Tag: Spiritual Health

Discover what works for you

Melody Beattie writes:

There is no quick fix, no panacea that will work for every person. Success rarely happens overnight or in five days. Even the Twelve Steps are only suggestions. Although proven to work, the details and decisions about how we apply those Steps in our lives are left to each one of us.

And few things happen overnight, except the beginning of a new day.

Listen to your mentors. Examine what’s been tried and true, and has worked and helped countless others along their paths. The Twelve Steps are one of those approaches. But don’t be taken in by false claims of overnight success and instant enlightenment along your path.

True change takes time and effort, especially when were changing and tackling big issues. We can often get exactly the help we need at times from a therapist, book, or seminar— the best things in life really are free and available to each one of us. The Twelve Steps, again, qualify in this area.

Discover what works for you.

Trust that you’ll be guided along your path and receive exactly the help and guidance you need. Then give it time. There really isn’t an easier, softer way.

God, give me perseverance to tackle my problems.

Source: April 8: Discover What Works for You | Language of Letting Go

Melody Beattie’s work on codependency works for me and has been a tremendous help over the past year as a supplement to the work I am doing in Celebrate Recovery. What is working for you this Easter as you think about resurrection and rebirth?

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Gratitude and forgiveness…

“Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.” ~Melody Beattie

via A Reason to Be Grateful for Our Most Difficult, Painful Experiences | Tiny Buddha: Wisdom Quotes, Letting Go, Letting Happiness In.

Follow the ‘via’ link above if you’d like to read the rest of Melody Beattie’s post…

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Stand up to your fear of abandonment

Melody Beattie writes…

Many of us have a fear of abandonment. Some of us let it rule our lives. We’ll do anything just so that person doesn’t walk out and leave us alone.

I spent many years letting fear of abandonment control me. After a while, I finally wore out that belief. I just got sick and tired of worrying about whether I was good enough for that person.

Then a new thought set me free: If you don’t want to be my friend, or my lover, or my employer, I don’t want you in my life.

No more emotional blackmail. No more stress. No more having to second-guess what that other person is feeling.

Are you spending your time worried about someone leav­ing you? Does your fear of being abandoned leave you feel­ing like an underdog in your relationships? Let it go. Stand fast. And listen to what I’m about to tell you: If that person doesn’t want to be in your life, just let him or her leave. Do you want someone in your life who really doesn’t want to be there? Of course not. Let him or her go.

Once you adopt this belief, it’s easy to send the bad rela­tionships packing, and the good people want to stay.

God, help me believe that I deserve only the best of relationships.

Source: April 5: Stand Up to Your Fear of Abandonment | Language of Letting Go

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On attachments…

Melody Beattie shares this today…

A friend called me one day. His shiny new car was in the garage for repairs again. “I should have gotten a truck, some­thing practical, that would start every day and get me to work,” he said. “If ever, ever I start screaming that I have to have something and can’t live without it, start screaming back at me until I stop.”

What’s attached to your self-esteem? Continue reading “On attachments…” →

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Let go of low self esteem

Self esteem

Melody Beattie shares this thought for today…

“Sell-esteem is so illusive,” said Amanda. “I’ve been work­ing on my self-esteem for years. The harder I work at it, the less I seem to have.”

I believe we can let go of low self-esteem. We can turn around lack of belief in ourselves. We can become willing to forgive ourselves. We can stop tolerating treatment that doesn’t feel good to us. We can look at the dangers of defin­ing ourselves by money, power, or prestige, or by whom we know and what we have. Ultimately, we can become willing to take care of ourselves and nurture ourselves through whatever experiences life may bring.

Twelve Step programs offer two Steps that can help us build self-esteem, acceptance, and self-love. Step Six says we become entirely ready to have God take our defects of char­acter. Step Seven says we humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings. The work isn’t easy, but it is worthwhile.

For now it’s enough to become willing to let go of our low self-esteem and all the ways that low self-esteem manifests in our lives.

God, please replace my low self-esteem with self-acceptance.

Source: April 2: Let Go of Low Self Esteem | Language of Letting Go

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Go easy

“Go easy. You may have to push forward, but you don’t have to push so hard. Go in gentleness, go in peace. Do not be in so much of a hurry. At no day, no hour, no time are you required to do more than you can do in peace. Frantic behaviors and urgency are not the foundation for our new way of life. Do not be in too much of a hurry to begin. Begin, but do not force the beginning if it is not time. Beginnings will arrive soon enough. Enjoy and relish middles, the heart of the matter. Do not be in too much of a hurry to finish. You may be almost done, but enjoy the final moments. Give yourself fully to those moments so that you may give and get all there is. Let the pace flow naturally. Move forward. Start. Keep moving forward. Do it gently, though. Do it in peace. Cherish each moment. Today, God, help me focus on a peaceful pace rather than a harried one. I will keep moving forward gently, not frantically. Help me let go of my need to be anxious, upset, and harried. Help me replace it with a need to be at peace and in harmony.”

Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (p. 90). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.

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Coping devices

Pain

Good stuff from Melody Beattie…

One of the silliest things we do to cope with life is devalu­ing ourselves when bad things happen to us.

We might have experienced a lot of pain while we were growing up. So as a child we looked around and said, “Yup. This must be my fault. There’s something wrong with me.” Continue reading “Coping devices” →

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Letting go of fear

fear

Melody Beattie shares this from the Language of Letting Go…

Fear is at the core of codependency. It can motivate us to control situations or neglect ourselves.

Many of us have been afraid for so long that we don’t label our feelings fear. We’re used to feeling upset and anxious. It feels normal.

Peace and serenity may be uncomfortable.

At one time, fear may have been appropriate and useful. We may have relied on fear to protect ourselves, much the way soldiers in a war rely on fear to help them survive. But now, in recovery, we’re living life differently.

It’s time to thank our old fears for helping us survive, then wave good-bye to them. Welcome peace, trust, acceptance, and safety. We don’t need that much fear anymore. We can listen to our healthy fears, and let go of the rest.

We can create a feeling of safety for ourselves, now. We are safe, now. We’ve made a commitment to take care of ourselves. We can trust and love ourselves.

God, help me let go of my need to be afraid. Replace it with a need to be at peace. Help me listen to my healthy fears and relinquish the rest.

Source: March 28: Letting Go of Fear | Language of Letting Go

Fear sucks! Take care that you don’t get caught up in it…

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Feeling good

Sometimes, we don’t get what we want. . . But ...

More thoughts on independence and personal responsibility from Melody Beattie…

Make yourself feel good.

It’s our job to first make ourselves feel better and then make ourselves feel good. Recovery is not only about stopping painful feelings; it is about creating a good life for ourselves.

We don’t have to deny ourselves activities that help us feel good. Going to meetings, basking in the sun, exercising, tak­ing a walk, or spending time with a friend are activities that may help us feel good. We each have our list. If we don’t, we’re now free to explore, experiment, and develop that list.

When we find a behavior or activity that produces a good feeling, put it on the list. Then, do it frequently.

Let’s stop denying ourselves good feelings and start doing things that make us feel good.

Today, I will do one activity or behavior that I know will create a good feeling for me. If I’m uncertain about what I like, I will experiment with one behavior today.

Source: March 27: Feeling Good | Language of Letting Go

Sometimes, when I feel angry or inadequate I either go for a brisk walk or I do something that I’m really good at. In a perfect world, I shut out distractions and do both. It’s a tonic for the soul…

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Control

Cover of "The Language of Letting Go (Haz...

Melody Beattie shares…

Many of us have been trying to keep the whole world in orbit with sheer and forceful application of mental energy.

What happens if we let go, if we stop trying to keep the world orbiting and just let it whirl? It’ll keep right on whirling. It’ll stay right on track with no help from us. And we’ll be free and relaxed enough to enjoy our place on it.

Control is an illusion, especially the kind of control we’ve been trying to exert. In fact, controlling gives other people, events, and diseases, such as alcoholism, control over us. Whatever we try to control does have control over us and our life.

I have given this control to many things and people in my life. I have never gotten the results I wanted from controll­ing or trying to control people. What I received for my ef­forts is an unmanageable life, whether that unmanageability was inside me or in external events.

In recovery, we make a trade-off. We trade a life that we have tried to control, and we receive in return something better — a life that is manageable.

Today, I will exchange a controlled life for one that is manageable.

Source: March 26: Control | Language of Letting Go

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Balance

current desktop (left view)

A balanced life has harmony between a professional life and a personal life. There may be times when we need to climb mountains at work. There may be times when we put extra energy into our relationships. But the overall picture needs to balance.

Just as a balanced nutritional diet takes into account the realm of our nutritional needs to stay healthy, a balanced life takes into account all our needs: our need for friends, work, love, family, play, private time, recovery time, and spiritual time — time with God. If we get out of balance, our inner voice will tell us. We need to listen.

Today, I will examine my life to see if the scales have swung too far in any area, or not far enough in some. I will work toward achieving balance.

via March 21: Balance | Language of Letting Go.

