The Good Feelings

Sunrise 3

Melody Beattie writes:

Let yourself feel the good feelings too.
Yes, sometimes, good feelings can be as distracting as the painful, more difficult ones. Yes, good feelings can be anxiety producing to those of us unaccustomed to them. But go ahead and feel the good feelings anyway.
Feel and accept the joy. The love. The warmth. The excitement. The pleasure. The satisfaction. The elation. The tenderness. The comfort.
Let yourself feel the victory, the delight.
Let yourself feel cared for.
Let yourself feel respected, important, and special.
These are only feelings, but they feel good. They are full of positive, upbeat energy – and we deserve to feel that when it comes our way.
We don’t have to repress. We don’t have to talk ourselves out of feeling good – not for a moment.
If we feel it, it’s ours for the moment. Own it. If it’s good, enjoy it.

Today, God, help me be open to the joy and good feelings available to me.

Source: Daily Meditation ~ The Good Feelings – Miracles In Progress Codependents Anonymous Group

Powerlessness

Melody Beattie writes:

Willpower is not the key to the way of life we are seeking. Surrender is.

“I have spent much of my life trying to make people be, do, or feel something they aren’t, don’t want to do, and choose not to feel. I have made them, and myself, crazy in that process,” said one recovering woman.

“I spent my childhood trying to make an alcoholic father who didn’t love himself be a normal person who loved me. I then married an alcoholic and spent a decade trying to make him stop drinking.

“I have spent years trying to make emotionally unavail­able people be emotionally present for me.

“I have spent even more years trying to make family mem­bers, who are content feeling miserable, happy. What I’m saying is this: I’ve spent much of my life desperately and vainly trying to do the impossible and feeling like a failure when I couldn’t. It’s been like planting corn and trying to make the seeds grow peas. It won’t work!

“By surrendering to powerlessness, I gain the presence of mind to stop wasting my time and energy trying to change and control that which I cannot change and control. It gives me permission to stop trying to do the impossible and focus on what is possible: being who I am, loving myself, feeling what I feel, and doing what I want to do with my life.”

In recovery, we learn to stop fighting lions, simply because we cannot win. We also learn that the more we are focused on controlling and changing others, the more unmanage­able our life becomes. The more we focus on living our own life, the more we have a life to live, and the more manage­able our life will become.

Today, I will accept powerlessness where I have no power to change things, and allow my life to become manageable.” via June 20: Powerlessness.

Are You Addicted To Suffering? (And Ready To Quit?)

I teach my students and clients that one should look for the best three paragraphs when curating; occasionally I say it’s OK to double dip and grab two quotes. When it comes to Kute Blackson, I usually break all my rules – his stuff is sooo good that I usually end up curating his entire post to that it’s easier for you to read the whole think. Today is no exception to the Kute Blackson rule:

Most guru’s or teachers will teach how to avoid suffering. I am going to share with you the seven steps of how to successfully create suffering in your life, so that you can be aware of them and make different choices.

Suffering can become a very dangerous addiction. An unhealthy way to feel. An ultimately unfulfilling way to feel alive. You can get so used to suffering that it becomes comfortable and familiar. Suffering is the ego’s way of feeling important.

Whether you are a businessman or a buddha, pain is inevitable. There is no way to avoid it. Just by virtue of being in a human body there will be some pain. Trying to avoid pain will only create more suffering. Embrace pain to release yourself from suffering.

Suffering is optional. Suffering is a choice.

Suffering comes from your story about what is happening in your life and less about what is actually happening. What is happening is simply what is happening. The suffering part comes from all your interpretations and meanings about the experience. Change your story and the way you are interpreting reality and you begin to change your reality. When you change your reality within yourself, you shift your experience of your reality outside. Once you understand this, you only suffer if you chose to.

What stories are you making up about yourself, your life, your partner, your current experience that is causing you suffering?

The Seven Keys to creating suffering:

1- Resist everything: Resist what is. Resist reality. Fight against what is happening in your life with all your might. This is a guaranteed method to suffer.

Key Solution: Accept what is, so that you can then decide how to shift it.

2- Holding the belief: “The experience that is happening to me should not be happening to me. I should be having some other experience than the one I am having. This shouldn’t be happening to me”. You have probably heard yourself doing some version of this. It just keeps you stuck.

