrenaline without danger. The arousal that makes these so attractive is ultimately spiritual to the core. Get more here: Fake Love, Fake War: Why So Many Men Are Addicted to Internet Porn and Video Games – Desiring God.
Related articles
- New TED ebook warns of the demise of guys (toddlohenry.com)
- Stanford University psychologist blames games and porn for “the demise of guys” (vg247.com)
The 3A’s of Awesome
Having launched Global Awesomeness Report just a week ago, we were thrilled when we came across this TED Talk from last year, which speaks our language on positivity (it also has our favorite word “Awesome” in it so we couldn’t resist!).
Neil Pasricha uses the power of blogging to spread a little optimism each day about the awesome things that make life worth living – and it is the simple things that count. In this entertaining yet enlightening video, he shares what he calls the 3A’s of Awesome.
Do check it out, and if you too are ready for a change in attitude and want to delve head-first into positive feel-good news, then hop on over to our Global Awesomeness Report Facebook page and get happy! via The 3A’s of Awesome – A Feel Good Video | FinerMinds.
Expectations and being ‘right’
Lately, I have been thinking a lot about the word ‘right’ in my life. In my professional life, I am a thought leader in the internet marketing space. I have strong opinions about ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ when it comes to strategy, tactics and tools. I am learning lately that being right or thinking I am right can lead to disastrous consequences…
I have found fertile thinking in this quote from Nietzsche; “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.” When I think I am right, I think I HAVE rights and expectations. I think I know, however, that there is only one place disappointment comes from; false expectations…
Ponder this:
“There are/can be many disapointments in life and sometimes they can’t be avoided. Living up to what we expect is a big one. Whether it be in someone else or in ourselves. Our expectations can be “too high” unreasonable or unrealistic. No one is perfect nor can they be in this crazy world.
Sometimes we expect more from a person than they are able to give..at a particular time. Sometimes we expect a person to do more than they are capable of doing, or to be more than they are capable of being. Therefore we are the ones who wind up getting frustrated, angry, hurt, impatient and disapointed. We are the ones effected by our own actions. We are the ones who set ourselves up for disapointments.
Sometimes our approach can be critical, overbearing and destructive. Even when we simply suggest something or give an opinion it does’nt go over well. It can be viewed as an attack on ones charactor even tho that was not the intention. This should never be taken personally because we all have things we are trying to cope with from our past and present situations and we shut down.
Even when we simply try to point something out to someone they can go into the defend mode, protective mode because they are not ready to deal with “the problem” yet. They are still battling with it therefore they are consumed by it and it has power over their well being. Everyone needs to be comfortable in their own skin. Like no body states in one of my comments below..it must be the right message, from the right source, at the right time, by the right person (edified properly) or it will not be received in the way it was intended to be received. Otherwise it can be misinterpreted.
Our expectations, opinions and suggestions can sometimes be veiwed as attacks on self worth and competency. Therefore conflict, separation and alienation occures and the door is shut on communication. Then our relationships are compromised. I watched Charles Stanley‘s program last Sunday and he ministered on how “Words” can have a profound, everlasting effect on us and our well being, our growth and our lives. They can have a tremendous effect and sometimes we say things we later regret.
No one can live up to anyone’s” standards. It’s not that what everyone is doing is right or that we don’t have a big heart in wanting whats best for them, it’s just that our expectations may be overwelming.
A lot of people feel like failures because they can’t live up to the expectations they put on themselves or that others put on them. We can make others feel like failures because of our expections being “To high”> Expecting too much. Too much attention can be put on expectations and not on acheivements/accomplishments.” via Expectations.
Thinking I have rights as a husband leads me to expectations and the expectations lead to disappointment and frustration. Somehow, focusing on being friends with my wife is making a radical difference in my life and happiness has come from leaving ‘right’ behind…
I heard Dr. Phil say “would you rather be happy or right”. I choose happy and as for right? It really doesn’t exist according to Nietszche and only leads to sad for me. What do you think about this?
Related articles
- The Right Way … (menschenerleben.wordpress.com)
Loving Ourselves Unconditionally
More Melody Beattie:
“Love yourself into health and a good life of your own.
Love yourself into relationships that work for you and the other person. Love yourself into peace, happiness, joy, success, and contentment.
Love yourself into all that you always wanted. We can stop treating ourselves the way others treated us, if they behaved in a less than healthy, desirable way. If we have learned to see ourselves critically, conditionally, and in a diminishing and punishing way, it’s time to stop. Other people treated us that way, but it’s even worse to treat ourselves that way now.
Loving ourselves may seem foreign, even foolish at times. People may accuse us of being selfish. We don’t have to believe them.
People who love themselves are truly able to love others and let others love them. People who love themselves and hold themselves in high esteem are those who give the most, contribute the most, and love the most.
How do we love ourselves? By forcing it at first. By faking it, if necessary. By acting as if. By working as hard at loving and liking ourselves as we have at not liking ourselves.
Explore what it means to love yourself.
Do things for yourself that reflect compassionate, nurturing, self love.
Embrace and love all of yourself – past, present, and future. Forgive yourself quickly and as often as necessary. Encourage yourself. Tell yourself good things about yourself.
If we think and believe negative ideas, get them out in the open quickly and honestly, so we can replace those beliefs with better ones.
Pat yourself on the back when necessary. Discipline yourself when necessary. Ask for help, for time; ask for what you need.
Sometimes, give yourself treats. Do not treat yourself like a pack mule, always pushing and driving harder. Learn to be good to yourself. Choose behaviors with preferable consequences – treating yourself well is one.
Learn to stop your pain, even when that means making difficult decisions. Do not unnecessarily deprive yourself. Sometimes, give yourself what you want, just because you want it.
