Tag: Wisdom

5 Signs You’re Not Ready For Real Love

Oops! “2. You need validation and approval.”

Full story at:  5 Signs You’re Not Ready For Real Love.

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If You Can Succeed in Managing Your Morning, Then Nothing Can Stop You From Succeeding in Life

The first hour is the rudder of the day!

Full story at:  If You Can Succeed in Managing Your Morning, Then Nothing Can Stop You From Succeeding in Life.

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Wishing you love and light

Full story at:

wishing you love and light – my blog – Ordinary Courage.

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Namaste

namaste

Whether you say the word or no, I think it’s a good attitude to have when meeting or departing. Full story at: Namaste – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

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The art of living

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Naturally, we wish to avoid pain and difficulty, but life experience and a measure of reflection show us that most of what comes our way is beyond our control. We’ll never outwit all the possibilities for trouble, even if we live to be 100 years old. We have often failed to learn from trouble because we cast ourselves in the roles of passive men and victims. We pointed outside ourselves and said, “Look at what is happening to poor me!”

When we use trouble as our teacher, we develop the art of living. We are taking a spiritual approach, using our Higher Power as our guide. We can choose today to use our difficulties for our learning and growth. We might ask, “What can I learn from this experience about myself as a man? How can I use this to strengthen myself for the future?” Serenity develops, not by eliminating life’s difficulties, but by having a reliable relationship with our Higher Power in the midst of it all.

With God as my guide, I will use whatever comes my way as an opportunity for growth.

via Just For Today Meditations » Daily Recovery Readings – December 11, 2012.

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Who Are You (Really)?

English: mask

Shelly Bullard writes:

What masks are you wearing? What I mean by this is, what are the ways you’re hiding from the world? How do you veer away from your authentic self? How do you change or alter yourself in relationships? The answers to these questions can be very telling as to why you aren’t feeling happy, complete, or fully embodied in your life.

Your mask has a lot of different names: the “false self,” the “conditioned self,” the “learned self,” the “ego.” Basically what it is is the version of you that is not authentic. We all have this version of ourselves (and some of us have many versions, one for every occasion). The fact that you have a false self is nothing to feel ashamed of. It is, however, a part of yourself that you might want to get to know; especially because happiness comes from learning how to take your mask off.

Here’s a short history of where your false self came from. We all received messages (overtly or covertly) when we were young about how to be in the world: “you should or shouldn’t be, act, feel, think” a certain way. Naturally we internalized these messages to mean that we needed to be different than who we really are to be accepted. Hence the birth of the false self (good girls, bad boys, etc etc).

Unfortunately many of us have never taken those masks off–we are still walking around as an altered version of our real selves. This causes us to feel like something is “off;” either our relationships don’t feel fulfilling or we feel a little fraudulent or incomplete. If you feel “off” in a general way it’s a good  indication that your false self has taken over. It’s time to take back the reins.

One of the most common places for a false self to appear is in romantic relationships. Why? Because romance makes us vulnerable, vulnerability makes us scared, and when we are scared we want to put our masks on! We do this for two reasons:  #1 we think that altering ourselves is a way to get people to approve of us (like when we were young) and #2 we believe that hiding behind a mask keeps us safe. Neither are actually true. Really all your mask does is make you feel distant from others. It is a protective measure that backfires in a big way; rather than helping you, it just keeps your authentic greatness hidden from the world.

Your mask is not the real you! The real you is behind all that altering and changing.  The real you is your essence, your authentic self, your SOUL. Your Soul may be hidden behind a bunch of stuff, behind the masks, but it’s there. And it’s waiting for you to make contact. Ask yourself these questions to realign with your true self:

  • Who am I really? (really, really)
  • What do I stand for?
  • What is my purpose?
  • What is my message?
  • What am I here to do? (like, on this planet type-of here!)
  • What is important to me?
  • What is my gift? What do I want to create?
  • What inspires me?
  • What do I really love?

