Tag: Mental Health

Codepedence is not just an issue for partners of addicts

I don’t normally curate this much content in one ‘swell foop’ as I like to say but Melody Beattie’s perspective on owning your own stuff and Mark Brower’s comments on same were so good I couldn’t find anything to exclude. Mark starts out and then quotes my ‘Language of Letting Go’ reading for today…

Many of us struggle with codependency. When addiction is present in a relationship, the old model was that the addict was “dependent” and his or her spouse was “codependent.” But today we know that usually both the addict and spouse struggle with codependency in its various forms.

Codependency happens when we lose touch with our sense of self, and become over-dependent on how other people are doing, and/or how they perceive us. Since we are not “okay” with ourselves, we have to work overtime to ensure that other people around us are doing okay, and/or that they feel good about us.

So we wind up tolerating things we shouldn’t tolerate, feeling responsible for things we shouldn’t feel responsible for, and compromising what we want simply in order to please someone else. This inevitably leads to distress and frustration, which causes the addict to move deeper into their addiction, and for the addict’s spouse to cope in other ways.

The issue of codependence is complicated for Christians, because it gets mixed up with our desire to love and serve other people. The Bible tells us to “consider others better than ourselves.” But the same Bible also tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves, which presupposes some sort of healthy self-regard. The Bible also portrays Jesus himself taking time away from the crowds – not being “nice” and doing what they want him to do – in order to rest and reconnect with God the Father.

The trick to living a recovery life in relationships with others is to know how to separate healthy love with unhealthy codependence.

Melody Beattie has been a great help for me over the years with her many books on this topic. One of her best books on this topic is a daily meditation book called “The Language of Letting Go.”

In another article on this blog, I wrote about codependence, and quoted at length from her book. But it’s so good and helpful that I want to quote some more! What follows are some excerpts about the issue of “Property Lines”:

A helpful tool in our recovery, especially in the behavior we call detachment, is learning to identify who owns what. Then we let each person own and possess his or her rightful property.

If another person has an addiction, a problem, a feeling, or a self-defeating behavior, that is their property, not ours. If someone is a martyr, immersed in negativity, controlling, or manipulative, that is their issue, not ours.

If someone has acted and experienced a particular consequence, both the behavior and the consequence belong to that person.

People’s lies, deceptions, tricks, manipulations, abusive behaviors, inappropriate behaviors, cheating behaviors, and tacky behaviors belong to them, too. Not us.

People’s hopes and dreams are their property. Their guilt belongs to them too. Their happiness or misery is also theirs. So are their beliefs and messages.

If some people don’t like themselves, that is their choice. Their choices are their property, not ours. What people choose to say and do is their business.

What is our property? Our property includes our behaviors, problems, feelings, happiness, misery, choices, and messages; our ability to love, care, and nurture; our thoughts, our denial, our hopes and dreams for ourselves. Whether we allow ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, deceived, or mistreated is our business.

In recovery, we learn an appropriate sense of ownership. If something isn’t ours, we don’t take it. If we take it, we learn to give it back. Let other people have their property, and learn to own and take good care of what’s ours.

Today, I will work at developing a clear sense of what belongs to me, and what doesn’t. If it’s not mine, I won’t keep it. I will deal with myself, my issues, and my responsibilities.

If you want to learn more about codependence, consider signing up for the Recovery Journey, an e-course for people in recovery from sexual struggles. If you are the partner of someone who struggles, note that we have a special module with materials just for the partners. You can learn more about this program at the website: http://recoveryjourney.com

Source: Codepedence is not just an issue for partners of addicts | sexualsanity.com

Codependence is a constant battle for me and it has made made my wife’s vacation in Italy even more difficult than the simple logistics of trying to run a business and hold down the fort with 4 boys while she’s gone but by the grace of God, with the help of Celebrate Recovery, my good friends Sandy and Steve and Melody Beattie’s good thoughts. we are winning on this trip! If these issues resonate with you, drop me a note below. I’ll be happy to share with you what I have…

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One day at a time…

“It’s easy to look at all the tasks and unsolved problems and feel so pressured that we get paralyzed and don’t get any­thing done. It takes discipline to gather in our scattered forces and focus on one thing, one day, one step, and some­times one hour—even when taking only that one step can seem so trivial in the face of all that looms.

Would you rather try to do everything at once and get nothing done, or take one small step and do that well? Remember, one plus one equals two.

Inventory Focus: Are you creating unnecessary fear and drama by taking on more than you can handle? Are you willing to trade in the I’m-out-of-control-and-overwhelmed feeling for a sense of manageability? Do you have any history with deliberately living life one day or one step at a time? How did that work? Plans, goals, and dreams are good, but the only way to get there is one day at a time.” via May 12.