Key Solution: Embrace your current experience. Your current experience is the experience that you are meant to be having because you are having it right now. Trust, and focus on what you can learn and how you can grow. The experience is here to help you evolve.

3- Focusing on all the things that you cannot control. This will only cause you to feel completely helpless and disempowered. It will leave you in a state of worry and anxiety. Some of us are professional “worriers”. No matter how much you worry, it doesn’t actually change the situation. Once you are done worrying, the situation will be the same. Worrying is a waste of time.

Key Solution: Focus on what you can control. Take actions that are in your power, step by step.

4- Refusing to change. Keep doing the same over and over and hoping for a different result. Well, as Einstein said, this is the definition of insanity. Are you so set in your ways that you are afraid of giving up the known suffering for the unknown possibility of happiness?

Key Solution: Embrace change. Be willing to do something different. Let go. Go into the unknown. Take different actions.

5- Give up your responsibility: Be a victim. Play the blame game, making everyone else at fault or responsible for your life and how you feel. Unless you take responsibility for your current experience, then you are powerless to change it.

Key Solution: Take full responsibility for your current reality and decide what changes you are committed to making. Give up blame.

6- Focus on everything that is wrong in your life. Whether a relationship or person. When you focus on what is wrong, you will surely find what is wrong. You will end up creating more of what is wrong to feel wrong about. Then the negative cycle continues.

Key Solution: Start focusing on what you are grateful for. Remember all your blessings, and appreciate that daily. What you appreciates, expands. What you thank about comes about.

7- Denial: Lie to yourself and others. Pretend that everything is fine when you know that it isn’t. When you avoid facing what is, you end up staying stuck and repeating the same patterns of pain and relationship. This only ends up prolonging your suffering.

Key Solution: Tell the truth to yourself first. Tell the truth to those in your life. Be honest. Face reality.

Life is too short to waste spent suffering. Most of what you worry about today, you won’t even remember a few months from now. Most of what you are trying to change in people today, you won’t care about on your deathbed.

You hold the padlock and you hold the key to your freedom.

Source: Are You Addicted To Suffering? (And Ready To Quit?)

Recovering from a painful break up?

notsalmon via Recovering from a painful break up?.

Are You a Saint or a Scorpion?

This is a long story, but one I thought worth sharing:

Once upon a time, on his way to the Himalayas, was a saint, a wandering ascetic. He came across a shallow river he had to cross. Just when he was about to wet his feet, he saw a scorpion helplessly treading the water, trying to come out of the river. It was almost touching the bank but not enough to gain hold of the ground. The sage saw scorpion’s struggle and decided to save it.

He picked up the scorpion in his right palm with the intention to place it on the dry surface. No sooner did he do that than the scorpion stung and rushed off the palm in frenzy, landing in the water again. It resumed its struggle to come out of water. The sage caressed his ailing right hand with his left. His body was in pain but his mind, calm.

Seeing that the scorpion could lose its life, the sage used left hand this time to lift the scorpion out of water. However, it panicked and stung again. Once again, it sped off the hand and fell in water resuming its struggle to come out. The saint was left with both hands singed with excruciating pain. He was not the one to give up either.

He tried again. This time, he cupped his hands together and lifted the scorpion in one swift movement. Before it could react, he safely dropped it on the land. The scorpion disappeared into the pebbles that lay near the bank. The sage felt elated, for, he succeeded in carrying out his resolve, for saving another life, in holding his forte. It was worth the pain he thought.

At a distance, oblivious to the saint, a man, surprised and shocked, had watched the whole episode. He promptly approached the sage and said, “Pray, can I ask you a question please?”

“Yes, you may.”

“First of all, there was no need to save a scorpion. It does no good to anybody. Secondly, if must you save him out of compassion, you could have simply tried once. I’m surprised that even after it stung you so ungratefully, you persisted with your efforts. Why? How come you did not just stomp on it after it stung you?”

“Oh! That’s pretty simple,” the sage replied softly rubbing his stung hands against each other. “This was a scorpion, someone really low on the food chain, a creature whose nature is to sting, to panic, to harm. It is known for not exhibiting any compassion. It is supposed to be weak. Whereas, I am supposed to be a saint, a person whose job is to love everybody, to only offer unconditional love and compassion. I am supposed to be the strong one, the one higher up on the food chain. With my principles and lifestyle, my philosophy and practice, my elevated emotional and mental state, I am supposed to cleanse and transform the other individual. Right?”

