Tag: Relationships

Recognizing Feelings

Notes in a Moleskine notebook
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Take out a sheet of paper. On the top of it write, “If it was okay to feel whatever I’m feeling, and I wouldn’t be judged as bad or wrong, what would I be feeling?” Then write whatever comes to mind. You can also use the favorite standby of many people in discovering their feelings: writing or journaling. You can keep a diary, write letters you don’t intend to send, or just scribble thoughts onto a note pad. Watch and listen to yourself as an objective third person might.

Listen to your tone of voice and the words you use. What do you hear? Sadness, fear, anger, happiness? What is your body telling you? Is it tense and rigid with anger? Running with fear? Heavy with sadness and grief? Dancing with joy?

Talking to people in recovery helps too. Going to meetings helps. Once we feel safe, many of us find that we open up naturally and with ease to our feelings.

We are on a continual treasure hunt in recovery. One of the treasures we’re seeking is the emotional part of ourselves. We don’t have to do it perfectly. We need only be honest, open, and willing to try. Our emotions are there waiting to share themselves with us.

Today, I will watch myself and listen to myself as I go through my day. I will not judge myself for what I’m feeling; I will accept myself.

via melodybeattie.com
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Become What You Want To Date or Marry

ジンジャー&レモンマートルティー 2011.9.16
Image by Poran111 via Flickr

Written from a women’s perspective and full of wisdom…

#1 – Look in your relationship mirror

If you’re in an unhealthy relationship or with someone that is not fulfilling you, look in the mirror.  What do you see in them that you yourself own? [sic]  If they’re cold and distant, well maybe you share that quality in your life, or perhaps are accepting that quality because you feel you deserve it.  It’s important to understand the reason why we attract people who are not satisfying us and better yet, why we stay.

#2 – Mate “Must-Haves”

Time to get out a pen and piece of paper…it’s “list” time.  You’re going to make a list of all the attributes that are a “must” in a future mate.  Make two columns on a piece of paper.  Title the left column “must have qualities in a mate”…and then start listing them (i.e. family oriented, hardworking, funny, etc.) Once you’re done, turn to the right column and title it – “qualities in me”.  Then go down the list you made for your mate and check off those traits that you yourself have. Those traits that are left unchecked, if they’re really important to you, then work on creating them in your own life (for instance, if you want a man who is sensitive, yet you hold your feelings close to your chest, work on opening up).  After you’re done with this list, run it by a friend for an objective view.

#3 – Be realistic

Let’s be honest, you’re not going to be able to tell if the man you just met (whether online or in person) has all of your must-have mate qualities upfront.  Give it time…after a few dates you will see if you start checking those must-have traits off the list.  Also, while looking out for those traits, be open to other qualities that may be attractive to you as well.  It’s also important to know that one mate will not obtain ALL your must-have traits.  So pick 3-4 that are truly must-haves and leave the rest for ‘nice-to-haves’.

It’s crucial in this process of finding our life-long mate to be aware of the qualities you find attractive in someone else that you can also find them in yourself. First and foremost, you need to be that ‘person’ for yourself!

via thedailylove.com

“First and foremost, you need to be that ‘person’ for yourself!” True dat…

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5 Traits of a Good Marriage

Hindu marriage ceremony from a Rajput wedding.
Image via Wikipedia

Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, say in their book, When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages, that there are 5 traits of a healthy, life-long marriage: ownership, hope, empathy, forgiveness, and commitment. Here is a summary of each of those characteristics.

1. Ownership: Taking Responsibility

Often, couples believe their problems are the result of the other person’s actions.  It’s easy to avoid responsibility for our problems by blaming someone else.  But in the long-haul, admitting mistakes and owning up to our part of the problem is the single most powerful predictor of turning something bad into something good. Couples need to realize that it’s not who’s wrong, but what’s wrong that counts.

2. Hope:  Believing that Good Ultimately Triumphs

The foundation of hope is belief.  We must believe that the kind of marriage we want is possible.  Hope keeps love alive.  Stop hoping and marriage dies.

3. Empathy:  Walking in your Spouse’s Shoes

A spouse must be aware of what their spouse is feeling and what’s behind that feeling.  Empathy involves both the head and the heart. Many of us do one or the other pretty well; we either feel our partner’s pain with our heart, or we try to solve their problem with our head.  To do both can be a challenge.  But that is what empathy is all about.

4. Forgiveness:  Healing the Wounds

In a good marriage, both husbands and wives are quick to ask for forgiveness and to grant forgiveness. The simple words, “I was wrong. Will you please forgive me?” are magical in marriage. Forgiveness was designed to heal the deepest wounds of a human heart.

5. Commitment: Loving for Life

No matter how long a couple has been married, commitment may be the most effective tool good marriages use in battling bad things. Without commitment and the trust it engenders, marriages would have little hope of lasting.

In the face of difficulty, the key is to stay committed to your spouse and work together. Sit down with your spouse tonight and discuss how you are doing in each of these categories.

via markmerrill.com

As the Apostle Paul said “Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.” I’m struggling with many of these issues right now, trying to do the right thing with my wife despite manipulation from her family. Don’t they realize we have enough drama in our lives without more from their Karpman Drama Triangle?! Apparently not — the problem is that other people are unmanageable and the only thing I can manage is me…

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Don’t blame them! It’s not their fault…

Mastin Kipp

Keen insite this morning from Mastin Kipp of The Daily Love…

Many times in relationships we love to blame the other person.

We like to blame them for not loving us the way we want to be loved, or for not making us enough of a priority, or for being too stubborn and on and on.

