Just in case you missed this for 5/29/2012

  1. “I really, deeply believe that dreams do come true. Often, they might not come when you want them. They come in their own time.”

    – Diana Ross

  2. Todd’s tweets…

Letting Go of Self Doubt

Melody Beattie writes:

A married woman who had recently joined Al-Anon called me one afternoon. She worked part-time as a registered nurse, had assumed all the responsibilities for raising her two children, and did all the household chores, including repairs and finances. “I want to separate from my husband,” she sobbed. “I can’t stand him or his abuse any longer. But tell me, please tell me,” she said, “do you think I can take care of myself?” Codependent No More

Not only is it okay to take care of ourselves, we can take good care of ourselves.

Many of us, so confident about our ability to take care of others, doubt our inherent strength to care for ourselves. We may have come to believe, from our past or present circumstances, that we need to take care of others and we need others to take care of us. This is the ultimate codependent belief.

No matter where this self-defeating belief was born, we can release it and replace it with a better one, a healthier one, a more accurate one.

We can take care of ourselves — whether we are in or out of a relationship. Everything we need will be provided. We will have loved ones, friends, and our Higher Power to help.

Knowing that we can take care of ourselves doesn’t mean we won’t have feelings of fear, discomfort, doubt, anger, and fragility at times. It means we practice “courageous vulnerability,” as Colette Dowling called it in Cinderella Complex. We may feel scared, but we do it anyway.

Today, God, help me know how I can take care of myself.” via Daily Meditation ~ Letting Go of Self Doubt – Miracles In Progress Codependents Anonymous Group.

Flee, pursue and lean

Sunrise over the south beach of Jamaica.
Sunrise over the south beach of Jamaica. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.” http://bible.us/2Tim2.22.NIV

I find in this verse a threefold approach to spiritual and mental health.

  • Flee ‘evil’
  • Pursue ‘good’
  • Get help from likeminded people…

It’s not enough to simply stop doing something — I believe you have to START doing something else and it’s great to have help from likeminded people who will support you in your quest…

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Choices

Melody Beattie says:

“We have choices, more choices than we let ourselves see. We may feel trapped in our relationships, our jobs, our life. We may feel locked into behaviors — such as caretaking or controlling. Feeling trapped is a symptom of codependency.

When we hear ourselves say, “I have to take care of this person…”, “I have to say yes….” ,”I have to try to control that person…”, “I have to behave this way, think this way, feel this way…” we can know we are choosing not to see choices.

That sense of being trapped is an illusion. We are not controlled by circumstances, our past, the expectations of others or our unhealthy expectations for ourselves. We can choose what feels right for us, without guilt. We have options.

Recovery is not about behaving perfectly or according to anyone else’s rules. More than anything else; recovery is about knowing we have choices and giving ourselves the freedom to choose.” via Inspiration.

Just in case you missed it for 5/27/12

  1. Todd’s tweets…

We have choices


Melody Beattie says:

“We have choices, more choices than we let ourselves see.

We may feel trapped in our relationships, our jobs, our life. We may feel locked into behaviors such as caretaking or controlling.

Feeling trapped is a symptom of codependency. When we hear ourselves say, I have to take care of this person . . . I have to say yes . . . I have to try to control that person . . . I have to behave this way, think this way, feel this way . . . we can know we are choosing not to see choices.

That sense of being trapped is an illusion. We are not controlled by circumstances, our past, the expectations of others, or our unhealthy expectations for ourselves. We can choose what feels right for us, without guilt. We have options.

Recovery is not about behaving perfectly or according to anyone else’s rules. More than anything else, recovery is about knowing we have choices and giving ourselves the freedom to choose.

Today, I will open my thinking and myself to the choices available to me. I will make choices that are good for me.” via Adult Children Anonymous.

Discovering intimacy

Intimacy is that warm gift of feeling connected to others and enjoying our connection to them.

