Tag: Codependency

Boundaries


Can I go a single day without quoting Melody Beattie? I don’t think so!

“Sometimes, life and people seem to push and push. Be­cause we are so used to pain, we may tell ourselves it doesn’t hurt. Because we are so used to people controlling and manipulating us, we may tell ourselves there is something wrong with us.

There’s nothing wrong with us. Life is pushing and hurting to get our attention. Sometimes, the pain and pushing are pointing toward a lesson. The lesson may be that we’ve be­come too controlling. Or maybe were being pushed to own our power to take care of ourselves. The issue is boundaries.

If something or somebody is pushing us to our limits, that’s exactly what’s happening: we’re being pushed to our limits. We can be grateful for the lesson that’s here to help us explore and set our boundaries.

Today, I will give myself permission to set the limits I want and need to set in my life.” via June 8: Boundaries.

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Snickers doesn’t satisfy!

My buddy Jon Swanson shares this:

I used to argue strongly on behalf of Snickers as a healthy snack. After all, it has peanuts. That makes it healthier than other candy bars like 3 Musketeers that are just fluff.

I was helped in the argument by an ad campaign which affirmed that if you were looking for satisfaction, Snickers was the place to turn. I assume that they were suggesting that it was satisfying primarily for those moments when you are hungry.

What I must acknowledge, however, is that the temporary satisfaction of the hunger pain comes at a nutritional price. There are other options.There are healthier options. But when it’s so easy to go downstairs and get one and there aren’t any of the other options around, you go for the Snickers.

What is more satisfying, I am learning, is being able to buy smaller jeans.

What I am also learning is that I wasn’t just satisfying my hunger. Often, I eat because I don’t want to think. I don’t want to sit still and work through the idea or the tough email or the reflective self-examination or the quiet waiting before God.

I think it’s why God said to Isaiah,

Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.

That hunger that I think is for Snickers is actually a deeper hunger, in my soul rather than my stomach. I know full well that we need food. Because we are created with taste buds, I’m pretty sure we are designed to enjoy good food well. I also know that I spend money of snacks not good, time on words that don’t feed.

But I am slowly shifting both foods.

Source: I’m gradually learning that Snickers doesn’t satisfy. | 300 words a day

It sounds like Jon and I have been on a similar path these days; learning about the benefits of exercise and healthy eating all over again…

Jon has his exercise bike and I’m using a ‘real’ bike combined with fitness walking and yoga with my wife to exercise. Jon is setting aside Snickers and I’m drinking nothing but water, tea and coffee and working to make live foods more than 75% of my diet most days. Exercising the body satisfies. Eating healthy — most times organic — foods satisfies. We both agree Jesus satisfies…

All this goodness in my life is flowing from Celebrate Recovery and healing within, fighting and sometimes defeating codependency and other unhealthy habits. I used to look for the quick fix — the silver bullet — but now I look for lasting change and it’s driven by a hunger for ‘real food’…

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The Gift of Readiness

Melody Beattie writes:

“Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” Step Six of Al-Anon.

We progress to the Sixth Step by working diligently, to the best of our ability, on the first Five Steps. This work readies us for a change of heart, openness to becoming changed by a Power greater than ourselves – God.

The path to this willingness can be long and hard. Many of us have to struggle with a behavior or feeling before we become ready to let it go. We need to see, over and over again, that the coping device that once protected us is no longer useful.

The defects of character referred to in Step Six are old survival behaviors that once helped us cope with people, life, and ourselves. But now they are getting in our way, and it is time to be willing to have them removed.

Trust in this time. Trust that you are being readied to let go of that which is no longer useful. Trust that a change of heart is being worked out in you.

God, help me become ready to let go of my defects of character. Help me know, in my mind and soul, that I am ready to let go of my self defeating behaviors, the blocks and barriers to my life.” via 6/6 Language of Letting Go – SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information.

