Dr Tara J. Palmatier writes:
Over the last few months, many Shrink4Men readers have posted comments about how much time their spouses, girlfriends and exes spend on Facebook, MySpace, Twitter personal blogs and other social media platforms like mommy and bridal websites. Their behavior goes far beyond the typical sharing of family photos or funny news links. These individuals create their own public-relations-spin-control-propaganda-I-am-the-center-of-the universe profiles, networks and feeds.
One recently divorced reader’s (Still Recovering) ex-wife became obsessed with her profile and “friends” on a popular bridal site, TheKnot, and then a newlywed site, TheNest. His ex maintained her elaborate profile post-divorce—including photos of him and their wedding—and communicated with her followers as if they were still married. After repeatedly requesting that she remove his photos, he publicly outed her regarding the divorce. His ex and her online friends erupted into a flame war in which they portrayed him as the abusive psycho rather than his ex-wife who was masquerading as a perennial bride-newlywed in order to maintain her status and feel special. Still Recovering suspects that his ex-wife may, in fact, be a narcissistic personality.
Other readers report that their wives, girlfriends and exes spend inordinate amounts of time every day fine tuning their profiles and posting updates in which they portray themselves as busy “super moms/super wives/super martyrs” who single-handedly run their households and take care of their children and husbands. One wonders how they do all of this while spending most of the day online.
What’s the connection between narcissism and social media?” Read the rest of the article here: Social Media Platforms, Narcissists, Borderlines and Histrionics: The Lure of Blogs, Facebook and MySpace « A Shrink for Men.
- Social Media Marketing 101 (twincreekmedia.com)
- What does it say about you to use online social media? (boomercafe.com)
A few weeks ago I curated an article from Michael Hyatt on ‘How to be your spouse’s best friend’. A few days ago, I found this article in Psychology Today by author Isadora Alman who has an interesting perspective and some good advice:
With any client’s first visit, usually presenting with some aspect of a relationship concern, I always review other aspects of their life – general health, the work he or she does and feelings about it, other people in their life (family, friends), what recreational activities are pursued, and if the person has enough time for him or herself. Almost always the answer to this last question is “no”. While all the other aspects of a life I ask about may have some bearing on a relationship issue, this last one always does.
Most of us these days lead frantic lives with demands for time coming at us from all directions. Priorities have to be assigned and almost always personal needs beyond the most basic of food and sleep are often swept aside. Even then, many people are not eating well or getting enough sleep so a half hour a day to simply take a deep breath of fresh air is just not there. Time to connect with a partner about how your day went or what’s on your mind in general is left, if it happens at all, to a few groggy moments before sleep takes over.
Let’s say, however, that one does manage to schedule a movie or a meal out. What if your partner prefers a different movie than the one you want to see, or a different type of restaurant food? What if he or she would prefer not to go to a movie at all but to a sports event or an art museum? Do you forego what you want for the sake of couple harmony? If so, no wonder you might be feeling lonely although coupled. You’re living your life via someone else’s choices rather than your own.
An oversimplification perhaps, but I strongly feel that you need to be your own best friend. Your own needs must be given some priority so that, as a fulfilled person, you can then be in a position to be more generous with your partner and others around you. If you’re feeling lonely and not getting the support, sympathy or help from your spouse that is the very definition of friendship, look elsewhere – for a friend, usually same sex, and not place that burden of such expectations entirely on your spouse. If you are feeling too much closeness within the coupled bonds, take what space you need for maximum enjoyment of life….and for maximum enjoyment of your partnership as well. Two people who each have their needs met, who take responsibility of fulfilling their own needs, will make much better and more interesting partners to each other.
How do you decide whom to marry?
“You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.” ‒ Alan, age 10
How can a stranger tell if two people are married? “You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.” – Derrick, age 8
What do you think your mom and dad have in common? “Both don’t want any more kids.” – Lori, age 8
When is it okay to kiss someone? “When they’re rich.” – Pam, age 7
How would you make a marriage work? “Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.” – Ricky, age 10
Classic. So what do your kids think about your marriage? If you think you need to do a better job portraying what a marriage should be, the first step is to renew the romance. Start with a getaway. Have you ever planned a trip for just you and your wife without the kids? If not, or if you want to do another trip, here are 10 tips for a romantic getaway.
Two brothers live at home with their parents. Don, 17, has a strict curfew. Dan, 16, is never told when to come home. The difference is trust.
Mom and dad know Dan will be home around 10:00. If he’s going to be late, he always calls. But Don never lets them know what he’s up to and he’s lied consistently for years.
For all his openness and detailed communication, Dan feels free as a bird. Don, however, even though he keeps many secrets, always resents what he experiences as a short leash.
Marriage is a similar dance of trust and credibility. Partners who demand “freedom” and push the limits to see how tethered they really are never experience the sense of liberty experienced by those who respect their spouse, keep no secrets, and keep one-another informed about everything.
Non sequitur? Not really. Trust is a sticky issue, but it’s an irreplaceable element if relationships are to experience the kind of freedom and confidence that can only be grounded in mutual respect.
Here are 10 ways to foster trust with your wife…
Follow the ‘via’ link if you’d like the 10 ways. Me? I’m working on it…