Thinks I find along the way
“Great relationships develop not from the absence of conflict, but from determining an agreeable pattern for how to resolve conflict. Defining the rules of engagement for how you “fight” with someone you care about is ultimately much more important than trying to never have a disagreement.” Healthy Living on HuffingtonPost.com via Rory Vaden: 10 Rules Of Relationship Conflict Resolution.
Mastin Kipp at The Daily Love has some good thoughts I’d like to amplify today…
With the uneducated approach to life, we tend to seek outward for things that are within us. Goals, intentions, desires, etc. are all well and good, but if the motive for why we want them goes unexamined, we can keep ourselves in a form of bondage.
One of the great mistakes in life is living life as an “If, then” statement. “If I get X, then I’ll be happy.” The goal is to be happy now.
So are you happy now? And if not, why not? Continue reading “Here’s Why It’s VITAL To Be 100% Self-Approved!”
Good stuff from Dave Elliott at The Daily Love this morning…
“The path to long-lasting and legendary love is in the courage to live with Real Authenticity where both parties speak the truth from a place of love, connection and compassion for one another. It requires a fundamental acknowledgment that both parties truly deserve to have their needs met and it’s built on a strong foundation of understanding and a desire to keep the relationship fresh, fun and ever growing forward. If you’re new at this, that could be a pretty tall order…but if you have a Coach who can guide you both to a win/win resolution…it may just be the very best investment in you that you’ll ever make. After all, if the quality of your life is directly related to the quality of your relationships…the question is…how great do you want your life to be?” via What Sets You Free Will Also Keep You Together!.
I’m thinking about this as my wife prepares to vacation in Italy while I stay home with the boys and the business…
:-/
“You rarely have time for everything you want in this life, so you need to make choices. And hopefully your choices can come from a deep sense of who you are.
The thing I remember best about successful people I’ve met all through the years is their obvious delight in what they’re doing and it seems to have very little to do with worldly success. They just love what they’re doing, and they love it in front of others.” ~ Fred Rogers
Source: Love What You’re Doing and Love it in Front of Others | Escape Adulthood with Kim & Jason
If we don’t clear the clutter from our lives, we aren’t able to let new feelings, experiences, projects, visions and relationships flow in. We often can become so focused on wanting to add so much more to our lives that we don’t realize that what we get rid of can have the most profound impact of all.
I love despair.com and the way they illustrate a point using absurdity and rich sarcasm. Visit their site — always good for an ‘lol’… :-D
Another great post from Melody Beattie – this time on the topic of detachment…
The rewards from detachment are great: serenity; a deep sense of peace; the ability to give and receive love in self-enhancing, energizing ways; and the freedom to find real solutions to our problems.
Letting go of our need to control can set us and others free. It can set our Higher Power free to send the best to us.
If we weren’t trying to control someone or something, what would we be doing differently?
What would we do that we’re not letting ourselves do now? Where would we go? What would we say?
What decisions would we make?
What would we ask for? What boundaries would be set? When would we say no or yes?
If we weren’t trying to control whether a person liked us or his or her reaction to us, what would we do differently? If we weren’t trying to control the course of a relationship, what would we do differently? if we weren’t trying to control another person’s behavior, how would we think, feel, speak, and behave differently than we do now?
What haven’t we been letting ourselves do while hoping that self-denial would influence a particular situation or person? Are there some things we’ve been doing that we’d stop?
How would we treat ourselves differently?
Would we let ourselves enjoy life more and feel better right now? Would we stop feeling so bad? Would we treat ourselves better?
If we weren’t trying to control, what would we do differently? Make a list, then do it.
Today, I will ask myself what I would be doing differently if I weren’t trying to control. When I hear the answer, I will do it. God, help me let go of my need to control. Help me set myself and others free.
Source: March 18: Letting Go of the Need to Control | Language of Letting Go
Detachment is the most difficult of all recovery topics for me. I’m trying to understand the difference between trying to control and having health or reasonable expectations. Maybe there is no such thing as an expectation can have of my wife or children; not if I want to be happy or at peace anyway…
The times I have a glimpse of what detachment looks like are those times when I’m playing with my black cat Boo. I don’t expect Boo to bark like a dog or come when called. She meows and sometimes when it suits her mood she comes when called but I don’t expect her to be something that is not in her nature.
Someday I’ll write a book called ‘Everything I need to know about detachment I learned from my cat’ but I still have much to learn from her…
If the title caught your eye, you may need to read this post from Shannon Cook…
Let’s face it – relationships are tough and always require work to succeed. If both parties are invested and make an effort, the reward can be a mutually satisfying, long lasting union. But what if one of the partners is abusive? It is possible that the problems you are having in your relationship and the dejection you feel over it is not your fault. You may be partnered with someone who is an emotional and psychological abuser.
