Our aim should be to not seek and chase for Love, but to BE IT. This means self-love first. True Love isn’t setting HUGE expectations on someone else that they always make you happy and fulfilled.
True Love is being so full of self-love and the Love of The Uni-verse that you have more than enough Love to hold your own darkness and light and the darkness and light of the other people. True Love is radical acceptance of yourself and the person you are in a relationship with.
Looking for someone to complete you is to deny your innate potential to be an already full and integrated being. You are giving someone else a power that only you have.
How To Be A Supportive Partner (And What You Gain As A Result)
Shelly Bullard writes:
Sometimes we fail to support our partners in becoming the best versions of the of themselves because we’re scared of what that means for us. What if he wants something I don’t want? What if her desire takes her away from me?
We fear if he learns to fly, he might fly away. So we hold our partners back, sometimes without even knowing it. This strategy always backfires – it ends up holding our relationships back, as well.
But there’s a way to feel safe enough to support your partner to fly, and why doing so will take your relationship to new heights of love.
Get the rest of the article here: How To Be A Supportive Partner (And What You Gain As A Result)
I love Shelly’s writing — always powerful and prescient! You can find more of her stuff here…
Related articles
- Top 7 signs your love relationship is struggling (insideawarenessblog.wordpress.com)
- Create The Relationship You Deserve (howdidwegettohere.wordpress.com)
- Healing Broken Trust in Your Relationship (peopleliferelationship.wordpress.com)
- Fixing a Broken Relationship (thesbworld.wordpress.com)
Make love of yourself perfect…
You are perfect, only you don’t know it.
Learn to know yourself and you will discover wonders.
All you need is already within you, only you must approach yourself with reverence and love.
Self-condemnation and self-distrust are grievous errors.
Your constant flight from pain and search for pleasure is a sign of the love you bear for yourself;
all I plead with you is this: make love of yourself perfect.
Deny yourself nothing – give yourself infinity and eternity and discover that
you do not need them; you are beyond.Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
Instruction on Love
Beth Lapides writes:
These are the instructions for love that I have been given. Love yourself. Love something bigger than yourself. Love something smaller than yourself. Love something the same size as yourself. Love as a verb, not a noun. Not a thing, an action. Love whoever comes into your path and seek out those for whom your love is abiding.
Love without resentment something you both love and resent. Love without anger someone you both love and are angry with. Love your anger and resentment if this is not possible.
Love what might be without knowing what it is. For today think of possibility, not uncertainty. Love the absence of trouble in whatever areas your life is trouble-free. Love your troubles, as they are agents of change.
Love the part of you that you love easily with the part of you that you love less so. Love a part of you that is hard to love with a part of you that you love easily. Continue reading “Instruction on Love”
Who Are You (Really)?
Shelly Bullard writes:
What masks are you wearing? What I mean by this is, what are the ways you’re hiding from the world? How do you veer away from your authentic self? How do you change or alter yourself in relationships? The answers to these questions can be very telling as to why you aren’t feeling happy, complete, or fully embodied in your life.
Your mask has a lot of different names: the “false self,” the “conditioned self,” the “learned self,” the “ego.” Basically what it is is the version of you that is not authentic. We all have this version of ourselves (and some of us have many versions, one for every occasion). The fact that you have a false self is nothing to feel ashamed of. It is, however, a part of yourself that you might want to get to know; especially because happiness comes from learning how to take your mask off.
Here’s a short history of where your false self came from. We all received messages (overtly or covertly) when we were young about how to be in the world: “you should or shouldn’t be, act, feel, think” a certain way. Naturally we internalized these messages to mean that we needed to be different than who we really are to be accepted. Hence the birth of the false self (good girls, bad boys, etc etc).
Unfortunately many of us have never taken those masks off–we are still walking around as an altered version of our real selves. This causes us to feel like something is “off;” either our relationships don’t feel fulfilling or we feel a little fraudulent or incomplete. If you feel “off” in a general way it’s a good indication that your false self has taken over. It’s time to take back the reins.
One of the most common places for a false self to appear is in romantic relationships. Why? Because romance makes us vulnerable, vulnerability makes us scared, and when we are scared we want to put our masks on! We do this for two reasons: #1 we think that altering ourselves is a way to get people to approve of us (like when we were young) and #2 we believe that hiding behind a mask keeps us safe. Neither are actually true. Really all your mask does is make you feel distant from others. It is a protective measure that backfires in a big way; rather than helping you, it just keeps your authentic greatness hidden from the world.