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20 Ways to Give Without Expectations

“The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.” Samuel Johnson

As a recovering codependent, I love to help and give but sometimes, even I don’t see the strings that are attached until it is too late! “Let someone tell a story without feeling the need to one-up them or tell your own.” Get more here: 20 Ways to Give Without Expectations | Tiny Buddha: Wisdom Quotes, Letting Go, Letting Happiness In. btw, like Lori’s #20: I’ve left this one open for you to write. How do you give just to show you care?

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If you’re not the lead dog…

…the view never changes as they say — and sometimes, that’s OK! One of my biggest pleasures in life is watching my wife’s long lean legs as we ride and if she thinks she’s going faster than me, who am I to tell her different… :-D

What’s my point? I’m always thinking. Not always about the right things, but I’m always thinking. Yesterday, taking a bike ride with my wife, it occurred to me that having a healthy relationship is a lot like taking a bike ride with a friend…

Let me take you back a year to the first time I read “Codependent No More”. A friend had suggested I might [and that’s an understatement] suffer from codependency. As I read the book, I realized I was reading about me. I shared the book with my wife and she took her own lessons from it. As we drove to Illinois to celebrate my birthday with family and listening to some of our favorite love songs, we started to realize how deeply codependent so many love songs are and as a result, they affect our perspective of love. Here are some great examples of sappy love songs I’ve listened to for decades [sorry to pick on Bread, but they illustrate my point so well]…

So what’s the answer? For me it’s the analogy of the bicycle ride and this gets back to what I was saying about thinking too much some times and looking for lessons. The thought came upon me that love is less like walking hand in hand sometimes and more like taking a bike ride together. When you ride together, each person is responsible for their own equipment [oil your chain, inflate your tires, select your own gear] and their own ‘balance’ — you have to make sure you don’t fall off your own bike! You can’t hold up your partner and ride at the same time…

When my wife and I ride, we choose a general route or direction, but I can’t pedal her bike for her. We each have a different strategy for hills, etc. — sometimes I like to kick them in the butt by charging breathlessly up them; sometimes I drop into first gear and crawl up them — but the point is I have to drag my own butt up the hill and she has to get up there by herself. I do my work, she does hers and when you get to the top of the hill and pull out the water bottle it’s sweet to be together again…

Reading this you now know why I don’t write my own material often but this is a deep lesson for me that I wanted to document for myself…

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Detachment means “freedom from emotion”

The Way You Make Me Feel
The Way You Make Me Feel (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Letting someone else’s behavior determine how we feel at every turn is irresponsible. Our emotions should be determined by us, not by someone else. But no doubt we have spent years confusing the boundaries that separate us from other people. Whether at work or at home, we have too often let someone else’s “insanity” affect how we behave and how we feel.

At first, it may seem insensitive not to react to others’ problems or negative behavior. We may fear they’ll think we simply don’t care about them. Learning that it is far more caring to let other people handle their own lives takes time and patience. But with practice, it will begin to feel comfortable. In fact, in time it will feel freeing and wonderful.

I will work on detachment today, knowing that in time the rewards will come. 

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Attack shame!

Melody Beattie writes:

“Shame can hold us back, hold us down, and keep us staring at our feet.” Beyond Codependency

Watch out for shame.

Many systems and people reek of shame.  They are controlled by shame and may want us to play their game with them.  They may be hoping to hook us and control us through shame.

We dont have to fall into their shame.  Instead, we’ll take the good feelings self, acceptance, love, and nurturing.

Compulsive behaviors, sexually addictive behaviors, overeating, chemical abuse, and addictive gambling are shame-based behaviors.  If we participate in them, we will feel ashamed.  Its inevitable.  We need to watch out for addictive and other compulsive behaviors because those will immerse us in shame.

Our past, and the brainwashing we may have had that imposed original shame upon us, may try to put shame on us.  This can happen when were all alone, walking through the grocery store or just quietly going about living our life.  Dont think.  Dont feel.  Dont grow or change.  Dont be alive.  Dont live life.  Be ashamed!

Be done with shame.  Attack shame.  Go to war with it.  Learn to recognize it and avoid it like the plague.

