Tag: Relationship

How To Be A Supportive Partner (And What You Gain As A Result)

Shelly Bullard writes:

Sometimes we fail to support our partners in becoming the best versions of the of themselves because we’re scared of what that means for us. What if he wants something I don’t want? What if her desire takes her away from me?

We fear if he learns to fly, he might fly away. So we hold our partners back, sometimes without even knowing it. This strategy always backfires – it ends up holding our relationships back, as well.

But there’s a way to feel safe enough to support your partner to fly, and why doing so will take your relationship to new heights of love.

Get the rest of the article here: How To Be A Supportive Partner (And What You Gain As A Result)

I love Shelly’s writing — always powerful and prescient! You can find more of her stuff here…

Related articles

 

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Angry young man…

As a father of 6 boys, I’ve seen 3 of them pass through this stage; some are still stuck. I’m pausing to reflect on what did I cause, how can I make amends and how can I help them get unstuck before more time is wasted…

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The Secrets That Keep Happy Couples Together

Cynthia Belmer shares this:

What makes a relationship work? What can couples do to stay happy in their relationship, especially in this modern age with stress all around us?

Everyone wants to make their relationship last and everyone wants to feel loved, happy, and in harmony with their partner, but few experience it.

Harmony is about a mutual agreement of giving and receiving in the most balanced, loving and humble way, while maintaining the space needed for self-nurturing and self-love. You can realize it and live it in your relationship when you:

1. Become best friends. Understand the likes, dislikes, the fears, the pain and the gain of your partner and ask open-ended questions.

2. Explore your common vision for the future. Discuss your goals and your visions for the future. How does a great and lasting relationship look like to you? Follow through with this view and commit to realizing and nurturing it.

3. Be humble. Take responsibility of our own actions and say that you’re sorry when you mess up.

4. Be generous. Allow yourself to give with humbleness, to appreciate with love, to forgive with softness, to listen with care and to compromise while receiving your needs in return.

5. Invest in your own and constant self-growth. Follow through with your interests, your goals, your emotional needs and wants and share them with your partner.

6. Trust. Speak your truth, always and allow both of your fears to surface and share them gently together.

7. Listen and never forget. Listen very carefully to your partner and remember what interests them, what they enjoy, they dislike and most importantly, remember their stories.

8. Allow spaciousness. Give some alone time to yourself and your partner and do unique things that you enjoy and that make you feel good.

9. Get intimate. Express your love through hugging, kissing, caressing, cuddling, holding, and other forms of physical affection.

10. Have faith. Never give up on realizing the picture of a great relationship, especially when going through a big storm.

So my question to you is: If you were to make a change so you could live happily and in harmony in your relationship, what would you be doing?

via The Secrets That Keep Happy Couples Together.

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How to date your wife

I enjoyed this whole video, but the best part for me starts at 8:45 or so. The point? If you recommit yourself to your marriage, don’t expect that it will be easy at first. You will have a battle on your hands…

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Love or dependency?

Kristin Barton Cuthriell has an excellent post on codependency that I want to share with you this morning:

“Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you.” Wayne Dyer.

Sally tells her husband, Ron, that she would like to go visit her sister for the weekend. Ron becomes upset and accuses Sally of not loving him. He gives Sally such a hard time, that even if she were to go, she would not enjoy herself. Ron tells Sally that he does not want her to go because he loves her and wants to spend all of his time with her.

Ken and Angie spend most evenings and weekends together. One Saturday, Ken is invited to go to a ballgame with the guys. When Ken asks Angie if he can go, she becomes upset and reasons that he would rather be with the guys than with her.  She feels hurt and acts angry and resentful towards Ken. Ken can’t enjoy the game because he knows that he has hurt Angie.

Cindy joins a book club that meets the first Wednesday night of each month. Ted feels threatened by Cindy leaving the house to do something without him. As much as Cindy enjoys book club, she stops going. The way Ted treats her when she does go, just isn’t worth it.

Unless the visit to the sister, the ballgame, and the book club are destructive to the individual or the couple in some way, Ron, Angie, and Ted are operating with their insecurities in the driver’s seat. They believe that they have been acting out of love. But this kind of love is about them, not their partner. What they call love is really dependency. They are not holding their partner back for the good of their partner, they are holding their partner back because they want to make themselves happy. They want to fulfill an unmet need within themselves.