As we grow in recovery, we find that gift in many, sometimes surprising, places. We may discover we’ve developed intimate relationships with people at work, with friends, with people in our support groups – sometimes with family members. Many of us are discovering intimacy in a special love relationship.

Intimacy is not sex, although sex can be intimate. Intimacy means mutually honest, warm, caring, safe relationships – relationships where the other person can be who he or she is and we can be who we are – and both people are valued.

Sometimes there are conflicts. Conflict is inevitable. Sometimes there are troublesome feelings to work through. Sometimes the boundaries or parameters of relationships change. But there is a bond – one of love and trust.

There are many blocks to intimacy and intimate relationships. Addictions and abuse block intimacy. Unresolved family of origin issues prevents intimacy. Controlling blocks intimacy. Off balance relationships, where there is too great a discrepancy in power, prevent intimacy. Caretaking can block intimacy. Nagging, withdrawing, and shutting down can hurt intimacy. So can a simple behavior like gossip — for example, gossiping about another for motives of diminishing him or her in order to build up ourselves or to judge the person. To discuss another person’s issues, shortcomings, or failures with someone else will have a predictable negative impact on the relationship.

We deserve to enjoy intimacy in as many of our relationships as possible. We deserve relationships that have not been sabotaged. That does not mean we walk around with our heads in the clouds; it means we strive to keep our motives clean when it comes to discussing other people.

If we have a serious issue with someone, the best way to resolve it is to bring the issue to that person.

Direct, clean conversation clears the air and paves the way for intimacy, for good feelings about ourselves and our relationships with others.

Today, God, help me let go of my fear of intimacy. Help me strive to keep my communications with others clean and free from malicious gossip. Help me work toward intimacy in my relationships. Help me deal as directly as possible with my feelings.

via Adult Children Anonymous.

Just in case you missed this for 5/25/2012

  1. On this day in 1977, Memorial Day weekend opens with an intergalactic bang as the first of George Lucas’ blockbuster Star Wars movies hits American theaters.

    The incredible success of Star Wars–it received seven Oscars, and earned $461 million in U.S. ticket sales and a gross of close to $800 million worldwide–began with an extensive, coordinated marketing push by Lucas and his studio, 20th Century Fox, months before the movie’s release date. “It wasn’t like a movie opening,” actress Carrie Fisher, who played rebel leader Princess Leia, later told Time magazine. “It was like an earthquake.” Beginning with–in Fisher’s words–“a new order of geeks, enthusiastic young people with sleeping bags,” the anticipation of a revolutionary movie-watching experience spread like wildfire, causing long lines in front of movie theaters across the country and around the world.

    With its groundbreaking special effects, Star Wars leaped off screens and immersed audiences in “a galaxy far, far away.” By now everyone knows the story, which followed the baby-faced Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) as he enlisted a team of allies–including hunky Han Solo (Harrison Ford) and the robots C3PO and R2D2–on his mission to rescue the kidnapped Princess Leia from an Evil Empire governed by Darth Vader. The film made all three of its lead actors overnight stars, turning Fisher into an object of adoration for millions of young male fans and launching Ford’s now-legendary career as an action-hero heartthrob.

  2. With George Washington presiding, the Constitutional Convention formally convenes on this day in 1787. The convention faced a daunting task: the peaceful overthrow of the new American government as it had been defined by the Article of Confederation.

    The process began with the proposal of James Madison’s Virginia Plan. Madison had dedicated the winter of 1787 to the study of confederacies throughout history and arrived in Philadelphia with a wealth of knowledge and an idea for a new American government. Virginia’s governor, Edmund Randolph, presented Madison’s plan to the convention. It featured a bicameral legislature, with representation in both houses apportioned to states based upon population; this was seen immediately as giving more power to large states, like Virginia. The two houses would in turn elect the executive and the judiciary and would possess veto power over the state legislatures. Madison’s conception strongly resembled Britain’s parliament. It omitted any discussion of taxation or regulation of trade, however; these items had been set aside in favor of outlining a new form of government altogether.