The man nodded.

“Well then, a creature as lowly and weak as a scorpion does not change its basic nature, its traits, reactions in the presence of a holy man. Should I, the one who’s supposed to be a saint, let go off my righteous conduct, my demeanor in the presence of a scorpion? Am I now so weak to allow a measly creature change me, throw me off my principles and virtues? It did what it is designed for and I did what I’m designed for. It retained its behavior, and I, mine.”

The man prostrated at the feet of the sage and expressed his gratitude for the profound wisdom.

Living in this world, disagreements are normal, in fact, natural. You will meet people ranging from scorpions to saints, thankful to thankless, from weak to wild, and so forth. If they are able to provoke you, put you off, throw you off balance, they are stronger than you. When in any conflict, if you retain your goodness, you will emerge a winner. If you stoop down to their level, treating them the way they treated you, that invariably means they have won, that means you have become like them. Rarely worth it, if you ask me.

It is often not possible for a person to be one or the other at all times. Sometimes circumstances force you to sting like a scorpion, perhaps you may even repent later on; forgive yourself. A lot more important is to make a serious attempt to act like a saint. Whether you are a sage or a scorpion, it is a matter of choice, an independent choice. You have the option to retain your individuality. Strength comes naturally from such stance.

So, if you are willing, write in the comments below, whether you are:

  • (a) a sage;
  • (b) a scorpion;
  • (c) or you can be either depending on the situation.

If you wish to be a sage under all circumstances, you can. It requires mindfulness and a conscious effort. Nothing will ever bother you thereafter.

Source: Being Yourself: Are You a Saint or a Scorpion?

Montaine wrote: “No man is more monster or miracle than myself” – unfortunately that’s true for me! I’d have answer with letter C right now, but as I’m thinking of the scorpions in my life, I don’t want to give up my power to be response-able and join them. “Am I now so weak to allow a measly creature change me, throw me off my principles and virtues?” If I am, my principles and virtues aren’t worth much, are they?

One more thought; imho the sage in this story isn’t quite so sagey as he comes out in the end. Think before you engage a scorpion! Perhaps his last action — quickly picking up the scorpion and setting it on the bank — should have been his first. Especially when “a creature as lowly and weak as a scorpion does not change its basic nature, its traits, reactions in the presence of a holy man”…

Questions? Feedback?

Loving Ourselves Unconditionally

But most of all? You deserve it from YOURSELF! Melody Beattie writes:

Love yourself into health and a good life of your own.

Love yourself into relationships that work for you and the other person. Love yourself into peace, happiness, joy, success, and contentment.

Love yourself into all that you always wanted. We can stop treating ourselves the way others treated us, if they be­haved in a less than healthy, desirable way. If we have learned to see ourselves critically, conditionally, and in a diminishing and punishing way, it’s time to stop. Other people treated us that way, but it’s even worse to treat ourselves that way now.

Loving ourselves may seem foreign, even foolish at times. People may accuse us of being selfish. We don’t have to believe them.

People who love themselves are truly able to love others and let others love them. People who love themselves and hold themselves in high esteem are those who give the most, contribute the most, love the most.

How do we love ourselves? By forcing it at first. By faking it if necessary. By “acting as if.” By working as hard at lov­ing and liking ourselves as we have at not liking ourselves.

Explore what it means to love yourself.

Do things for yourself that reflect compassionate, nurtur­ing, self-love.

Embrace and love all of yourself — past, present, and fu­ture. Forgive yourself quickly and as often as necessary. Encourage yourself. Tell yourself good things about yourself.

If we think and believe negative ideas, get them out in the open quickly and honestly, so we can replace those beliefs with better ones.

Pat yourself on the back when necessary. Discipline your­self when necessary. Ask for help, for time; ask for what you need.

Sometimes, give yourself treats. Do not treat yourself like a pack mule, always pushing and driving harder. Learn to be good to yourself. Choose behaviors with preferable consequences — treating yourself well is one.

Learn to stop your pain, even when that means making difficult decisions. Do not unnecessarily deprive yourself. Sometimes, give yourself what you want, just because you want it.