Now live your life according to your answers! Is it always easy? No! It’s vulnerable as hell! But it’s worth it. Trust me. The fact is you are going to feel limited in your connections if you are mainly operating with a mask on. Your mask hides you–it keeps you at a distance. So in order to really start living your life, you have to start showing up in a more authentic way.

Let yourself out! Greatness does not come from hiding. You have greatness within you and it’s dying to be set free. So show the world who you are. We’re all waiting to see…

via Who Are You (Really)?.

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Active Contentment: 5 Tips to Have Both Peace and Ambition

“Peace is not merely a distant goal we seek but a means by which we arrive at that goal.” ~Martin Luther King Jr.

Full story at:  Active Contentment: 5 Tips to Have Both Peace and Ambition | Tiny Buddha.

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5 Ways to Improve Communication Skills

Communication is one of the most important skills we can ever learn. It leads everything that we do—whether we’re communicating at work to meet deadlines and achieve results, or communicating with friends, family and partners to build strong relationships. So many problems stem from poor communication and there’s no wonder why, really. We are not taught how to communicate properly at school; it’s something we have to ‘pick up’ from the people around us. Unfortunately, unless we are lucky enough to have stellar communicators in our close circle, we can often pick up bad habits. I’ve made it my business to learn a thing or two about communication, and I’ll share a few key things with you today. One of the most important, yet overlooked skills of communicating is this:

Be a Good Listener

That’s right—most people have no idea that listening is a necessary part of the communication process, but the reality is that  listening is an essential part of communication: not only does it help you to build rapport with other people, it ‘s also a way of demonstrating respect for others. When people feel respected, it’s very easy to build long, happy relationships. Think about how great it feels when someone is intently listening to you, and those times when they are completely enthralled with what you are saying. This makes you feel valued and does wonders to aid communication. People just want to be heard,so by listening intently you can build trust at the subconscious level. Look at it the other way around: we all know people who are really bad listeners. They love the sound of their own voices so much that you can’t get a word in edgewise, and when it’s finally your turn to talk, they aren’t really listening. In contrast, how does this make you feel? Frustrated, and of low value. By not listening to you, the other person is essentially telling you that you don’t have anything worth saying. One thing I do want to get straight here is that listening and shyness are not the same things. People often get good listening confused with shyness, as someone who listens more than they speak might be assumed to be shy or hesitant. What’s important is active listening: paying attention, and then demonstrating your understanding of a conversation by repeating key points in your responses. At the end of the day, people just want to feel like they are understood.

Full story at: 5 Ways to Improve Communication Skills.

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Approval Seeking Behavior is Time Consuming (and I’m not getting any younger)

Approval Seeking Behavior is Time Consuming (and I’m not getting any younger) « Deni In A Dress

OK, I confess I love this about blogging and the WordPress community. In the past, I don’t know that I would have found much upon which to agree with a transwoman, but Denise from Deni in a Dress and I have this in common:

I’m not willing to spend time trying to get other folk’s approval.

  • Constantly seeking approval from others takes me down a path where I stop caring about myself.  I stop caring about my own physical, mental and spiritual health because there is no time left for me.
  • Constantly seeking approval from others is not a good investment of time.  The payoff is notoriously poor.  I’ve spent an entire lifetime working to get somebody else to approve of me.  And I have zero to show for all that time.
  • Constantly seeking approval from others misses the grand opportunities of life.  I don’t dare take the time away from other people who aren’t going to give me their approval no matter what to take advantage of positive career moves, traveling through this wonderful world, even the book I’ve always wanted to read.
  • Constantly seeking approval from others feeds on itself in unexpected, perverse ways of spending time.  Addiction robs even more time as it sucks the life out of life itself.

These are all reasons why living a life of constantly seeking approval needs to stop.  I’ve seen dogs who could catch their own tail, not often but I’ve seen it happen.  I’ve never seen a dog who could hold on to it.” via Approval Seeking Behavior is Time Consuming (and I’m not getting any younger) « Deni In A Dress.