Your mask is not the real you! The real you is behind all that altering and changing. The real you is your essence, your authentic self, your SOUL. Your Soul may be hidden behind a bunch of stuff, behind the masks, but it’s there. And it’s waiting for you to make contact. Ask yourself these questions to realign with your true self:
- Who am I really? (really, really)
- What do I stand for?
- What is my purpose?
- What is my message?
- What am I here to do? (like, on this planet type-of here!)
- What is important to me?
- What is my gift? What do I want to create?
- What inspires me?
- What do I really love?
Now live your life according to your answers! Is it always easy? No! It’s vulnerable as hell! But it’s worth it. Trust me. The fact is you are going to feel limited in your connections if you are mainly operating with a mask on. Your mask hides you–it keeps you at a distance. So in order to really start living your life, you have to start showing up in a more authentic way.
Let yourself out! Greatness does not come from hiding. You have greatness within you and it’s dying to be set free. So show the world who you are. We’re all waiting to see…
Love People For Who They Are
There is something magical that happens when you tell someone you love them just the way they are. In my experience, it gives me freedom from beating myself up over past mistakes and contrary to what you might think, it makes me want to be even better! My life partner, however, thinks that it means that I’ll stop trying so she’ll never say the words “I love you just the way you are”. The answer for me anyway is that I need to love MYSELF for who I am, not for who I will be someday…
“Yes” Doesn’t Count if you can’t say “No” – Why Clear Boundaries are Important in Intimate Relationships
I found this over at Psychology Today:
Most people think of an ideal romantic relationship as a union of two inseparable beings forged into one heart, one mind, and one dream. If either partner has a conflicting desire, he or she too often does not express it. They consciously or unconsciously choose to protect the fantasy of perfect compatibility, but may not realize the limitations that are wedded to that decision.
Eventual conflicts are not as noticeable early when relationships are new. The joy of new discovery and lustful connection often eclipse any disagreements that might arise. Newly-in-love partners too often do not want to know anything about each other that could threaten the perfection they cherish. Both may choose to leave well enough alone even if the result is incomplete or inauthentic communication. In the void of unexpressed conflicts, the partners often want to maintain the illusion of a perfect match.“He finishes my sentences before I even know what I’m going to say.”
“She anticipates what I want before I tell her.”
“We agree on everything. It’s amazing.”
“It’s so easy to be together. We love all the same things.”
Sadly, those constructed realities of perfect compatibility cannot sustain over time. People cannot feel genuinely loved if their partners are not aware of the other’s core feelings and desires. They can only keep renewing their love if they can face their conflicts openly and work through them.
That requires that both partners are willing to follow these six principles:
They are able to say what they need from their partners
They know what they are able to offer
They honestly share those thoughts and feelings
They listen to their partner’s needs without becoming defensive
They have or are willing to learn the skills to negotiate their differences
They respect each other’s conflicting desires
To make these principles work, partners must be clear from the beginning of their relationship to set clear boundaries that they both agree to honor. Boundaries are like the borders between countries. They can be barriers to communication and cooperation, or viable interfaces for exchanging ideas and resources.
When beautifully used in intimate relationships, they are symbolic lines of demarcation that help partners understand their differences while they seek whatever ways are necessary to authentically connect. Only the acceptance of those known similarities and differences can keep partners truly validating their mutual needs.
Healthy boundaries should be fluid and openly susceptible to changes by either partner during any time in their relationship. They hopefully know or are willing to learn what is personally important to them and make every effort to share those thoughts with each other. By working together over time, they learn to quickly recognize when they are in agreement, when they need to negotiate, and when they must turn down a request that could destroy their personal integrity.” Get more here: “Yes” Doesn’t Count if you can’t say “No” – Why Clear Boundaries are Important in Intimate Relationships | Psychology Today.
Your Other Half Is Within You!
Jenna Phillips writes:
We LOVE love. We write poems about it. We sing songs about it. We create lines that wrap around the building to watch the latest film about it.
We crave it, want it and search for it on a daily basis. At times, the search for our idealistic love – or soul mate – can be exhausting and disappointing. We go on unfulfilling dates and wonder why our fantasy of meeting our life partner while we both reach for the same apple at farmers’ market hasn’t happened yet. We people-watch and measure up possible contenders for the position of our “other half”. You know – that person who will complete us, make us happy or fulfill our innermost desires.
Jeez! That’s a whole lot of pressure to put on another person, and giving anyone that kind of power takes away from our own. What if you were to realize, in this exact moment, that you are 100% fulfilled? Yes, your other half is already within you. There is no separation of the incredible being that you’ve always been. Your authentic Self is whole and complete.