When individuals function from a place of dependency rather than mature love, they are usually trying to get a childhood need for security and nurturing met. As infants, we are totally dependent on our caretakers for all of our needs. If those needs are met, we are more likely to experience mutual love in adult relationships. If those needs are not met when we are young, we do not outgrow them. Instead, we unconsciously demand that these needs be met by our partners. When this happens, our partner’s needs are often ignored and the relationship becomes more about us than about them.

A healthy parent child relationship is very different from a healthy adult relationship. In a healthy parent child relationship, the parent is to meet the child’s needs, not the other way around (Note: meeting a child’s needs is not the same as spoiling a child). The relationship is not mutual. It is about the child.

A healthy adult relationship is about mutual sharing. The adult is not enmeshed, as an infant often is with their primary caretaker. The relationship consists of a delicate balance of closeness and separateness.” If any of this resonates with you, you can read the rest of the article here: Love or dependency – Let Life in Practices.

While you’re there, signup to receive Kristin’s updates or follow her in social media! She is a continuous source of good, clear thinking on relationships and her perspective has helped me many times…

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Don’t Let Them Stop You


Kristin Barton Cuthriell writes:

“Criticism is something we can avoid easily by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing. “ -Aristotle

You have a purpose.

There is work to be done.

You can do it.

There is fun to be had.

You can have it.

There are people to love.

You can love them.

There are quiet moments to enjoy.

You can enjoy them.

There is love to be received.

You can receive it.

There is life worth experiencing.

You can experience it.

No matter what you do, there may always be someone out there who finds fault in you.

The truth is… we all have faults.

The truth is… we can always find a critic.

Are you going to allow those critics or the critic that lives within you, hold you back from living your best life?

Work hard, play hard, take time to rest, pray, and let life in.

When you live with integrity, you can ignore the critic.

Related articles

via Don’t Let Them Stop You.

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The best of @toddlohenry for 7/17/2012

  1. “My life has been filled with misfortunes, most of which never happened.”- Mark Twain

    Today’s Quotes: Why Discomfort Is You…
    Sat, Jul 14 2012 15:18:31

  2. Todd’s tweets…

  3. toddlohenry
    Build Your Own Stress-Management Tools http://bit.ly/LvYwbI
    Todd Lohenry
    Tue, Jul 17 2012 09:10:30
  4. toddlohenry
    “5 Reasons You Can’t Tell When You Are Being Lied To” http://bit.ly/LvYosN
    Todd Lohenry
    Tue, Jul 17 2012 09:02:55
  5. toddlohenry
    Michael Phelps and “Winning the Gold and Unhappy” http://bit.ly/Nvu7Y1
    Todd Lohenry
    Tue, Jul 17 2012 09:02:34
  6. toddlohenry
    “Build Your Own Stress-Management Tools” http://bit.ly/LvYwbI
    Todd Lohenry
    Tue, Jul 17 2012 09:02:33
  7. toddlohenry
    The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People http://bit.ly/PcCgDS
    Todd Lohenry
    Tue, Jul 17 2012 06:30:03
  8. toddlohenry
    The 7 Benefits of Keeping a Daily Journal http://bit.ly/LoeZKb
    Todd Lohenry
    Tue, Jul 17 2012 06:20:13
  9. toddlohenry
    The 7 Benefits of Keeping a Daily Journal http://bit.ly/LocTdh
    Todd Lohenry
    Tue, Jul 17 2012 06:10:28
  10. toddlohenry
    Grow Through It! http://bit.ly/LocU0U
    Todd Lohenry
    Tue, Jul 17 2012 06:01:27
  11. toddlohenry
    Cultivate Your Spiritual Self-Confidence http://bit.ly/MDYRVR
    Todd Lohenry
    Tue, Jul 17 2012 05:50:13
  12. toddlohenry
    Seek to UNDERSTAND, before you are understood… http://bit.ly/PcyTgf
    Todd Lohenry
    Tue, Jul 17 2012 05:40:09
  13. toddlohenry
    Is Our ‘Working Culture’ Making Us Sick? http://huff.to/LocuHZ
    Todd Lohenry
    Tue, Jul 17 2012 05:31:01
  14. toddlohenry
    25 Baked Alternatives To Potato Chips And French Fries http://bit.ly/MBxLPo
    Todd Lohenry
    Mon, Jul 16 2012 17:10:08
  15. toddlohenry
    25 Animals Who Are Genuinely Interested In What You Have To Say http://bit.ly/NdEJil
    Todd Lohenry
    Mon, Jul 16 2012 17:00:42
  16. toddlohenry
    Wow. Even LinkedIn is getting a major overhaul… With Sights Set on Engagement, LinkedIn Launche… http://bit.ly/O3Nppq
    Todd Lohenry
    Mon, Jul 16 2012 16:50:15
  17. toddlohenry
    28 Sexy Pictures Of Older Actors When They Were Young http://bit.ly/OCegWj
    Todd Lohenry
    Mon, Jul 16 2012 16:40:04
  18. toddlohenry
    The 25 Best “That Guy” Actors http://bit.ly/LVm9vT
    Todd Lohenry
    Mon, Jul 16 2012 16:30:29
  19. toddlohenry
    Love this self-love reminder http://bit.ly/NzRoff
    Todd Lohenry
    Mon, Jul 16 2012 16:20:10
  20. toddlohenry
    Life is weird… http://bit.ly/MAGJeG
    Todd Lohenry
    Mon, Jul 16 2012 16:10:08
  21. toddlohenry
    Now Available As An Actual Poster For Your Home Office! http://bit.ly/MBrF1b
    Todd Lohenry
    Mon, Jul 16 2012 16:00:21
  22. toddlohenry
    Taking A Stand http://bit.ly/PauP05
    Todd Lohenry
    Mon, Jul 16 2012 15:50:08
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Connecting some dots on ‘boundaries’