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Perfection?

Another great perspective from Melody Beattie…

Melody Beattie

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10 Rules Of Relationship Conflict Resolution

Rules of Engagement (TV series)

“Great relationships develop not from the absence of conflict, but from determining an agreeable pattern for how to resolve conflict. Defining the rules of engagement for how you “fight” with someone you care about is ultimately much more important than trying to never have a disagreement.” Healthy Living on HuffingtonPost.com via Rory Vaden: 10 Rules Of Relationship Conflict Resolution.

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Easy does it…

“I watched a friend set up beach chairs and an umbrella. He was grunting, groaning, trying with all his might to accomplish a simple task. After he finished, he looked around and clapped the sand off his hands.

“I’m pretty dumb,” he said. “It didn’t have to be that hard or that much work.”

Yes, life really can be easier. Relaxing and letting it unfold can seem too simple and easy at times. What if we really knew that it was okay to gently go about our lives, living and working and handling things at a relaxed pace? What if we knew it was okay to gently take care of ourselves, and that a force would be present to guide us and help us accomplish each task, each problem, in fact, all the parts of our lives?

Life experience truly has taught me that when I relax, I am so much more capable of experiencing great happi­ness as well as simple joys. Things get done, problems get solved, and my needs get met.

Gratitude Focus: We can be grateful for all the situations that teach and remind us that “easy does it” works.” via May 11.

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…on One Day at a Time

“Arc you always this happy?” I asked my favorite clerk at the grocery store.

“I am today,” he said.

Doing anything forever – even being happy – can seem like too much. The good news is that we don’t have to do anything forever. Just today.

Challenge: The hardest part about taking life one day at a time is remembering that the present moment is all we have.” via May 10.

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…on One Day at a Time

“One day at a time” isn’t a value I acquired because I wanted to. I had to. Now I apply it because I want to.

Application: Sailing through life? Falling in love? Plenty of money? Or maybe things aren’t going that well. Lonely? Dealing with relationship issues? Not sure how the relationship will work out?Your boss is driving you nuts, but you don’t want to quit? Concerned about your child? Whatever circumstances we find ourselves in, taking each day as it comes is a good idea.” via May 9.

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…on Taking One Day at a Time

More Melody Beattie…

“My best friend was going through some tough situations in her life. I was in the midst of a hard stretch too. We didn’t particularly like the things we had to do in our lives. We talked about our feelings and decided that what we were going through was necessary and important, even though we didn’t like it.We expressed gratitude for our lives.

“It’s still a dreadful time,” I said.

“Brutal,” she said. “I guess we’re back to the old one­ day-at-a-time approach. We’re so lucky. What do people do that haven’t learned that gem?”

There are times when we can look at the stretch ahead and like what we see. Taking life one day at a time is still a good idea, even when things are going well.

Taking life one day at a time can be particularly use­ful when the road ahead looks dreadful. We may not even know where to start with some challenges. That’s when taking life one day at a time is essential.

“I’ve been using alcohol and other drugs every day since I’ve been twelve years old,” I said to my counselor years ago in treatment. “Now you’re telling me I need to stay sober the rest of my life. Plus get a job. And a life. How am I going to do that?”

“One day at a time,” she said. She was right. Sometimes I had to take life one minute at a time or one hour at a time. And all these years later, it still works.

Value: Taking life one day at a time is the gem we’ll focus on this week.” via May 8.

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Fear & Codependency

“Fear is at the core of codependency. It can motivate us to control situations or neglect ourselves. Many of us have been afraid for so long that we don’t label our feelings fear. We’re used to feeling upset and anxious. It feels normal. Peace and serenity may be uncomfortable. At one time, fear may have been appropriate and useful. We may have relied on fear to protect ourselves, much the way soldiers in a war rely on fear to help them survive. But now, in recovery, we’re living life differently. It’s time to thank our old fears for helping us survive, then wave good-bye to them. Welcome peace, trust, acceptance, and safety. We don’t need that much fear anymore. We can listen to our healthy fears, and let go of the rest. We can create a feeling of safety for ourselves, now. We are safe, now. We’ve made a commitment to take care of ourselves. We can trust and love ourselves.

God, help me let go of my need to be afraid. Replace it with a need to be at peace. Help me listen to my healthy fears and relinquish the rest.” Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (p. 127). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.