The truest part about your existence is pure love. You already have it within you, and you’ve had it all along. You don’t need to go find it from someone else to feel or be loved. It’s no one else’s job to make sure you smile. You can smile whenever you want. Smile right now. Do it! See how great that feels? That was actually 100% your choice. I didn’t make you do it. That choice was entirely up to you.
We have the ability, the power and the choice to acknowledge that we are perfect RIGHT NOW. When we accept that we are fulfilled, lovable and powerful – we seem to attract people who, in fact, add to those qualities. When we search for people to bring us up and out of our state of misery, we attract people who reflect exactly that. Instead of searching for love, own it. Instead of talking about it, BE about it. Instead of complaining about it, celebrate it.
Every person we encounter is a perfect reflection of what’s going on within us. Instead of looking for someone, and then trying to mold them into a “perfect something” we want to look at, what about splashing water on our own face? What about combing our own hair and straightening our own shirt? What about choosing to be the best versions of ourselves?
Well, luckily for us, since everyone is our reflection we get to look at LOVE, beauty, awesomeness and fulfillment if we choose to BE all of that. True love starts with YOU. Search no more.” via Your Other Half Is Within You!.
Imperfection
Mastin Kipp writes:
“We learn from Tony Robbins that everyone’s core fear is that they are not enough, and that because they aren’t enough, they won’t get Love. And LOVE is the oxygen of the Soul.
This much we know already.
But then I thought about what made me successful and what made so many people I know successful and what I love about my favorite characters. And there was always something in common.
The imperfect person overcomes. It boils down to that.
So I had an “ah-ha!” on the phone with my client and I blurted out, “We become successful by admitting we are not perfect, rather than trying to be perfect and thinking that we’re not enough.”
And I think this about sums it up.” via OK, I just had a MAJOR AHA moment! Check it out!.
Is Your Spouse Really Your Best Friend?
A few weeks ago I curated an article from Michael Hyatt on ‘How to be your spouse’s best friend’. A few days ago, I found this article in Psychology Today by author Isadora Alman who has an interesting perspective and some good advice:
With any client’s first visit, usually presenting with some aspect of a relationship concern, I always review other aspects of their life – general health, the work he or she does and feelings about it, other people in their life (family, friends), what recreational activities are pursued, and if the person has enough time for him or herself. Almost always the answer to this last question is “no”. While all the other aspects of a life I ask about may have some bearing on a relationship issue, this last one always does.
Most of us these days lead frantic lives with demands for time coming at us from all directions. Priorities have to be assigned and almost always personal needs beyond the most basic of food and sleep are often swept aside. Even then, many people are not eating well or getting enough sleep so a half hour a day to simply take a deep breath of fresh air is just not there. Time to connect with a partner about how your day went or what’s on your mind in general is left, if it happens at all, to a few groggy moments before sleep takes over.
Let’s say, however, that one does manage to schedule a movie or a meal out. What if your partner prefers a different movie than the one you want to see, or a different type of restaurant food? What if he or she would prefer not to go to a movie at all but to a sports event or an art museum? Do you forego what you want for the sake of couple harmony? If so, no wonder you might be feeling lonely although coupled. You’re living your life via someone else’s choices rather than your own.
An oversimplification perhaps, but I strongly feel that you need to be your own best friend. Your own needs must be given some priority so that, as a fulfilled person, you can then be in a position to be more generous with your partner and others around you. If you’re feeling lonely and not getting the support, sympathy or help from your spouse that is the very definition of friendship, look elsewhere – for a friend, usually same sex, and not place that burden of such expectations entirely on your spouse. If you are feeling too much closeness within the coupled bonds, take what space you need for maximum enjoyment of life….and for maximum enjoyment of your partnership as well. Two people who each have their needs met, who take responsibility of fulfilling their own needs, will make much better and more interesting partners to each other.
Source: Is Your Spouse Really Your Best Friend? | Psychology Today
Letting the Cycles Flow
Melody Beattie writes:
Life is cyclical, not static. Our relationships benefit when we allow them to follow their own natural cycles.
Like the tide ebbs and flows, so do the cycles in relationships. We have periods of closeness and periods of distance. We have times of coming together and times of separating to work on individual issues.
We have times of love and joy, and times of anger.
Sometimes, the dimensions of relationships change as we go through changes. Sometimes, life brings us new friends or a new loved one to teach us the next lesson.
That does not mean the old friend disappears forever. It means we have entered a new cycle.
