Tag: Pain

Using Others to Stop Our Pain

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Melody Beattie has some thoughts I wanted to share with you this morning…

Our happiness is not a present someone else holds in his or her hands. Our well-being is not held by another to be given or withheld at whim. If we reach out and try to force someone to give us what we believe he or she holds, we will be disappointed. We will discover that it is an illusion. The person didn’t hold it. He or she never shall. That beautifully wrapped box with the ribbon on it that we believed contained our happiness that someone was holding — it’s an illusion!

In those moments when we are trying to reach out and force someone to stop our pain and create our joy, if we can find the courage to stop flailing about and instead stand still and deal with our issues, we will find our happiness.

Yes, it is true that if someone steps on our foot, he or she is hurting us and therefore holds the power to stop our pain by removing his or her foot. But the pain is still ours. And so is the responsibility to tell someone to stop stepping on our feet.

Healing will come when were aware of how we attempt to use others to stop our pain and create our happiness. We will heal from the past. We will receive insights that can change the course of our relationships.

We will see that, all along, our happiness and our well­being have been in our hands. We have held that box. The contents are ours for the opening.

God, help me remember that I hold the key to my own happiness. Give me the courage to stand still and deal with my own feelings. Give me the insights I need to improve my relationships. Help me stop doing the codependent dance and start doing the dance of recovery.

Source: March 1: Using Others to Stop Out Pain | Language of Letting Go

Here’s the dirty little secret. This blog is only a public scrapbook of the things I need to remember for myself. If it happens to resonate with anyone else that’s a blessing as well. Did anyone else need to hear this today?

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Say good-bye to past trauma and hurt…

 

The time evolution of the probability density ...

Mastin Kipp shared something that I know someone needs to hear…

Let us review the definition of trauma from the good ole Merriam Webster’s:

Trauma (N):  A disordered psychic or behavioral state resulting from severe mental or emotional stress or physical injury.

A lot of people get so identified with what happened, that they stay there, always identified by what happened and, in many cases using that identification as an excuse not to grow.

Now, I am by NO MEANS diminishing that fact that crazy shit happens in life. Bad things happen to good people. There is all kinds of suffering in the world. But that doesn’t have to be where we LIVE!

You see, there are some key words in Webster’s definition. The first word is “state”. The state you are in changes during the day. Sometimes you are in a sleep state, sometimes you are in a groggy state, sometimes you are in an excited state, and if you are lucky enough to be with a partner you Love and end up getting busy with them, you can be in a pretty excited state, too.

We humans can be in all kinds of different states. The state that we go into when we experience a trauma is totally normal and natural. But afterwards, because we are co-creators of our life, the state we stay in is up to us. This is why I love it when Tony Robbins said that there are no such thing as victims, because once the event happens it’s up to us to choose to stay in a victim identity or choose an empowered story and become stronger.

I can hear some of you right now screaming, “YES MASTIN BUT I WAS ________” and then fill in the blank. I’m not saying that these things didn’t happen and that in that moment you aren’t a victim. Of course you are. But after that moment happens, how you live your life, where you choose to live emotionally is up to you and the meaning you give the events of your life! Moments of victimhood happen, a life of being a victim is chosen and we become a victim of our choice to identify with that moment, instead of growing past it.

The goal is not to avoid pain or to deny what happened to us; the goal is to learn that we have the power within us to change and that starts by not letting an event define us. Instead, we know that painful events happen and when they do, we give them an empowering meaning and choose not to relive and make our identity the trauma that we felt.

Source: Bye Bye Past Trauma & Hurt! Here Comes The Sun Baby!

Go to the source if you’d like to read the rest of his post. Choose life!

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Do You REALLY Have What it Takes To BE LOVE?

Here are some more good thinks from Mastin Kipp of The Daily Love…

When we take time to actually understand people, our lives will change. There seems to be a theme in many of my clients lives lately, where they will complain about someone – and make them wrong for what they are thinking or how they are feeling.

Let me tell it to you straight – YOUR EMOTIONS ARE VALID AND REAL! Don’t let ANYONE tell you otherwise!

When we begin to have respect for the thoughts of others and we begin to cherish the feelings of others, as we do our own – we step into a larger world. Think about it. If you made a list of all your character defects – and saw that part of yourself loud and clear, would you say that even though you know you are that way, you let yourself off the hook? Well, then let us see others with Love and compassion and let them off the hook, too.