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Anger at Family Members?

English: A metaphorical visualization of the w...

Yes. Melody Beattie again. I read her every morning. Today’s post included this thought…

At some point, strive to be done with the anger. But we need to be gentle with ourselves if the feelings surface from time to time.

Thank God for the feelings. Feel them. Release them. Ask God to bless and care for our families. Ask God to help us take freedom and take care of ourselves.

Let the golden light of healing shine upon all we love and upon all with whom we feel anger. Let the golden light of healing shine on us.

Trust that a healing is taking place, now.

Help me accept the potent emotions I may feel toward family mem­bers. Help me be grateful for the lesson they are teaching me. I accept the golden light of healing that is now shining on me and my family. I thank God that healing does not always come in a neat, tidy package.

Source: March 19: Anger at Family Members | Language of Letting Go

Go to the source if you’d like to read her entire post…

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Letting Go of the Need to Control

English: Black cat Another great post from Melody Beattie – this time on the topic of detachment…

The rewards from detachment are great: serenity; a deep sense of peace; the ability to give and receive love in self-enhancing, energizing ways; and the freedom to find real solutions to our problems.

— Codependent No More

Letting go of our need to control can set us and others free. It can set our Higher Power free to send the best to us.

If we weren’t trying to control someone or something, what would we be doing differently?

What would we do that we’re not letting ourselves do now? Where would we go? What would we say?

What decisions would we make?

What would we ask for? What boundaries would be set? When would we say no or yes?

If we weren’t trying to control whether a person liked us or his or her reaction to us, what would we do differently? If we weren’t trying to control the course of a relationship, what would we do differently? if we weren’t trying to con­trol another person’s behavior, how would we think, feel, speak, and behave differently than we do now?

What haven’t we been letting ourselves do while hoping that self-denial would influence a particular situation or per­son? Are there some things we’ve been doing that we’d stop?

How would we treat ourselves differently?

Would we let ourselves enjoy life more and feel better right now? Would we stop feeling so bad? Would we treat our­selves better?

If we weren’t trying to control, what would we do differ­ently? Make a list, then do it.

Today, I will ask myself what I would be doing differently if I weren’t trying to control. When I hear the answer, I will do it. God, help me let go of my need to control. Help me set myself and others free.

Source: March 18: Letting Go of the Need to Control | Language of Letting Go

Detachment is the most difficult of all recovery topics for me. I’m trying to understand the difference between trying to control and having health or reasonable expectations. Maybe there is no such thing as an expectation can have of my wife or children; not if I want to be happy or at peace anyway…

The times I have a glimpse of what detachment looks like are those times when I’m playing with my black cat Boo. I don’t expect Boo to bark like a dog or come when called. She meows and sometimes when it suits her mood she comes when called but I don’t expect her to be something that is not in her nature.

Someday I’ll write a book called ‘Everything I need to know about detachment I learned from my cat’ but I still have much to learn from her…

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Empowering

Cover of "The Language of Letting Go (Haz...Here’s a lesson from Melody Beattie I found so good I had to share it right away…

You can think. You can feel. You can solve your problems. You can take care of yourself. Those words have often benefited me more than the most profound and elaborate advice. How easy it is to fall into the trap of doubting ourselves and others. When someone tells us about a problem, what is our reaction? Do we believe we need to solve it for the person? Do we believe that that person’s future rests on our ability to advise him or her? That’s standing on shaky ground—not the stuff of which recovery is made. When someone is struggling through a feeling, or a morass of feelings, what is our reaction? That the person will never survive that experience? That it’s not okay for someone to feel? That he or she will never get through this intact? When a person is faced with the task of assuming responsibility for their life and behaviors, what is our response? That the person can’t do that? I must do it myself to save him or her from dissipating into ashes? From crumbling? From failing? What is our reaction to ourselves when we encounter a problem, a feeling, or when we face the prospect of assuming responsibility for ourselves? Do we believe in ourselves and others? Do we give power to people—including ourselves—and their abilities? Or do we give the power to the problem, the feeling, or the irresponsibility? We can learn to check ourselves out. We can learn to think, and consider our response, before we respond. “I’m sorry you’re having that problem. I know you can figure out a solution. Sounds like you’ve got some feelings going on. I know you’ll work through them and come out on the other side.” Each of us is responsible for ourselves. That does not mean we don’t care. It does not mean a cold, calculated withdrawal of our support from others. It means we learn to love and support people in ways that work. It means we learn to love and support ourselves in ways that work. It means that we connect with friends who love and support us in ways that work. To believe in people, to believe in each person’s inherent ability to think, feel, solve problems, and take care of themselves is a great gift we can give and receive from others. Today, I will strive to give and receive support that is pure and empowering. I will work at believing in myself and others—and our mutual abilities to be competent at dealing with feelings, solving problems, and taking responsibility for ourselves.

Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (pp. 73-74). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.

Me? I still struggle with thinking I can change other people or that I’m entitled to ask them to change and expect that they will. When they don’t ‘comply’, frequently I give away too much of my power. I need to accept responsibility for my own condition and get off the Crazy Train…

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Finding Our Own Truth

English: Woodland Light A shaft of sunlight fi...

Here is something I needed to hear from Melody Beattie today…

We must each discover our own truth.

It does not help us if those we love find their truth. They cannot give it to us. It does not help if someone we love knows a particular truth in our life. We must discover our truth for ourselves.

We must each discover and stand in our own light.

We often need to struggle, fail, and be confused and frus­trated. That’s how we break through our struggle; that’s how we learn what is true and right for ourselves.

We can share information with others. Others can tell us what may predictably happen if we pursue a particular course. But it will not mean anything until we integrate the message and it becomes our truth, our discovery, our knowledge.

There is no easy way to break through and find our truth. But we can and will, if we want to.

We may want to make it easier. We may nervously run to friends, asking them to give us their truth or make our dis­covery easier. They cannot. Light will shed itself in its own time.

Each of us has our own share of truth, waiting to reveal itself to us. Each of us has our own share of the light, wait­ing for us to stand in it, to claim it as ours.

Encouragement helps. Support helps. A firm belief that each person has truth available — appropriate to each situa­tion — is what will help.

Each experience, each frustration, each situation, has its own truth waiting to be revealed. Don’t give up until you find it — for yourself.

We shall be guided into truth, if we are seeking it. We are not alone.

Today, I will search for my own truth, and I will allow others to do the same. I will place value on my vision and the vision of others. We are each on the journey, making our own discoveries — the ones that are right for us today.

Source: March 16: Finding Our Own Ruth | Language of Letting Go

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Freedom

POSTER-SEEK AND FIND

Many of us were oppressed and victimized as children. As adults, we may continue to keep ourselves oppressed.

Some of us don’t recognize that caretaking and not set­ting boundaries will leave us feeling victimized.

Some of us don’t understand that thinking of ourselves as victims will leave us feeling oppressed.

Some of us don’t know that we hold the key to our own freedom. That key is honoring ourselves, and taking care of ourselves.

We can say what we mean, and mean what we say.

We can stop waiting for others to give us what we need and take responsibility for ourselves. When we do, the gates to freedom will swing wide.

Walk through.

Today, I will understand that I hold the key to my freedom. I will stop participating in my oppression and victimization. I will take responsibility for myself, and let others do as they may.

Source: March 9: Freedom | Language of Letting Go

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Taking care of Ourselves

Places of Self-Care

More Melody Beattie for those who can benefit from it…

We often refer to recovery from codependency and adult child issues as “self-care.” Self-care is not, as some may think, a spin-off of the “me generation.” It isn’t self-indulgence. It isn’t selfishness — in the negative interpretation of that word.

We’re learning to take care of ourselves, instead of obses­sively focusing on another person. We’re learning self-responsibility, instead of feeling excessively responsible for others. Self-care also means tending to our true responsi­bilities to others; we do this better when we’re not feeling overly responsible.

Self-care sometimes means, “me first,” but usually, “me too.” It means we are responsible for ourselves and can choose to no longer be victims.

Self-care means learning to love the person we’re respon­sible for taking care of — ourselves. We do not do this to hibernate in a cocoon of isolation and self-indulgence; we do it so we can better love others, and learn to let them love us.

Self-care isn’t selfish; it’s self-esteem.

Today, God, help me love myself. Help me let go of feeling exces­sively responsible for those around me. Show me what I need to do to take care of myself and be appropriately responsible to others.

Source: March 8: Taking care of Ourselves | Language of Letting Go

Take care of your self today!

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Using Others to Stop Our Pain

Cover of "The Language of Letting Go (Haz...
Cover via Amazon
Melody Beattie has some thoughts I wanted to share with you this morning…

Our happiness is not a present someone else holds in his or her hands. Our well-being is not held by another to be given or withheld at whim. If we reach out and try to force someone to give us what we believe he or she holds, we will be disappointed. We will discover that it is an illusion. The person didn’t hold it. He or she never shall. That beautifully wrapped box with the ribbon on it that we believed contained our happiness that someone was holding — it’s an illusion!