Yesterday I posted this gem and it helped me navigate my day: “Before seeking external validation, ask yourself, “What do I hope that person tells me?” Then tell it to yourself.” Cut out the middleman! And thanks, Denise — I’m following your blog in Google Reader now…

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14 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship

Cynthia Belmer writes:

Sally is in a relationship with Rob, her boyfriend of two years. They love each other and share some fun together yet there is this unpredictable negative dynamic that surfaces often. It brings heartache and pain to their lives and a negative shift in how they feel about love and themselves when they are together.

Does this sound like something you have been living for a while and you are wondering if this is the new trend in relationships?

It is very normal to go through ups and downs in relationships. It is healthy to feel angry, sad sometimes as long as you come to an understanding, allow yourself to be completely vulnerable and honest so you can grow and deepen your bond with your partner.

On the opposite side, sometimes we go through an unhealthy relationship for a long time that causes a lot damage to our psyche without even being aware of what is going on.

So, here is a brief checklist that could help you identify the signs of an unhealthy dynamic you have with your partner: 14 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship.

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How to create change in your life…

How to make life great...

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How To Create Your Brand And Find Your Voice!

Oct 2011 Cover Of Social Media Woman Magazine

Marie Forleo writes:

We all want to use our voice to express ourselves in a way that feels original and feels like us.

But how exactly do you find your voice?

What are the secrets to unleashing your own uniqueness when it comes to writing, creating and serving?

Finding your voice, or giving yourself permission to use it, can be challenging unless you have some concrete steps to follow.

Watch this now and and learn four simple, yet effective steps to unleashing your own voice and brand.

via How To Create Your Brand And Find Your Voice!.

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You And Your Imposter Complex Are Not Alone!

I first heard about the ‘imposter complex’ from my thoroughly lovely friend and client @jackiedumaine. Tanya Geisler lays it out here:

For a TEDxWomen talk on Dec. 1st, I’ve decided to talk about – and take down – the Impostor Complex. You know, that beast that wants to shut you down, reminding you of allll the ways you are not ready, capable, qualified, prepared and competent.

Yeah. THAT.

Which is perfect, of course, because my own Impostor Complex has a TON to say about why I’m not ready, capable, qualified, prepared and competent enough to deliver this talk. So my material, at the very least, is pretty fresh.

Just recently, I was thrilled to attend Mastin’s Super Soul Sunday event in Toronto. Mastin was generously answering every last question his hungry audience had for him. I asked him how he felt when the call came about going on Oprah with Marie and Gabby. His response:

“I couldn’t believe it. I thought it was a mistake. I didn’t think it would actually happen. I assumed it would be canceled.”

Familiar? You are not alone.

Any time we think that something has happened because of luck, or timing, or because someone made a mistake, we are in the hold of our Impostor Complex.

Is there ANY DOUBT in your mind that Mastin was supposed to be on that show? Is there ANY DOUBT in your mind that he earned it?

No? Me neither.

From the 1000+ hours I’ve been coaching clients, I can tell you with great certainty that almost every single high-achiever has at one point or another felt the weight of the Impostor syndrome, and it sounds like:

“I have written eleven books, but each time I think, ‘Uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody, and they’re going to find me out.’” – Maya Angelou

“You think, ‘Why would anyone want to see me again in a movie? And I don’t know how to act anyway, so why am I doing this?’” – Meryl Streep

And guess what else?

The Impostor and The Authority are are both Illusions

John Lennon said, “Part of me suspects that I’m a loser, and the other part of me thinks I’m God Almighty.”

Can you see the illusions at both ends of that statement? Loser is an illusion. God Almighty is an illusion. The Impostor is an illusion. The Authority is an illusion.

You are never either. You know more than you think AND you will never know it all.

It’s the very nature of the ego: it wants to want more than it wants to get.

Can you feel the relief and the grief in that?