Today, I will deliberately refuse to get caught up in the shame floating around in the world.  If I cannot resist it, I will feel it, accept it, then be done with it as quickly as possible.  God, help me know that its OK to love myself and help me refuse to submit to shame.  If I get off course, help me learn to change shame into guilt, correct the behavior, and move forward with my life in immediate self-love.” via Adult Children Anonymous.

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For the Next 24 Hours…

Melody Beattie writes:

For the next twenty-four hours…

In recovery, we live life one day at a time, an idea requiring an enormous amount of faith. We refuse to look back—unless healing from the past is part of today’s work. We look ahead only to make plans. We focus on this day’s activity, living it to the best of our ability. If we do that long enough, we’ll have enough connected days of healthy living to make something valuable of our life.

…I pray for knowledge of Your will for me only,…

We surrender to God’s will. We stop trying to control, and we settle for a life that is manageable. We trust our Higher Power’s will for us—that it’s good, generous, and with direction. We’re learning, through trial and error, to separate our will from God’s will. We’re learning that God’s will is not offensive. We’ve learned that sometimes there’s a difference between what others want us to do and God’s will. We’re also learning that God did not intend for us to be codependent, to be martyrs, to control or caretake. We’re learning to trust ourselves.

…and the power to carry that through.

Some of recovery is accepting powerlessness. An important part of recovery is claiming the power to take care of ourselves. Sometimes, we need to do things that are frightening or painful. Sometimes, we need to step out, step back, or step forward. We need to call on the help of a Power greater than ourselves to do that. We will never be called upon to do anything that we won’t be empowered to do.

Today, I can call upon an energizing Power Source to help me. That Power is God. I will ask for what I need.

Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (pp. 122-123). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.

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Perfection

Melody Beattie writes:

Many of us picked on ourselves unmercifully before recov­ery. We may also have a tendency to pick on ourselves after we begin recovery.

“If I was really recovering, I wouldn’t be doing that again…:’ “I should be further along than I am:’ These are statements that we indulge in when were feeling shame. We don’t need to treat ourselves that way. There is no benefit.

Remember, shame blocks us. But self-love and acceptance enable us to grow and change. If we truly have done some­thing we feel guilty about, we can correct it with an amend and an attitude of self-acceptance and love.

Even if we slip back to our old, codependent ways of think­ing, feeling, and behaving, we do not need to be ashamed. We all regress from time to time. That’s how we learn and grow. Relapse, or recycling, is an important and necessary part of recovery. And the way out of recycling is not by sham­ing ourselves. That leads us deeper into codependency.

Much pain comes from trying to be perfect. Perfection is impossible unless we think of it in a new way: Perfection is being who and where we are today; it’s accepting and lov­ing ourselves just as we are. We are each right where we need to be in our recovery.

Today, I will love and accept myself for who I am and where I am in my recovery process. I am right where I need to be to get to where I’m going tomorrow.” via June 2: Perfection | Language of Letting Go.

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Affirm Yourself…

Cover of "The Language of Letting Go (Haz...

Melody Beattie writes:

Who or what do you want to become? A good parent? A sober, recovering person? A good girlfriend, boyfriend, or spouse? Do you want to become happy, peaceful, tolerant? Don’t wait until you’re successful to tell yourself you’re that. Start now by saying you are what you want to become instead of reinforcing the words I’m not. Yes, you have much to learn. Yes, there’s a ways to go on that path. And you may not be proficient at it, or an expert, yet. But you don’t have to be to say those two little words I am.

Help create the new part of your personality by using and affirming those powerful words I am. Then watch as a new part of yourself emerges.

God, help me use my creative powers to create a better, more fulfill­ing life. Help me use the words I am to create who you and I want me to be…

via April 23: Affirm Yourself | Language of Letting Go.

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Are You Making Someone Else Your Higher Power?

Mastin Kipp writes:

A definition of interdependence is: “a reciprocal relation between interdependent entities.”