Stop explaining and justifying yourself. When you make mistakes, let them go. We learn, we grow, and we learn some more. And through it all, we love ourselves.

We work at it, then work at it some more. One day we’ll wake up, look in the mirror, and find that loving ourselves has become habitual. We’re now living with a person who gives and receives love, because that person loves him- or herself. Self-love will take hold and become a guiding force in our life.

Today, I will work at loving myself. I will work as hard at loving myself as I have at not liking myself. Help me let go of self-hate and behaviors that reflect not liking myself. Help me replace those with behaviors that reflect self-love. Today, God, help me hold my­self in high self-esteem. Help me know I’m lovable and capable of giving and receiving love.” via June 16: Loving Ourselves Unconditionally.

Workin’ your body weight…

David Kanigan shared this great video as part of his morning workout schedule…

It’s a great reminder for me! I live in rural Wisconsin where we don’t have health clubs or fitness centers. For years, I’ve let myself go to hell physically because the nearest YMCA is 18 miles away in Sturgeon Bay — after all, how could I workout without an elliptical machine?

Lately I’ve made a couple of important changes that are helping me quite a bit;

  • Eating mostly live or unprocessed foods [no more cheddarwurst, David!] — Brussels Sprouts ROCK!!! Try this recipe.
  • Drinking mostly water and tea, although I’m still addicted to my morning ‘red eye’ [coffee with two shots of espresso] and the occasional beer from Titletown Brewing Company in Green Bay. I don’t drink with meals — doesn’t help the digestion at all and food/beverage pairings have been the death of me; ie, cookies and milk, pizza and beer, cheddarwurst and diet soda. Some things that go together just shouldn’t go together in your body…
  • Walking every day. I used to be a runner until I had back surgery in 1990. I thought walking was for wusses — it was, the way I was doing it. I use Endomondo on my smartphone to compete against myself and walk miles in less than 14 minutes. Doing it that way, walking helps! NOT walking or exercising is for wusses. I bike, also and Endomondo has a website that shows me how all my efforts are adding up, too…
  • Yoga. Yup, Yoga. I have a couple of apps on my smartphone like Daily Yoga for Back Buildup and Sworkit that are really useful for toning my almost 54 year old body. Clients like Jackie Dumaine have been instrumental in changing my mindset around tools like yoga, too…
  • Last? I threw out my scale. In the past, I’ve lost 50lbs. three times; once using running in college, twice using Atkins. Atkins sucked for me — it was painful and the weight came back because the lifestyle is not sustainable. But, I wanted the instant gratification from the scale. This time around, I don’t let the scale tell me if I’m having a good day. I know if I’m doing the work or not and that if I do the right things, the right results will follow. I’m also not in it for a quick fix — I’m in it for the long haul; I want to live the rest of my life fit and healthy, not letting a mechanical device tell me if I’ve been good or bad.
You might be thinking to yourself at this point that I’m Captain Obvious but this stuff is just dawning on me now. David’s video got me thinking about the good decisions I’ve been making lately and the difference they are making in EVERYTHING I do and it’s encouragement to dig down deeper and do even more. Thanks, buddy! Saturday Morning Work-Out Inspiration: Workin’ your body weight… – Lead.Learn.Live..

He Who Sits the Most Dies the Soonest

Sitting Alone…people who sat more than 11 hours a day had a 40% higher risk of dying in the next three years than people who sat less than four hours a day. This was after adjusting for factors such as age, weight, physical activity and general health status, all of which affect the death risk. It also found a clear dose-response effect: the more people sat, the higher their risk of death.

The results are part of the Sax Institute’s 45 and Up Study, the largest ongoing study of healthy aging in the Southern Hemisphere. It compared the self-reported daily sitting time of 222,497 Australian adults 45 years or older with their likelihood of death in the next three years.

Healthy or sick, active or inactive, the more people sat, the more likely they were to die in the next three years. Physical activity did reduce this risk significantly: the 40% higher death risk found when comparing people who sat the most to those who sat the least increased to 100% when comparing those who sat the most and exercised the least to those who sat the least and exercised the most. But while the death risk was much lower for anyone who exercised five hours a week or more, it still rose as these active people sat longer.” via theatlantic.com

What a great study! If you sit….you need to move more! If you have pain from too much sitting and need help to get started on a more active lifestyle…call today to schedule a consultation.”via Confirmed: He Who Sits the Most Dies the Soonest | Ashwaubenon Chiropractic.