And while I may not be THE authority, my experience as the Impostor Complex – both mine and those of my brilliant clients – certainly makes me AN authority.

So, as you face your desires for stage, for mastery in the boardroom, for the book deal, for the TV show, for the new business or for the promotion, I want you to know this:

  • You are not alone.
  • Those belittling voices are not real or right.
  • You’ve earned your right to be here.
  • You’ve got this.
  • You are ready.

Agreed?

When I’m on stage delivering my TEDx talk, I intend to own it. There has been no mistake made: I’ve earned my right to be there. Speaking truth imbued with experience and love, in spite of what my Impostor Complex wants me to believe. It is, after all, a mere illusion.

Your call’s coming too. Answer it with an effusive YES.

Source: You And Your Impostor Complex Are Not Alone!

I was describing to Jackie my own desire to do a TEDTalk and the trouble I was having writing my book ‘Be Known’; mainly, that people would laugh. Understanding that this feeling is so common that it has a ‘syndrome’ attached to it helped me get beyond my fears. In my experience, if you can name it you can kill it, fix it, fight it, whatever you want to do with it. Watch out for the ‘imposter complex’ in your life!

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How to Create A Breakthrough in Any Area of Your Life: Manage Your Strategies, Your Story and Your State

Tony Robbins writes here about STRATEGIES, STORY AND STATE and how they work together:

Question: One of the toughest things about chasing the dream is managing the disciplines of persistent action and hopeful patience that are required to ultimately see the vision come to be. This is an area of huge tension. How do dream chasers manage that tension and thrive?

Fulfilling your dreams and your ability to thrive in the areas of your life that matter most can be simplified by breakthroughs—a moment in time when the impossible becomes possible. If anyone wants to thrive in any area of their life, they have to reach a point of breakthrough where they will not settle for anything less than extraordinary in that area. Whether someone wants a breakthrough in their:

  • business
  • intimate life
  • emotional well-being
  • health
  • finances
  • career

There are only three areas to break through in order to feel lasting success.

One breakthrough area is your STRATEGIES. I personally live for finding strategies—those shortcuts that help people get more done in less time. What is it that gets some people to succeed while others fail who seem to have equal enthusiasm or passion for the tasks at hand? They have insights, distinctions, and strategies that allow them to achieve more quickly. For example, take someone who was born very poor, without an education, and had emotional and financial challenges but found a way to be highly successful and living an inspired life. I don’t believe that’s lucky—luck is what you do for a day or a week—strategies are what make it consistently happen for decades. A strategy can be found in the simplest or slightest distinction and it can happen in an instant.

As I described above, there are three elements that effect the long-term success or failure of a person and whether they break through or not. For example, there are hundreds or even thousands of strategies out there for losing weight, and frankly most of them are proven to work—if you work them! We’re not hurting for strategies. There are fitness clubs on every street, dieticians, health coaches, training videos, audios, books, etc. Yet 65% of the United States is overweight and 33% is obese, and those numbers are only growing geometrically. I would suggest to you that the problem for most people is not that they don’t have a strategy—it’s that they’re not using a strategy that works for them or acting upon it. Why? Because they have a disempowering STORY.

We all have stories—narratives we tell ourselves about why we can or cannot do or achieve something in our lives. Whether we believe we can or can’t, we’re usually right, because our expectation controls our focus, perceptions, and the way in which we feel and act. When a person succeeds it’s because they have the right strategy, and they found it usually because they have a story that it was possible or they could make it happen. Often people are not losing weight because they have a simple story that says, “I’m big boned.” With that as your core belief system you are never going to find a strategy, and even if you do you won’t follow through on it.

Your story may be true—you may have been through a horrific experience–but that’s not the reason why you can’t have the life you want. For example, you might have had a bad breakup five years ago, but that’s not the reason you haven’t found the passionate and loving relationship you deserve. A disempowering story is one of the things that controls people and makes them stuck in their beliefs.