http://youtu.be/_iEjN9r-kTg

  1. Everything I’ve ever curated on ‘boundaries’…
  2. toddlohenry
    Boundaries in Recovery http://bit.ly/NuO4Ai

    Todd Lohenry

    Fri, Jul 13 2012 08:30:36

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Healthy Boundaries: A Good Practice

English: Slate fencing marking field boundarie...

Kristin Barton Cuthriell writes:

“Boundaries are those invisible lines that separate you from other people. When children grow up in families that practice healthy boundaries, these boundaries are typically passed down through generations. The same is true when individuals are raised in dysfunctional families that have no sense of healthy boundaries. These poor boundaries, too, are often passed down the generational line.

Poor boundaries are usually too rigid or too loose. Like a concrete wall, rigid boundaries keep people out. When a person is closed off with rigid boundaries, they do not allow themselves to become vulnerable, which makes true intimacy impossible.

People with loose boundaries have little fence or no fence at all. The separation between self and others is blurred. Individuals with loose boundaries do not have a clear sense of self. These people trust easily, disclose too much, have a difficult time setting limits, and often become enmeshed with others.

Healthy relationships require healthy boundaries. If you are aware that your personal boundaries are either too loose or too rigid, you can learn healthy boundaries.

The first step to change is recognizing that change is needed.  What you do not acknowledge, you do not change.

What is a healthy boundary? Take a look.” Get more here: Healthy Boundaries: A Good Practice – Let Life in Practices.

Related articles
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Couples 911 – LaShelle’s Top 3 Tips for Couples

Taylor Duvall shares this:

I have followed CNVC Trainer LaShelle Lowe-Charde for years now and feel so grateful for learning how I typically ‘react’ in my long term relationships and how I can break any habitual pattern.  Her main focus is supporting couples and watch my interview with her on YouTube to hear her top 3 tips:

  • Spend a designated time each day focused on each other.
  • Share even small appreciations as often as possible.
  • Develop a language of feeling and needs to communicate what’s in our heart (what we want) not what’s wrong.

She also shares her relationship saving request and why once we ‘get’ the floor, we tend to go on and on…” via Couples 911 – LaShelle’s Top 3 Tips for Couples | The Center for Nonviolent Communication.

Here are a couple of bonus videos from LaShelle…

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Your attitude is more important than the facts

Kristin Barton Cuthriell writes:

Any fact facing us, however difficult, even seemingly hopeless, is not so important as our attitude toward that fact.  How you think about a fact may defeat you before you ever do anything about it. You may permit a fact to overwhelm you mentally before you start to deal with it actually. On the other hand, a confident and optimistic thought pattern can modify or overcome the fact altogether. -Norman Vincent Peale, The Power of Positive Thinking

A bitter why me attitude will have you going in the wrong direction. It is much healthier to focus your energy on what you can do.

You may have been unfortunate. You may have even been victimized. You may need to grieve your losses, allowing yourself some time to feel sad, angry, and out of sorts. But there comes a time, when it is in your best interest to accept what is and move toward solutions.