George Washington assigned to lead the Continental Army; This Day in History

On this day in 1775, George Washington, who would one day become the first American president, accepts an assignment to lead the Continental Army.

Washington had been managing his family’s plantation and serving in the Virginia House of Burgesses when the second Continental Congress unanimously voted to have him lead the revolutionary army. He had earlier distinguished himself, in the eyes of his contemporaries, as a commander for the British army in the French and Indian War of 1754.

Born a British citizen and a former Redcoat, Washington had, by the 1770s, joined the growing ranks of colonists who were dismayed by what they considered to be Britain’s exploitative policies in North America. In 1774, Washington joined the Continental Congress as a delegate from Virginia. The next year, the Congress offered Washington the role of commander in chief of the Continental Army.

After accepting the position, Washington sat down and wrote a letter to his wife, Martha, in which he revealed his concerns about his new role. He admitted to his “dear Patcy” that he had not sought the post but felt “it was utterly out of my power to refuse this appointment without exposing my Character to such censures as would have reflected dishonour upon myself, and given pain to my friends.” He expressed uneasiness at leaving her alone, told her he had updated his will and hoped that he would be home by the fall. He closed the letter with a postscript, saying he had found some of “the prettiest muslin” but did not indicate whether it was intended for her or for himself.

On July 3, 1775, Washington officially took command of the poorly trained and under-supplied Continental Army. After six years of struggle and despite frequent setbacks, Washington managed to lead the army to key victories and Great Britain eventually surrendered in 1781. Due largely to his military fame and humble personality, Americans overwhelmingly elected Washington their first president in 1789.

via George Washington assigned to lead the Continental Army — History.com This Day in History — 6/15/1775.

The Key To Healing It Is Feeling It; Embrace All Your Feelings As A Gift!

The challenge with curation is often finding the best 3 paragraphs to share. Kute Blackson’s post is so good today that I just grabbed the whole think. Sorry, Kute – hope you don’t mind…

All of your feelings are a gift.

Yet we often judge feelings as good or bad. We often try to eliminate the bad ones and feel only the good ones. However, in doing so, you end up disconnecting from the full range of your heart, self-expression and power.

To the degree that you suppress what you might think of as the negative feelings is to the degree that you also disconnect from your capacity to fully experience the positive feelings.

Ultimately, there are no good or bad feelings. Feelings are just energy moving through your body. Every feeling is a signal, which if you pay attention to will point you in the direction of something that you actually need to deal with, a part of you that needs loving compassion or needs to be released. Even the feelings you label as bad are simply a signal. They are like a fire alarm trying to get you to pay attention to a part of yourself. If you don’t listen, the signal gets louder and louder until you do. If you keep suppressing, the feelings end up coming out anyway most likely in a not so gracious way (AKA -You lose it, or have a meltdown and explode)!

When you suppress your authentic feelings, those feelings simply remain incomplete buried deep within you. You often end up recreating situations and relationships in your life based on those old incomplete feelings, as there is a deep impulse within us to complete what is incomplete.

What you might call “bad” feelings show you the parts of yourself that need your love and healing. Healing is applying love to the parts of yourself that are hurting. When you hold a space of compassion for yourself and the full range of your feelings without any judgment, this compassion has a transformative effect.

As children we learn to disconnect from our authentic feelings. We disconnect as a way to avoid pain, hurt, rejection, shame etc.  And it becomes a survival mechanism in order to function and protect ourselves.  That way of being may have “worked” for us as children to survive, but take this way of being into our adulthood and end up recreating those same incomplete childhood patterns over and over, it only creates suffering.

What feelings are you suppressing?

What feelings are you disconnecting from?

What feelings are you afraid of feeling and acknowledging within your self?

Take an honest look.

The feelings that you suppress, or are unwilling to acknowledge and embrace, will run you!

The feelings that you are unable to have will end up having you.

When you suppress your real feelings, whether anger, sadness or hurt – over time, you might end up finding yourself feeling depressed, heavy, irritated and lacking aliveness. The heaviness is a sign that you are suppressing and ends up clouding your ability to now feel joy in the present moment.