Most people tell a story in a selective way so they don’t have to ever maximize their effort towards a strategy because they’re afraid they will fail. In order to get out of a story you have to be triggered by hunger and desire—if someone wants something strong enough they will breakthrough the story that’s limiting them.

Of course, whether you have an empowering story or disempowering one is influenced most powerfully by the mental and emotional STATE you’re in at this moment in time. As human beings we all develop emotional patterns—moods—that are mental or emotional states that tend to filter how we look at our lives.

This influences the stories that we make up about who we are, what we’re capable of, or what’s achievable or not. The states we go into most often then become the most powerful filter of all that will determine whether we find the strategies necessary to succeed and whether we come up with a story that will empower us. The big question then becomes, what is it that we can do to change our state of mind when we’re not able to maximize our true potential? One of our greatest scientific discoveries has been that you can change your emotional mood by a radical change in your “physiology.”

For people who are experiencing stress at any given moment, a form of relief can be to simply change your physiology—take a couple of deep breaths. Most people only use 20% of their lung capacity taking small short breaths, but 70% of the body’s toxins can actually be released when taking a full breath! By taking the time to fill your lungs and release you can not only improve your health but also radically decrease the anxiety related to that moment. There are many ways to change your physiology and in our seminars we prove this time after time by taking people who feel depressed and having them make a radical shift. Intuitively we know this can be changed not only by the way we move, but our breath and body temperature as well.

The second thing that affects our state is what we focus on. For example, if you’ve been at a funeral honoring someone you cared about and everyone is in a sad state and afterwards someone shares a story or anecdote about something that person did that was extremely humorous, suddenly everyone goes from tears to laughter. In an instant our states can be changed by what we focus on. What’s wrong is always available—but so is what’s right. Whatever we focus on effects our state and our state then effects the story we have about who we are, what’s life about, what’s possible and what’s not. From that story we will often determine whether or not we will maximize our capabilities and the strategies that will help us achieve what we’re truly after in a sustainable way.

Learning to put yourself in a peak state consistently is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself and your life. It can transform your stories and give you the strategies to breakthrough. This is a huge focus that we just don’t tell people but what we train people to do with their minds and bodies in an instant, on cue, so they can shift the quality of their performance. Whether it’s a peak performance athlete like Serena Williams, MMA champion Jon Jones, a president of a company, a parent, or someone in prison—if we’re going to shift our life it comes down to these three fundamentals.

Change your strategy, change your result.

Change your story, change your life.

Change your state—you change it all!

Source: How to Create A Breakthrough in Any Area of Your Life: Manage Your Strategies, Your Story and Your State

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Boundaries

Melody-Beattie-8x6.jpgMelody Beattie writes:

Boundaries aren’t limited to saying no. Boundaries reflect what we believe we deserve. Some people were born into situations that encouraged listening to and trusting themselves. Others had their right to self-respect violated at an early age. If our ability to trust ourselves was tam­pered with when we were young. we may have to work extra hard to acquire and keep boundaries—and self­esteem—in place.

“Someone who barely knew me mentioned to a friend that he thought I was selfish,” a woman said. “For the next six months, I had the worst time setting limits. I kept trying to prove how unselfish I was.”

No matter how many boundaries we’ve set, it’s not unusual to still feel guilty each time we say no. We may be afraid that we’ll lose the other person. or that he or she will go away if we say no. But when we don’t honor ourselves by setting boundaries, we’re the ones who disappear.

Challenge: The hardest thing about boundaries can be recognizing that we’ve lost or misplaced ourselves again. Maybe we could look at setting boundaries as an on­going process of discovering who we are.

via December 15.