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…on feeling good

“Make yourself feel good. It’s our job to first make ourselves feel better and then make ourselves feel good. Recovery is not only about stopping painful feelings; it is about creating a good life for ourselves. We don’t have to deny ourselves activities that help us feel good. Going to meetings, basking in the sun, exercising, taking a walk, or spending time with a friend are activities that may help us feel good. We each have our list. If we don’t, we’re now free to explore, experiment, and develop that list. When we find a behavior or activity that produces a good feeling, put it on the list. Then, do it frequently. Let’s stop denying ourselves good feelings and start doing things that make us feel good. Today, I will do one activity or behavior that I know will create a good feeling for me. If I’m uncertain about what I like, I will experiment with one behavior today.” via Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (p. 126). Hazelden. Kindle
Edition.

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…on feeling good

Todd Lohenry, e1evation, llc, Personal Digital Coaching, 'personal news aggregation'“Make yourself feel good. It’s our job to first make ourselves feel better and then make ourselves feel good. Recovery is not only about stopping painful feelings; it is about creating a good life for ourselves. We don’t have to deny ourselves activities that help us feel good. Going to meetings, basking in the sun, exercising, taking a walk, or spending time with a friend are activities that may help us feel good. We each have our list. If we don’t, we’re now free to explore, experiment, and develop that list. When we find a behavior or activity that produces a good feeling, put it on the list. Then, do it frequently. Let’s stop denying ourselves good feelings and start doing things that make us feel good. Today, I will do one activity or behavior that I know will create a good feeling for me. If I’m uncertain about what I like, I will experiment with one behavior today.” via Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (p. 126). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.

Today I’ll be working hard on making myself feel good even though my wife is far away and I miss her terribly. What ‘feel good challenge will you over come today?

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…on blessing your enemies

“Action: Ask God to bless your enemies, people you’re envious of people you’re angry with, people you’re con­cerned about, people you love. Use their names when you say the blessing. Ask God to bless each person’s health, finances, all areas of his or her hie. Ask God to pour down blessings on that person. Say it until you mean it, until you feel the blessing in your heart. If you’re pray­ing for someone you resent, say the blessing each time that person’s name pops into your mind. Whenever a friend or a loved one comes to mind, say a special bless­ing far that person too. In your prayer time, take a moment to ask God to bless you. Whenever you start a project, your day at work, a meeting, or even a night of fun with friends, you can say a silent little prayer asking God to bless that too. Ask God to bless the people you’re giving to and serving. While you’re at it, ask God to bless our country and the world.” via May 5.

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…on Control

Melody Beattie has a good reminder I needed to hear this morning…

“Control is an illusion, especially the kind of control we’ve been trying to exert. In fact, controlling gives other people, events, and diseases, such as alcoholism, control over us. Whatever we try to control does have control over us and our life. I have given this control to many things and people in my life. I have never gotten the results I wanted from controlling or trying to control people. What I received for my efforts is an unmanageable life, whether that unmanageability was inside me or in external events. In recovery, we make a trade-off. We trade a life that we have tried to control, and we receive in return something better—a life that is manageable. Today, I will exchange a controlled life for one that is manageable.

Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (pp. 125-126). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.”

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…on Resentment

“It can be tough to stop resenting someone. It takes a delib­erate decision—an oomph—to turn our thinking around. For starters, it can be helpful to remember that those around us eventually grow weary of listening to us whine, even if we were wronged. There is a point where enough is enough.

We need to feel our emotions. We don’t want to get into repression or denial, but once we’ve felt the emotion, it’s time to let it go and turn the situation around. Envy and ill will can be a constant undercurrent in our thinking, if we don’t consciously seek to pluck out these emotions. It may feel like other people are constantly getting the good luck, that we have none, and that the good luck others are getting was somehow taken from us. It’s not true. And resenting others and spreading ill will doesn’t help us or improve our situation.

“There’s a lot of haters out there in the world,” a man said to me. “They don’t even know they’re spreading hate by the envious, bitter little thoughts they think.” via May 3 | Language of Letting Go.

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…on Holding Good Thoughts…

“Many people agree that thoughts are a form of prayer.

Application: Whenever we find ourselves thinking negative thoughts about someone in our lives, it’s time to change our intentions toward that person. It’s time to pray for only good things for that person.” via May 2 | Language of Letting Go.

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…on Blessing

Melody Beattie posts…

“I was out with a married couple for dinner, when the husband sneezed.

“God bless you,” I said.

He sneezed again. “Bless you,” I said.

Then he sneezed again and again.

“He sneezes all the time,” his wife said. “I think he does it on purpose. He just wants people to bless him.” “Who doesn’t want that?” I said.

My first experience with the value of blessing people happened in the early years of my sobriety. I wanted a job that someone else was given. I felt envious and resentful. Twelve Step programs and religions teach us a basic formula to cure ill will: pray for those you resent. Pray for God to shower blessings and happiness on those people. Pray for these blessings each time the resentment—or any hint of ill will enters your mind.