In those moments when we are trying to reach out and force someone to stop our pain and create our joy, if we can find the courage to stop flailing about and instead stand still and deal with our issues, we will find our happiness.

Yes, it is true that if someone steps on our foot, he or she is hurting us and therefore holds the power to stop our pain by removing his or her foot. But the pain is still ours. And so is the responsibility to tell someone to stop stepping on our feet.

Healing will come when were aware of how we attempt to use others to stop our pain and create our happiness. We will heal from the past. We will receive insights that can change the course of our relationships.

We will see that, all along, our happiness and our well­being have been in our hands. We have held that box. The contents are ours for the opening.

God, help me remember that I hold the key to my own happiness. Give me the courage to stand still and deal with my own feelings. Give me the insights I need to improve my relationships. Help me stop doing the codependent dance and start doing the dance of recovery.

Source: March 1: Using Others to Stop Out Pain | Language of Letting Go

Here’s the dirty little secret. This blog is only a public scrapbook of the things I need to remember for myself. If it happens to resonate with anyone else that’s a blessing as well. Did anyone else need to hear this today?

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Getting love

The Rolling Stones' "Tongue and Lip Desig...

Some good thoughts from Melody Beattie that I wanted to share with you this morning…

I know. We didn’t get loved the way we wanted. Some of us have spent years picking through the messy issues of parents who had unusual ways of showing love or who didn’t show love at all.

We may have had spouses who were dreadful at showing love. Issues like alcoholism and other dysfunc­tions can genuinely interfere with a person’s ability to love. Some of us took that personally.We looked around and the only conclusion we could come up with is that we weren’t lovable.

Some of us need to grieve the absence of love in our family of origin. We may have missed an important emo­tional lesson while growing up, and we barely realize it. That lesson is understanding how lovable we are.

Some of us learned to protect ourselves by caring for others, while refusing to let love into our own lives. We found that it is easier to shut down and not be open to love, rather than be denied love.

After a while, we stop seeing the love that is there for us. We refuse the small gestures that may mean a tremen­dous amount to the person offering them. These gestures include words of concern, support, understanding, assis­tance, kindness, or a genuine expression of like or love. If we don’t believe we’re lovable, if we’re not open to seeing and receiving love, we’re going to miss more than just the love we missed in our childhood. We’re going to miss the love that is available for us now.

Challenge: The hardest part about letting people give us love can be softening that tough shell enough to let the gentle words and acts of love sink in.

Source: February 24 | Language of Letting Go

I have found, too, that expectations can be a problem for me. If I’m expecting more, sometimes I miss what is there. Remember the words of the great philosophers The Rolling Stones “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need.”

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Being right

Cover of "The Language of Letting Go (Haz...
Cover via Amazon

In recovery, we are learning how to strive for love in our relationships, not superiority. Yes, we may need to make decisions about people’s behavior from time to time. If someone is hurting us, we need to stand up for ourselves. We have a responsibility to set boundaries and take care of ourselves. But we do not need to justify taking care of ourselves by condemning someone else. We can avoid the trap of focusing on others instead of ourselves. In recovery, we are learning that what we do needs to be right only for us. What others do is their business and needs to be right only for them. It’s tempting to rest in the superiority of being right and in analyzing other people’s motives and actions, but it’s more rewarding to look deeper. Today, I will remember that I don’t have to hide behind being right. I don’t have to justify what I want and need with saying something is “right” or “wrong.” I can let myself be who I am.

Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (p. 47). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.

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Valentine’s Day

Valentine postcard, circa 1900–1910
Image via Wikipedia

For children, Valentine’s Day means candy hearts, silly cards, and excitement in the air. How different Valentine’s Day can be for us as adults. The Love Day can be a symbol that we have not yet gotten love to work for us as we would like. Or it can be a symbol of something different, something better. We are in recovery now. We have begun the healing process. Our most painful relationships, we have learned, have assisted us on the journey to healing, even if they did little more than point out our own issues or show us what we don’t want in our life. We have started the journey of learning to love ourselves. We have started the process of opening our heart to love, real love that flows from us, to others, and back again. Do something loving for yourself. Do something loving and fun for your friends, for your children, or for anyone you choose. It is the Love Day. Wherever we are in our healing process, we can have as much fun with it as we choose. Whatever our circumstances, we can be grateful that our heart is opening to love. I will open myself to the love available to me from people, the Universe, and my Higher Power today. I will allow myself to give and receive the love I want today. I am grateful that my heart is healing, that I am learning to love.

Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (pp. 43-44). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.

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