This type of abuse can be trickier to detect than say, physical abuse. The effects of verbal and psychological abuse can be more subtle. Fortunately, there are some clear signs to look for if you suspect that this type of abuse is happening in your relationship (or someone else’s you care about)…
Source: 7 Signs You Are in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship « Just say NO to Toxic Relationships
Go to the source if you’d like to know what the 7 signs are…
Some good thoughts from Melody Beattie that I wanted to share with you this morning…
I know. We didn’t get loved the way we wanted. Some of us have spent years picking through the messy issues of parents who had unusual ways of showing love or who didn’t show love at all.
We may have had spouses who were dreadful at showing love. Issues like alcoholism and other dysfunctions can genuinely interfere with a person’s ability to love. Some of us took that personally.We looked around and the only conclusion we could come up with is that we weren’t lovable.
Some of us need to grieve the absence of love in our family of origin. We may have missed an important emotional lesson while growing up, and we barely realize it. That lesson is understanding how lovable we are.
Some of us learned to protect ourselves by caring for others, while refusing to let love into our own lives. We found that it is easier to shut down and not be open to love, rather than be denied love.
After a while, we stop seeing the love that is there for us. We refuse the small gestures that may mean a tremendous amount to the person offering them. These gestures include words of concern, support, understanding, assistance, kindness, or a genuine expression of like or love. If we don’t believe we’re lovable, if we’re not open to seeing and receiving love, we’re going to miss more than just the love we missed in our childhood. We’re going to miss the love that is available for us now.
Challenge: The hardest part about letting people give us love can be softening that tough shell enough to let the gentle words and acts of love sink in.
I have found, too, that expectations can be a problem for me. If I’m expecting more, sometimes I miss what is there. Remember the words of the great philosophers The Rolling Stones “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need.”
We will always find what we go looking for. And if we want to find excuses that hold us back from transformation, we will find TONS! Yes – TONS! They are everywhere. And many of us have a group of friends who don’t want to change, too – who will back us up with our excuses. Who we hang out with is who we become. The environment we live in molds us more than anything else.
We gotta be super mindful of the people we surround ourselves with and where we choose to exist and be. There are plenty of people in the world who will positively affirm mediocrity! Not because they are bad people, no – but because they do not know any better.
For most people, excuses not to change are commonplace and socially acceptable. But if you are on The Path and ready for transformation, excuses are just another form of resistance that is holding you back! If you want to argue for your limitations, you will justify and further create them!
But that is not who you ARE! That is not where you want to LIVE! Mediocrity is not your emotional home! It’s a cliché, but it’s true that if we seek, we will find. So today, instead of seeking for reasons or excuses NOT to change – start to look for reasons why you should change and get motivated.
Source: Are You Sick & Tired Of Being Sick & Tired? Then Read This!
People give us Love the best way that they know how to. They can’t give it any other way than they do. And if we are trying to get orange juice from apples over and over again, not only are we going to keep getting let down, we are actually insane! Haha.
It’s simple – we were SENT to GIVE the Love we think we missed or that we think we aren’t getting from someone else. We see where the Love is lacking and so it’s up to US to fill that gap!
After I started treating my father this way, it was like an instantaneous shift in our relationship. And I didn’t go to him and tell him all this; I just started giving more Love. And guess what – it was more Love that I got back…
The same is true for you. You were sent to give the Love that you think it missing in your life and in the world. That’s why you’re here.
Source: This Will Probably Solve A TON Of Relationship Problems In Your Life!
As we step into the New Year, let’s step into it with a clean slate. That is to say, the stories we’ve been telling ourselves about why we can’t have what we truly want – let’s kick those to the curb.
Let’s take a moment, pause, think and feel our way towards our greatest good and the greatest good for all. What if it were true that your biggest fear was actually total BS? What if it were true that the things that you think are your greatest weaknesses are actually what makes you strong? What if it were true that from this moment forward life would never have to be the same again?
What if it were as simple as simply changing your mind about what you want and what you know you deserve? What if we made it our intention to Love ourselves as much as we Love the thing we Love most in life? And then, what if we went about sharing that Love with others and found that where we thought we would die, be destroyed or that life would come to an end – we actually came to life?
My friend, I’m here to remind you – what was, is GONE and what will be is up to YOU! We get the privilege to decide our way in and out of circumstances! No dark night of the soul lasts forever; but what can last forever is if you get stuck in the story of being in the dark night.