    William Patterson soon countered with a plan more attractive to the new nation’s smaller states. It too bore the imprint of America’s British experience. Under the New Jersey Plan, as it became known, each state would have a single vote in Congress as it had been under the Articles of Confederation, to even out power between large and small states. But, the plan also gave Congress new powers: the collection of import duties and a stamp tax, the regulation of trade and the enforcement of requisitions upon the states with military force.

  3. “If you believe in yourself and have the courage, the determination, the dedication, the competitive drive and if you are willing to sacrifice the little things in life and pay the price for the things that are worthwhile, it can be done.“

    – Vince Lombardi

  4. “Men often become what they believe themselves to be. If I believe I cannot do something, it makes me incapable of doing it. But when I believe I can, then I acquire the ability to do it even if I didn’t have it in the beginning.”

    – Mahatma Gandhi

  5. “Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared believe that something inside of them was superior to circumstances.”

    – Bruce Barton

  6. Todd’s tweets…

Loving Ourselves Unconditionally

More Melody Beattie:

“Love yourself into health and a good life of your own.

Love yourself into relationships that work for you and the other person. Love yourself into peace, happiness, joy, success, and contentment.

Love yourself into all that you always wanted. We can stop treating ourselves the way others treated us, if they behaved in a less than healthy, desirable way. If we have learned to see ourselves critically, conditionally, and in a diminishing and punishing way, it’s time to stop. Other people treated us that way, but it’s even worse to treat ourselves that way now.

Loving ourselves may seem foreign, even foolish at times. People may accuse us of being selfish. We don’t have to believe them.

People who love themselves are truly able to love others and let others love them. People who love themselves and hold themselves in high esteem are those who give the most, contribute the most, and love the most.

How do we love ourselves? By forcing it at first. By faking it, if necessary. By acting as if. By working as hard at loving and liking ourselves as we have at not liking ourselves.

Explore what it means to love yourself.

Do things for yourself that reflect compassionate, nurturing, self love.

Embrace and love all of yourself – past, present, and future. Forgive yourself quickly and as often as necessary. Encourage yourself. Tell yourself good things about yourself.

If we think and believe negative ideas, get them out in the open quickly and honestly, so we can replace those beliefs with better ones.

Pat yourself on the back when necessary. Discipline yourself when necessary. Ask for help, for time; ask for what you need.

Sometimes, give yourself treats. Do not treat yourself like a pack mule, always pushing and driving harder. Learn to be good to yourself. Choose behaviors with preferable consequences – treating yourself well is one.

Learn to stop your pain, even when that means making difficult decisions. Do not unnecessarily deprive yourself. Sometimes, give yourself what you want, just because you want it.

Stop explaining and justifying yourself. When you make mistakes, let them go. We learn, we grow, and we learn some more. And through it all, we love ourselves.

We work at it, and then work at it some more. One day we’ll wake up, look in the mirror, and find that loving ourselves has become habitual. We’re now living with a person who gives and receives love, because that person loves him or herself. Self-love will take hold and become a guiding force in our life.

Today, I will work at loving myself. I will work as hard at loving myself as I have at not liking myself. Help me let go of self-hate and behaviors that reflect not liking myself. Help me replace those with behaviors that reflect self-love. Today, God, help me hold myself in high self-esteem. Help me know I’m lovable and capable of giving and receiving love.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.” via the language of letting go | Tumblr.

Warning! Video: NSFW…

Impatience

“The hardest thing about practicing patience is that practicing impatience feels so justified.” via May 24 | Language of Letting Go.

Life is not to be endured

More wisdom from Melody Beattie:

“Life is not to be endured; life is to be enjoyed and embraced.

The belief that we must square our shoulders and get through a meager, deprived existence for far-off “rewards in Heaven” is a codependent belief.

Yes, most of us still have times when life will be stressful and challenge our endurance skills.  But, in recovery, we’re learning to live, to enjoy our lives, and handle situations as they come.

