Tag: Al-Anon/Alateen

The Gift of Readiness

Melody Beattie is one of America's most beloved self-help authors and a household name in addiction and recovery circles. Her international bestselling book, Codependent No More, introduced the world to the term "codependency" in 1986. Millions of readers have trusted Melody's words of wisdom and guidance because she knows firsthand what they're going through. In her lifetime, she has survived abandonment, kidnapping, sexual abuse, drug and alcohol addiction, divorce, and the death of a child. "Beattie understands being overboard, which helps her throw bestselling lifelines to those still adrift," said Time Magazine.

Melody Beattie is one of America's most beloved self-help authors and a household name in addiction and recovery circles. Her international bestselling book, Codependent No More, introduced the world to the term "codependency" in 1986. Millions of readers have trusted Melody's words of wisdom and guidance because she knows firsthand what they're going through. In her lifetime, she has survived abandonment, kidnapping, sexual abuse, drug and alcohol addiction, divorce, and the death of a child. "Beattie understands being overboard, which helps her throw bestselling lifelines to those still adrift," said Time Magazine.Melody Beattie writes:

“Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” Step Six of Al-Anon.

We progress to the Sixth Step by working diligently, to the best of our ability, on the first five Steps. This work readies us for a change of heart, an openness to becoming changed by a Power greater than ourselves — God.

The path to this willingness can be long and hard. Many of us have to struggle with a behavior or feeling before we become ready to let it go. We need to see, over and over again, that the coping device that once protected us is no longer useful.

The defects of character referred to in Step Six are old sur­vival behaviors that once helped us cope with people, life, and ourselves. But now they are getting in our way, and it is time to be willing to have them removed.

Trust in this time. Trust that you are being readied to let go of that which is no longer useful. Trust that a change of heart is being worked out in you.

God, help me become ready to let go of my defects of character. Help me know, in my mind and soul, that I am ready to let go of my self-defeating behaviors, the blocks and barriers to my life.” via June 28: The Gift of Readiness.

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Letting Go of Self-Doubt

A second shot of Melody Beattie for today:

A married woman who had recently joined Al Anon called me one afternoon. She worked part-time as a registered nurse, had assumed all the responsibilities for raising her two chil­dren, and did all the household chores, including repairs and finances. “I want to separate from my husband,” she sobbed. “I can’t stand him or his abuse any longer. But tell me, please tell me,” she said, “do you think I can take care of myself?” — Codependent No More

Not only is it okay to take care of ourselves, we can take good care of ourselves.

Many of us, so confident about our ability to take care of others, doubt our inherent strength to care for ourselves. We may have come to believe, from our past or present circum­stances, that we need to take care of others and we need others to take care of us. This is the ultimate codependent belief.

No matter where this self-defeating belief was born, we can release it and replace it with a better one, a healthier one, a more accurate one.

We can take care of ourselves — whether we are in or out of a relationship. Everything we need will be provided. We will have loved ones, friends, and our Higher Power to help.

Knowing that we can take care of ourselves doesn’t mean we won’t have feelings of fear, discomfort, doubt, anger, and fragility at times. It means we practice “courageous vulner­ability,” as Colette Dowling called it in Cinderella Complex. We may feel scared, but we do it anyway.

Today, God, help me know how I can take care of myself.” via June 19: Letting Go of Self-Doubt.

Few books have been more useful to me in my life — if any of the codependency scenarios resonate with you, I recommend you purchase it, the workbook and ‘The Language of Letting Go‘…

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The Gift of Readiness

Melody Beattie writes:

“Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” Step Six of Al-Anon.

We progress to the Sixth Step by working diligently, to the best of our ability, on the first Five Steps. This work readies us for a change of heart, openness to becoming changed by a Power greater than ourselves – God.

The path to this willingness can be long and hard. Many of us have to struggle with a behavior or feeling before we become ready to let it go. We need to see, over and over again, that the coping device that once protected us is no longer useful.

The defects of character referred to in Step Six are old survival behaviors that once helped us cope with people, life, and ourselves. But now they are getting in our way, and it is time to be willing to have them removed.

Trust in this time. Trust that you are being readied to let go of that which is no longer useful. Trust that a change of heart is being worked out in you.

God, help me become ready to let go of my defects of character. Help me know, in my mind and soul, that I am ready to let go of my self defeating behaviors, the blocks and barriers to my life.” via 6/6 Language of Letting Go – SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information.

