Tag: Recovery

It’s Our Lesson

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
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When you learn your lessons, the pain goes away.
– Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, The Wheel of Life

Sometimes, we wait and wait for a painful situation to end. When will he stop drinking? When will she call? When will this financial stuff get better? When will I know what to do next?

Life has its own timeline. As soon as we get the lesson, the pain neutralizes, then disappears.
And the lesson is always ours.

Examine your life. Are you waiting for someone or something outside of you to happen to make you feel better? Are you waiting for someone to learn his or her lesson for your pain to stop? If you are, try turning inward. See what the less on really is.

God, please show me what I’m supposed to be learning right now.

via melodybeattie.com
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Just For Today

JUST FOR TODAY
I will try to live through this day only
and not tackle my whole life problem at once.
I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me
if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

JUST FOR TODAY
I will be happy.
This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said,
that, “most folks are as happy as
they make up their minds to be”.

JUST FOR TODAY
I will adjust myself to what is,
and not try to adjust everything to my own desires.
I will take my “luck” as it comes and fit myself to it.

JUST FOR TODAY
I will try to strengthen my mind.
I will study. I will not be a mental loafer.
I will read something that requires
mental effort and concentration.

JUST FOR TODAY
I will exercise my soul in three ways.
I will do somebody a good turn and not get found out.
If anybody knows of it, it will not count.
I will do at least two things
I do not want to do – just for exercise.
I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt;
they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

JUST FOR TODAY
I will be agreeable,
will look as well as I can,
dress becomingly, talk low,
act courteously, criticise not one bit,
not find fault with anything
and not try to improve or regulate
anybody except myself.

JUST FOR TODAY
I will have a programme –
I may not be able to follow it exactly,
but I will have it.
I will save myself from two pests:
hurry and indecision.

JUST FOR TODAY
I will have a quiet half hour
all to myself and relax.
During this half hour, sometime,
I will try to get a better perspective of my life.

JUST FOR TODAY
I will be unafraid,
especially I will not be afraid
to enjoy what is beautiful,
and to believe that as I give to the world,
so the world gives to me.

via oasydney.org
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Dump it

thues 3
Image by thierry llansades via Flickr

Sometimes, we don’t have one clear feeling to express. We have a bunch of garbage we’ve collected, and we just need to dump.

We may be frustrated, angry, afraid, and sick to death of something all in one ugly bunch. We could be enraged, hurt, overwhelmed, and feeling somewhat controlling and vengeful, too. Our emotional stuff has piled up to an unmanageable degree.

We can go to our journal and write this whole mess of feelings out, as ugly as it looks and as awkward and ungrateful as it feels to put it into words. We can call up a friend, someone we trust, and just spifi all this out over the phone. Or we can stomp around our living room in the privacy of our own home and just dump all this stuff out into the air. We can go for a drive in our car, roll the window down, and dump everything out as we drive through the wilderness.

The important idea here is to dump our stuff when it piles up.

You don’t always have to be that healthy and in control of what you feel. Sometimes, dumping all your stuff is the way to dean things out.

God, help me understand that sometimes the only thing preventing me from moving forward in my life is hanging on to all the stuff that I really need to dump.

via melodybeattie.com
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Set Healthy Boundaries!

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via thedailylove.com

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Stop Being a Sponge

SpongeBob SquarePants (character)
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You don’t have to be an emotional sponge, picking up every feeling around you. Learn to distinguish whether what you’re feeling belongs to you or to somebody else:

Linda has a grown son. Whenever her son is going through a difficult time, Linda takes her son’s emotions on, as if those feelings belonged to her. She’ll talk to her son on the phone for a while. He’ll express himself intensely and powerfully about how he really fee]s about everything in his life. After all, Linda’s his mom. It’s safe to tell her how he really feels, even if he can’t tell anyone else.

Linda may feel fine when she begins talking to her son. But by the end of the conversation, Linda doesn’t feel that good anymore. She may feel angry, upset, or worried—or whatever her son was feeling before he talked to her.

