Tag: God

Gossip

Cover

A second shot of Melody Beattie for today! The Universe must think I need it:

Intimacy is that warm gift of feeling connected to others and enjoying our connection to them.

As we grow in recovery, we find that gift in many, some­times surprising places. We may discover we’ve developed intimate relationships with people at work, with friends, with people in our support groups — sometimes with family members. Many of us are discovering intimacy in a special love relationship.

Intimacy is not sex, although sex can be intimate. Intimacy means mutually honest, warm, caring, safe relationships ­relationships where the other person can be who he or she is and we can be who we are — and both people are valued.

Sometimes there are conflicts. Conflict is inevitable. Some­times there are troublesome feelings to work through. Some­times the boundaries or parameters of relationships change. But there is a bond — one of love and trust.

There are many blocks to intimacy and intimate relation­ships. Addictions and abuse block intimacy. Unresolved fam­ily of origin issues prevent intimacy. Controlling blocks intimacy. Off balance relationships, where there is too great a discrepancy in power, prevent intimacy. Caretaking can block intimacy. Nagging, withdrawing, and shutting down can hurt intimacy.

So can a simple behavior like gossip — for example, gos­siping about another for motives of diminishing him or her in order to build up ourselves or to judge the person. To dis­cuss another person’s issues, shortcomings, or failures with someone else will have a predictable negative impact on the relationship.

We deserve to enjoy intimacy in as many of our relation­ships as possible. We deserve relationships that have not been sabotaged.

That does not mean we walk around with our heads in the clouds; it means we strive to keep our motives clean when it comes to discussing other people.

If we have a serious issue with someone, the best way to resolve it is to bring the issue to that person.

Direct, clean conversation clears the air and paves the way for intimacy, for good feelings about ourselves and our relationships with others.

Today, God, help me let go of my fear of intimacy. Help me strive to keep my communications with others clean and free from mali­cious gossip. Help me work toward intimacy in my relationships. Help me deal as directly as possible with my feelings.” via June 17: Gossip.

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Powerlessness

Melody Beattie writes:

Willpower is not the key to the way of life we are seeking. Surrender is.

“I have spent much of my life trying to make people be, do, or feel something they aren’t, don’t want to do, and choose not to feel. I have made them, and myself, crazy in that process,” said one recovering woman.

“I spent my childhood trying to make an alcoholic father who didn’t love himself be a normal person who loved me. I then married an alcoholic and spent a decade trying to make him stop drinking.

“I have spent years trying to make emotionally unavail­able people be emotionally present for me.

“I have spent even more years trying to make family mem­bers, who are content feeling miserable, happy. What I’m saying is this: I’ve spent much of my life desperately and vainly trying to do the impossible and feeling like a failure when I couldn’t. It’s been like planting corn and trying to make the seeds grow peas. It won’t work!

“By surrendering to powerlessness, I gain the presence of mind to stop wasting my time and energy trying to change and control that which I cannot change and control. It gives me permission to stop trying to do the impossible and focus on what is possible: being who I am, loving myself, feeling what I feel, and doing what I want to do with my life.”

In recovery, we learn to stop fighting lions, simply because we cannot win. We also learn that the more we are focused on controlling and changing others, the more unmanage­able our life becomes. The more we focus on living our own life, the more we have a life to live, and the more manage­able our life will become.

Today, I will accept powerlessness where I have no power to change things, and allow my life to become manageable.” via June 20: Powerlessness.

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Letting Go of Self-Doubt

A second shot of Melody Beattie for today:

A married woman who had recently joined Al Anon called me one afternoon. She worked part-time as a registered nurse, had assumed all the responsibilities for raising her two chil­dren, and did all the household chores, including repairs and finances. “I want to separate from my husband,” she sobbed. “I can’t stand him or his abuse any longer. But tell me, please tell me,” she said, “do you think I can take care of myself?” — Codependent No More

Not only is it okay to take care of ourselves, we can take good care of ourselves.

Many of us, so confident about our ability to take care of others, doubt our inherent strength to care for ourselves. We may have come to believe, from our past or present circum­stances, that we need to take care of others and we need others to take care of us. This is the ultimate codependent belief.