This doesn’t mean we have to tolerate abuse or anything like that, but it does mean that we can choose to see and encourage the best in others. And when we do that, a strange thing starts to happen – the best of who they are begins to emerge.

If we are constantly looking for what’s wrong, if we are constantly trying to see how someone messed up – we miss the miracle and we miss the blessing that is his or her presence in our life.

So when it comes to other people – I have a question, and answer honestly… What are you looking for in them? Are you looking for what’s right? Are you seeing them as doing the best that they can – are you giving compassion to them at the same level that you give to yourself or those that you Love?

AND – if you feel that other people are only looking for what’s wrong in you – can you send them Love and Compassion because you know that this is nothing but a projection of how they feel about themselves and has NOTHING to do with you? This is how we are being called to see the world – with the eyes of Love. We see the innocence; we see the pain of others and we do not take it personally because we know it is just a part of their projection. And, we know that we also project onto others, so we do our best to stop that and to send only Love. Sometimes, you have to send Love from a distance, but send Love anyway!

Do you have the courage to see life this way? Can you let go of the past hurts and step into the brandnew-ness of this now moment? Can you feel the Love within you that is dying to express and know that when it is expressed it will be returned to you 100-fold?

Source: Do You REALLY Have What it Takes To BE LOVE?

I don’t right now but maybe this will help. I’m thinking about how to apply this…

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Valentine’s Day

Valentine postcard, circa 1900–1910
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For children, Valentine’s Day means candy hearts, silly cards, and excitement in the air. How different Valentine’s Day can be for us as adults. The Love Day can be a symbol that we have not yet gotten love to work for us as we would like. Or it can be a symbol of something different, something better. We are in recovery now. We have begun the healing process. Our most painful relationships, we have learned, have assisted us on the journey to healing, even if they did little more than point out our own issues or show us what we don’t want in our life. We have started the journey of learning to love ourselves. We have started the process of opening our heart to love, real love that flows from us, to others, and back again. Do something loving for yourself. Do something loving and fun for your friends, for your children, or for anyone you choose. It is the Love Day. Wherever we are in our healing process, we can have as much fun with it as we choose. Whatever our circumstances, we can be grateful that our heart is opening to love. I will open myself to the love available to me from people, the Universe, and my Higher Power today. I will allow myself to give and receive the love I want today. I am grateful that my heart is healing, that I am learning to love.

Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (pp. 43-44). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.

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Appreciating our past

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It is easy to be negative about past mistakes and unhappiness. But it is much more healing to look at ourselves and our past in the light of experience, acceptance, and growth. Our past is a series of lessons that advance us to higher levels of living and loving. The relationships we entered, stayed in, or ended taught us necessary lessons. Some of us have emerged from the most painful circumstances with strong insights about who we are and what we want. Our mistakes? Necessary. Our frustrations, failures, and sometimes stumbling attempts at growth and progress? Necessary too. Each step of the way, we learned. We went through exactly the experiences we needed to, to become who we are today. Each step of the way, we progressed. Is our past a mistake? No. The only mistake we can make is mistaking that for the truth. Today, God, help me let go of negative thoughts I may be harboring about my past circumstances or relationships. I can accept, with gratitude, all that has brought me to today.

Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (pp. 21-22). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.

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10 Ways to Overcome a Painful Past

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Cover of The Road Less Travelled (Arrow New-Age)

This is so good…

Author Scott Peck opens his classic book “The Road Less Travelled” with the following phrase: “Life is difficult.”  The line works because it is so true. Life is not easy, yes – but it’s especially not easy if we don’t, or won’t, or can’t move through that truth and then on into the light.

But moving on requires more than simply getting a shovel and burying the past.  And men, I think we all can agree, are typically fairly handy when it comes to using that particular shovel. We’d simply rather not talk about it, and that turns out to be the very worst we can do.

A hurtful past may include a failed marriage, Vietnam, bullying in school, abusive parents, poverty, discrimination, disappointment, bankruptcy, the loss of a parent – or a combination of events. Whatever the hurt, a way forward is always possible if we’re willing to take a few simple steps.