Sometimes we soak up other people’s feelings because we forget to protect ourselves. Often, we do this because of the depth of feeling we have for this person. The remedy for this is the same as it is when we’re dealing with our own emotional stuff. We recognize what we’re feeling. We give that feeling its due. Then we let it go. We squeeze out the sponge.

Sometimes, it just takes the act of recognizing that we’ve taken on another person’s emotions to clear those emotions out. If we strive for awareness, we’ll begin to recognize when the feelings we’re feeling aren’t our own.

Children are often open and unprotected. If we re going through a lot of feelings around them, they may absorb our emotions, too. It’s important to share our feelings with others arid let people talk about their feelings to us. But we need to pay attention. If we’ve picked up someone else’s emotions, we need to let those feelings go.

God, help me know that part of being close to people and loving them means I sometimes take on their feelings. Show me how to protect myself so I can keep my heart open to the people I love without taking on their feelings.

via melodybeattie.com
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Kein Drama

The dramatic masks of Thalia and Melpomene, th...
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Melody Beattie shares this this morning…

Actors in movies or on television often must exaggerate their feelings in order to create drama on the screen. If they are hurt, they cry with a special intensity. If afraid, they scream and cower in a corner or curl up on a sofa. They may grab a person trying to leave and beg for that person to stay. In rage, they may stomp around hollering in a dramatic storm.

We can learn to separate what we’re feeling from what we do. If we’re feeling fear, hurt, anger, or any other emotion, we need to experience the emotion until we become clear. Sometimes beating a pillow helps release our anger. But we don’t have to stomp around and slam doors. That’s letting our emotions control us.

You don’t have to revel in your emotions. And you can separate your behaviors what you do—from what you feel.

Stop being a twentieth-century drama queen. It isn’t necessary, anymore. We are more conscious than that now.

God, help me let go of the unnecessary drama in my life.

via melodybeattie.com

So what does ‘Kein Drama’ mean? My friend Michael in Germany is fond of saying that — Kein Drama — it means literally ‘no drama’ but it was his way of saying it’s no big deal…

When I say to myself or my family ‘Kein Drama’ it means something different. It means let’s put an end to this unnecessary emotion. I need to think more about the dramas in which I play a role and sometimes it’s ok to put down the script and say ‘I don’t like this role that you would like me to play’. I don’t have to meet all my wife’s expectations. I don’t have to live up to my in-laws expectations. I don’t have to live up to all of mine, either…

Melody’s post is a good reminder for me to put the drama aside and focus on the things that are really important; God, help me let go of the unnecessary drama in my life…

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Unwell

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know, right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me…

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Letting Go of Denial

Cabooki Boo!
Image by elycefeliz via Flickr

Melody Beattie shares…

We are slow to believe that which if believed would hurt our feelings.
Ovid

Most of us in recovery have engaged in denial from time to time. Some of us relied on this tool.

We may have denied events or feelings from our past. We may have denied other people’s problems; we may have deemed our own problems, feelings, thoughts, wants, or needs. We denied the truth.

Denial means we didn’t let ourselves face reality, usually because facing that particular reality would hurt. It would be a loss of something: trust, love, family, perhaps a marriage, a friendship, or a dream. And it hurts to lose something, or someone.

Denial is a protective device, a shock absorber for the soul. It prevents us from acknowledging reality until we feel prepared to cope with that particular reality. People can shout and scream the truth at us, but we wifi not see or hear it until we are ready.

We are sturdy yet fragile beings. Sometimes, we need time to get prepared, time to ready ourselves to cope. We do not let go of our need to deny by beating ourselves into acceptance; we let go of our need to deny by allowing ourselves to become safe and strong enough to cope ‘with the truth. We wifi do this, when the time is right.

We do not need to punish ourselves for having denied reality; we need only love ourselves into safety and strength so that each day we are better equipped to face and deal with the truth. We will face and deal with reality on our own time schedule, when we are ready, and in our Higher Power’s timing. We do not have to accept chastisement from anyone, including ourselves, for this schedule.
We will know what we need to know, when it’s time to know it.

