Tag: Disorders

Working With Difficulties

Tara Brach writes:

About twelve years ago, a number of Buddhist teachers began to share a new mindfulness tool that offers in-the-trenches support for working with intense and difficult emotions. Called RAIN (an acronym for the four steps of the process), it can be accessed in almost any place or situation. It directs our attention in a clear, systematic way that cuts through confusion and stress. The steps give us somewhere to turn in a painful moment, and as we call on them more regularly, they strengthen our capacity to come home to our deepest truth. Like the clear sky and clean air after a cooling rain, this mindfulness practice brings a new openness and calm to our daily lives.

I have now taught RAIN to thousands of students, clients, and mental health professionals, adapting and expanding it into the version you’ll find in this chapter. I’ve also made it a core practice in my own life. Here are the four steps of RAIN presented in the way I’ve found most helpful:

R   Recognize what is happening 

A  Allow life to be just as it is

I   Investigate inner experience with kindness

N  Non-Identification

RAIN directly de-conditions the habitual ways in which you resist your moment-to-moment experience. It doesn’t matter whether you resist “what is” by lashing out in anger, by having a cigarette, or by getting immersed in obsessive thinking. Your attempt to control the life within and around you actually cuts you off from your own heart and from this living world. RAIN begins to undo these unconscious patterns as soon as we take the first step.

Full story at: Tara Brach – Working With Difficulties.

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How to Practice Radical Acceptance

Kristin Barton Cuthriell got me started with her post this morning and I can’t let this thought go. Here, an eHow contributor give instructions on how to practice radical acceptance:

Radical acceptance is the practice of accepting life on its own terms and finding effective strategies to cope with whatever is happening. It doesn’t mean being passive, but accepting “what is” with the understanding that you have the power of choice. Practicing radical acceptance is a choice that can ease stress and depression and enhance your overall quality of life.

Get the instructions here: How to Practice Radical Acceptance | eHow.com.

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How To Let Go Of Codependency

SunsetHoldingHands660Shelly Bullard writes:

Codependency is one of those words that gets tossed around a lot, but I’m not sure many people really know what it means. The definition can be both vague and all-encompassing.

Codependency is not a word I use too often because I find that it can come off sounding derogatory—like something is wrong with you if you’re codependent. And I personally like to steer clear from labeling people as flawed.

But another reason I don’t use the word often is because I prefer the phrase “to be human”—because from my experience, we all have codependent tendencies. (So let’s agree to drop the pejorative label right here, shall we?)

The reality is, codependent behavior is quite common in relationships. Therefore it seems appropriate to give it some air-time. In this article I am going to discuss what I know about codependency and give you some suggestions on how to shift this pattern in your life.

Codependency is a word used to describe the process of using another person’s feelings to dictate how you feel.

So this could mean that you are dependent on someone else’s positive attention or positive affect to feel good. And this could mean that someone’s negative attention or negative affect makes you feel bad. (And anything in between.)

When you are codependent, you make another person your higher power. Your sense of well-being (and lack thereof) is dependent on them.

Full story at: How To Let Go Of Codependency.

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Timing…

Melody Beattie writes:

Wait until the time is right. It is self-defeating to postpone or procrastinate; it is also self-defeating to act too soon, before the time is right.

Sometimes, we panic and take action out of fear. Sometimes, we take untimely action for revenge or because we want to punish someone. We act or speak too soon as a way to control or force someone to action. Sometimes, we take action too soon to relieve feelings of discomfort or anxiety about how a situation will turn out.

An action taken too soon can be as ineffective as one taken too late. It can backfire and cause more problems than it solves. Usually, when we wait until the time is right – sometimes only a matter of minutes or hours – the discomfort dissolves, and we’re empowered to accomplish what we need to do.

In recovery, we are learning to be effective.

Our answers will come. Our guidance will come. Pray. Trust. Wait. Let go. We are being led. We are being guided.

Today, I will let go of my need to control by waiting until the time is right. When the time is right, I will take action.

Source: Just For Today Meditations » Daily Recovery Readings – November 12, 2012

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Creating Calm and Releasing Anxiety: Go Deeper, Not Faster

“It’s not the load that breaks you down; it’s the way you carry it.” ~Lena Horne

Full story at: Creating Calm and Releasing Anxiety: Go Deeper, Not Faster | Tiny Buddha.

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Basics of Codependency

Codependency: The Game

“Whether Codependency is developed in childhood or in adulthood the Codependent demonstrates a lack of trust in themselves. Because they are unable to fix what they see as other peoples problems they feel deficient. Because they believe the lies that a Dependent tells them after being challenged by the Codependent (who often correctly asses the situation in the first place) they learn not to trust their own judgement or intuition. This lack of trust in themselves often leads to them clinging on to those who cannot or will not love them back – often settling for too little. Codependents are also controlled by others and find it hard to resist when someone they grow tired of caring for says or does something that indicates things may change, that they will make more effort and behave how the Codependent expects. So they stick by the Dependent hoping things will be different this time.