Then we start giving names to the way we interpret others actions. So instead of saying: “Hey, I’d really appreciate it if you let me figure it out on my own,” or “The way I really feel loved is when you (fill in the blank)”. When we are lacking, we say: “You’re a jerk”, or assume that they don’t love us.

So instead of expressing how we feel, we blame, judge and then convict the other person of being guilty. Then we project our verdict onto them and wonder why they react negatively and then use that negative reaction as further proof that our verdict was in fact, correct.

Instead of blaming and judging, if we can open up, become vulnerable and EXPRESS our feelings and needs, we give the other person an opportunity to course correct and with this new information.

And, if over time we are expressing our needs and feelings and they aren’t being seen, have the courage to pick up our things and leave. That’s the Master’s path – vulnerability and courage.

It might seem scary, but showing emotion and expressing your needs is how you build intimacy. And having high standards and the courage to maintain them is how you make sure that only the best kind of relationships remains in your life.

It’s the mark of a Master to no longer blame the other person, but instead to see the other person as a mirror of his or her own life. It’s the mark of a Master to share his or her feelings, rather than blaming someone else for not meeting the needs that were never expressed in the first place. It’s the mark of a Master who is strong enough to walk away from a broken and unfulfilled kind of love if his or her needs and emotions aren’t being seen. It’s the mark of a Master to be able to also meet the needs of their partner.

When you see the current relationships of your life as not a victim, but as a mirror of your own life, you can begin to take empowered action.

So, you say you want love, yes?

Then whatcha gonna do today? Blame them? Or express yourself and set loving boundaries?

Do you want to keep going round in the dramatic circle of blame or do you want to step into the loving flow of vulnerable expression?

The choice is yours. What’ll it be?

via thedailylove.com
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8 Thrifty Back to School Date Night Ideas

Romantic Couple @ Nachtdigital 12 // 2009
Image by Merlijn Hoek via Flickr

“When you’re married with children, finding alone time as a couple is difficult.  But when school is back in session, the additional demands of extracurricular activities and assorted family member schedules make it nearly impossible. Tack on the cost involved with a night out, and most couples just simply decide to forgo date night as a luxury.  But that kind of thinking needs to be adjusted.  Date Night with your spouse doesnt have to be an all-out romantic extravaganza taking weeks of planning.  In fact, Date Night doesnt even have to be at night!  The important thing is to carve out some time for just the two of you so you can recharge, refocus and maybe even romance each other.  Here are 8 Thrifty Back to School Date Night Ideas that you can try.”

Go to the source to read the article: Family Minute – 8 Thrifty Back to School Date Night Ideas.

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…from a reputable source…

“Want to be sure that you are a valuable member of the team? Well, then don’t annoy your coworkers with your email habits. Or worse, don’t annoy your superiors.

“Since email is now the number one business communication tool it’s become the best way to trumpet your value and save your job,” says Mike Song, a top email efficiency and etiquette expert and lead author of the bestselling book, The Hamster Revolution: How to Manage Your Email Before It Manages You.” Source: IT Management » Blog Archive » Be A Good Emailer

Go to the source to read the whole article — it’s worth it!

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How to Combine Your Facebook Profile for Both Business and Pleasure

Image representing Facebook as depicted in Cru...
Image via CrunchBase

Despite publishing intimate details of their life, most people view Facebook as a very personal network; as a platform for pleasure not for business. But if you’re anything like me, your Facebook friends consist of people from a cross section of your life; some personal friends who you’ve known for years, some work colleagues and some contacts from your professional network. They may include anyone from your best mate to your mum to your boss to an industry peer, and that makes the humble status update a potential nightmare. Do you really want your boss to see the banter you have with your mates about the girl you pulled on your drunken night out? Do your friends really care about your industry blog posts or your work chat?

The psychology behind this dynamic leads to many people I know breaking Facebook rules and setting up two profiles; one personal profile and one professional profile. After all, you should never mix business with pleasure, isn’t that the mantra? But wouldn’t it be great if you could personalise your Facebook profile to every single one of your friends, giving each of them status updates and shared content that is specifically relevant to them and leaving out the stuff that isn’t?

Well, in actual fact, you can. Clever use of Facebook’s Lists feature means that you can keep your personal friends largely separate from your work colleagues, publishing different content to different groups on the same page while ensuring that never the twain shall meet. With Lists you can dice and splice your Facebook friends in as many different ways as you like, effectively presenting a personalised profile to each different one of your friends depending on their interests, your relationship with them and what you want them to see (and not to see). For once in your life you really can keep all of the people happy all of the time.

To get started, watch the short video clip below on how to create lists of friends in Facebook. You can create as many lists as you like, from simply one for ‘friends’ and one for ‘work’ as in my video example, to multiple lists. Importantly if you’re going to get very targeted with it, any friend can belong to more than one list.

via socialmediatoday.com

This article addresses the most critical issues of using Facebook for business in a very thorough and effect way. You can follow the ‘via’ link above to go to the source and read the rest of the article along with the authors videos…

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I love my ‘job’…

…and one of the reasons why is that I love people and I get to meet so many interesting ones along the way. Earlier this week, I had the chance to interview rising Ag star Eric Kamler at Husker Harvest Days in Grand Island, NE. Here’s our chat…

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Welcome…

Swimming, Type F, front
Image via Wikipedia

…to all my new friends from the Green Bay Chamber of Commerce ‘How to be a social media rockstar’ event — it was great to meet you all at St. Norbert yesterday! Your heads are probably all swimming from all the content I crammed into the preso yesterday. Is there anything you’d like me to document? Comment on this post and I’ll do a quick screencast to answer your question if I can…

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