Today, I will concentrate on making myself feel safe and confident. I will let myself have my awareness on my own time schedule.

via melodybeattie.com
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Recognizing Feelings

Notes in a Moleskine notebook
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Take out a sheet of paper. On the top of it write, “If it was okay to feel whatever I’m feeling, and I wouldn’t be judged as bad or wrong, what would I be feeling?” Then write whatever comes to mind. You can also use the favorite standby of many people in discovering their feelings: writing or journaling. You can keep a diary, write letters you don’t intend to send, or just scribble thoughts onto a note pad. Watch and listen to yourself as an objective third person might.

Listen to your tone of voice and the words you use. What do you hear? Sadness, fear, anger, happiness? What is your body telling you? Is it tense and rigid with anger? Running with fear? Heavy with sadness and grief? Dancing with joy?

Talking to people in recovery helps too. Going to meetings helps. Once we feel safe, many of us find that we open up naturally and with ease to our feelings.

We are on a continual treasure hunt in recovery. One of the treasures we’re seeking is the emotional part of ourselves. We don’t have to do it perfectly. We need only be honest, open, and willing to try. Our emotions are there waiting to share themselves with us.

Today, I will watch myself and listen to myself as I go through my day. I will not judge myself for what I’m feeling; I will accept myself.

via melodybeattie.com
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Solving Problems

Some thoughts from Melody Beattie on solving problems…

Many of us lived in situations where it wasn’t okay to identify, have, or talk about problems. Denial became a way of life our way of dealing with problems.

In recovery many of us still fear problems. We may spend more time reacting to a problem than we do to solving it. We miss the point; we miss the lesson; we miss the gift. Problems are a part of life. So are solutions.

A problem doesn’t mean life is negative or horrible. Having a problem doesn’t mean a person is deficient. All people have problems to work through.

In recovery, we learn to focus on solving our problems. First, we make certain the problem is our problem. If it isn’t, our problem is establishing boundaries. Then we seek the best solution. This may mean setting a goal, asking for help, gathering more information, taking an action, or letting go. Recovery does not mean immunity or exemption from problems; recovery means learning to face and solve problems, knowing they wifi appear regularly. We can trust our ability to solve problems, and know we’re not doing it alone. Having problems does not mean our Higher Power is picking on us. Some problems are part of life; others are ours to solve, and we’ll grow in necessary ways in the process.

Face and solve today’s problems. Don’t worry needlessly about tomorrow’s problems, because when they appear. we’ll have the resources necessary to solve them.

Facing and solving problems – working through problems with help from a Higher Power means we’re living and growing and reaping benefits.

via melodybeattie.com

Thanks! I needed that…

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Make it a Habit

"Praying Hands" (study for an Apostl...
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Melody Beattie says…

After I left treatment, praying in the morning became part of my routine. I prayed as though my life depended on it, because it did. I didn’t feel like I had begun my day properly unless I started it with a recovery prayer, asking for God’s help and guidance.

After my son died, I was so angry about his death that I stopped my morning routine. But there came a time when I had to get back to my routine of talking to God. It can be hard to believe that God cares about the details of our lives. It can feel awkward talking to a force we can’t see or hear.

Challenge: For me, the hardest thing about praying is that I drag my heels and balk at the discipline of regular prayer. I need to remind myself that prayer isn’t work, It works.

via melodybeattie.com
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Gratitude Breeds Acceptance

Gratitude feeds on itself. It breeds acceptance. It turns what we have into enough, and more.

via melodybeattie.com

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Seeing things as they are

““But you don’t know my circumstances. That won’t work for me. I don’t have it as good as other people. You should see my life. It’s a mess.” Religious leaders, psychiatrists, physicists, new and ancient philosophies agree. We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are. When we’re restless, irritable, and discontented, everything looks bad. That’s because we’re practicing negativity. It’s a powerful form of magic, only the magic it works is dark. Practice deliberate gratitude. Force it and fake it if you must. When you look again, after practicing gratitude, you will see that we – and our circumstances have shifted into a different place.” Source: September 7: Seeing Things as They Are | Language of Letting Go

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Don’t blame them! It’s not their fault…

Mastin Kipp

Keen insite this morning from Mastin Kipp of The Daily Love…

Many times in relationships we love to blame the other person.