Our survival skills have served us well.  They have gotten us through difficult times-as children and adults.  Our ability to freeze feelings, deny problems, deprive ourselves, and cope with stress has helped us get where we are today.  But we’re safe now.  We’re learning to do more than survive.  We can let go of unhealthy survival behaviors.  We’re learning new, better ways to protect and care for ourselves.  We’re free to feel our feelings, identify and solve problems, and give ourselves the best.  We’re free to open up and come alive.

Today, I will let go of my unhealthy endurance and survival skills.  I will choose a new mode of living, one that allows me to be alive and enjoy the adventure.”

Source: this is a quote “Life is not to be endured; life is to be… | turtle_dove on Xanga

Times of Reprogramming

“Do not ask for success unless you’re ready to conquer the behaviors that would sabotage success.” Melody Beattie via Language of Letting Go – May 22 – Times of Reprogramming – SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information.

Getting Needs Met

“I want to change careers . . .  I need a friend . . . I’m ready to be in a relationship . . .

Regularly, we become aware of new needs. We may need to change our behavior with our children. We may need a new couch, love and nurturing, a dollar, or help.

Do not be afraid to recognize a want or need. The birth of a want or need, the temporary frustration from acknowledging a need before it’s met, is the start of the cycle of receiving what we want. We follow this by letting go, then receiving that which we want and need. Identifying our needs is preparation for good things to come.

Acknowledging our needs means we are being prepared and drawn to that which will meet them. We can have faith to stand in that place in between.

Today, I will let go of my belief that my needs never get met. I will acknowledge my wants and needs, and then turn them over to my Higher Power. My Higher Power cares, sometimes about the silliest little things, if I do. My wants and needs are not an accident. God created me and all my desires.” via Daily Meditation ~ Getting Needs Met – Miracles In Progress Codependents Anonymous Group.

How to Draw the Line When You Have No Idea Where to Put It

“Have you ever felt at a loss when you needed to draw the line with someone?

Have you put yourself at a disadvantage when you failed to draw the line because you couldn’t think of a way to do it ?

Have you ever felt mistreated when someone drew a line to your disadvantage?

Setting boundaries is one of the most important parts of relationships. It is more important to satisfactory relationships that just about everything else, since without agreeable boundaries, most relationships cannot function well. The expression, “Good fences make good neighbors,” is true.

At the same time we all have had experience with poor boundaries, boundaries that are too loose or too strict, boundaries that are self-serving and boundaries that feel abusive.

So what can we do about this?” Go to the source: Setting Boundaries: How to Draw the Line When You Have No Idea Where to Put It.

Sadness

Melody Beattie shares this:

“Ultimately, to grieve our losses means to surrender to our feelings.

So many of us have lost so much, have said so many good byes – have been through so many changes. We may want to hold back the tides of change, not because the change isn’t good, but because we have had so much change, so much loss.

Sometimes, when we are in the midst of pain and grief, we become shortsighted, like members of a tribe described in the movie Out of Africa.

“If you put them in prison,” one character said, describing this tribe, “they die.”

“Why?” asked another character.

“Because they can’t grasp the idea that they’ll be let out one day. They think it’s permanent, so they die.”

Many of us have so much grief to get through. Sometimes we begin to believe grief, or pain, is a permanent condition.

The pain will stop. Once felt and released, our feelings will bring us to a better place than where we started. Feeling our feelings, instead of denying or minimizing them, is how we heal from our past and move forward into a better future. Feeling our feelings is how we let go.

It may hurt for a moment, but peace and acceptance are on the other side. So is a new beginning.

God, help me fully embrace and finish my endings, so I may be ready for my new beginnings.” via Language of Letting Go – May 20 – Sadness – SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information.

Why does life have to be so hard?

“Why does doing this have to be so hard?” I asked a friend one day.

“It doesn’t,” he said.