No feelings last forever. But we are sometimes afraid to feel the feelings we think are bad because we are worried we will stay stuck there. Know this: all feelings pass. None are permanent. To the degree you can feel them, you will let them go and feel more alive.

So do not resist the negative feelings, feel them fully with total awareness whilst connecting to the sensations in your body. They will move through you and dissolve.

Similarly, no positive feelings will last forever either. So when you feel a positive feeling, simply feel it fully with total awareness, without trying to make it stay, and you might find yourself experiencing it longer. What often happens is in an effort to keep the “good” feelings we try to make it stay, which creates a contraction. In doing so we start to lose the positive feeling even more quickly!

When you are willing to embrace and love the dark in you, you are then able to more fully embrace your light. However, let me be clear, it is NOT about wallowing in your negativity and dark feelings using that as an excuse. Feeling authentically isn’t wallowing or indulging. It is simply about acknowledging and integrating what your feelings have to share with you and allowing them to move through you in a healthy way.

Ultimately you are not your feelings, whether good or bad. You are beyond them all. Your relationship with your feelings is as important as the feelings themselves. No need to be afraid or run away from them.

Your feelings are a portal into a deeper dimension of yourself and thus a deeper dimension of your own Divinity and freedom.

Your feelings are a gift. Sometimes you just need to patiently unwrap them, so you can find the important message inside.

When you feel it, you heal it.

And when you heal it, you can be more of the real you that you are meant to be.

It is time.

Love. Now.

Source: The Key To Healing It Is Feeling It…Embrace All Your Feelings As A Gift!

Disappointed Someone? It’s Okay. Get Over It.

“When we are the one responsible behind disappointment, we find ourselves poked by both ends of a double-edged sword – on the one side wounded by disappointment in ourselves, and the other traumatized with guilt towards the party affected.

But like toothaches and awkward puberty, we have to accept the fact that we are all bound to the possibility of disappointment, be it by ourselves, family, friends or co-workers; or by circumstances beyond our control, such as bad timing or a chain of events that eventually domino-crumble down our path.

Disappointment is an essential part of our growth and self-discovery, and despite being uncomfortable and hurtful, teaches us to trust ourselves, recognize our strengths and weaknesses, and let go of our hold on perfection.

By actively avoiding disappointment onto others, sometimes we set ourselves up for more failure and pain instead of less, or none at all.

We understand that like people, disappointment comes in many different shapes and sizes. While we don’t reproach the remorse that comes with our wrongdoing (hey, that’s a sign of empathy, right?), we’re definitely not down with the idea of indulging in continuous self-pity over a missed deadline or a forgotten detail.

So here are some tips you can apply in your personal or work life on how to overcome the emotional self-flagellation that comes with having disappointed someone.” Get more here: Disappointed Someone? It’s Okay. Get Over It..

Sadness

Grief

Melody Beattie via:

“Ultimately, to grieve our losses means to surrender to our feelings.

So many of us have lost so much, have said so many good-byes, have been through so many changes. We may want to hold back the tides of change, not because the change isn’t good, but because we have had so much change, so much loss.

Sometimes, when we are in the midst of pain and grief, we become shortsighted, like members of a tribe described in the movie Out of Africa.

“If you put them in prison;’ one character said, describ­ing this tribe, “they die:’

“Why?” asked another character.

“Because they can’t grasp the idea that they’ll be let out one day. They think it’s permanent, so they die:’

Many of us have so much grief to get through. Sometimes we begin to believe grief, or pain, is a permanent condition.

The pain will stop. Once felt and released, our feelings will bring us to a better place than where we started. Feeling our feelings, instead of denying or minimizing them, is how we heal from our past and move forward into a better future. Feeling our feelings is how we let go.

It may hurt for a moment, but peace and acceptance are on the other side. So is a new beginning.

God, help me fully embrace and finish my endings, so I may be ready for my new beginnings.” via June 11: Sadness.

Basics of Codependency

Codependency: The Game

“Whether Codependency is developed in childhood or in adulthood the Codependent demonstrates a lack of trust in themselves. Because they are unable to fix what they see as other peoples problems they feel deficient. Because they believe the lies that a Dependent tells them after being challenged by the Codependent (who often correctly asses the situation in the first place) they learn not to trust their own judgement or intuition. This lack of trust in themselves often leads to them clinging on to those who cannot or will not love them back – often settling for too little. Codependents are also controlled by others and find it hard to resist when someone they grow tired of caring for says or does something that indicates things may change, that they will make more effort and behave how the Codependent expects. So they stick by the Dependent hoping things will be different this time.