In her meditation for February 20, she writes:

We are powerless over other people’s expectations of us. We cannot control what others want, what they expect, or what they want us to do and be. We can control how we respond to other people’s expectations. During the course of any day, people may make demands on our time, talents, energy, money, and emotions. We do not have to say yes to every request. We do not have to feel guilty if we say no. And we do not have to allow the barrage of demands to control the course of our life. We do not have to spend our life reacting to others and to the course they would prefer we took with our life. We can set boundaries, firm limits on how far we shall go with others. We can trust and listen to ourselves. We can set goals and direction for our life. We can place value on ourselves. We can own our power with people. Buy some time. Think about what you want. Consider how responding to another’s needs will affect the course of your life. We live or own life by not letting other people, their expectations, and their demands control the course of our life. We can let them have their demands and expectations; we can allow them to have their feelings. We can own our power to choose the path that is right for us. Today, God, help me own my power by detaching, and peacefully choosing the course of action that is right for me. Help me know I can detach from the expectations and wants of others. Help me stop pleasing other people and start pleasing myself.

Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (p. 49). BookMobile. Kindle Edition.

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6 Ways to Transform Conflict

Michael Hyatt’s Blog

Full story at:  6 Ways to Transform Conflict.

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Why bother leaving the house?

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How to Get What You Want in Relationships

shelley-bullardI just discovered Shelly Bullard this morning [I wonder how she feels about being ‘discovered’. :-D]. Here she writes:

There is something you can do to guarantee getting what you want in your relationships. And it’s probably not what you think. In fact, its probably the opposite of what you think. No, it’s not by getting him to commit or by getting a guarantee from her. You’ve tried all those things–they don’t work. Trying to GET someone to GIVE something to you is always a dead-end street. But there is something else you can do–it’s something that you probably haven’t thought of. This something is called GIVING.

Yes, turns out the old saying is true, “You get what you give.” Problem is, most of us think we are giving; in fact, we think we are giving and giving and giving–too much! If you give and give and give (more than you feel comfortable with) then, I hate to break it to you, but you aren’t really giving. Over-giving is a sure sign of  GIVING TO GET. And the truth is, it’s not going to GET you anything (except resentful). No this isn’t giving at all–it’s called sacrifice.

When you are not in contact with your own fullness then you will try to get from your partner the exact thing that you are not 1) giving to yourself or 2) giving to them. It is very hard to give–to genuinely give, without the motive of getting in return–if you are running on less-than-full yourself. This less-than-full is actually is the feeling that causes you to try and GET from someone else in the first place. You think they are the key. You think they have what you’re seeking. So, ironically, what you usually do to try to GET from them is you… sacrifice yourself more? Can you see the irony in that?! Stop over-giving! It doesn’t work!

You see, the only way to GET what you want is to stop trying to GET it–you have to start GIVING it, like, for free. And how are you supposed to so that? You give it to yourself first, of course.

Anything that you feel like you need from your partner–anything you feel like you are not getting from him or her–is a sure sign of something that you are not giving to yourself. You don’t feel like you have it, which is what makes you seek it from them in the first place! I’ll show you.

Let’s say you are you seeking security from him. You want him to commit, you want a guarantee! Then sweetie, if it’s security you are looking for, it’s time to boost up your inner-security chops! Lack in the department of inner-security is what leads you to try and GET security from him in the first place! And, unfortunately, there is nothing he can actually do to make you feel–once and for all–secure. Only you can do that for yourself. The good news is, you can. Easy. Start contacting your own fullness. Start contacting your own solidity and abundance and strength. And once you do–Voilà!–your relationship begins to feel more secure. Let’s do another one…

Let’s say you are looking to get more freedom in your relationship. Well, if it’s freedom you are seeking then this means you are not giving enough freedom to yourself–you have start there. Many people don’t feel free in a relationship because they do things like censoring themselves, hiding the truth, not saying what they really feel–all of these modes of “hiding” are going to make you feel trapped. Often what happens when you’re stuck in a mode of censoring yourself for so long is you start to project that freedom is “out there.” Reality check: there is no freedom anywhere unless you give it to yourself. This means you have to start being REAL. Give yourself the freedom to say what you are thinking, be who you really are, and then, then, you will feel free.