So let us take a moment and think about what would bring us so much joy to create in 2012. Not just for ourselves, but also for others. How can we add value and Love to other people’s lives? What are our gifts? Are we expressing them? Or are we letting them lay dormant? Are we truly walking our Faith and our beliefs or are we letting fear get the best of us? Let’s look over who is in our lives and why? Is there anyone in our life who is there with a hook? Are all of our relationships clean? Are we entering into each relationship with integrity, truth and with the intention to serve? Or are we emotional vampires? Or do we have emotional vampires in our lives that we are allowing to drain our energy?
This is the time to make that change. Sure, we can make the change at any time, but with the symbolic power of the New Year and the collective focus on being brand new, the power of this time of year is huge.
So what changes would you like to make in 2012? And – is there anyone in your life you would like to let go of? And is there anyone in your life that you would like to spend more time with? Are you making the best of life or are you letting fear get the best of you? And what new decision would you like to make now?
Source: Why This Is A GREAT Time Of Year To Kick The B/S To The Curb!
My wife and I are celebrating 23 years of ‘Crazy Love’ today. This version of the song is oddly appropriate because on one level, we have as much in common as Ray Charles and Van Morrison. Still, we make beautiful music together…
Lyrics…
I can hear her heart beat for a thousand miles
And the heavens open every time she smiles
And when I come to her that’s where I belong
Yet I’m running to her like a river’s songChorus:
She give me love, love, love, love, crazy love
She give me love, love, love, love, crazy loveShe’s got a fine sense of humor when I’m feeling low down
And when I come to her when the sun goes down
Take away my trouble, take away my grief
Take away my heartache, in the night like a thiefChorus:
Yes I need her in the daytime
Yes I need her in the night
Yes I want to throw my arms around her
Kiss her hug her kiss her hug her tightAnd when I’m returning from so far away
She gives me some sweet lovin’ brighten up my day
Yes it makes me righteous, yes it makes me feel whole
Yes it makes me mellow down in to my soul
I thank God for 23 unbelievable years…
“A definition of Interdependence is, “a reciprocal relation between interdependent entities.”
The key word here is: “reciprocal”. Interdependence can be thought of as a relationship where each party gives and receives from his or her own internal overflow. Which is TOTALLY different than “codependence” which can be thought of as being “addicted to someone”.
Another way to look at it, spiritually, is this:
A codependent person makes someone else his or her Higher Power. An interdependent person knows that The Uni-verse is their Higher Power and keeps their focus on that, while choosing to be in a relationship with someone else who is also looking to The Uni-verse to fulfill them…
You see, when we make someone else our Higher Power, we are REALLY setting ourselves up for pain. This is a top cause of pain in relationships and of break ups. We are looking to someone else for something they can never give us – which is perfect and unwavering Love. There is only one place unwavering Love comes from and that is The Uni-verse.
The Love of The Uni-verse never changes; other people change all the time. When we keep our eyes on The Uni-verse and surrender to It’s will for us, we take everyone else off the hook for our happiness. We no longer seek to take Love from them, but to show up from a place of overflow and give Love to them. This kind of relationship creates two really great givers and FORgivers. This is the cornerstone of having an awesome and long-term relationship.
Are you making a person your Higher Power? Are you ready to take your eyes off of them and put them towards The Uni-verse and accept It’s perfect Love for you? Can you see yourself and those you are in relationship with as imperfect human beings who are fallible and Love them anyways, not because they are fulfilling your every need, but because it is Love that is who you really are? Do you think you might be addicted to someone?” Source; A Top Cause of Relationship Pain & BreakUps!
Of course for me, the Uni-verse is Jesus, but Mastin Kipp makes brilliant sense here. For me, anyway. As Gibran said “Do not say I have found THE truth, but I have found A truth”. Kipp and his site have really been a blessing to me as I try to take a healthier perspective on relationships…
When a person needs resuscitation, the signs are obvious. They stop breathing, they’re non-responsive. It’s easy to see that the person displaying these symptoms needs immediate help. In marriage, the symptoms that a relationship requires life-saving measures are sometimes difficult to detect. Couples learn to adapt and function despite their critical status. But functioning in a marriage is not what you and your spouse really want. You want to thrive. So, how can you bring a dying relationship back to life? It’s time to administer some marital CPR by doing four things…
Follow the ‘via’ link above for more…
One thing men are very talented at is getting into trouble – especially when they are husbands. Sometimes we’re thoughtless, sometimes we’re forgetful, sometimes we’re selfish, sometimes we’re downright mean. More often than not we get ourselves in deep water because we are – quite simply – clueless.
Regardless of how we got there, trouble is a place we need to vacate, and fast. We need grace, we need understanding and we need forgiveness.
Forgiveness is a sweet and a beautiful thing. But forgiveness can neither be earned nor demanded – it has to be given, as a gift. However, rather than skulk around in hiding, there are a number of things All Pro Dads can do to facilitate the conditions in which forgiveness might possibly thrive.