No matter where this self-defeating belief was born, we can release it and replace it with a better one, a healthier one, a more accurate one.

We can take care of ourselves — whether we are in or out of a relationship. Everything we need will be provided. We will have loved ones, friends, and our Higher Power to help.

Knowing that we can take care of ourselves doesn’t mean we won’t have feelings of fear, discomfort, doubt, anger, and fragility at times. It means we practice “courageous vulner­ability,” as Colette Dowling called it in Cinderella Complex. We may feel scared, but we do it anyway.

Today, God, help me know how I can take care of myself.” via June 19: Letting Go of Self-Doubt.

Few books have been more useful to me in my life — if any of the codependency scenarios resonate with you, I recommend you purchase it, the workbook and ‘The Language of Letting Go‘…

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Surrender

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0030UDW9I/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B0030UDW9I&linkCode=as2&tag=makrai-20

 

Melody Beattie writes:

Master the lessons of your present circumstances.
We do not move forward by resisting what is undesirable in our life today. We move forward, we grow, we change by acceptance.
Avoidance is not the key; surrender opens the door.
Listen to this truth: We are each in our present circumstances for a reason. There is a lesson, a valuable lesson that must be learned before we can move forward.
Something important is being worked out in us, and in those around us. We may not be able to identify it today; but we can know that it is important. We can know it is good.
Overcome not by force, overcome by surrender. The battle is fought, and won, inside ourselves. We must go through it until we learn, until we accept, until we become grateful, until we are set free.
Today, I will be open to the lessons of my present circumstances. I do not have to label, know, or understand what I’m learning; I will see clearly in time. For today, trust and gratitude are sufficient.

Source: Language of Letting Go – June 17 – Surrender – SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Maybe I should change the name of this blog to The Daily Beattie?! :-D

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My favorite quote on fatherhood…

My birth father abandoned my mother and me 3 months before my birth. I was raised by my grandmother while my mother supported our family unit until the day she met my dad. They were married over 50 years ago and he formally adopted me when I was 5 — I still remember going before the judge and having him ask me if I wanted my dad to be my dad. It’s an honor and a privilege that few sons have — to actually affirm their choice of a father before a judge…

Years later as a student of German literature, I came across this quote: “Nicht Fleisch und Blut, das Herz macht uns zu Vätern und Söhnen.” I thank God every day for my dad’s heart; a heart which made him a father and me a son and gave me the courage to adopt my own son when I met the woman of my dreams like he did…

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Is This the Last Father’s Day?

Not the best picture of my ‘other dad’, but it will have to do…

The title comes from Randy Taran who writes:

My father is requesting that all family members come by… no, not for a typical family reunion, but for Father’s Day. They say that people sometimes get a sense about things, and I have a feeling that my dad knows the end is near.

I am not complaining. I have had the amazing good fortune of having him around for longer than most. He is 95.5 and pretty darn present.

It has me thinking about the various roles we play in life: child, parent, parent to our inner child, parent becomes child, and child becomes parent’s parent… it’s endless in all the possible permutations.

I recently asked my dad for his five top life lessons, and this seems like a perfect time to share them:

1. Lead your own life. Know who you are and be true to yourself.

2. Be satisfied with what you have. Don’t go looking to other people for validation or compare yourself to others — that goes nowhere.

3. Be very grateful for what you have. Appreciate everything, from nature to relationships to waking up another day. Looking at things with the right perspective allows you to see that what you have is all you need, and more.

4. It’s all about family. That is what is important, that everyone is happy and lives a good life.

5. Love is what matters most. After all the ups and down that life sends our way, after all the careers and hopes and dreams, what stands out and will always remain is love.

This may or may not be his last Father’s Day; he has surprised us before. No matter what, I will always cherish my dad’s life lessons and pass them on to my own children as the cycle continues. Happy Father’s Day to all.

For more by Randy Taran, click here. For more on happiness, click here. via Randy Taran: Is This the Last Father’s Day?.

