Tag: Self-Help

Don’t blame them! It’s not their fault…

Mastin Kipp

Keen insite this morning from Mastin Kipp of The Daily Love…

Many times in relationships we love to blame the other person.

We like to blame them for not loving us the way we want to be loved, or for not making us enough of a priority, or for being too stubborn and on and on.

Then we start giving names to the way we interpret others actions. So instead of saying: “Hey, I’d really appreciate it if you let me figure it out on my own,” or “The way I really feel loved is when you (fill in the blank)”. When we are lacking, we say: “You’re a jerk”, or assume that they don’t love us.

So instead of expressing how we feel, we blame, judge and then convict the other person of being guilty. Then we project our verdict onto them and wonder why they react negatively and then use that negative reaction as further proof that our verdict was in fact, correct.

Instead of blaming and judging, if we can open up, become vulnerable and EXPRESS our feelings and needs, we give the other person an opportunity to course correct and with this new information.

And, if over time we are expressing our needs and feelings and they aren’t being seen, have the courage to pick up our things and leave. That’s the Master’s path – vulnerability and courage.

It might seem scary, but showing emotion and expressing your needs is how you build intimacy. And having high standards and the courage to maintain them is how you make sure that only the best kind of relationships remains in your life.

It’s the mark of a Master to no longer blame the other person, but instead to see the other person as a mirror of his or her own life. It’s the mark of a Master to share his or her feelings, rather than blaming someone else for not meeting the needs that were never expressed in the first place. It’s the mark of a Master who is strong enough to walk away from a broken and unfulfilled kind of love if his or her needs and emotions aren’t being seen. It’s the mark of a Master to be able to also meet the needs of their partner.

When you see the current relationships of your life as not a victim, but as a mirror of your own life, you can begin to take empowered action.

So, you say you want love, yes?

Then whatcha gonna do today? Blame them? Or express yourself and set loving boundaries?

Do you want to keep going round in the dramatic circle of blame or do you want to step into the loving flow of vulnerable expression?

The choice is yours. What’ll it be?

via thedailylove.com
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The If, Then Game

Gendun Drup, 1st Dalai Lama
Image via Wikipedia
I’d like to share part of this post from Alissa Finerman with you…

Starting early in life we learn the power of if … then statements in a very simple and seemingly innocuous way. For example, in math class we use if … then statements to learn logic. If a = b and b = c, then a = c.

The if … then game goes on and on. We play it in every area of our life – relationships, career, healthy living, and finances.

 If I am in a relationship, then I’ll be happy.

If I get a new job, then I’ll be happy.

If I lose weight, then I’ll be happy.

If I make more money, then I’ll be happy.

Society and the media influence our mind to think with a set of conditions that help us make sense and draw logical conclusions (this is helpful). But somewhere along the line, we screw up the logic and substitute our own set of conditions that do not follow and, therefore, result in irrational conclusions (this is unhelpful).  It’s important to note that happiness doesn’t require any if … then conditions. The Dalai Lama believes happiness is a choice.

Often, we create a situation in our mind, such as being happy, and make it dependent on another event. But in reality, this state of well-being is not dependent on any set of conditions other than our own mindset and perspective right now.  Things such as a starting a new relationship, getting promoted, making more money, losing weight do not necessarily equal happiness.  Happiness is available, right here – right now – in this moment, whether you are going through a major life transition or in the greatest relationship of your life. It doesn’t depend on anyone but you. By definition, if … then statements take you out of the present moment and steer your focus to the future.

via thedailylove.com

Follow the ‘via’ link above if you’d like to read the rest…

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Why You Should Learn By Doing

Learn to Skate
Image by wuperruper via Flickr

Do you enjoy learning new things? I certainly do.In particular, I enjoy about learning new ways to better myself and my relationships with others. When I first started on this quest I couldn’t get enough. I read about it all the time on blogs, online magazines and in books. There came a point where everything I read was just a slightly different version of the same thing. I was stuck.

I felt as though I had run out of things to read and ideas to try, yet I didn’t feel any better. I didn’t feel as though I was a better person or that my relationships with others had improved at all. There was something missing. It was the doing.

It wasn’t until I actually started applying what I had learned in the personal development realm to my own life that it started to make a difference. All the lessons, all the truths were suddenly having an impact. There was a huge difference in simply knowing it vs. actually doing it.

If you read all the books, blogs and articles on ice skating you would likely think it’s pretty easy, and it is … in theory. But strap on some skates and step on the ice for the very first time and my bets are that you’d be sitting on the ice a whole lot more than you’d be gracefully gliding around on it. It boils down to the old saying that practice makes perfect.

via dumblittleman.com

Here’s another reason I’ve found for ‘learning new things by doing’ — it makes me more sensitive to the learners in my life by reminding me how hard it can be to try anything new. What about you?

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