The solution does not mean that you will erase the past. You can’t. But the solution does lie in accepting what is, putting away the bitter why me mindset, and opting for a Given my situation, what can I do now attitude.

Focusing on how things use to be or what you use to be able to do can sometimes create a downward spiral both emotionally and physically.  Replacing this paradigm with a solution focused goal oriented mindset can have the opposite effect, creating healthy momentum.

The solution lies within the attitude. It is what it is. What can I do moving forward?

What can you do to improve your attitude? What can you do to improve your life?” via Your attitude is more important than the facts.

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How to Become Your Spouse’s Best Friend

Michael Hyatt writes:

What does marriage have to do with leadership? If you are married, everything. Nothing will undermine your effectiveness as a leader faster than a bad marriage. Your marriage is a living example of what it is like to be in a close relationship with you. This is why it is so important that leaders get this right if they want to influence others.

Unfortunately, we live in a culture that is very me-centered. Gail and I often talk to people who are frustrated with their spouses. Most of this stems from the fact that they are not getting what they think they need or what they think they should be getting.

I am not saying that it is wrong to give voice to your needs. I am saying that it is often an ineffective way to get them met, unless you first sow the seeds of giving and servanthood. (This is also good practice for being a leader in any sphere of life.)

Gail and I have been married for 33 years next month. We can both honestly say that we are one another’s best friends. We talk constantly, go on long walks together, and eat almost every meal together. We just love being in each other’s company.

But what if you don’t have this kind of relationship with your spouse? We work with enough couples to know that this kind of intimacy and friendship is rare.

But, honestly, we are not special. I don’t want to be naive, but I don’t think it is that difficult—if you are willing to make the investment.” Get more here: How to Become Your Spouse’s Best Friend | Michael Hyatt.

Becoming my wife’s best friend [still in process] is the best thing I have ever done. It is NOT difficult if you are willing to make the investment and it is breathing new life into a marriage that should have ended long ago. Dig deep into Michael Hyatt’s advice!

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The reason

I’m not a perfect person
There’s many things I wish I didn’t do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so, I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I’ve found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

I’m sorry that I hurt you
It’s something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That’s why I need you to hear

I’ve found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
And the reason is you

I’m not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I’ve found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

I’ve found a reason to show
A side of me you didn’t know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

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Nothing more than phenomenal?

A toilet with the potentially dangerous arrang...

Actually, it’s nothing LESS than phenomenal, but you’ll get the drift if you listen to this special audio post:

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Discovering intimacy

Intimacy is that warm gift of feeling connected to others and enjoying our connection to them.

As we grow in recovery, we find that gift in many, sometimes surprising, places. We may discover we’ve developed intimate relationships with people at work, with friends, with people in our support groups – sometimes with family members. Many of us are discovering intimacy in a special love relationship.

Intimacy is not sex, although sex can be intimate. Intimacy means mutually honest, warm, caring, safe relationships – relationships where the other person can be who he or she is and we can be who we are – and both people are valued.

Sometimes there are conflicts. Conflict is inevitable. Sometimes there are troublesome feelings to work through. Sometimes the boundaries or parameters of relationships change. But there is a bond – one of love and trust.

There are many blocks to intimacy and intimate relationships. Addictions and abuse block intimacy. Unresolved family of origin issues prevents intimacy. Controlling blocks intimacy. Off balance relationships, where there is too great a discrepancy in power, prevent intimacy. Caretaking can block intimacy. Nagging, withdrawing, and shutting down can hurt intimacy. So can a simple behavior like gossip — for example, gossiping about another for motives of diminishing him or her in order to build up ourselves or to judge the person. To discuss another person’s issues, shortcomings, or failures with someone else will have a predictable negative impact on the relationship.

We deserve to enjoy intimacy in as many of our relationships as possible. We deserve relationships that have not been sabotaged. That does not mean we walk around with our heads in the clouds; it means we strive to keep our motives clean when it comes to discussing other people.

If we have a serious issue with someone, the best way to resolve it is to bring the issue to that person.

Direct, clean conversation clears the air and paves the way for intimacy, for good feelings about ourselves and our relationships with others.

Today, God, help me let go of my fear of intimacy. Help me strive to keep my communications with others clean and free from malicious gossip. Help me work toward intimacy in my relationships. Help me deal as directly as possible with my feelings.

via Adult Children Anonymous.

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Massage, anyone?