All Pro Dad recommends starting with this list, 10 ways to overcome a hurtful past…

Source: 10 Ways to Overcome a Painful Past | All Pro Dad

Go to the source for the 10 ways…

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Family issues

English: Lorenz family members.
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We can draw a healthy line, a healthy boundary, between ourselves and our nuclear family. We can separate ourselves from their issues. Some of us may have family members who are addicted to alcohol and other drugs and who are not in recovery from their addiction. Some of us may have family members who have unresolved codependency issues. Family members may be addicted to misery, pain, suffering, martyrdom, and victimization. We may have family members who have unresolved abuse issues or unresolved family of origin issues. We may have family members who are addicted to work, eating, or sex. Our family may be completely enmeshed, or we may have a disconnected family in which the members have little contact. We may be like our family. We may love our family. But we are separate human beings with individual rights and issues. One of our primary rights is to begin feeling better and recovering, whether or not others in the family choose to do the same. We do not have to feel guilty about finding happiness and a life that works. And we do not have to take on our family’s issues as our own to be loyal and to show we love them. Often when we begin taking care of ourselves, family members will reverberate with overt and covert attempts to pull us back into the old system and roles. We do not have to go. Their attempts to pull us back are their issues. Taking care of ourselves and becoming healthy and happy does not mean we do not love them. It means we’re addressing our issues. We do not have to judge them because they have issues; nor do we have to allow them to do anything they would like to us just because they are family. We are free now, free to take care of ourselves with family members. Our freedom starts when we stop denying their issues, and politely, but assertively, hand their stuff back to them—where it belongs—and deal with our own issues. Today, I will separate myself from family members. I am a separate human being, even though I belong to a unit called a family. I have a right to my own issues and growth; my family members have a right to their issues and a right to choose where and when they will deal with these issues. I can learn to detach in love from my family members and their issues. I am willing to work through all necessary feelings in order to accomplish this.

Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (p. 5). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.

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Why Letting Go Is The Best Way To Hold On!

Mastin Kipp of The Daily Love shares this thought on letting go of 2011…

I love this time of year. This post-Holiday, pre-New Year time. It’s a quiet time, a reflective time when the hustle of the Holidays is winding down and the dawn of a New Year is imminent.

Now, it’s true that we can make a change at any time; it doesn’t take a New Year to have to change – but with a New Year at hand, our minds naturally reflect on where we were a year ago and where we want to be a year from now! And then we think about the things we want to do to change our life circumstance – we call these resolutions. We can resolve to change at any time, but I love this time of year because there is a momentum, a wave, a global event that we can use and harness it’s power.

Tomorrow I will write about how to change and what to do if you want to change, but I want to leave that for tomorrow. Today, on the last day of the year, I just want to encourage us all to look back at the year and reflect on it, learn from it, and let it go.

What did you learn this year? What mistakes did you make? What stories did you create about what’s possible for you? What stories did you create about what’s impossible for you? This time last year, were there changes that you wanted to make, but didn’t? Why not? Did you love yourself just a little bit more this year than you did last year? What’s one habit that you DON’T want to bring into 2012? Can today be the LAST DAY of that habit? When would now be a good time to let it go?

We are all moving ahead into 2012 – it’s close enough. But for this moment, let us think back about the year, let us reflect, take a moment to pause and really give 2011 a conscious goodbye – and with it – the habits, stories and beliefs that should stay with it. The first step to creating something new is letting go of what no longer serves you. What no longer serves you?

This is what I mean when I Tweet that “Letting go is the best way to hold on”. We try to control, we agonize over feeling powerless – but all that stress, anxiety and worry leaves us when we remember that we are truly guided by The Uni-verse. When you let go of what pains you, of what no longer serves you, you step into and tap into an energy that we do not still understand – and probably won’t ever truly fully comprehend. But this Energy, this Force, this Creative Uni-verse is guiding us ever so compassionately, ever so diligently, ever so mindfully to a greater and greater outcome. When we let go of the negatives, we leave room for even more awesomeness to enter.

When we see that EVERYTHING is happening FOR US and never TO US, we see the tremendous amount of Grace that our lives are filled with and we can nestle into that knowing that – indeed, every-little-thing-is-gunna-be-alright – and even better than that, everything is PERFECT as it is! So for today, leave the goal setting aside, leave the achieving at the door and just reflect – reflect on this year that is gone.