The key word here is: “reciprocal”. Interdependence can be thought of as a relationship where each party gives and receives from his or her own internal overflow. This is TOTALLY different than “codependence” which can be thought of as being “addicted to someone”.

Another way to look at it, spiritually, is this:

A codependent person makes someone else his or her Higher Power. An interdependent person knows that The Uni-verse is their Higher Power and keeps their focus on that, while choosing to be in a relationship with someone else who is also looking to The Uni-verse to fulfill them.” Get more here: Are You Making Someone Else Your Higher Power?.

If any of this gives you pause to think, you might want to take a look at Melody Beattie‘s book Codependent No More — it’s full of pratical thoughts, tools and tactics for taking codependency head on. You can download a free sample here. I first became aware of this issue in my life about a year ago but this book, the accompanying workbook and her meditation book “Language of Letting Go” have been helpful to me in overcoming codependency and having better relationships…

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On being connected…

LOL. ‘Make me one with everything’…

What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot-dog vendor? Can you make me one with everything?

I was buckling my seat belt in the little Cessna one day, get­ting ready for flight training, when my instructor Rob turned to me.

“I just take a second when I strap myself in and tell myself I’m becoming one with the plane as I do,” Rob said. “It really helped me in the beginning when I was nervous and felt so separate from the airplane.”

What a great idea, I thought. That day turned into one of my most comfortable flying sessions. It reminded me of a lesson I had learned a while back.

For most of my life, I felt disconnected from things: from myself, from other people, from life. That feeling of separate­ness haunted me. It explains why I tried so desperately to attach myself codependently to people, places, and things.

Over the years, I began to see that my separateness was an illusion. The same energy, the same life force, that runs through all the universe runs through you and me, too.

We’re connected, whether we know it or not.

Nobody has to make you one with everything. You already are.

Let go of your illusion of separateness.

Connect yourself.

God, help me know my oneness with the world. Help me know how connected I really am so I don’t have to connect in ways that don’t work.

via April 15: Connect Yourself | Language of Letting Go.

Something else I like about Melody Beattie — she’s a pilot, or at least a student pilot…

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Letting Go of Self Doubt

Melody Beattie writes:

A married woman who had recently joined Al-Anon called me one afternoon. She worked part-time as a registered nurse, had assumed all the responsibilities for raising her two children, and did all the household chores, including repairs and finances. “I want to separate from my husband,” she sobbed. “I can’t stand him or his abuse any longer. But tell me, please tell me,” she said, “do you think I can take care of myself?” Codependent No More

Not only is it okay to take care of ourselves, we can take good care of ourselves.

Many of us, so confident about our ability to take care of others, doubt our inherent strength to care for ourselves. We may have come to believe, from our past or present circumstances, that we need to take care of others and we need others to take care of us. This is the ultimate codependent belief.

No matter where this self-defeating belief was born, we can release it and replace it with a better one, a healthier one, a more accurate one.

We can take care of ourselves — whether we are in or out of a relationship. Everything we need will be provided. We will have loved ones, friends, and our Higher Power to help.

Knowing that we can take care of ourselves doesn’t mean we won’t have feelings of fear, discomfort, doubt, anger, and fragility at times. It means we practice “courageous vulnerability,” as Colette Dowling called it in Cinderella Complex. We may feel scared, but we do it anyway.

Today, God, help me know how I can take care of myself.” via Daily Meditation ~ Letting Go of Self Doubt – Miracles In Progress Codependents Anonymous Group.

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Choices

Melody Beattie says:

“We have choices, more choices than we let ourselves see. We may feel trapped in our relationships, our jobs, our life. We may feel locked into behaviors — such as caretaking or controlling. Feeling trapped is a symptom of codependency.

When we hear ourselves say, “I have to take care of this person…”, “I have to say yes….” ,”I have to try to control that person…”, “I have to behave this way, think this way, feel this way…” we can know we are choosing not to see choices.