Codependents deny their true feelings (fear, neediness, anger, ambivalence towards a Dependent) because they are afraid that they may have to acknowledge that they have to take an action that they really don’t want to take e.g. leaving the Dependent or face a truth that they do not want to face e.g. they can’t fix this problem, the Dependent is abusive etc. Denial of feelings leads to physical problems as the body starts to struggle with the effects of stress and anxiety e.g. high blood pressure, fatigue etc. or as often can happen the effects of substance abuse/food abuse that the Codependent practices in order to numb their emotional pain.

Codependents undertake in manipulative behaviour in the name of love and trying to help but in the end “We aren’t the people who ‘make things happen’. Co-dependents are the people who consistently, and with a great deal of effort and energy, try to force things to happen” Beattie pg. 76. Codependents don’t understand that they don’t have to control others and that any element of control means that the other person would normally have no interest in achieving the outcome the Codependent wants to achieve. They ignore the reality because they are frightened of what it really means for them. “People ultimately do what they want to do. They feel how they want to feel (or how they are feeling); they think what they want to think; they do the things they believe they need to do; and they will change only when they are ready to change. It doesn’t matter if they’re wrong and we’re right. It doesn’t matter if they’re hurting themselves. It doesn’t matter that we could help them if they’d only listen to, and cooperate with, us. IT DOESN’T MATTER” Beattie pg. 80-81.” via Basics of Codependency.

Shiny Suspension

“All this shiny stuff caught my eye.  It’s the front suspension of a very cool hot rod I saw at the last car show in Algoma, Wisconsin. All of the chrome caught my eye and the car’s colorful, custom paint job made the perfect background.” via Shiny Suspension | Pops Digital.

Boundaries


Can I go a single day without quoting Melody Beattie? I don’t think so!

“Sometimes, life and people seem to push and push. Be­cause we are so used to pain, we may tell ourselves it doesn’t hurt. Because we are so used to people controlling and manipulating us, we may tell ourselves there is something wrong with us.

There’s nothing wrong with us. Life is pushing and hurting to get our attention. Sometimes, the pain and pushing are pointing toward a lesson. The lesson may be that we’ve be­come too controlling. Or maybe were being pushed to own our power to take care of ourselves. The issue is boundaries.

If something or somebody is pushing us to our limits, that’s exactly what’s happening: we’re being pushed to our limits. We can be grateful for the lesson that’s here to help us explore and set our boundaries.

Today, I will give myself permission to set the limits I want and need to set in my life.” via June 8: Boundaries.

How to Bounce Back from a “Vortex”

Positively Positive via How to Bounce Back from a “Vortex”.

Snickers doesn’t satisfy!

My buddy Jon Swanson shares this:

I used to argue strongly on behalf of Snickers as a healthy snack. After all, it has peanuts. That makes it healthier than other candy bars like 3 Musketeers that are just fluff.

I was helped in the argument by an ad campaign which affirmed that if you were looking for satisfaction, Snickers was the place to turn. I assume that they were suggesting that it was satisfying primarily for those moments when you are hungry.

What I must acknowledge, however, is that the temporary satisfaction of the hunger pain comes at a nutritional price. There are other options.There are healthier options. But when it’s so easy to go downstairs and get one and there aren’t any of the other options around, you go for the Snickers.

What is more satisfying, I am learning, is being able to buy smaller jeans.

What I am also learning is that I wasn’t just satisfying my hunger. Often, I eat because I don’t want to think. I don’t want to sit still and work through the idea or the tough email or the reflective self-examination or the quiet waiting before God.

I think it’s why God said to Isaiah,

Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.

That hunger that I think is for Snickers is actually a deeper hunger, in my soul rather than my stomach. I know full well that we need food. Because we are created with taste buds, I’m pretty sure we are designed to enjoy good food well. I also know that I spend money of snacks not good, time on words that don’t feed.

But I am slowly shifting both foods.