Challenge: Unquestionably, life can be tough and chal­lenging at times. It hurts. It can be scary and confusing. Many of us have had to garner great amounts of strength and courage to face difficult situations. There are times when endurance and rising to the occasion are important survival skills. It equally important to know when an easy-does-it approach is enough.” via May 18.

Don’t Stop Living Your Life

“So often, when a problem occurs, inside or around us, we revert to thinking that if we put our life on hold we can positively contribute to the solution. If a relationship isn’t working, if we face a difficult decision, if we’re feeling depressed, we may put our life on hold and torment ourselves with obsessive thoughts.

Abandoning our life or routines contributes to the problem and delays us from finding the solution.

Frequently, the solution comes when we let go enough to live our life, return to our routine, and stop obsessing about the problem.

Sometimes, even if we don’t feel like we have let go or can let go, we can act as if we have, and that will help bring about the letting go we desire.

You don’t have to give up your power to problems. You can take your focus off your problem and direct it to your life, trusting that doing so will bring you closer to a solution.

Today, I will go on living my life and tending to my routine. I will decide, as often as I need to, to stop obsessing about whatever is bothering me. If I don’t feel like letting go of a particular thing, I will act as if I have let go of it until my feelings match my behavior.” via Language of Letting Go – May 18 – Don’t Stop Living Your Life – SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information.

Don’t overdo it

“So, you surrendered. You let go. Now you’re ready to face a particular challenge. So you hunker down and garner all your forces. And you hit the wall again.

“What’s wrong?” you may ask. “I’m doing all the spir­itual things I’m supposed to do. And things still aren’t working. I can’t get anywhere.”

Did you ever try to get a key to unlock a door, and you tried and tried, and the key just wouldn’t open it? The harder you tried, the more frustrated you became. So you stopped trying for a while, relaxed, and tried again. Voila. The key fit perfectly and the slightest turn unlocked the door.

Many of us live our lives that way While some people may not try at all, we may be trying too hard. There’s a gentler way of being in the world, of trying things, doing things, going about our business.

Whether I’m tackling a specific project, enjoying a new relationship, or grinding through some miserable sit­uation, my first inclination is to force myself and try too hard. If one cup of tea tastes good, I’ll drink five. If I want to express love or concern for someone, I’ll overdo it.

“If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing well,” doesn’t mean if it’s worth doing, try harder and harder. Doing it well means relaxing and letting the actions unfold—gently, naturally without force. We don’t have to make things happen. We can learn to take our part in letting them happen. It is really okay to ease up a little. We don’t have to think that hard, try that hard, feel that hard, do quite so much. Pull back a little. Relax.

When force and trying harder doesn’t do it, try some­thing else.

Value: “Easy does it” is the value this week.” via May 16.

Climb the highest mountain

“We can climb the highest mountains and navigate the darkest valleys. We can do anything. Just not all at once.” Melody Beattie via May 15 | Language of Letting Go.

Three Habits You Can Break or Create Today

Book Cover

“When you woke up this morning, what did you do first? Did you hop in the shower, check your email, or grab a doughnut? What did you say to your kids on the way out the door? Salad or hamburger for lunch? When you got home, did you put on your sneakers and go for a run, or pour yourself a drink and eat dinner in front of the television?

Most of the choices we make each day may feel like the products of well-considered decision making, but they’re not. They’re habits. And though each habit means relatively little on its own, over time the meals we order, what we say to our kids each night, and how often we exercise have enormous impacts on our health, productivity, financial security, and happiness.

In the last decade, our understanding of the neurology of habit formation has been transformed. We’ve learned how habits form — and why they are so hard to break.

As a result, we now know how to create good habits and change bad ones like never before.

At the core of every habit is a neurological loop with three parts: a cue, a routine, and a reward.” Go to the source: Charles Duhigg: Three Habits You Can Break or Create Today. There’s valuable information on understanding cues, routines and rewards…

Eating life one bite at a time

“Thank God for the ability to break life down into days.

Gratitude Focus: We can start and end each day by being grateful for everything that happened in it and the help we encountered along the way.” via May 14.

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