That sense of being trapped is an illusion. We are not controlled by circumstances, our past, the expectations of others or our unhealthy expectations for ourselves. We can choose what feels right for us, without guilt. We have options.

Recovery is not about behaving perfectly or according to anyone else’s rules. More than anything else; recovery is about knowing we have choices and giving ourselves the freedom to choose.” via Inspiration.

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We have choices


Melody Beattie says:

“We have choices, more choices than we let ourselves see.

We may feel trapped in our relationships, our jobs, our life. We may feel locked into behaviors such as caretaking or controlling.

Feeling trapped is a symptom of codependency. When we hear ourselves say, I have to take care of this person . . . I have to say yes . . . I have to try to control that person . . . I have to behave this way, think this way, feel this way . . . we can know we are choosing not to see choices.

That sense of being trapped is an illusion. We are not controlled by circumstances, our past, the expectations of others, or our unhealthy expectations for ourselves. We can choose what feels right for us, without guilt. We have options.

Recovery is not about behaving perfectly or according to anyone else’s rules. More than anything else, recovery is about knowing we have choices and giving ourselves the freedom to choose.

Today, I will open my thinking and myself to the choices available to me. I will make choices that are good for me.” via Adult Children Anonymous.

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Discovering intimacy

Intimacy is that warm gift of feeling connected to others and enjoying our connection to them.

As we grow in recovery, we find that gift in many, sometimes surprising, places. We may discover we’ve developed intimate relationships with people at work, with friends, with people in our support groups – sometimes with family members. Many of us are discovering intimacy in a special love relationship.

Intimacy is not sex, although sex can be intimate. Intimacy means mutually honest, warm, caring, safe relationships – relationships where the other person can be who he or she is and we can be who we are – and both people are valued.

Sometimes there are conflicts. Conflict is inevitable. Sometimes there are troublesome feelings to work through. Sometimes the boundaries or parameters of relationships change. But there is a bond – one of love and trust.

There are many blocks to intimacy and intimate relationships. Addictions and abuse block intimacy. Unresolved family of origin issues prevents intimacy. Controlling blocks intimacy. Off balance relationships, where there is too great a discrepancy in power, prevent intimacy. Caretaking can block intimacy. Nagging, withdrawing, and shutting down can hurt intimacy. So can a simple behavior like gossip — for example, gossiping about another for motives of diminishing him or her in order to build up ourselves or to judge the person. To discuss another person’s issues, shortcomings, or failures with someone else will have a predictable negative impact on the relationship.

We deserve to enjoy intimacy in as many of our relationships as possible. We deserve relationships that have not been sabotaged. That does not mean we walk around with our heads in the clouds; it means we strive to keep our motives clean when it comes to discussing other people.

If we have a serious issue with someone, the best way to resolve it is to bring the issue to that person.

Direct, clean conversation clears the air and paves the way for intimacy, for good feelings about ourselves and our relationships with others.

Today, God, help me let go of my fear of intimacy. Help me strive to keep my communications with others clean and free from malicious gossip. Help me work toward intimacy in my relationships. Help me deal as directly as possible with my feelings.

via Adult Children Anonymous.

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Recognizing choices

We have choices, more choices than we let ourselves see.

We may feel trapped in our relationships, our jobs, our life. We may feel locked into behaviors such as caretaking or controlling.

Feeling trapped is a symptom of codependency. When we hear ourselves say, I have to take care of this person . . . I have to say yes . . . I have to try to control that person . . . I have to behave this way, think this way, feel this way . . . we can know we are choosing not to see choices.

That sense of being trapped is an illusion. We are not controlled by circumstances, our past, the expectations of others, or our unhealthy expectations for ourselves. We can choose what feels right for us, without guilt. We have options.

Recovery is not about behaving perfectly or according to anyone else’s rules. More than anything else, recovery is about knowing we have choices and giving ourselves the freedom to choose.

Today, I will open my thinking and myself to the choices available to me. I will make choices that are good for me.

via Adult Children Anonymous.

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Are You Robbing Yourself of a Joyful Life?