We do not have to control the course of our relationships, whether these be friendships or love relationships. We do not have to satisfy our need to control by imposing a static form on relationships.
Let it flow. Be open to the cycles. Love will not disappear. The bond between friends will not sever. Things do not remain the same forever, especially when we are growing and changing at such a rapid pace.
Trust the flow. Take care of yourself, but be willing to let people go. Hanging on to them too tightly will make them disappear.
The old adage about love still holds true: “If it’s meant to be, it will be. And if you love someone, let them go. If they come back to you, the love is yours.”
Today, I accept the cyclical nature of life and relationships. I will strive to go with the flow. I will strive for harmony with my own needs and the needs of the other person.” via June 15: Letting the Cycles Flow.
Related articles
- Hanging on to Old Relationships (toddlohenry.com)
- Sadness (toddlohenry.com)
- Affirm Yourself… (toddlohenry.com)
- Loving Ourselves Unconditionally (toddlohenry.com)
- Rise to the Occasion (toddlohenry.com)
- On attachments… (toddlohenry.com)
- Sadness (toddlohenry.com)
- …on Taking One Day at a Time (toddlohenry.com)
- “That’s My Story and I’m Sticking to It” – An Interview with Melody Beattie (wheretheclientis.com)
Practice Rapture
What if the measure of our value in this lifetime is not…
- how tidy we kept our car
- whether our kid’s nose had snot crusted on it
- how flat our stomach was
- the number of zeroes in our bank account
But how diligently we practice rapture? Not perfectly, but devotedly studying passion.” via Practice Rapture: Ecstatic Sensual Poetry from Mirabai – The Hot Love Revolution: Monogamy is the hottest place on earth.…
PS Michele Christensen, the woman who wrote this post, is one of the hottest, sexiest bloggers on the planet and she writes about the joy of monogomy at http://hotloverevolution.com/. Follow her blog — you’ll love it…
Loving Ourselves Unconditionally
More Melody Beattie:
“Love yourself into health and a good life of your own.
Love yourself into relationships that work for you and the other person. Love yourself into peace, happiness, joy, success, and contentment.
Love yourself into all that you always wanted. We can stop treating ourselves the way others treated us, if they behaved in a less than healthy, desirable way. If we have learned to see ourselves critically, conditionally, and in a diminishing and punishing way, it’s time to stop. Other people treated us that way, but it’s even worse to treat ourselves that way now.
Loving ourselves may seem foreign, even foolish at times. People may accuse us of being selfish. We don’t have to believe them.
People who love themselves are truly able to love others and let others love them. People who love themselves and hold themselves in high esteem are those who give the most, contribute the most, and love the most.
How do we love ourselves? By forcing it at first. By faking it, if necessary. By acting as if. By working as hard at loving and liking ourselves as we have at not liking ourselves.
Explore what it means to love yourself.
Do things for yourself that reflect compassionate, nurturing, self love.
Embrace and love all of yourself – past, present, and future. Forgive yourself quickly and as often as necessary. Encourage yourself. Tell yourself good things about yourself.
If we think and believe negative ideas, get them out in the open quickly and honestly, so we can replace those beliefs with better ones.
Pat yourself on the back when necessary. Discipline yourself when necessary. Ask for help, for time; ask for what you need.
Sometimes, give yourself treats. Do not treat yourself like a pack mule, always pushing and driving harder. Learn to be good to yourself. Choose behaviors with preferable consequences – treating yourself well is one.
Learn to stop your pain, even when that means making difficult decisions. Do not unnecessarily deprive yourself. Sometimes, give yourself what you want, just because you want it.
Stop explaining and justifying yourself. When you make mistakes, let them go. We learn, we grow, and we learn some more. And through it all, we love ourselves.
We work at it, and then work at it some more. One day we’ll wake up, look in the mirror, and find that loving ourselves has become habitual. We’re now living with a person who gives and receives love, because that person loves him or herself. Self-love will take hold and become a guiding force in our life.
Today, I will work at loving myself. I will work as hard at loving myself as I have at not liking myself. Help me let go of self-hate and behaviors that reflect not liking myself. Help me replace those with behaviors that reflect self-love. Today, God, help me hold myself in high self-esteem. Help me know I’m lovable and capable of giving and receiving love.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.” via the language of letting go | Tumblr.
Warning! Video: NSFW…
It’s Not What You’re Seeing – It’s Who You’re BEING That Counts!