It’s important to remember that you’re not so much trying to get out of trouble as you are working to heal the relationship. That’s something that requires self-evaluation and humility. So try these 10 Ways to ask your wife for forgiveness…
Unfortunately, I need this now. Follow the ‘via’ link above along with me to get the 10 ways…
In his book, Learning to Live with the Love of Your Life… And Loving It!, Dr. Neil Clark Warren provides eight secrets to working through conflict with your spouse.
1. Marriage is a “We” Business
Dr. Warren says, “Any couple who gains a ‘we’ perspective eventually experiences great success in marriage.” Shift the focus of your marriage to a “we” mentality, especially in conflict.
2. Deal with the Issue as Quickly as Possible
Deal with conflict by getting problems out in the open and addressing them head-on. Don’t let issues fester below the surface.
3. Stick to the Subject
If you are in the middle of an argument with your spouse, stay focused on resolving that current conflict. Don’t throw old fights or problems into the discussion.
4. Don’t Intimidate
Some people become more concerned with “winning” a fight than working through the conflict. They may become mean, intimidating or threatening in order to stay in the fight. In Dr. Warren’s words, “Intimidation may result in victory for an individual, but I’ve never seen it produce victory for the marriage.”
5. No Name-Calling
Establish a rule with your spouse that there will be no name-calling during a fight. Name-calling will only lead to more hurt and emotional distance between the two of you.
6. Turn Up Your Listening Sensitivity
While it may be hard to actively listen to your spouse when your emotions are running high from an argument, you must take the time to try and see their point of view. This is key to the road to resolution. When your spouse feels listened to, they will be more willing to listen to what you have to say, as well.
7. Practice Give and Take
“What we must understand is that marriage is a partnership and therefore requires both give and take to be successful,” says Dr. Warren. Be willing to compromise on certain issues that are more important to your spouse. Choose your battles wisely.
8. Celebrate Every Victory
Recognize the victories when you and your spouse successfully work through a conflict together. Focus on the progress you have made as a couple and the new strengths that you have together as a result.
For more help on conflict resolution, check out iMOM’s 10 Ways to Fight Fair with Your Spouse.
Two brothers live at home with their parents. Don, 17, has a strict curfew. Dan, 16, is never told when to come home. The difference is trust.
Mom and dad know Dan will be home around 10:00. If he’s going to be late, he always calls. But Don never lets them know what he’s up to and he’s lied consistently for years.
For all his openness and detailed communication, Dan feels free as a bird. Don, however, even though he keeps many secrets, always resents what he experiences as a short leash.
Marriage is a similar dance of trust and credibility. Partners who demand “freedom” and push the limits to see how tethered they really are never experience the sense of liberty experienced by those who respect their spouse, keep no secrets, and keep one-another informed about everything.
Non sequitur? Not really. Trust is a sticky issue, but it’s an irreplaceable element if relationships are to experience the kind of freedom and confidence that can only be grounded in mutual respect.
Here are 10 ways to foster trust with your wife…
Follow the ‘via’ link if you’d like the 10 ways. Me? I’m working on it…
Melody Beattie shares…
We are slow to believe that which if believed would hurt our feelings.
OvidMost of us in recovery have engaged in denial from time to time. Some of us relied on this tool.
We may have denied events or feelings from our past. We may have denied other people’s problems; we may have deemed our own problems, feelings, thoughts, wants, or needs. We denied the truth.
Denial means we didn’t let ourselves face reality, usually because facing that particular reality would hurt. It would be a loss of something: trust, love, family, perhaps a marriage, a friendship, or a dream. And it hurts to lose something, or someone.
Denial is a protective device, a shock absorber for the soul. It prevents us from acknowledging reality until we feel prepared to cope with that particular reality. People can shout and scream the truth at us, but we wifi not see or hear it until we are ready.
We are sturdy yet fragile beings. Sometimes, we need time to get prepared, time to ready ourselves to cope. We do not let go of our need to deny by beating ourselves into acceptance; we let go of our need to deny by allowing ourselves to become safe and strong enough to cope ‘with the truth. We wifi do this, when the time is right.
We do not need to punish ourselves for having denied reality; we need only love ourselves into safety and strength so that each day we are better equipped to face and deal with the truth. We will face and deal with reality on our own time schedule, when we are ready, and in our Higher Power’s timing. We do not have to accept chastisement from anyone, including ourselves, for this schedule.
We will know what we need to know, when it’s time to know it.Today, I will concentrate on making myself feel safe and confident. I will let myself have my awareness on my own time schedule.
Bright, shiny objects! 
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