We like to blame them for not loving us the way we want to be loved, or for not making us enough of a priority, or for being too stubborn and on and on.

Then we start giving names to the way we interpret others actions. So instead of saying: “Hey, I’d really appreciate it if you let me figure it out on my own,” or “The way I really feel loved is when you (fill in the blank)”. When we are lacking, we say: “You’re a jerk”, or assume that they don’t love us.

So instead of expressing how we feel, we blame, judge and then convict the other person of being guilty. Then we project our verdict onto them and wonder why they react negatively and then use that negative reaction as further proof that our verdict was in fact, correct.

Instead of blaming and judging, if we can open up, become vulnerable and EXPRESS our feelings and needs, we give the other person an opportunity to course correct and with this new information.

And, if over time we are expressing our needs and feelings and they aren’t being seen, have the courage to pick up our things and leave. That’s the Master’s path – vulnerability and courage.

It might seem scary, but showing emotion and expressing your needs is how you build intimacy. And having high standards and the courage to maintain them is how you make sure that only the best kind of relationships remains in your life.

It’s the mark of a Master to no longer blame the other person, but instead to see the other person as a mirror of his or her own life. It’s the mark of a Master to share his or her feelings, rather than blaming someone else for not meeting the needs that were never expressed in the first place. It’s the mark of a Master who is strong enough to walk away from a broken and unfulfilled kind of love if his or her needs and emotions aren’t being seen. It’s the mark of a Master to be able to also meet the needs of their partner.

When you see the current relationships of your life as not a victim, but as a mirror of your own life, you can begin to take empowered action.

So, you say you want love, yes?

Then whatcha gonna do today? Blame them? Or express yourself and set loving boundaries?

Do you want to keep going round in the dramatic circle of blame or do you want to step into the loving flow of vulnerable expression?

The choice is yours. What’ll it be?

via thedailylove.com
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Acting As If

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life...
Image by ~K~ via Flickr

Acting as if is another recovery truism that’s been around for a long time. I still use it regularly in my life.

I know people who are not in recovery athletes, performers, artists -who use the technique too.

All it means is that if it’s time to act, we do— whether taking that action feels comfortable or not. Instead of doing nothing, or waiting for confidence, success, or inspiration to overtake and motivate us first, we go ahead and move forward with an action anyway and let the good feelings catch up to us. We act as if the desired change has already taken place.

via melodybeattie.com
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Why Is This Happening To Me?

Jeju-do, South Korea
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These thoughts from Kute Blackson inspire me…

When you are in the midst of a situation itself, it can be excruciatingly painful. But I want you to also remember that sometimes the real reason you are going through the experience often gets revealed later on and isn’t so apparent at first. We often only see our experiences through a certain perspective. We only see part of the picture. Our view point is somewhat limited.What can often seem like something terrible today could turn out to be something amazing tomorrow. However, we only see this once we have come through it.It’s then we realize that it could not have been any different. Life needed to be the way it was. The situation although challenging forced you to grow, and become more of who you really are. The challenging situation was the necessary fire to give birth to the diamond you ultimately are. The challenging situation led you in a new direction, and opened up new opportunities and meeting new people that you otherwise would not have. Often what you think something is actually isn’t and what you think isn’t, in reality, is. Don’t be so sure that you know why something is actually going on in your life at that moment. Your biggest breakdowns can be your biggest breakthroughs. They can teach you the most about what is real, who you are, and what is truly important in your life. They can cause you to let go of everything that is inauthentic and serve as a wake up call. They can end up leading you to your soulmate, or your dream career. You just never know. So when things happen that you don’t understand, develop a curiosity about it, rather than being too quick to make up a meaning that causes misery or keeps you disempowered…”

via Why Is This Happening To Me?.

