Thinks I find along the way
“Great relationships develop not from the absence of conflict, but from determining an agreeable pattern for how to resolve conflict. Defining the rules of engagement for how you “fight” with someone you care about is ultimately much more important than trying to never have a disagreement.” Healthy Living on HuffingtonPost.com via Rory Vaden: 10 Rules Of Relationship Conflict Resolution.
“Recovery is about more than walking away. Sometimes it means Learning to stay and deal. It’s about building and maintaining relationships that work.” Beyond Codependency
Problems and conflicts are part of life and relationships with friends, family, loved ones, and at work. Problem solving and conflict negotiation are skifis we can acquire and improve with time.
Not being willing to tackle and solve problems in relationships leads to unresolved feelings of anger and victimization, terminated relationships, unresolved problems, and power plays that intensify the problem and waste time and energy.
Not being willing to face and solve problems means we may run into that problem again. Some problems with people cannot be worked out in mutually satisfactory ways. Sometimes the problem is a boundary issue we have, and there is not room to negotiate.
In that case, we need to clearly understand what we want and need and what our bottom line is. Some problems with people, though, can be worked out, worked through, and satisfactorily negotiated. Often, there are workable options for solving problems that we will not even see until we become open to the concept of working through problems in relationships, rather than running from the problems.
To negotiate problems, we must be willing to identify the problem, let go of blame and shame, and focus on possible creative solutions. To successfully negotiate and solve problems in relationships, we must have a sense of our bottom line and our boundary issues, so we don’t waste time trying to negotiate nonnegotiable issues.
We need to learn to identify what both people really want and need and the different possibilities for working that out. We can learn to be flexible without being too flexible. Committed, intimate relationships mean two people are learning to work together through their problems and conflicts in ways that work in both people’s best interest.
Today, I will be open to negotiating conflicts I have with people. I will strive for balance without being too submissive or too demanding. I will strive for appropriate flexibility in my problem-solving efforts.
No marriage is perfect. We all have conflict from time to time. Resolving conflict can be one of the biggest challenges in marriage. When conflict goes unresolved, it causes tension and builds a wall between husband and wife. When attempts at addressing conflict are unproductive or harsh, it can lead to resentment, discouragement and even bigger problems than you faced originally.
So, after you’ve cooled down and taken a break, how can you address conflict successfully in your marriage? One way is to practice the R.E.S.T. method.
Follow the ‘via’ link if you want the R.E.S.T. of the idea…
;-)
In his book, Learning to Live with the Love of Your Life… And Loving It!, Dr. Neil Clark Warren provides eight secrets to working through conflict with your spouse.
1. Marriage is a “We” Business
Dr. Warren says, “Any couple who gains a ‘we’ perspective eventually experiences great success in marriage.” Shift the focus of your marriage to a “we” mentality, especially in conflict.
2. Deal with the Issue as Quickly as Possible
Deal with conflict by getting problems out in the open and addressing them head-on. Don’t let issues fester below the surface.
3. Stick to the Subject
If you are in the middle of an argument with your spouse, stay focused on resolving that current conflict. Don’t throw old fights or problems into the discussion.
4. Don’t Intimidate
Some people become more concerned with “winning” a fight than working through the conflict. They may become mean, intimidating or threatening in order to stay in the fight. In Dr. Warren’s words, “Intimidation may result in victory for an individual, but I’ve never seen it produce victory for the marriage.”
5. No Name-Calling
Establish a rule with your spouse that there will be no name-calling during a fight. Name-calling will only lead to more hurt and emotional distance between the two of you.
6. Turn Up Your Listening Sensitivity
While it may be hard to actively listen to your spouse when your emotions are running high from an argument, you must take the time to try and see their point of view. This is key to the road to resolution. When your spouse feels listened to, they will be more willing to listen to what you have to say, as well.
7. Practice Give and Take
“What we must understand is that marriage is a partnership and therefore requires both give and take to be successful,” says Dr. Warren. Be willing to compromise on certain issues that are more important to your spouse. Choose your battles wisely.
8. Celebrate Every Victory
Recognize the victories when you and your spouse successfully work through a conflict together. Focus on the progress you have made as a couple and the new strengths that you have together as a result.
For more help on conflict resolution, check out iMOM’s 10 Ways to Fight Fair with Your Spouse.
Bright, shiny objects! 