I curated this article for multiple reasons; not the least of which is that it makes me think about my father-in-law who is getting on in years. Throughout our marriage, my relationship with my in-laws has been strained for reasons too complicated to go into; only recently, however, I have gained a special appreciation for my father-in-law…

My ‘other Dad‘ is a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for almost 50 years. The more I dig into my own ’emotional sobriety’ and recovery from codependence, the more I appreciate him as a person and his contribution to the world — especially his example as he lives out the 12th step daily. Recently, when my wife was in Italy we connected a couple of times by phone and I had a chance to tell him for the first time that I loved him as a ‘dad’ — and I don’t say that lightly; dad is a title of honor in my life — and that I appreciate his example. There are things around ‘recovery’ that he gets that my first dad will never understand and I appreciate his testimony more with each passing day…

My second dad is now 79 and time is catching up with him. I cherish the help he has given me in my recovery and his lack of judgment toward me. Whether this is the last Father’s Day or the first of many we have in this ‘new’ relationship — God knows there are no guarantees in this life — I’m glad we had a chance to connect in his living years…

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Surrender

Melody Beattie writes:

Master the lessons of your present circumstances.
We do not move forward by resisting what is undesirable in our life today. We move forward, we grow, we change by acceptance.
Avoidance is not the key; surrender opens the door.
Listen to this truth: We are each in our present circumstances for a reason. There is a lesson, a valuable lesson that must be learned before we can move forward.
Something important is being worked out in us, and in those around us. We may not be able to identify it today; but we can know that it is important. We can know it is good.
Overcome not by force, overcome by surrender. The battle is fought, and won, inside ourselves. We must go through it until we learn, until we accept, until we become grateful, until we are set free.
Today, I will be open to the lessons of my present circumstances. I do not have to label, know, or understand what I’m learning; I will see clearly in time. For today, trust and gratitude are sufficient.

Source: Language of Letting Go – June 17 – Surrender – SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

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Loving Ourselves Unconditionally

But most of all? You deserve it from YOURSELF! Melody Beattie writes:

Love yourself into health and a good life of your own.

Love yourself into relationships that work for you and the other person. Love yourself into peace, happiness, joy, success, and contentment.

Love yourself into all that you always wanted. We can stop treating ourselves the way others treated us, if they be­haved in a less than healthy, desirable way. If we have learned to see ourselves critically, conditionally, and in a diminishing and punishing way, it’s time to stop. Other people treated us that way, but it’s even worse to treat ourselves that way now.

Loving ourselves may seem foreign, even foolish at times. People may accuse us of being selfish. We don’t have to believe them.

People who love themselves are truly able to love others and let others love them. People who love themselves and hold themselves in high esteem are those who give the most, contribute the most, love the most.

How do we love ourselves? By forcing it at first. By faking it if necessary. By “acting as if.” By working as hard at lov­ing and liking ourselves as we have at not liking ourselves.

Explore what it means to love yourself.

Do things for yourself that reflect compassionate, nurtur­ing, self-love.

Embrace and love all of yourself — past, present, and fu­ture. Forgive yourself quickly and as often as necessary. Encourage yourself. Tell yourself good things about yourself.

If we think and believe negative ideas, get them out in the open quickly and honestly, so we can replace those beliefs with better ones.

Pat yourself on the back when necessary. Discipline your­self when necessary. Ask for help, for time; ask for what you need.

Sometimes, give yourself treats. Do not treat yourself like a pack mule, always pushing and driving harder. Learn to be good to yourself. Choose behaviors with preferable consequences — treating yourself well is one.

Learn to stop your pain, even when that means making difficult decisions. Do not unnecessarily deprive yourself. Sometimes, give yourself what you want, just because you want it.

Stop explaining and justifying yourself. When you make mistakes, let them go. We learn, we grow, and we learn some more. And through it all, we love ourselves.

We work at it, then work at it some more. One day we’ll wake up, look in the mirror, and find that loving ourselves has become habitual. We’re now living with a person who gives and receives love, because that person loves him- or herself. Self-love will take hold and become a guiding force in our life.

