Tag: Math

Solving Problems

Melody Beattie writes:

“Shame is the first feeling that strikes me whenever I, or someone I love, has a problem;’ said one recovering woman.

Many of us were raised with the belief that having a problem is something to be ashamed of.

This belief can do many damaging things to us. It can stop us from identifying our problems; it can make us feel alien­ated and inferior when we have, or someone we love has, a problem. Shame can block us from solving a problem and finding the gift from the problem.

Problems are a part of life. So are solutions. People have problems, but we, and our self-esteem, are separate from our problems.

I’ve yet to meet a person who didn’t have problems to solve, but I’ve met many who felt ashamed to talk about the problems they actually had solved!

We are more than our problems. Even if our problem is our own behavior, the problem is not who we are — it’s what we did.

It’s okay to have problems. It’s okay to talk about problems at appropriate times, and with safe people. It’s okay to solve problems.

And we’re okay, even when we have, or someone we love, has a problem. We don’t have to forfeit our personal power or our self-esteem. We have solved exactly the problems we’ve needed to solve to become who we are.

Today, I will let go of my shame about problems.” via June 10: Solving Problems.

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Negotiating Conflicts

Negotiation

“Recovery is about more than walking away. Sometimes it means Learning to stay and deal. It’s about building and maintaining relationships that work.” Beyond Codependency

Problems and conflicts are part of life and relationships with friends, family, loved ones, and at work. Problem solving and conflict negotiation are skifis we can acquire and improve with time.

Not being willing to tackle and solve problems in relationships leads to unresolved feelings of anger and victimization, terminated relationships, unresolved problems, and power plays that intensify the problem and waste time and energy.

Not being willing to face and solve problems means we may run into that problem again. Some problems with people cannot be worked out in mutually satisfactory ways. Sometimes the problem is a boundary issue we have, and there is not room to negotiate.

In that case, we need to clearly understand what we want and need and what our bottom line is. Some problems with people, though, can be worked out, worked through, and satisfactorily negotiated. Often, there are workable options for solving problems that we will not even see until we become open to the concept of working through problems in relationships, rather than running from the problems.

To negotiate problems, we must be willing to identify the problem, let go of blame and shame, and focus on possible creative solutions. To successfully negotiate and solve problems in relationships, we must have a sense of our bottom line and our boundary issues, so we don’t waste time trying to negotiate nonnegotiable issues.

We need to learn to identify what both people really want and need and the different possibilities for working that out. We can learn to be flexible without being too flexible. Committed, intimate relationships mean two people are learning to work together through their problems and conflicts in ways that work in both people’s best interest.

Today, I will be open to negotiating conflicts I have with people. I will strive for balance without being too submissive or too demanding. I will strive for appropriate flexibility in my problem-solving efforts.

December 11: Negotiating Conflicts | Language of Letting Go

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