My wife loves a good massage. Here are a couple of good videos on the topic while researching techniques…


Warning! Nudity…

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Have I Told You Lately


And she’s back! Don’t wait until your significant other goes to Italy for 18 days to play this song for them — make plans today to tell that special someone THIS WEEKEND there is no one else above them…

Have I told you lately that I love you?

Have I told you there’s no one else above you?

Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness,

Ease my troubles, that’s what you do.

For the morning sun in all it’s glory,

Meets the day with hope and comfort too,

You fill my life with laughter, somehow you make it better,

Ease my troubles, that’s what you do.

There’s a love less defined,

And its yours and its mine,

Like the sun.

And at the end of the day,

We should give thanks and pray,

To The One, to The One.

Have I Told You Lately that I love you?

Have I told you there’s no one else above you?

Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness,

Ease my troubles, that’s what you do.

There’s a love less defined,

And its yours and its mine,

Like the sun.

And at the end of the day,

We should give thanks and pray,

To The One, to The One.

Have I Told You Lately That I Love you?

Have I told you there’s no one else above you?

Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness,

Ease my troubles, that’s waht you do.

Take away all my sadness, fill my life with gladness,

Ease my troubles, that’s what you do.

Take away all my sadness, fill my life with gladness,

Ease my troubles, that’s what you do.

via Have I Told You Lately.

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Fight Fair!

“A constructive complaint looks like this: You calmly ask him not to leave his things flung around the house, not because he’s a big slob (although that may be so) but because neatness is important to you. You “own” the problem (“I’m just not comfortable when you leave your briefcase and coat on the living room couch”) and appreciate that there are other women in the world who would be happy living with someone who didn’t pick up after himself. You mention the attacks you made earlier, at a time of frustration and you apologize for them.

At a relaxed time, you invite a conversation (“Can we make a rule about where briefcases and coats are kept?”) and figure out how to compromise on your different styles. You appreciate that change occurs slowly, in fits and starts, so you praise him for moves in the right direction. After all, you couldn’t transform yourself into a person comfortable with clutter overnight. You might even conclude that it would be simpler to sweep through the house twice a day and dump all his belongings on his big armchair until he decides what to do with them, if anything.

Constructive criticism asks for a specific behavioral adjustment that honors the other person’s capacity to change. It focuses on actions, not character judgments. The “lightly served” part is especially important if you’re talking to someone who responds poorly to anger or intensity in your voice.

People can say very difficult things if they calmly present the facts with no edge in their voice. And silliness helps enormously, as when my son’s wife threatened to charge him rent if he kept putting his clothes on her desk.” via Fight Fair! | Psychology Today.

Ever heard of ‘non violent communication‘? My wife and I have been using it as a tool for over a year. It’s simple, but it’s not easy — it is, however, effective. In NVC, there are 4 components. When I have an issue I talk about:

  • What I see
  • The story that I tell myself about what I see
  • How it makes me feel [mad, sad, glad, hurt]
  • What I would like to see instead

How your partner responds is their responsibility but if you use this tactic, you will have expressed yourself in a non-violent, non shaming, non blaming way and you might actually get heard. Oh and btw, I’ve found that it works even better if you keep the decibels down…

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Women’s Top 4 Wishes and Why Men Should Grant Them

“Since venturing into the world of Men’s Top 4 Wishes and Why You Should Grant Them, I have been talking to women about their relationship wishes.  And it seems we are in a pie in the sky world. But who says that women shouldn’t be reaching for the stars?

In my own research through the years, I have found that women are a faithful group, as confirmed by talks with W. Bradford Wilcox, Ph.D., a sociologist and director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia. He says that just 14 percent of ever-married women reported an extramarital affair over their lifetime as compared to 22 percent of men.” Go to the source to get the wishes: Women’s Top 4 Wishes and Why Men Should Grant Them | Psychology Today.

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ASK For What You Want!

“Some people fold after making one timid request. They quit too soon. Keep asking until you find the answers. There are usually four or five “no’s” before you get a “yes.”” Jack Canfield via Today’s Quotes: ASK For What You Want!.

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My Love’s Leavin’…

My love is leaving today…

…for a two week trip to Italy; Rome and the Amalfi coast — a gracious gift from her sister. Fortunately for me, I think she’ll return. Hope so anyway. Me? I’m stuck in Algoma with 4 boys and a business to run [not to mention pregnant sheep that might deliver any day]. In her honor, here are three versions of the first love song I ever ‘gave’ her way back in 1987… Continue reading “My Love’s Leavin’…” →

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