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Crazy People Can Make You Crazy

Crazy People

“He’s making me crazy I don’t understand. Why would someone say they were going to do one thing, then do something so different from what they say? He looks so good and talks so good. His promises sound so, so real, but then everything falls apart. I end up doing all this work, and he just disappears. I get so dang angry Then about the time I’m ready to blow a gasket, he calls, charms my socks off, and the whole cycle starts over again. I walk away, scratching my head and wondering, ‘What’s wrong with me? Did I just imagine this whole thing? Did I overreact?’ I don’t get it. I don’t understand,”

Maybe it’s time for an Al-Anon meeting.

“And when we’re talking on the phone, I feel like I’m the only one for him. But then when I see him, I know he’s lying to me. I know he’s seeing someone else and standing there looking me right in the eyes and lying about it. When I ask him, he says, ‘Your insecurity is enchanting, and you’re usually such a together person.’ I don’t understand why I feel so insane.”

Maybe it s time for an Al-Anon meeting.

“And then I catch him straight-out lying to me, and I blow up. I just can’t stand that lying stuff especially when

I knew all the time he was lying to me and he denied it. I put up with it and put up with it and then finally I can’t take it anymore. By the time I blow up, he’s standing there looking calm and serene and I’m acting like an insane person.”

Crazy people make us feel crazy. It’s not you. It’s him. How about that meeting?

“And then he calls a few days later, and he says how sorry he is and I can tell he’s sorry Before I know it, I’ve forgotten about everything that happened, and it starts all over again. I keep wondering whether I’m being used, and then I look at him and I just feel so guilty for everything I’m feeling and thinking. Oh yeah. That Al-Anon meeting.”

Step One: Powerless over people, places, and things. My life has become unmanageable. Take a deep breath. Say it again. Then say it one more time. Crazy people make us feel crazy It will happen every time.

Value: Detach in love. Disentangle. Un-embroil yourself from other people’s insanity so you can be restored to sanity. It’s a value many of us learned the hard way.

Source: January 2: Crazy People Can Make You Crazy | Language of Letting Go

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Practice Detachment

Melody Beattie shares this on detachment today…

“‘My husband is using cocaine,” a woman said. “He won’t listen to me when I tell him to stop. So, how about this?

I’ll pop the movie Blow, about cocaine abuse, into the VCR and just keep playing it over and over until he gets the message.”

“How about this,” I said. “You go to an Al-Anon meeting and get some help for yourself.”

The first time we’re exposed to the value of detaching, it can seem so improbable and unlikely. After a while, we begin to see how well detaching works. When we let go of what we cannot change, the other person begins to experience his or her own consequences. The other person may or may not do what we want them to do, but because we’ve been restored to sanity; a clear path opens for us. The things we do actually begin to help.

The first time we practice detachment is the hardest. Later, it becomes easier.

Challenge: No matter how long we have practiced the value of detachment, recognizing when we need to do it can still be the hardest part. « December 30: Taking care of Yourself” Source: December 31: Practice Detachment | Language of Letting Go

Of all the lifeskills I’ve been working on, detachment has been the hardest for me but I find the most value in learning how to use it.

In the back of my mind, I’m working on a post called ‘Everything I need to know about detachment I learned from Boo’. Boo is my cat and I love her to pieces but I don’t expect her to act like a dog. Sometimes when I’m ready to play with her, she’s not ready to play with me and that’s ok. It’s easy for me to understand healthy detachment when I think about Boo. Not so easy when I think about my wife. But I’m learning…

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Facing Our Dark Side

steps 5851
Image by dawneday via Flickr

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
— Step Four of Al-Anon

By the time we get to the Fourth of the Twelve Steps, we are ready to face our darker side, the side that prevents us from loving ourselves and others, from letting others love us, and from enjoying life. The purpose of Step Four is not to make ourselves feel worse; our purpose is to begin to remove our blocks to joy and love.

We look for fears, anger, hurt, and shame from past events buried feelings that may be affecting our life today. We search for subconscious beliefs about ourselves and others that may be interfering with the quality of our relationships.

These beliefs say: I’m not lovable. … I’m a burden to those around me…. People can’t be trusted…. I can’ t be trusted…. I don’t deserve to be happy and successful…. Life isn’t worth living.