You see, we project exactly what is not happening within us onto our partners–and then try to make them give it to us! Here is the truth that I want you to remember: YOU PARTNER CANNOT GIVE TO YOU WHAT YOU DO NOT GIVE TO YOURSELF. Period. So whatever you are looking for–whatever you are desperately trying to get from them–you must, must, must learn to give it first. TO YOURSELF! Continue to come back to your own fullness, your own completeness–continue to remember that you have everything you need, that you don’t need to GET anything from anyone else. Everything you think you need from your partner you can actually give to yourself. You take care of you. And it is in this knowing–when you stop demanding to GET from him or her and when you start showing up to GIVE–that you really start to receive everything you want.” via Soul Full: How to Get What You Want in Relationships.

I <3 Shelly's teaching…

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A Love Letter: Do You Desire To Be Deeply Loved?

ChristineAr-300x248Christine Arylo writes:

Every single person on this planet wants to be deeply loved – whether they will admit it or are aware of it or not. The truth is that no matter how much money you make, how beautiful your body is or how many accolades you acquire, at the core of who you are, you desire to be deeply loved.

And yet, how many of us would be willing to stand up and admit to the world this deepest of deep desires? Would you? Of course you might express that you would really like a loving relationship, that your family is important to you, or even that you’d like to take better care of yourself.

But would you peel back the curtain that protects your delicate soul to reveal that inside is the most innocent and pure heart, one who craves to be seen by another so deeply that you could almost feel that person witnessing your soul? Would you show us the holes of loneliness that sometimes surface on that same heart when your soul feels unseen, unheard, un-understood?

I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.

The loneliest times of my life have been in relationships – be it with a parent, a friend or a romantic partner – in which I called out to be seen… when I reached out for unconditional love… and neither was returned.

After 30 years of trying to find that deep love from the people around me whom I loved, I was gifted with a profound realization, one that I have since come to understand is the secret to everything in life. When we live by it, the happiness and love we seek is ever present. When we don’t, we will find ourselves forever seeking out happiness and love, in vain.

The secret is this:

The deep love you seek starts and ends with the love you have for you.” Full story at: A Love Letter: Do You Desire To Be Deeply Loved?.

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What Your Dissatisfying Relationships Are Telling You

Shelly Bullard is one of my favorite writers at MindBodyGreen. Today she has an article written directly at me [as if she was reading my email!] that I want to share with you:

Are you seeking a relationship that will make you feel complete?

Have you been searching for love but all of your experiences seem to fall short?

Do you get excited, thinking you found “the one,” only to feel dissatisfied again shortly after the high wears off?

If so, you are reading the right article.

This is a very common experience. It’s easy to feel jaded about love if you’ve had enough experiences that haven’t turned out the way you want.

Luckily, there is a reason this keeps happening. Believe it or not, you are looking for love in all the wrong places.

The relationship you are really looking for is one with YOURSELF.

I know, you may not believe me at first. You may think that you already have the best possible relationship you can have with yourself.

However if you are constantly up against feelings such as “something is missing,” or “this isn’t good enough,” or “I’m not satisfied,” then it’s a good indication that it’s time to really start tending to the most important relationship in your life–the one you have with you.

When we don’t feel satisfied within, we project the feelings of inadequacy onto our partners and other aspects of our life. The real truth is, if it feels like something is missing in your life, then it’s probably you (thank you Robert Holden for this life-changing lesson).

Here is what is going on in this oh-so common pattern: When you seek completion (meaning you are looking to feel good about yourself–to feel at peace, in love, and whole) outside of yourself, it implies that you feel incomplete to begin with.

Unfortunately this feeling of incompletion (that lives in you) is going to follow you into whatever situation you make your way into.

Sure, when you fall in love you are going to get a glimpse of completion and love that is so divine.

But, if what drove you into the relationship in the first place was to overcome a sense of feeling incomplete, you will find that soon enough you will begin to feel incomplete within the relationship, too.

Other people don’t complete us. Only You complete You.