So I did. I prayed twenty or more times a day because that is how often I resented this person. I didn’t feel like praying for blessings. I decided to pray because the envy and bitter feelings were consuming me.

Over a period of months, I watched the situation transform. This person became my friend and mentor.

I eventually got a new position that I really wanted. I learned two things. Other people don’t have anything that belongs to me. And praying for blessings on people is a double whammy. They get blessed, and so do we.

Blessings are not just a tool to cure ill will and resent­ment—although that would be plenty. Blessings, like gentle rain or sunshine, are in this world for all. Don’t wait for people to sneeze to bless them. Be an active participant in spreading goodwill.

Value: Blessing our enemies, our loved ones, and ourselves is the value for this week.” via May 1.

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Here’s Why It’s VITAL To Be 100% Self-Approved!

Mastin Kipp at The Daily Love has some good thoughts I’d like to amplify today…

With the uneducated approach to life, we tend to seek outward for things that are within us. Goals, intentions, desires, etc. are all well and good, but if the motive for why we want them goes unexamined, we can keep ourselves in a form of bondage.

One of the great mistakes in life is living life as an “If, then” statement. “If I get X, then I’ll be happy.” The goal is to be happy now.

So are you happy now? And if not, why not? Continue reading “Here’s Why It’s VITAL To Be 100% Self-Approved!” →

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10 Simple Ways to Find Happiness

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Mmmmm. Good thoughts from Barton Goldsmith at Psychology Today…

“We all want to feel happy, and each one of us has different ways of getting there. Here are 10 steps you can take to increase your joie de vivre and bring more happiness into your life: Continue reading “10 Simple Ways to Find Happiness” →

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What do you Expect

Sometimes I feel my purpose in life is simply to amplify Melody Beattie but her writing speaks to me in a way that nothing else does…

The key to life and power is simple. It’s knowing who we are. It’s knowing what we think, what we feel, what we believe, what we know, and even what we sense. Its understanding where we’ve been, where we are, and where we want to go. That’s often different from who we think we should be, from whom others want us to be, tell us to be, and sometimes even tell us we are.

— Melody Beattie, Stop Being Mean to Yourself

It’s easy to get hooked into other people’s expectations of us. Sometimes, it’s even easier to get hooked into what we think they expect of us.

One of the biggest traps is locking ourselves into a pre-conceived notion of ourselves. We can keep ourselves so busy living up to an image of ourselves that we forget who we really are. It’s tough enough to break free of the expecta­tions, spoken and unspoken, that others put on us. It’s more insidious when we start telling ourselves to be what we think other people are expecting us to be—whether they are or not.

Look in the mirror. If you see a person who has been con­fined with a limiting image that doesn’t fit or feel right any­more, set yourself free.

God, help me let go of ego. Help me stop living up to self-imposed caricatures of who I think I’m supposed to be.

Source: April 28: What do you Expect | Language of Letting Go

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Rise to the Occasion

Melody Beattie posted this for today…

“You should have seen me when I was younger. I was something else then.”

“Just wait until I’m older and bigger. Then I’ll show you what I can do.”

If all we do is remember the strength of our past, then we’re denying ourselves the wisdom and abilities we carry with us in the present. And we deny the lessons that age teaches us about slowing down, being still, and letting things be the way they are. If we’re waiting for the future to be happy, we’re robbing ourselves of the vitality and joy in our lives right now.

Stop reminiscing about the past and anticipating the joys of the future that time when you become all powerful, bigger, and better than you are now.

You’re as good as you need to be today. Let yourself be who you are, then enjoy being exactly that.

Rise to the occasion of today.

God, help me be the best me that I can be.

Source: April 27: Rise to the Occasion | Language of Letting Go

Amen!

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…on Refreshing Yourself

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“There’s a “refresh” button you can click on the computer when you’re on-line. It makes the computer operate more efficiently.

Sometimes we get a little sluggish, too. We’ve been push­ing too hard. Mulling the same thoughts over and over. Doing the same things over and over. Sometimes we need a change of scenery. Sometimes we need to refresh our thoughts with prayer, meditation, a few words from a friend, or spending some time with a good book.

Maybe it’s our bodies that need refreshing. We need a cold beverage, a brisk walk, a nap, or a hot shower.

Maybe we need a bigger refreshment: a weekend at a spa, a vacation. Even if our budget is low, we can pitch a tent in a park and take in the refreshing beauty of the world around us.

Look around. The world abounds with refreshments. The next time you get bogged down, stop pushing so hard. Do what you need to do to become efficient and operate with ease.

Refresh yourself.

God, help me understand the power of taking the time to refresh myself. Then help me stop thinking about it and actually do it.” via April 26: Refresh Yourself.

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