We look at our behaviors and patterns with an eye toward discerning the self-defeating ones. With love and compassion for ourselves, we try to unearth all our guilt – earned and unearned and expose it to the light.

We perform this examination without fear of what we shall find, because this soul searching can cleanse us and help us feel better about ourselves than we ever dreamt possible.

God, help me search out the blocks and barriers within myself Bring what I need to know into my conscious mind, so I can be free of it. Show me what I need to know about myself.

Source: December 12: Facing Our dark Side | Language of Letting Go

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Surrender

Umezu signing the instrument of surrender to t...
Surrender...

“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. Step Three of Al-Anon; Surrendering to a Power greater than ourselves is how we become empowered. We become empowered in a new, better, more effective way than we believed possible. Doors open. Windows open. Possibilities occur. Our energy becomes channeled, at last, in areas and ways that work for us. We become in tune with the Plan for our life and our place in the Universe. And there is a Plan and Place for us. We shall see that. We shall know that. The Universe will open up and make a special place for us, with all that we need provided. It will be good. Understand that it is good, now. Learning to own our power will come, if we are open to it. We do not need to stop at powerlessness and helplessness. That is a temporary place where we re-evaluate where we have been trying to have power when we have none. Once we surrender, it is time to become empowered. Let the power come, naturally. It is there. It is ours. Today, I will be open to understanding what it means to own my power. I will accept powerlessness where I have no power; I will also accept the power that is mine to receive.” Source: November 11: Surrender | Language of Letting Go

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Enough for everyone…

Bondi Beach
Image via Wikipedia

One sweltering summer day, I sought escape from the heat at a nearby beach.  Lying there with my lemonade, I looked at all the people soaking up the sun.  No matter how many people were on that beach, there would be enough sun for everyone.  I realized that the same was true of God’s love and guidance.  No matter how many people seek a Higher Power’s help, there is always enough to go around.  To someone who believed that there was never enough time, money, love, or anything else, this was amazing news!

This awareness was tested at an Al-Anon meeting when someone spoke about his Higher Power with a personal love and intensity that matched my own.  I felt as if his intimacy with God would leave less love for me.  But I think that the opposite is true.  I often feel closest to my “Higher Power” when I hear others share about how well a Higher Power has taken care of them.  Today I try to remember that there is enough love for us all…

via 12stepsthinkaboutit.org

Follow the ‘via’ link above for another recovery blog that I think you’ll enjoy…

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The ‘higher power’ and relationships…


Image via Wikipedia

“A definition of Interdependence is, “a reciprocal relation between interdependent entities.”

The key word here is: “reciprocal”. Interdependence can be thought of as a relationship where each party gives and receives from his or her own internal overflow. Which is TOTALLY different than “codependence” which can be thought of as being “addicted to someone”.

Another way to look at it, spiritually, is this:

A codependent person makes someone else his or her Higher Power. An interdependent person knows that The Uni-verse is their Higher Power and keeps their focus on that, while choosing to be in a relationship with someone else who is also looking to The Uni-verse to fulfill them…

You see, when we make someone else our Higher Power, we are REALLY setting ourselves up for pain. This is a top cause of pain in relationships and of break ups. We are looking to someone else for something they can never give us – which is perfect and unwavering Love. There is only one place unwavering Love comes from and that is The Uni-verse.

The Love of The Uni-verse never changes; other people change all the time. When we keep our eyes on The Uni-verse and surrender to It’s will for us, we take everyone else off the hook for our happiness. We no longer seek to take Love from them, but to show up from a place of overflow and give Love to them. This kind of relationship creates two really great givers and FORgivers. This is the cornerstone of having an awesome and long-term relationship.

Are you making a person your Higher Power? Are you ready to take your eyes off of them and put them towards The Uni-verse and accept It’s perfect Love for you? Can you see yourself and those you are in relationship with as imperfect human beings who are fallible and Love them anyways, not because they are fulfilling your every need, but because it is Love that is who you really are? Do you think you might be addicted to someone?” Source; A Top Cause of Relationship Pain & BreakUps!

Of course for me, the Uni-verse is Jesus, but Mastin Kipp makes brilliant sense here. For me, anyway. As Gibran said “Do not say I have found THE truth, but I have found A truth”. Kipp and his site have really been a blessing to me as I try to take a healthier perspective on relationships…

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