I wanted to share SOME of Mastin Kipp’s thoughts with you this morning, but once I got started, I didn’t know where to stop to I curated his entire post for you – it’s that good…
Let’s be SUPER clear about something: it’s not what you DO that matters – it’s who you ARE that matters!
In today’s world, we can get SO caught up in DOING! And we focus on the outward, the job, the career, the money, being important, etc., etc.
And then we come to a time, a breaking point, where all that stuff doesn’t seem to matter so much and we just want to be happy. We could find this breaking point at a young age or at an old age. But at SOME POINT, achievement isn’t enough; we want to be happy dammit!
And this is where the “spiritual” path begins. I say “spiritual” because it’s not really something to take so seriously. If we meditate perfectly, wear all the garb perfectly, chant perfectly, eat vegan, gluten-free and have our green juice, but we don’t have LOVE in our hearts, then we’ve missed the whole damn point.
I’d rather hang out with a Love-centered meat eating “not so spiritual person” than a passive aggressive righteous vegan who has the perfect yoga practice and a perfectly fitting lululemon outfit on.
Don’t get it twisted – the ego finds its sly way into the path. And all the rites and rituals don’t mean a DARN THING if we don’t have Love in our hearts. And if we have Love in our hearts and are being Love, then we don’t need the rites and rituals unless we want to do them because they help to remind us to BE LOVE.
It is in our BEING that we find ourselves and our purpose, not in our DOING. You can have all the material possessions in the world and still be lonely as hell, and you can be broke as a mofo and have Love and be the richest person in the world. Me, I want both! I want to have amazingly abundant material possessions, but first and foremost, I want to keep Love and connection in my heart and remain humble within physical abundance.
But the stuff, the form doesn’t freakin matter! What matters is who we are. What matters is how we show up. What matters is the place that we come from in our thoughts, ideas and communications. What matters is if we are serving or not. What matters is crucifying our egos day in and day out (not because it’s the enemy), but so our hearts can shine through.
Living from the heart space is the goal. And when we get there, nothing else is needed because we realize on an experiential level that we are guided and cared for by The Uni-verse. That all our needs are met and that even though life doesn’t turn out how we want it to, that life turns out how we need it to and that is SO FREAKIN RAD!
The ego’s desires PALE in comparison to what The Uni-verse has in store for you. Your ego can’t dream that big, or Love that big or imagine itself being used for THAT much service.
It’s not what you’re doing – it’s who you’re being that counts.
Source: It’s Not What You’re Seeing – It’s Who You’re BEING That Counts!
See what I mean?
Make you feel my love
When the rain is blowing in your face
and the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
to make you feel my love…
When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
to make you feel my love…
Love what you’re doing and love it in front of others
“You rarely have time for everything you want in this life, so you need to make choices. And hopefully your choices can come from a deep sense of who you are.
The thing I remember best about successful people I’ve met all through the years is their obvious delight in what they’re doing and it seems to have very little to do with worldly success. They just love what they’re doing, and they love it in front of others.” ~ Fred Rogers
Source: Love What You’re Doing and Love it in Front of Others | Escape Adulthood with Kim & Jason
A powerful three-step algorithm for happiness
Another powerful post from Leo Babauta…
Today I’m going to share a really simple secret that can make your day instantly better. If you’re feeling down, it can make you happier, all day long.
It’s something I’ve been trying myself, with great results.
It’s three steps, and anyone can do them. This is an algorithm that can be repeated over and over, all day long. It starts with a basic assumption: that we are all human beings capable of goodness, of love, of pain, of broken hearts and passionate love. That we all have bad days, that inside our jaded exteriors is a person who just wants love.
It is based on my observation that we take other people for granted, and that we judge others and become irritated with them for almost no good reasons, and we expect everyone to make us happy or at least behave the way we want them to, and if they don’t, our day is ruined. That’s crazy. People are living their own lives, and aren’t trying to please us or act in accordance with our expectations, and once we accept that, we can be happy.
Here are the three steps. They might sound silly to some of you, but I urge you to give them a try. For just one day. Even just an hour. They are powerful, and they work.
Source: » A Powerful Three-Step Algorithm for Happiness :zenhabits
Go to the source if you’d like the 3 steps…
On attachments…
Melody Beattie shares this today…
A friend called me one day. His shiny new car was in the garage for repairs again. “I should have gotten a truck, something practical, that would start every day and get me to work,” he said. “If ever, ever I start screaming that I have to have something and can’t live without it, start screaming back at me until I stop.”
What’s attached to your self-esteem? Continue reading “On attachments…”
Bright, shiny objects! 
You must be logged in to post a comment.