Today, I will work at loving myself. I will work as hard at loving myself as I have at not liking myself. Help me let go of self-hate and behaviors that reflect not liking myself. Help me replace those with behaviors that reflect self-love. Today, God, help me hold my­self in high self-esteem. Help me know I’m lovable and capable of giving and receiving love.” via June 16: Loving Ourselves Unconditionally.

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Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in

Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither. – C. S. Lewis

via Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and….

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Letting the Cycles Flow

A beautiful monarch butterfly bears her transp...

Melody Beattie writes:

Life is cyclical, not static. Our relationships benefit when we allow them to follow their own natural cycles.

Like the tide ebbs and flows, so do the cycles in relation­ships. We have periods of closeness and periods of distance. We have times of coming together and times of separating to work on individual issues.

We have times of love and joy, and times of anger.

Sometimes, the dimensions of relationships change as we go through changes. Sometimes, life brings us new friends or a new loved one to teach us the next lesson.

That does not mean the old friend disappears forever. It means we have entered a new cycle.

We do not have to control the course of our relationships, whether these be friendships or love relationships. We do not have to satisfy our need to control by imposing a static form on relationships.

Let it flow. Be open to the cycles. Love will not disappear. The bond between friends will not sever. Things do not re­main the same forever, especially when we are growing and changing at such a rapid pace.

Trust the flow. Take care of yourself, but be willing to let people go. Hanging on to them too tightly will make them disappear.

The old adage about love still holds true: “If it’s meant to be, it will be. And if you love someone, let them go. If they come back to you, the love is yours.”

Today, I accept the cyclical nature of life and relationships. I will strive to go with the flow. I will strive for harmony with my own needs and the needs of the other person.” via June 15: Letting the Cycles Flow.

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Looking for something to do

think

Jon Swanson writes:

Time to talk about strengths. The capacities that we have to do things.

For example, I find it easy to see the connections between things that no one else sees. Sometimes this gets me in trouble. Sometimes people think I’m merely being silly. But sometimes these connections look like creativity. Sometimes people say “I never thought of it that way.”

That’s a strength of mine. It’s not the best strength or my only strength. It’s not something that other people need to desire. In fact, why do you need it if I have it? What you could say is, “What can Jon and I do together, if he can see odd connections and I can actually implement them?” Because I am a lousy implementer.

You may be able to see a strength of mine better than you can see your own strengths. What we do from our strengths, we don’t think of as a strength, because it is just how we are. So we believe we don’t have any strengths, nothing that we are capable of, nothing that God can use for anything significant. We just have what we do.

It’s worth thinking carefully and seriously to discover what our strengths are.

The first part of that thinking is to decide that it’s possible that God has created us with capacities. Because you know that you are thinking “I have no strengths” or “God’s got nothing I can use.” But didn’t the kid have fish and bread? 15,000 people fed.  Didn’t David know how to write little poems? The book of Psalms. Didn’t Barnabas know how to encourage people? Paul. Didn’t Moses know how to lead sheep through the desert? Deliverer.

We know the end of the stories. They just had what they did.

Tomorrow I’ll have some strength finding questions.” via Looking for something to do..

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Moving Forward

Melody Beattie writes:

Much as we would like, we cannot bring everyone with us on this journey called recovery. We are not being disloyal by allowing ourselves to move forward. We don’t have to wait for those we love to decide to change as well.
Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to grow, even though the people we love are not ready to change. We may even need to leave people behind in their dysfunction or suffering because we cannot recover for them. We don’t need to suffer with them.
It doesn’t help.
It doesn’t help for us to stay stuck just because someone we love is stuck. The potential for helping others is far greater when we detach, work on ourselves, and stop trying to force others to change with us.
Changing ourselves, allowing ourselves to grow while others seek their own path, is how we have the most beneficial impact on people we love. We’re accountable for ourselves. They’re accountable for themselves. We let them go, and let ourselves grow.

Today, I will affirm that it is my right to grow and change, even though someone I love may not be growing and changing alongside me.

