How To Let Go Of Codependency

Shelly Bullard writes:

Codependency is one of those words that gets tossed around a lot, but I’m not sure many people really know what it means. The definition can be both vague and all-encompassing.

Codependency is not a word I use too often because I find that it can come off sounding derogatory—like something is wrong with you if you’re codependent. And I personally like to steer clear from labeling people as flawed.

But another reason I don’t use the word often is because I prefer the phrase “to be human”—because from my experience, we all have codependent tendencies. (So let’s agree to drop the pejorative label right here, shall we?)

The reality is, codependent behavior is quite common in relationships. Therefore it seems appropriate to give it some air-time. In this article I am going to discuss what I know about codependency and give you some suggestions on how to shift this pattern in your life.

Codependency is a word used to describe the process of using another person’s feelings to dictate how you feel.

So this could mean that you are dependent on someone else’s positive attention or positive affect to feel good. And this could mean that someone’s negative attention or negative affect makes you feel bad. (And anything in between.)

When you are codependent, you make another person your higher power. Your sense of well-being (and lack thereof) is dependent on them.

Full story at: How To Let Go Of Codependency.

The best of ‘what I see’ for 12/17/2012 (toddlohenry.com)
Are You Sabotaging Yourself? (letlifeinpractices.com)
Codependency (lkg4btrlife.wordpress.com)
Do You Know How Hard it is to NOT be Codependant? (chipinmyheart.wordpress.com)

January 24, 2013 1

How to Spot A Narcissist and Walk Away

Kelly O’Brien writes this:

Most of us have been in a relationship with a narcissist. Perhaps you’ve been sucked in by a self-absorbed family member, a spouse, a boyfriend, a co-worker, or a friend.

Perhaps you thought it was your fault when the narcissist left you feeling diminished and full of despair.

The truth is, your only “fault” was getting involved with the narcissist in the first place!

Learning to spot this toxic behavior before it hurts you is crucial to your health. A huge part of wellness is surrounding ourselves with healthy people and healthy relationships. If we have unhealthy relationships, we need to assess whether or not they can transform, or we must find the strength to walk away.

So, let’s talk about how to spot a narcissist and how to walk away from one.

Here Are 6 Qualities of a Narcissist:

He or she rarely takes responsibility for problems and instead blames them on everyone else.

The narcissist expresses little emotion, particularly during conflict with you. When you do express emotion, he or she blames you for doing so. It’s a subtle form of abuse.

He or she drains you, but thrives on your energy. Consider how much energy you are expending on this relationship… my guess is that it’s your effort keeping the relationship alive. You’re most likely exhausted emotionally and physically because you do all of the planning, all of the apologizing, and all of the work to ‘fix’ what is wrong.

This person is charming, often a flirt, and thinks very highly of himself.

This person is irresponsible with his finances, career, drinking, and/or keeping his home in order.

Jekyll & Hyde: This person is so incredibly endearing, but when you say one thing wrong, she snaps at you. You walk on eggshells wanting to do everything right.

Once you have determined that you are with a narcissist, the wisest thing to do is to walk away.

Why?

There is no reasoning with this individual. You will inevitably lose every single argument and end most conflicts thinking everything was your fault. You will end up apologizing. You will end up in counseling and you will be the one to end up losing your self-esteem.

You can avoid all of this!

Go here to learn how: How to Spot A Narcissist and Walk Away

November 28, 2012 4

Social Media Platforms, Narcissists, Borderlines and Histrionics: The Lure of Blogs, Facebook and MySpace

Dr Tara J. Palmatier writes:

Over the last few months, many Shrink4Men readers have posted comments about how much time their spouses, girlfriends and exes spend on Facebook, MySpace, Twitter personal blogs and other social media platforms like mommy and bridal websites. Their behavior goes far beyond the typical sharing of family photos or funny news links. These individuals create their own public-relations-spin-control-propaganda-I-am-the-center-of-the universe profiles, networks and feeds.

One recently divorced reader’s (Still Recovering) ex-wife became obsessed with her profile and “friends” on a popular bridal site, TheKnot, and then a newlywed site, TheNest. His ex maintained her elaborate profile post-divorce—including photos of him and their wedding—and communicated with her followers as if they were still married. After repeatedly requesting that she remove his photos, he publicly outed her regarding the divorce. His ex and her online friends erupted into a flame war in which they portrayed him as the abusive psycho rather than his ex-wife who was masquerading as a perennial bride-newlywed in order to maintain her status and feel special. Still Recovering suspects that his ex-wife may, in fact, be a narcissistic personality.

Other readers report that their wives, girlfriends and exes spend inordinate amounts of time every day fine tuning their profiles and posting updates in which they portray themselves as busy “super moms/super wives/super martyrs” who single-handedly run their households and take care of their children and husbands. One wonders how they do all of this while spending most of the day online.

What’s the connection between narcissism and social media?” Read the rest of the article here: Social Media Platforms, Narcissists, Borderlines and Histrionics: The Lure of Blogs, Facebook and MySpace « A Shrink for Men.

Social Media Marketing 101 (twincreekmedia.com)
What does it say about you to use online social media? (boomercafe.com)

July 18, 2012 2

John Edwards, Guilty of Narcissism?

Narcissism helps us all get by in the face of adversity. It helps us believe in ourselves enough to keep going. We all have some of it, or we wouldn’t have survived this long. Entrepreneurs, actors, politicians and many professionals (doctors, lawyers, etc.) tend to have above-average rates of narcissism, because it helps them push forward despite repeated criticism, rejection, set-backs and occasional public humiliation.

In other words, they believe in themselves so much more and in what other people think so much less, that they can survive as risk-takers – and they are risk-takers. When they have a good idea, good talent and other good qualities, this narcissism helps them contribute to society from positions of leadership and power. You want your leaders to have some extra narcissism so that they can cope in protecting us from strong enemies and leading us forward in dealing with big problems.” Get more here: John Edwards, Guilty of Narcissism? | HCI High Conflict Speakers, Books.

John Edwards not guilty of illegal campaign contributions; mistrial on other charges (news.blogs.cnn.com)

June 5, 2012 0

Splitting

Splitting creates instability in relationships, because one person can be viewed as either personified virtue or personified vice at different times, depending on whether he or she gratifies the subject’s needs or frustrates them. This along with similar oscillations in the experience and appraisal of the self lead to chaotic and unstable relationship patterns, identity diffusion, and Other-directed mood swings. Consequently, the therapeutic process can be greatly impeded by these oscillations, because the therapist too can become the target of splitting. To overcome the negative effects on treatment outcome, constant interpretations by the therapist are needed.[1]

Splitting contributes to unstable relationships and intense emotional experiences, something that has been noted especially with narcissists. Alexander Abdennur writes in his book on narcissistic personality disorder, Camouflaged Aggression, that “[t]hrough this splitting mechanism, the narcissist can suddenly and radically shift his allegiance. A trusted friend can become an enemy; the partner may become an adversary.”[2]

Treatment strategies have been developed for individuals and groups based on dialectical behavior therapy, and for couples.[3] There are also self help books on related topics such as mindfulness and emotional regulation that have been helpful for individuals who struggle with the consequences of splitting.[4]” Get more here: Splitting (psychology) – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.