Speaking of breakthroughs and inspiration, enjoy this clip[ of Sung-bong Choi — the Susan Boyle of Korea…

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Five simple rules of happiness

1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

via addictionz.com
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When Life Twists and Turns

Road near Rossie. The land to the left of the ...
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Today’s thought from Melody Beattie…

“Sometimes in life, no matter how deeply we intend to make the best decisions possible for ourselves, things happen. Marriages end, jobs turn sour, friends wane. For reasons outside our control or understanding, the situation twists and turns into something other than what we bargained for. Have you been waiting for a situation to revert to what it originally was—or what you hoped it would be when you got in? Are you telling yourself that there’s something wrong with you, when the reality is, the situation has changed into something other than what you thought it was? Things often don’t go as smoothly as we planned. Sometimes, we need to endure and get through the rough spots. But I’m talking about those grindingly difficult moments when life suddenly twists on us. These are the times we need to quit torturing ourselves. Let go of what you thought would happen. If life has twisted on you, don’t turn on yourself. Don’t try to make things be the way they were. Come up to speed. Return to now. Let yours elf accept the new situation at hand.The road isn’t always a straight course. Sometimes, even a path with heart unexpectedly twists and turns. God, help me relax and trust myself enough to deal with reality, not my fantasy of what I hoped it would” via August 28: When Life Twists and Turns Language of Letting Go.

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True abundance

An interesting perspective from Gabrielle Bernstein…

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Dealing with Manipulation

Crow's Lake is one of the hundreds of lakes in...
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Melody Beattie shared this on her blog today…

A few years ago I was in Jordan on an excursion through the Middle East. I wanted to go to Pakistan, but when I got to the Pakistani embassy in Jordan, an official ordered me to go to the American embassy, miles away, saying, “You have to get a piece of paper from your government vouching for you. That’s the only way the government of Pakistan wifi even consider your request.”

I went to the American embassy in Jordan and stood in line there all day. Finally, when it was my turn, I told the gentleman why I was there. “That’s ridiculous,” he said. “There’s no such thing as an international voucher for people in the United States. That’s what a passport does. It says the American government is vouching for you, declaring you worthy and reliable to travel abroad.”

He began to speak more quietly. “He’s just messing with you,” he said, of the government official at the other agency. “Sometimes they like to play games with people, show them how much power they really have.”

I went back to the Pakistani embassy. When I returned, there was an elderly Muslim man sitting in the waiting room. He wore a turban. His head was bowed. He was reciting the Koran and rubbing his string of prayer beads.

He helped set the tone and reminded me of what I needed to do: calm down, be peaceful, stop resisting, and harmonize with the situation. It didn’t matter if the visa man was wrong and I was right. He had the power. I needed to go to him. I sat quietly waiting for my turn. When I went up to the counter, I deliberately acknowledged his point of view. Then I gently explained that I didn’t get the piece of paper he asked for from the American embassy, because that paper didn’t exist. I explained it was probably the only time in my life I’d be in this area of the world. I pointed to the poster on the wall. ‘The Himalayas are so beautiful there,” I said. “If I don’t go now, I don’t know that I ever will. You have the power to say yes or no. And I have no choice but to go along with whatever you say. It’s in your hands.”

He told me to go sit down. I did. Five minutes later, he called me back to the stand. “Here,” he said, handing me my passport. “Enjoy your visit to Pakistan.”

We have a right to get as mad as we want, but sometimes harmonizing can achieve so much more than yelling in indig nation or even fighting back. Next time you find yourself in a situation where you’re being manipulated, let go of your resistance and practice harmony instead.

God, teach me the power of moving gently, with humility and respect, through the world.

via melodybeattie.com

Thanks for letting me share this story from Melody Beattie’s blog with you. It speaks to me where I’m at right now, in fact, I wish I would have seen this story two days ago before I had to deal with dishwasher installers from HomeDepot… :-)

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Psalm 51:10-12

This is my mantra these days as I ‘reboot myself’…

“10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. 11 Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. 12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.”

via Psalm 51:4 NIV – YouVersion.com.

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