Source: Moving Forward – Language of Letting Go – SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

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The Path To Healing

Tommy Rosen has been doing a great job covering the 12 step program over at The Daily Love. Today he writes:

In this Step, we will practice taking full ownership of the circumstances of our relationships in our lives to this point. We will own our side of the street completely and we will approach those that we have harmed with humility, honesty, compassion and a sincere desire to set things right. We will put out of our minds anything that they may have done wrong and approach them to apologize and also to make an amends. Many people confuse making amends with an apology. An apology is to say sorry for what you have done. To “make amends” is to express that you are changing yourself in such a way that you will not commit the same act again. To make amends also has a connotation of making reparations. We will need to make the situation right. If we have stolen, then we re-pay what we have stolen. If we have cheated, then we ask what we can do to make it up to them. Far beyond a simple apology, which by the way, we may have given before many times, when we give an amends, it is a more profound act that can bring true healing in its wake.

Go to your 8th Step list and note all the people who are in your general location. These are people who you can get to easily face to face. Begin to make appointments to see them. No need to let them know exactly what your intention is other than to get together to connect and that it is important to you. Sometimes they will not want to see you. We always try to make amends face to face unless it is not possible. If a person refuses to see you, or lives halfway across the world or if they have passed on, then writing a letter will be sufficient. Prepare yourself before you meet someone to make an amends. Make certain you are ready to own your side of the street and stay off of theirs. It is wise to discuss each amends first with your sponsor or teacher.” Get more here: Step Nine – The Path To Healing – Making Amends!.

Follow the link and read the whole series in you’re interested…

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A prayer…

“May today there be peace within.  May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.  May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others.  May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.  May you be content with yourself just the way you are.  Let this knowledge settle into your bones and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise, and love.  It is there for each and everyone of us.” St. Theresa’s Prayer via A prayer……………. Photo via Popsdigital.

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Living Our Lives

Melody Beattie writes:

“Don’t stop living your life!

So often, when a problem occurs, inside or around us, we revert to thinking that if we put our life on hold we can posi­tively contribute to the solution. If a relationship isn’t work­ing, if we face a difficult decision, if we’re feeling depressed, we may put our life on hold and torment ourselves with obsessive thoughts.

Abandoning our life or routines contributes to the problem and delays us from finding the solution.

Frequently, the solution comes when we let go enough to live our life, return to our routine, and stop obsessing about the problem.

Sometimes, even if we don’t feel like we have let go or can let go, we can “act as if” we have, and that will help bring about the letting go we desire.

You don’t have to give up your power to problems. You can take your focus off your problem and direct it to your life, trusting that doing so will bring you closer to a solution.

Today, I will go on living my life and tending to my routine. I will decide, as often as I need to to stop obsessing about whatever is bothering me. If I don’t feel like letting go of a particular thing, I will “act as if” I have let go of it until my feelings match my behavior.” via June 9: Living Our Lives.

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The Gift of Readiness

Melody Beattie writes:

“Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” Step Six of Al-Anon.

We progress to the Sixth Step by working diligently, to the best of our ability, on the first Five Steps. This work readies us for a change of heart, openness to becoming changed by a Power greater than ourselves – God.

The path to this willingness can be long and hard. Many of us have to struggle with a behavior or feeling before we become ready to let it go. We need to see, over and over again, that the coping device that once protected us is no longer useful.

The defects of character referred to in Step Six are old survival behaviors that once helped us cope with people, life, and ourselves. But now they are getting in our way, and it is time to be willing to have them removed.

Trust in this time. Trust that you are being readied to let go of that which is no longer useful. Trust that a change of heart is being worked out in you.

God, help me become ready to let go of my defects of character. Help me know, in my mind and soul, that I am ready to let go of my self defeating behaviors, the blocks and barriers to my life.” via 6/6 Language of Letting Go – SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information.

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For the Next 24 Hours…

Melody Beattie writes:

For the next twenty-four hours…

In recovery, we live life one day at a time, an idea requiring an enormous amount of faith. We refuse to look back—unless healing from the past is part of today’s work. We look ahead only to make plans. We focus on this day’s activity, living it to the best of our ability. If we do that long enough, we’ll have enough connected days of healthy living to make something valuable of our life.