What can you let go of? What would feel SO GREAT to be free of? What are you most terrified to admit? Then – step into it and let it go!

Source: Why Letting Go Is The Best Way To Hold On!

All the best for you and me in 2012…

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Taking care of Yourself

Feelings (David Byrne album)
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Anger, fear, sadness, betrayal a lot of emotions can run through us when we stop trying to change the other person and start focusing on taking care of ourselves. The good news is that we’re finally feeling our own feelings instead of trying to figure out what the other person feels.

Maybe all those feelings we’ve been avoiding aren’t the opposite of love. Those feelings could be an important step on the path to love.

Inventory Focus: Is there a relationship in your life right now that is bugging you? Are you willing to explore detachment as a means to improving the relationship and regaining your peace?

Source: December 30: Taking care of Yourself | Language of Letting Go

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Getting through the holidays…

Christmas lights on Aleksanterinkatu.

These thoughts from Melody Beattie are helpful to me…

For some, the sights, signs, and smells of the holidays bring joy and a warm feeling. But, while others are joyously diving into the season, some of us are dipping into conflict, guilt, and a sense of loss. We read articles on how to enjoy the holidays, we read about the Christmas blues, but many of us still can’t figure out how to get through the holiday season. We may not know what a joyous holiday would look and feel like. Many of us are torn between what we want to do on the holiday, and what we feel we have to do. We may feel guilty because we don’t want to be with our families. We may feel a sense of loss because we don’t have the kind of family to be with that we want. Many of us, year after year, walk into the same dining room on the same holiday, expecting this year to be different. Then we leave, year after year, feeling let down, disappointed, and confused by it all. Many of us have old, painful memories triggered by the holidays. Many of us feel a great deal of relief when the holiday is ended. One of the greatest gifts of recovery is learning that we are not alone. There are probably as many of us in conflict during the holidays as there are those who feel at peace. We’re learning, through trial and error, how to take care of ourselves a little better each holiday season. Our first recovery task during the holidays is to accept ourselves, our situation, and our feelings about our situation. We accept our guilt, anger, and sense of loss. It’s all okay. There is no right or perfect way to handle the holidays. Our strength can be found in doing the best we can, one year at a time. This holiday season, I will give myself permission to take care of myself.

Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (p. 370). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.

This is me — “Many of us, year after year, walk into the same dining room on the same holiday, expecting this year to be different. Then we leave, year after year, feeling let down, disappointed, and confused by it all. Many of us have old, painful memories triggered by the holidays. Many of us feel a great deal of relief when the holiday is ended.” — This year, I have healthy boundaries around the holidays and I’m not walking into that dining room and I feel relief already…

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Holiday triggers

A Christmas tree inside a home.

One year, when I was a child, my father got drunk and violent at Christmas. I had just unwrapped a present, a bottle of hand lotion, when he exploded in an alcoholic rage. Our Christmas was disrupted. It was terrible. It was frightening for the whole family. Now, thirty-five years later, whenever I smell hand lotion, I immediately feel all the feelings I did that Christmas: the fear, the disappointment, the heartache, the helplessness, and an instinctive desire to control. —Anonymous

There are many positive triggers that remind us of Christmas: snow, decorations, “Silent Night,” “Jingle Bells,” wrapped packages, a nativity scene, stockings hung on a fireplace. These “triggers” can evoke in us the warm, nostalgic feelings of the Christmas celebration. There are other kinds of triggers, though, that may be less apparent and evoke different feelings and memories. Our mind is like a powerful computer. It links sight, sound, smell, touch, and taste with feelings, thoughts, and memories. It links our senses—and we remember. Sometimes the smallest, most innocuous incident can trigger memories. Not all our memories are pleasant, especially if we grew up in an alcoholic, dysfunctional setting. We may not understand why we suddenly feel afraid, depressed, anxious. We may not understand what has triggered our codependent coping behaviors—the low self-worth, the need to control, the need to neglect ourselves. When that happens, we need to understand that some innocuous event may be triggering memories recorded deep within us. If something, even something we don’t understand, triggers painful memories, we can pull ourselves back into theby self-care: acknowledging our feelings, detaching, working the Steps, and affirming ourselves. We can take action to feel good. We can help ourselves feel better each Christmas. No matter what the past held, we can put it in perspective, and create a more pleasant holiday today. Today, I will gently work through my memories of this holiday season. I will accept my feelings, even if I consider them different than what others are feeling this holiday. God, help me let go, heal from, and release the painful memories surrounding the holidays. Help me finish my business from the past, so I can create the holiday of my choice.

Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (p. 369). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.

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The Power Is Powerlessness

Tommy Rosen at The Daily Love has a great reminder for me this morning…

The first step in 12-step programs reads approximately as follows:  “We admitted we were powerless over our addiction and that our lives had become unmanageable.”The wisdom expressed in this step is amazingly powerful and transformative for everybody, not just those who struggle with acute addiction.   All human beings are subject to the human condition, which includes a lot of struggle and suffering along with the joy of being alive.  Let’s take a deeper look at the messages this step provides.We are dealing here with two concepts:  powerlessness and unmanageability.  The unmanageability is a feeling that comes when everything seems overwhelming and out of control.  Most people in recovery can relate to this terrible feeling, which almost always seems to accompany acute addiction.

Admitting powerlessness is not something we love to do and yet, it is the cornerstone of a life of acceptance and humility.  To admit one’s powerlessness is to understand one’s place in the world.  For example, we are powerless over the actions of others.  We cannot control other people.  Simply understanding this can literally change the course of our life.  I struggled for many years trying to “fix” my father.  He was so sick and was making poor choices.  It hurt me so much to see his pain and to watch the results of his poor choices right in front of my eyes.  Truth be told, I became annoying to my father by trying to change him.  He needed acceptance and unconditional love, but it was very difficult for me to give these to him.  When he died, I thought to myself, “Wow, I’ve expended all this effort trying to make my dad better.  It strained our relationship and he has still died, sick and unhappy.”  That was a hard one for me to learn from in my recovery, but it has been one of the greatest lessons of my life.

How about when we admit we are powerless over an addiction as the first-step suggests.  We can understand the idea that we cannot control others.  Yet, it’s a weird thing – and very misunderstood by those who do not know chronic addiction – to not have power over one’s own actions.  People might say, “Look how he continues to hurt himself and others.  Why doesn’t he stop?”  Well, for some people they have literally lost the ability to stop.  The thought-emotion-action-reaction pattern is so ingrained in them that they cannot break out of the pattern without outside help.  Yet, the minute these people are able to admit their own powerlessness, often quite suddenly, they are able to begin a path of recovery and seek the support they need to succeed on that path.  Let’s notice that the word “we” is contained in the first step.  This reminds us of the fact that life is collaborative, that healing is collaborative and that we need each other to succeed.

There is an amazing power in admitting one’s powerlessness.  It is absolutely counter-intuitive, which is why our logical thinking can get in they way.  In recovery you will hopefully come to learn the many ways that you are powerful and you will be blessed indeed not to forget the places where you are powerless.

Source: The First Step To Heal – The Power Is Powerlessness

Tommy’s words also remind me of the immortal words of the Apostle Paul in 2 Cor. 12:10 “That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

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Taking care of myself emotionally

“What does it mean to take care of myself emotionally? I recognize when I’m feeling angry, and I accept that feeling without shame or blame. I recognize when I’m feeling hurt, and I accept those feelings without attempting to punish the source of my pain. I recognize and feel fear when that emotion presents itself. I allow myself to feel happiness, joy, and love when those emotions are available. Taking care of myself means I’ve made a decision that it’s okay to feel. Taking care of my emotions means I allow myself to stay with the feeling until it’s time to release it and go on to the next one. I recognize that sometimes my feelings can help point me toward reality, but sometimes my feelings are deceptive. They are important, but I do not have to let them control me. I can feel, and think too. I talk to people about my feelings when that’s appropriate and safe. I reach out for help or guidance if I get stuck in a particular emotion. I’m open to the lessons my emotions may be trying to teach me. After I feel, accept, and release the feeling, I ask myself what it is I want or need to do to take care of myself. Taking care of myself emotionally means I value, treasure, explore, and cherish the emotional part of myself. Today, I will take care of myself emotionally. I will be open to, and accepting of, the emotional part of myself and other people. I will strive for balance by combining emotions with reason, but I will not allow intellect to push the emotional part of myself away.”

Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (pp. 362-363). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.

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Here’s Why There Are No Victims – Only Volunteers!