Codependents deny their true feelings (fear, neediness, anger, ambivalence towards a Dependent) because they are afraid that they may have to acknowledge that they have to take an action that they really don’t want to take e.g. leaving the Dependent or face a truth that they do not want to face e.g. they can’t fix this problem, the Dependent is abusive etc. Denial of feelings leads to physical problems as the body starts to struggle with the effects of stress and anxiety e.g. high blood pressure, fatigue etc. or as often can happen the effects of substance abuse/food abuse that the Codependent practices in order to numb their emotional pain.

Codependents undertake in manipulative behaviour in the name of love and trying to help but in the end “We aren’t the people who ‘make things happen’. Co-dependents are the people who consistently, and with a great deal of effort and energy, try to force things to happen” Beattie pg. 76. Codependents don’t understand that they don’t have to control others and that any element of control means that the other person would normally have no interest in achieving the outcome the Codependent wants to achieve. They ignore the reality because they are frightened of what it really means for them. “People ultimately do what they want to do. They feel how they want to feel (or how they are feeling); they think what they want to think; they do the things they believe they need to do; and they will change only when they are ready to change. It doesn’t matter if they’re wrong and we’re right. It doesn’t matter if they’re hurting themselves. It doesn’t matter that we could help them if they’d only listen to, and cooperate with, us. IT DOESN’T MATTER” Beattie pg. 80-81.” via Basics of Codependency.

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Attack shame!

Melody Beattie writes:

“Shame can hold us back, hold us down, and keep us staring at our feet.” Beyond Codependency

Watch out for shame.

Many systems and people reek of shame.  They are controlled by shame and may want us to play their game with them.  They may be hoping to hook us and control us through shame.

We dont have to fall into their shame.  Instead, we’ll take the good feelings self, acceptance, love, and nurturing.

Compulsive behaviors, sexually addictive behaviors, overeating, chemical abuse, and addictive gambling are shame-based behaviors.  If we participate in them, we will feel ashamed.  Its inevitable.  We need to watch out for addictive and other compulsive behaviors because those will immerse us in shame.

Our past, and the brainwashing we may have had that imposed original shame upon us, may try to put shame on us.  This can happen when were all alone, walking through the grocery store or just quietly going about living our life.  Dont think.  Dont feel.  Dont grow or change.  Dont be alive.  Dont live life.  Be ashamed!

Be done with shame.  Attack shame.  Go to war with it.  Learn to recognize it and avoid it like the plague.

Today, I will deliberately refuse to get caught up in the shame floating around in the world.  If I cannot resist it, I will feel it, accept it, then be done with it as quickly as possible.  God, help me know that its OK to love myself and help me refuse to submit to shame.  If I get off course, help me learn to change shame into guilt, correct the behavior, and move forward with my life in immediate self-love.” via Adult Children Anonymous.

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Splitting

Split face photo

Splitting creates instability in relationships, because one person can be viewed as either personified virtue or personified vice at different times, depending on whether he or she gratifies the subject’s needs or frustrates them. This along with similar oscillations in the experience and appraisal of the self lead to chaotic and unstable relationship patterns, identity diffusion, and Other-directed mood swings. Consequently, the therapeutic process can be greatly impeded by these oscillations, because the therapist too can become the target of splitting. To overcome the negative effects on treatment outcome, constant interpretations by the therapist are needed.[1]

Splitting contributes to unstable relationships and intense emotional experiences, something that has been noted especially with narcissists. Alexander Abdennur writes in his book on narcissistic personality disorder, Camouflaged Aggression, that “[t]hrough this splitting mechanism, the narcissist can suddenly and radically shift his allegiance. A trusted friend can become an enemy; the partner may become an adversary.”[2]

Treatment strategies have been developed for individuals and groups based on dialectical behavior therapy, and for couples.[3] There are also self help books on related topics such as mindfulness and emotional regulation that have been helpful for individuals who struggle with the consequences of splitting.[4]” Get more here: Splitting (psychology) – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

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Fifty ways to boost your productivity

Category:Educational research

Nicholas Bate shares his 50 ways to boost productivity…

  1. Don’t hold stuff in your head.
  2. Keep your head clear and use your head for thinking: decisive, critical, imaginative.
  3. Use paper/screen for ‘holding’ your list of what needs attention.
  4. Our greatest asset is where we place our attention.  Bear in mind we live in an exciting world where our attention is constantly ‘pulled’ to another place.
  5. To be productive is to maintain attention on what is important in the face of continuous distraction.
  6. And what needs attention is not just urgent, but what is important and thus often apparently not urgent e.g. health.
  7. Thus: ask what is important?
  8. Firstly by referencing the compass points of your life….
  9. Thus: your business/career
  10. Thus: your health
  11. Thus: your relationships
  12. Thus: your finances
  13. Capture these on you attention list.
  14. Secondly by stretching your planning horizon…
  15. Every day, ask what’s important tomorrow?
  16. Every week, ask what’s important next week?
  17. Every month, ask what’s important next month?
  18. Every quarter, ask what’s important next quarter?
  19. Every year, ask what’s important next year?
  20. Capture these to on your attention list.
  21. And finally anything which is burning and urgent; add these to your list.
  22. But the more you do 8 and 14 above…
  23. The fewer will be generated by  21.
  24. Every end-of-the-working-day review your list and decide what does need attention: create your daily list.
  25. Don’t try and do everything…

via Fifty Ways To Boost Your Productivity – Nicholas Bate.