Stop explaining and justifying yourself. When you make mistakes, let them go. We learn, we grow, and we learn some more. And through it all, we love ourselves.
We work at it, and then work at it some more. One day we’ll wake up, look in the mirror, and find that loving ourselves has become habitual. We’re now living with a person who gives and receives love, because that person loves him or herself. Self-love will take hold and become a guiding force in our life.
Today, I will work at loving myself. I will work as hard at loving myself as I have at not liking myself. Help me let go of self-hate and behaviors that reflect not liking myself. Help me replace those with behaviors that reflect self-love. Today, God, help me hold myself in high self-esteem. Help me know I’m lovable and capable of giving and receiving love.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.” via the language of letting go | Tumblr.
Warning! Video: NSFW…
It happens for a reason…
The Meta Picture via It happens for a reason….
Are You Robbing Yourself of a Joyful Life?
“Comparison is the thief of joy.” Dwight Edwards
What does this quote mean? How does comparing yourself to others rob you of your own joy?
In your search to create your unique, joy-filled life, you must remember that You = The Only ONE.
You will struggle to live a pleasure-filled life if you do not tap into your core self and who you really are and instead waste precious time wondering why you don’t have the job, the looks, the money, the family, etc. etc. etc. that someone else has. Not embracing and celebrating your uniqueness causes you to conform and stuff yourself down, eventually leading to your one-of-a-kind qualities being lost or forgotten. In conforming, you lose your light, which can lead to feelings of depression and powerlessness.
The Ego, or Self, will fall into one of these categories as a way to cope with the loss of empowerment:
High Ego—power hungry; self absorbed; focus on external image; needs validation from others; blames/condemns others in order to boost self
Low Ego—no power; codependency; lost/confused; plays martyr; never feels gets what deserves; over carrying and worrying; always doubting self and putting self down
Interestingly enough, the high and low egos are two sides of the same coin. Both mask their genuine self by looking outside for the answers, are overly concerned with the image they are portraying, and are never satisfied. ” Get more here: Are You Robbing Yourself of a Joyful Life? « Positively Positive.
Jamie Oliver’s TED Prize wish: Teach every child about food
“Your child will live a life ten years younger than you because of the landscape of food that we’ve built around them.”
Teach every child about food. Get more here: Jamie Oliver’s TED Prize wish: Teach every child about food | Video on TED.com.
When We Think Other People Are Better Than Us
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt.
Justb writes:
“I have a very bad habit.
It pokes me when I stop to browse newspapers and magazines.
It slaps me when I’m watching TV.
It punches me hard at the gym.
It knocks me down when I am walking down the street.
I compare myself to other women.” Read more here: When We Think Other People Are Better Than Us | Tiny Buddha: Wisdom Quotes, Letting Go, Letting Happiness In.
I don’t compare myself to other women, but I know the discontent that comparison brings…
Impatience
“The hardest thing about practicing patience is that practicing impatience feels so justified.” via May 24 | Language of Letting Go.
Your Excuses Get You Nowhere
“Your excuses get you nowhere.
They just keep you where you already are.
We tend to make so many excuses for why we don’t follow our dreams and visions. Most of them seem quite legitimate and reasonable. But if you want to fulfill your dream, you have to be a little unreasonable.
If you listen to your mind’s made up excuses, it will keep you paralyzed and procrastinating forever.
If you listen to those naysayers, it will cost you your dreams and waste your precious time.
So, what excuses are you making for not pursuing your dream?
I don’t have enough time.
I don’t know how.
I don’t have the right connections.
I don’t have enough money.
I have to many real responsibilities to take care of.
I understand you have responsibilities in life. A mortgage. A job. Children. All well and great. Just make sure you don’t allow them to stop you from following your real heart’s vision. Sometimes due to our fear of stepping into our greatness or next level, we will unconsciously create structures in our life to be responsible for as a way to stay busy or to self-sabotage our ability to move forward with our dream. All this does is keep you trapped doing what you think you need to do to survive, rather than following your dream. It’s a sneaky trap.” via How I Met Steven Spielberg…Your Excuses Get You Nowhere. Commitment Is The Key!.
Related articles
- Living Without Excuses (gettingbetterman.wordpress.com)
- 9 Tips to Fast-Forward Your Fears and Live Your Dreams (lifehack.org)
- Motivational Monday ~ Deliberate Choices (alisonstone.wordpress.com)
- 18 excuses that most of us use in our lives (loreleimihalcea.wordpress.com)
- Excuses, excuses (highfiveandraspberries.wordpress.com)
What We Really Need to Be Happy
“The real measure of your wealth is how much you’d be worth if you lost all your money.” ~Unknown
Standing, getting crushed on the metro at peak hour, I look around and my heart sinks. I’m surrounded by sullen faces, their eyes focused intently on games on their iPads and smart phones.
These are the sullen faces representing a world of people dreading going to work, dreading grinding away at a job they hate.
The gadgets they use as distractions during their morning commute are constant reminders of why they must put themselves through this daily hell. They feel they need these things (among others), and their job allows them to have them.
Throughout history humans have always strived to have better “things,” to have more than their neighbors or at the very least be equal to them.
First it was outdoing the neighbor who just upgraded from horse and carriage to a car. Later it was getting a black a white TV, then the cassette player, and years later a CD player.
But in today’s modern world where trends change as soon as they begin, where the next version of the latest gadget comes out seemingly straight away, people are driven to work longer hours to afford to be at the forefront of the trends—the latest gadget, the latest car, the latest fashion.
But lurking behind the lives of shiny new cars, flat screen TV’s and iPhones is a void, is a huge deficit, and it’s not a budget one.
Our world is experiencing a passion and purpose deficit.” via What We Really Need to Be Happy | Tiny Buddha: Wisdom Quotes, Letting Go, Letting Happiness In.
Bright, shiny objects! 
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