…I pray for knowledge of Your will for me only,…

We surrender to God’s will. We stop trying to control, and we settle for a life that is manageable. We trust our Higher Power’s will for us—that it’s good, generous, and with direction. We’re learning, through trial and error, to separate our will from God’s will. We’re learning that God’s will is not offensive. We’ve learned that sometimes there’s a difference between what others want us to do and God’s will. We’re also learning that God did not intend for us to be codependent, to be martyrs, to control or caretake. We’re learning to trust ourselves.

…and the power to carry that through.

Some of recovery is accepting powerlessness. An important part of recovery is claiming the power to take care of ourselves. Sometimes, we need to do things that are frightening or painful. Sometimes, we need to step out, step back, or step forward. We need to call on the help of a Power greater than ourselves to do that. We will never be called upon to do anything that we won’t be empowered to do.

Today, I can call upon an energizing Power Source to help me. That Power is God. I will ask for what I need.

Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (pp. 122-123). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.

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Affirm Yourself…

Cover of "The Language of Letting Go (Haz...

Melody Beattie writes:

Who or what do you want to become? A good parent? A sober, recovering person? A good girlfriend, boyfriend, or spouse? Do you want to become happy, peaceful, tolerant? Don’t wait until you’re successful to tell yourself you’re that. Start now by saying you are what you want to become instead of reinforcing the words I’m not. Yes, you have much to learn. Yes, there’s a ways to go on that path. And you may not be proficient at it, or an expert, yet. But you don’t have to be to say those two little words I am.

Help create the new part of your personality by using and affirming those powerful words I am. Then watch as a new part of yourself emerges.

God, help me use my creative powers to create a better, more fulfill­ing life. Help me use the words I am to create who you and I want me to be…

via April 23: Affirm Yourself | Language of Letting Go.

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Are You Making Someone Else Your Higher Power?

Mastin Kipp writes:

A definition of interdependence is: “a reciprocal relation between interdependent entities.”

The key word here is: “reciprocal”. Interdependence can be thought of as a relationship where each party gives and receives from his or her own internal overflow. This is TOTALLY different than “codependence” which can be thought of as being “addicted to someone”.

Another way to look at it, spiritually, is this:

A codependent person makes someone else his or her Higher Power. An interdependent person knows that The Uni-verse is their Higher Power and keeps their focus on that, while choosing to be in a relationship with someone else who is also looking to The Uni-verse to fulfill them.” Get more here: Are You Making Someone Else Your Higher Power?.

If any of this gives you pause to think, you might want to take a look at Melody Beattie‘s book Codependent No More — it’s full of pratical thoughts, tools and tactics for taking codependency head on. You can download a free sample here. I first became aware of this issue in my life about a year ago but this book, the accompanying workbook and her meditation book “Language of Letting Go” have been helpful to me in overcoming codependency and having better relationships…

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Shallow Small Group Bible Study

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On being connected…

LOL. ‘Make me one with everything’…

What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot-dog vendor? Can you make me one with everything?

I was buckling my seat belt in the little Cessna one day, get­ting ready for flight training, when my instructor Rob turned to me.

“I just take a second when I strap myself in and tell myself I’m becoming one with the plane as I do,” Rob said. “It really helped me in the beginning when I was nervous and felt so separate from the airplane.”

What a great idea, I thought. That day turned into one of my most comfortable flying sessions. It reminded me of a lesson I had learned a while back.

For most of my life, I felt disconnected from things: from myself, from other people, from life. That feeling of separate­ness haunted me. It explains why I tried so desperately to attach myself codependently to people, places, and things.

Over the years, I began to see that my separateness was an illusion. The same energy, the same life force, that runs through all the universe runs through you and me, too.

We’re connected, whether we know it or not.

Nobody has to make you one with everything. You already are.

Let go of your illusion of separateness.

Connect yourself.

God, help me know my oneness with the world. Help me know how connected I really am so I don’t have to connect in ways that don’t work.

via April 15: Connect Yourself | Language of Letting Go.

Something else I like about Melody Beattie — she’s a pilot, or at least a student pilot…

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