I know many of us have heard this before and that, in theory, we believe that it is true. But the trouble is we don’t do anything about this truth!

We keep repeating the same pattern over and over again–looking for love, for completion, for a sense of inner peace by acquiring things (especially people) outside of us.

Unfortunately nothing on the outside can ultimately change the way you feel on the inside.

This isn’t to say that relationships don’t serve a purpose. This is not true. They serve the ultimate purpose–for us to feel love.

But there are very different qualities in the type of love you feel if you are trying to complete yourself with someone else versus the type of love you feel when you are showing up to join, share, and co-create with another.

In the first relationship, you are going to feel preoccupied with everything that is missing–with all that you are not getting from the other person.

In the second, you are going to feel much more freedom to just relax and freely give your love away.

You can feel deeply satisfied in relationships with other people. In fact, you are supposed to. But (and this is a big BUT) YOU have to get right with YOU first.

I came across this quote the other day by Suzanne Falter-Barnes, and she sums it up perfectly. Here is what she said:

“There is no relationship pure enough, pristine enough, sublime enough, romantic enough, beautiful enough, fulfilling enough, spiritually attuned enough to overcome the despair you will feel when you are not connected to who you are–when you are not connected to your own heart and soul.”

For your life to feel full, YOU must feel full. For your relationships to feel satisfying, YOU must feel satisfied. Soul, depth, heart, and love all come from within. And when you tap into these parts of yourself, you start to feel them all around you.

When you feel disconnected from you, you feel disconnected from everyone around you too. This is just how it works.

So what can you do? Stop looking for the answer outside of yourself–it’s not there.

You can’t control other people. You can’t expect someone to behave in a way that feels good to you all the time. You can’t get another person’s attention 100% of the time. You can’t get a stream of pure positive love from another person all the time. You can’t.

But, you can give yourself these things. You can connect into your own heart. You can live out your desires. You can be true to who you really are, and feel fullness from within. You can live your life with depth, purpose, meaning and soul. All these things you can do. And you must, if you really want to live a life filled with joy and love.

You are who you are looking for. It’s You. Just you.

If your life doesn’t feel satisfying enough–if your relationships are falling short–stop looking for the answer on the outside and go within.

Connect into yourself. Find yourself. Be true to yourself. And when you do, you will find that the love you have been looking for has been with you all along, and that it’s here to stay.” What Your Dissatisfying Relationships Are Telling You.

Over 30 years ago, Dr. Charles Alcorn summed it upfor me like this: Don’t look without for that which you should find within”. I heard the wisdom of his words but but was unable to implement it; only now am I entering into a fulfilling relationship with my Self through Celebrate Recovery and the help of my sponsors and accountability partners. It’s not easy but it is simple and it makes all the difference in the world…

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How to Blame Effectively!

Blame effectively? WTH? Isn’t blaming BAD? Christine Hassler shares this perspective:

Last week I attended Date with Destiny, which was my first Tony Robbins event. Tony is truly masterful at what he does and I had the extra bonus of going with Mastin, Jenna, Chris Assaad and Marie Forleo – we had a blast together sharing our breakthroughs and supporting each other.

One powerful takeaway that I wanted to share with you is about how to blame effectively. Tony talks a lot about our stories, which are created by the meaning we give to events in our life.  Our stories usually have a heaping dose of blame mixed into them.  We blame others for hurting us, making us feel a certain way, not behaving the way we wanted them to, etc.  Blame may be comforting because it justifies our hurt; however, it is completely paralyzing because it makes us a victim of our life rather than a co-creator.

Tony’s advice was that if you are going to blame, at least do so effectively by blaming them for all the lessons and blessings that came from what they did or didn’t do. This resonates with what I believe and teach, which is that EVERY person in our life serves our growth.  The Uni-verse makes no accidents in terms of who the cast of characters are in our life story . . . BUT we make the mistake of casting too many villains rather than angels in our own story.” Full story at: How to Blame Effectively!.

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