We get to choose to be a victim. We place that identity on ourselves and before we know it, we are volunteers to our own victimhood. It’s so easy to feel victimized by the world – and some people will even justify your choice to feel like a victim. But ask yourself, does choosing to be a victim EMPOWER you? Does it bring more kinds of healthy and awesome Love into your life? Does it move your life forward? Does it serve your highest potential or does it keep you stuck in the emotions or guilt, anger, shame and the like?

It’s possible for us to be hurt – and no matter how deep that pain, it is possible for us to learn from it and give it an empowering meaning – and when we do that every day, we turn shit into fertilizer. And then we can really begin planting the seeds of our dreams.

So – what’ll it be today my friend? Victim or co-creator? It’s up to you!

Source: Here’s Why There Are No Victims – Only Volunteers!

Mastin’s post is a long one today. Go to the source if you’d like to read more about victimhood…

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Financial fears

Various Federal Reserve Notes, c.1995. Only th...
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The following is from Melody Beattie’s ‘The Language of Letting Go’…

“I sat in the car, looking at the sign on the door of the food shelf office: “Closed until Friday.” It was Wednesday. I had two hungry children and myself; I had no money. I laid my head on the steering wheel. I couldn’t take it anymore. I had been so strong, so brave, so trusting for so long. I was a single parent with two children, recently divorced. I had worked so courageously at being grateful for what I had, while setting financial goals and working at believing I deserved the best. I had put up with so much poverty, so much deprivation. Daily, I worked the Eleventh Step. I worked so hard at praying for knowledge of God’s will for me only, and the power to carry it through. I believed I was doing what I needed to do in my life. I wasn’t lollygagging. I was doing my best, working my hardest. And there just wasn’t enough money. Life had been a struggle in many ways, but the financial struggle seemed endless. Money isn’t everything, but it takes money to solve certain problems. I was sick of “letting go” and “letting go” and “letting go.” I was sick of “acting as if” I had enough money. I was tired of having to work so hard daily at letting go of the pain and fear about not having enough. I was tired of working so hard at being happy without having enough. Actually, most of the time I was happy. I had found my soul in poverty. But now that I had my soul and my self, I wanted some money too. While I sat in the car trying to compose myself, I heard God speak to me in that silent, still voice that whispers gently to our souls. “You don’t ever have to worry about money again, child. Not unless you want to. I told you that I would take care of you. And I will.” Great, I thought. Thanks a lot. I believe you. I trust you. But look around. I have no money. I have no food. And the food shelf is closed. You’ve let me down. Again I heard His voice in my soul: “You don’t have to worry about money again. You don’t have to be afraid. I promised to meet all your needs.” I went home, called a friend, and asked to borrow some money. I hated borrowing, but I had no choice. My breakdown in the car was a release, but it didn’t solve a thing—that day. There was no check in the mailbox. But I got food for the day. And the next day. And the next. Within six months, my income doubled. Within nine months, it tripled. Since that day, I have had hard times, but I have never had to go without—not for more than a moment in time. Now, I have enough. Sometimes I still worry about money because that seems to be habitual. But now I know I don’t have to, and I know I never did. God, help me work hard at what I believe is right for me in my life today, and I’ll trust You for the rest. Help me let go of my fears about money. Help me turn that area over to You, God. Take away the blocks and barriers in my life to financial success.”

Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (pp. 336-337). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.

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The victim trap

“The belief that life has to be hard and difficult is the belief that makes a martyr. We can change our negative beliefs about life, and whether we have the power to stop our pain and take care of ourselves. We aren’t helpless. We can solve our problems. We do have power—not to change or control others, but to solve the problems that are ours to solve. Using each problem that comes our way to “prove” that life is hard and we are helpless—this is codependency. It’s the victim trap. Life does not have to be difficult. In fact, it can be smooth. Life is good. We don’t have to “awfulize” it, or ourselves. We don’t have to live on the underside. We do have power, more power than we know, even in the difficult times. And the difficult times don’t prove life is bad; they are part of the ups and downs of life; often, they work out for the best. We can change our attitude; we can change ourselves; sometimes, we can change our circumstances. Life is challenging. Sometimes, there’s more pain than we asked for; sometimes, there’s more joy than we imagined. It’s all part of the package, and the package is good. We are not victims of life. We can learn to remove ourselves as victims of life. By letting go of our belief that life has to be hard and difficult, we make our life much easier. Today, God, help me let go of my belief that life is so hard, so awful, or so difficult. Help me replace that belief with a healthier, more realistic view.”

Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (pp. 331-332). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.

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Say it Like it is

Pain
Image by Michelle Brea via Flickr

Acknowledge your pain. Then you can begin to identify the source of it, and in identifying, you can begin to heal. When we open ourselves to emotions, we don’t just get the good ones, like happiness or relief. Feelings are a package deal. We get the entire emotional range.

Pain and suffering are part of the experience of being alive. Things go wrong. Lovers leave us, parents and sometimes children die. We fall, we fail. Don’t hide from your pain.

Don’t bury it under a shell of drugs, alcohol, or shallow achievement. If you hurt, then hurt. Recognize what you’re going through. Then learn to tell it like it is.

God, help me acknowledge the pain in my life instead of trying to mask it with mood-altering substances or mindless busywork. Teach me to say what hurts. Show me what it is that I need to do to heal; then give me the strength to do that.

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The ‘higher power’ and relationships…


Image via Wikipedia

“A definition of Interdependence is, “a reciprocal relation between interdependent entities.”

The key word here is: “reciprocal”. Interdependence can be thought of as a relationship where each party gives and receives from his or her own internal overflow. Which is TOTALLY different than “codependence” which can be thought of as being “addicted to someone”.

Another way to look at it, spiritually, is this:

A codependent person makes someone else his or her Higher Power. An interdependent person knows that The Uni-verse is their Higher Power and keeps their focus on that, while choosing to be in a relationship with someone else who is also looking to The Uni-verse to fulfill them…

You see, when we make someone else our Higher Power, we are REALLY setting ourselves up for pain. This is a top cause of pain in relationships and of break ups. We are looking to someone else for something they can never give us – which is perfect and unwavering Love. There is only one place unwavering Love comes from and that is The Uni-verse.

The Love of The Uni-verse never changes; other people change all the time. When we keep our eyes on The Uni-verse and surrender to It’s will for us, we take everyone else off the hook for our happiness. We no longer seek to take Love from them, but to show up from a place of overflow and give Love to them. This kind of relationship creates two really great givers and FORgivers. This is the cornerstone of having an awesome and long-term relationship.

Are you making a person your Higher Power? Are you ready to take your eyes off of them and put them towards The Uni-verse and accept It’s perfect Love for you? Can you see yourself and those you are in relationship with as imperfect human beings who are fallible and Love them anyways, not because they are fulfilling your every need, but because it is Love that is who you really are? Do you think you might be addicted to someone?” Source; A Top Cause of Relationship Pain & BreakUps!

Of course for me, the Uni-verse is Jesus, but Mastin Kipp makes brilliant sense here. For me, anyway. As Gibran said “Do not say I have found THE truth, but I have found A truth”. Kipp and his site have really been a blessing to me as I try to take a healthier perspective on relationships…

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Take Care of Yourself no Matter What

Alcoholics Anonymous
Image by KayVee.INC via Flickr

Some days, we wake up in the morning, and by the time we go to bed that evening, our life has twisted, changed in a way that we couldn’t predict and don’t want. Our worst fears have come true.

Life as we have known it will never be the same again. The problem isn’t just that this tragedy has come along and knocked our lives for a loop, although that alone would be enough. To complicate matters, we now know how vulnerable we are. And we wonder, in that vulnerability if we can ever trust God, life, or ourselves again.

Many years ago, the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous, a spiritually based program designed to help alcoholics recover, cautioned people not to base sobriety and faith in God on the false notion that any person is immune from tragedy. They knew that life would continue to be life.

You are not alone, in your joy or in your sorrow. You may feel that way for a while. But soon you’ll begin to see that many others have experienced, surrendered to, and transcended a similar misfortune or loss. Your pain is important. But you’re not being singled out. Don’t use your misfortune to prove that you were right all along you’re a victim of circumstance, fate, and God.

“God must really love me,” a young man said one day after walking away from a motorcycle accident that should have been tragic.

God loves all of us, whether we walk away pain free or not.

Keep taking care of yourself, no matter what.

God, transform my pain into compassion for others and myself

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