Source: I’m gradually learning that Snickers doesn’t satisfy. | 300 words a day

It sounds like Jon and I have been on a similar path these days; learning about the benefits of exercise and healthy eating all over again…

Jon has his exercise bike and I’m using a ‘real’ bike combined with fitness walking and yoga with my wife to exercise. Jon is setting aside Snickers and I’m drinking nothing but water, tea and coffee and working to make live foods more than 75% of my diet most days. Exercising the body satisfies. Eating healthy — most times organic — foods satisfies. We both agree Jesus satisfies…

All this goodness in my life is flowing from Celebrate Recovery and healing within, fighting and sometimes defeating codependency and other unhealthy habits. I used to look for the quick fix — the silver bullet — but now I look for lasting change and it’s driven by a hunger for ‘real food’…

Paint Pole

The Meta Picture via Paint Pole.

Honesty

Melody Beattie writes:

“Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.” Step Five of Al Anon

Talking openly and honestly to another person about our­selves, in an attitude that reflects self-responsibility, is critical to recovery.

It’s important to admit what we have done wrong to others and to ourselves. Verbalize our beliefs and our behaviors. Get our resentments and fears out in the open.

That’s how we release our pain. That’s how we release old beliefs and feelings. That’s how we are set free. The more clear and specific we can be with our Higher Power, our­selves, and another person, the more quickly we will experience that freedom.

Step Five is an important part of the recovery process. For those of us who have learned to keep secrets from ourselves and others, it is not just a step — it is a leap toward becom­ing healthy.

Today I will remember that it’s okay to talk about the issues that bother me. It is by sharing my issues that I will grow beyond them. I will also remember that it’s okay to be selective about those in whom I confide. I can trust my instincts and choose someone who will not use my disclosures against me, and who will give me healthy feedback.” via June 5: Honesty.

Why is the Queen still revered?

The ever controversial Niall O’Dowd writes this:

If the Queen of England were an elected position Elizabeth II  would have been forced out long ago.

Her sixty-year reign has coincided with the total loss of the British Empire and a deeply reduced place for Britain in the world.

Just consider 1953, the year she came to the throne.

It was still the aftermath of the Second World War and Britain was first among all countries in Europe.

The detested Germans were defeated and partitioned and their economy and country seemingly in ruins.

Fast forward 60 years and the Germans are running Europe again and Britain is back to being sick man of Europe along with Spain, Portugal, Italy, Greece, and Ireland of course.

They hardly have a voice in European affairs which are now overseen by France and Germany basically.

Back in 1953 the new Queen oversaw an empire that governed vast tracts of land in Africa, Asia, Europe, and elsewhere on the globe.

During her reign the British were reduced to fighting Argentina over an utterly nondescript island called Malvinas/Falklands and playing second fiddle to American forces just about everywhere.

The decline and fall of the British Empire under Elizabeth in another era would have resulted in a trial and the Tower of London for a goodly spell methinks.” Get more here: Why the Queen who lost the British Empire is still revered — Elizabeth II lucky she’s not locked in the Tower of London | Periscope Niall O’Dowd | IrishCentral.

I’m not sure I have a retort…

For the Next 24 Hours…

Melody Beattie writes:

For the next twenty-four hours…

In recovery, we live life one day at a time, an idea requiring an enormous amount of faith. We refuse to look back—unless healing from the past is part of today’s work. We look ahead only to make plans. We focus on this day’s activity, living it to the best of our ability. If we do that long enough, we’ll have enough connected days of healthy living to make something valuable of our life.

…I pray for knowledge of Your will for me only,…

We surrender to God’s will. We stop trying to control, and we settle for a life that is manageable. We trust our Higher Power’s will for us—that it’s good, generous, and with direction. We’re learning, through trial and error, to separate our will from God’s will. We’re learning that God’s will is not offensive. We’ve learned that sometimes there’s a difference between what others want us to do and God’s will. We’re also learning that God did not intend for us to be codependent, to be martyrs, to control or caretake. We’re learning to trust ourselves.

…and the power to carry that through.

Some of recovery is accepting powerlessness. An important part of recovery is claiming the power to take care of ourselves. Sometimes, we need to do things that are frightening or painful. Sometimes, we need to step out, step back, or step forward. We need to call on the help of a Power greater than ourselves to do that. We will never be called upon to do anything that we won’t be empowered to do.

Today, I can call upon an energizing Power Source to help me. That Power is God. I will ask for what I need.

Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (pp. 122-123). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.

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