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” Dwight Edwards

What does this quote mean? How does comparing yourself to others rob you of your own joy?

In your search to create your unique, joy-filled life, you must remember that You = The Only ONE.

You will struggle to live a pleasure-filled life if you do not tap into your core self and who you really are and instead waste precious time wondering why you don’t have the job, the looks, the money, the family, etc. etc. etc. that someone else has. Not embracing and celebrating your uniqueness causes you to conform and stuff yourself down, eventually leading to your one-of-a-kind qualities being lost or forgotten. In conforming, you lose your light, which can lead to feelings of depression and powerlessness.

The Ego, or Self, will fall into one of these categories as a way to cope with the loss of empowerment:

High Ego—power hungry; self absorbed; focus on external image; needs validation from others; blames/condemns others in order to boost self

Low Ego—no power; codependency; lost/confused; plays martyr; never feels gets what deserves; over carrying and worrying; always doubting self and putting self down

Interestingly enough, the high and low egos are two sides of the same coin. Both mask their genuine self by looking outside for the answers, are overly concerned with the image they are portraying, and are never satisfied. ” Get more here: Are You Robbing Yourself of a Joyful Life? « Positively Positive.

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Life is not to be endured

More wisdom from Melody Beattie:

“Life is not to be endured; life is to be enjoyed and embraced.

The belief that we must square our shoulders and get through a meager, deprived existence for far-off “rewards in Heaven” is a codependent belief.

Yes, most of us still have times when life will be stressful and challenge our endurance skills.  But, in recovery, we’re learning to live, to enjoy our lives, and handle situations as they come.

Our survival skills have served us well.  They have gotten us through difficult times-as children and adults.  Our ability to freeze feelings, deny problems, deprive ourselves, and cope with stress has helped us get where we are today.  But we’re safe now.  We’re learning to do more than survive.  We can let go of unhealthy survival behaviors.  We’re learning new, better ways to protect and care for ourselves.  We’re free to feel our feelings, identify and solve problems, and give ourselves the best.  We’re free to open up and come alive.

Today, I will let go of my unhealthy endurance and survival skills.  I will choose a new mode of living, one that allows me to be alive and enjoy the adventure.”

Source: this is a quote “Life is not to be endured; life is to be… | turtle_dove on Xanga

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Getting Needs Met

“I want to change careers . . .  I need a friend . . . I’m ready to be in a relationship . . .

Regularly, we become aware of new needs. We may need to change our behavior with our children. We may need a new couch, love and nurturing, a dollar, or help.

Do not be afraid to recognize a want or need. The birth of a want or need, the temporary frustration from acknowledging a need before it’s met, is the start of the cycle of receiving what we want. We follow this by letting go, then receiving that which we want and need. Identifying our needs is preparation for good things to come.

Acknowledging our needs means we are being prepared and drawn to that which will meet them. We can have faith to stand in that place in between.

Today, I will let go of my belief that my needs never get met. I will acknowledge my wants and needs, and then turn them over to my Higher Power. My Higher Power cares, sometimes about the silliest little things, if I do. My wants and needs are not an accident. God created me and all my desires.” via Daily Meditation ~ Getting Needs Met – Miracles In Progress Codependents Anonymous Group.

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How to Draw the Line When You Have No Idea Where to Put It

“Have you ever felt at a loss when you needed to draw the line with someone?

Have you put yourself at a disadvantage when you failed to draw the line because you couldn’t think of a way to do it ?

Have you ever felt mistreated when someone drew a line to your disadvantage?

Setting boundaries is one of the most important parts of relationships. It is more important to satisfactory relationships that just about everything else, since without agreeable boundaries, most relationships cannot function well. The expression, “Good fences make good neighbors,” is true.

At the same time we all have had experience with poor boundaries, boundaries that are too loose or too strict, boundaries that are self-serving and boundaries that feel abusive.

So what can we do about this?” Go to the source: Setting Boundaries: How to Draw the Line When You Have No Idea Where to Put It.

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