Follow the ‘via’ link above if you’d like the remaining 25 ways. Before you go, however, I’d like to call your attention to a post and a couple of screencasts I’ve done on a tool called Evernote that I use in conjunction with a ‘philosophy’ called Getting Things Done [GTD] to help implement Nicholas’ first 6 ways…

http://youtu.be/_vaGNnCuc4s
http://youtu.be/Py-X0GIlRrU
http://youtu.be/e4ySRRUB_8I

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Preserving Mental Health During Unemployment

"Driver looking for work" Unemployed...
Image via Wikipedia

Our nation is facing unprecedented rates of unemployment as well as job insecurity and dissatisfaction. Recent figures put the national jobless rate at close to 10%, not including those who left the workforce or those staying in unsatisfying jobs. In a culture that values the work role and external signs of status, wealth and achievement above all else. it is not surprising that rates of anxiety and mental disorders are increasing and that more prescriptions for anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medications are being written every day.

via my.psychologytoday.com

Follow the ‘via’ link above if you or someone you love is unemployed…

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Do You Forgive Yourself?

Rembrandt – “The Return of the Prodigal Son
Image via Wikipedia

We often talk about the importance of forgiveness and resentment release, release resentment, and make peace with what others have hurt us in the past. But what to forgive the person who unwittingly to blame more?

This person is the one you wake up and spend every moment of every day. It is the person most worthy of your love, understanding and forgiveness radical. Obviously, that person is you. Can you forgive?

As sure as you’re alive to read the words on this page, you hurt someone and you have been hurt by someone at some point in their lives. Part of his anger over it can permanently damage inside. It’s barely recognizable, unless you know what you’re looking for. Do you like the sense of wonder, freedom and invincibility fallen by the wayside, replaced by a disguised unforgiveness, fear self-doubt, anxiety, feelings of inadequacy or depression?

If you do not let them get to the last, is the time. There is nothing in the past for you, you can not change what you do. Whatever you want to do something else, let him go. You have the best you can do with what you had, you know and where you were in your life at that time.

You have complete control over how, where, on the effects of this. This is a new day. Do the best you can do. You will not always get it quite right, but that’s okay. Forgive yourself and start again.

That were not put on this earth to make everything perfect at all times in your life. In fact, life is just the opposite. The journey of life is full of unexpected twists and turns and sometimes unpleasant. Too bad and cause problems, to make bad decisions and experience the effects of other bad decisions. But you do not have to do is get stuck. Guilt serves no purpose other than to keep, then release. You live and learn. Forgive those who hurt you, and most importantly, forgive yourself.

Before proceeding with the rest of your day, I encourage you to take a long time now to repeat (5-20 times) my favorite positive affirmation of forgiveness:

I totally and unreservedly apologize to myself.

Use this daily affirmation. Tape to your mirror, your desk or dashboard of your car. Use it as a reminder to live like you’re in this for more than the past.

Your job in life is to recreate yourself and your life story every day, but how to change history if they do not move in the next chapter?

Stop reliving the past and start creating today. My friend … please fully forgive you.

via imaginethespirit.wordpress.com
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Conquer the Fears Lurking in the Dark Corners of Your Mind

one of the most laughter inducing photos i've ...
Image via Wikipedia

I was reading Confessions of a Shopaholic recently and ran across a passage that struck a chord with me … the main character is avoiding thinking about increasingly urgent letters from banks and creditors, trying to push these worries out of her mind:

“I’m well aware that at the back of my mind, thumping quietly like a drumbeat, are the twin horrors of Guilt and Panic.

“Guilt Guilt Guilt Guilt.

“Panic Panic Panic Panic.

“If I let them, they’d swoop in and take over. I’d feel completely paralyzed with misery and fear. So the trick I’ve learned is simply not to listen. My mind is very well trained like that.”

This passage struck a chord because I’ve been there. I’ve had those horrors of guilt and panic at the back of my mind, many times.

I’ve done it with debt — I let the letters from creditors pile up, trying to ignore them, not wanting to face them.

I’ve done it with my health, knowing I was growing overweight, not wanting to think about the things I was eating.

I’ve done it with smoking, knowing it was bad for me, but trying not to think about it, puffing away.

I’ve done it with projects that I knew I should be working on, but didn’t want to think about them … because I was afraid, for some reason, to face them.

Does any of this sound familiar? Do you have fears lurking in the deepest, darkest corners of your mind? Fears you don’t want to face and try to push back, closing your eyes so you don’t have to see how horrible they are?

If so, I highly recommend you face them now. Be bold and brave. Bring them out into the light of day.

It’s an amazing relief when you actually do face these fears. They actually turn out to be not so bad, not so overwhelming or intimidating. It’s a huge load off your shoulders — you’re liberated from your fear!

via zenhabits.net

Follow the ‘via’ link above if you’d like the rest of Leo’s thoughts…

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