We need to make a distinction between powerlessness and owning our power. The first step in recovery is accepting powerlessness. There are some things we can’t do, no matter how long or hard we try. These things include changing other people, solving their problems, and controlling their behavior. Sometimes, we feel powerless over ourselves—what we feel or believe, or the effects of a particular situation or person on us. It’s important to surrender to powerlessness, but it’s equally important to own our power. We aren’t trapped. We aren’t helpless. Sometimes it may feel like we are, but we aren’t. We each have the God-given power, and the right, to take care of ourselves in any circumstance, and with any person. The middle ground of self-care lies between the two extremes of controlling others and allowing them to control us. We can walk that ground gently or assertively, but in confidence that it is our right and responsibility. Let the power come to walk that path. Today, I will remember that I can take care of myself. I have choices, and I can exercise the options I choose without guilt.
Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (p. 37). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.
I stumbled upon this great post from Mastin Kipp. I hope he doesn’t mind, but I’m going to share it in its entirety…
Community is everything. If you want to see a preview of your future, look to who you are hanging out with. This isn’t some moral statement about your peer group, it’s more of a vibrational or elevational statement.
You see, we live in a literal Uni-verse. That means that we become what we think and what we think is greatly determined by who we spend the most amount of time with.
Do you spend time with people who are constantly trashing your dreams? If so, then after time, you begin to believe their doubt and their fear; not because their doubt and fear are true, but because we are creatures of habit and our subconscious mind begins to absorb what we hear, especially the feedback from people we love and spend a lot of time with. And if you start to believe their doubt, then soon you will begin to take action from that belief in doubt and BAM – the manifestation of the belief of doubt becomes real. Not because it’s true, but because the belief of doubt became your dominate thought pattern and that thought pattern influenced your actions and your actions produced the outcome.
The outcome of our lives begins within us. If we water our dreams with doubt, then we think doubtful thoughts; take doubtful action and our lives become a living testament and proof of our belief. Then, what many people do is take this “proof” and use it to further justify their initial belief. But you see, what they’re missing this whole time is the fact that their initial thoughts of doubt is what created the outcome of doubt. They unknowingly participate in their own demise.
But, this can be prevented by hanging with the proper community of people. Let us hang with people who uplift us, who encourage us towards our dreams and who challenge our thought patterns. Let us not surround ourselves with people who always agree with us, but rather people who support our growth by challenging our beliefs and helping us break through to new mental and spiritual ground so that our lives may be enriched as a by-product.
Look around. Who are you spending time with? And more importantly, who are you believing? If you have a dream, do you believe people who are living their dreams and thus know the TRUTH about what’s possible, or do you take advice from people who aren’t living their dreams and thus will tell you it’s not possible.
Who you spend time with and who you believe is a major factor that will determine whether you are successful or not. Our aim should be to hang with people who are loving, who believe in us, who challenge us to go to the next level and who inspire us. Life is far too short to hang with people who are always negative and who want you to stay bitter and pissed off like them. It takes a lot of humility to admit when we’re wrong and to grow past our limiting beliefs. Let’s surround ourselves with people who support our growth, not necessarily the way we want, but most certainly the way we need.
The mother eagle teaches her little ones to fly by making their nest so uncomfortable that they are forced to leave it and commit themselves to the unknown world of air outside. And just so does our God to us.
— Hannah Whitall Smith
Sometimes, the pressure comes from within us. Sometimes, it’s external. That job folds. The relationship stops working. Alcohol and drugs stop working. What am I going to do?
“It doesn’t take as much faith to believe that everything happens for a reason as it does to embrace the belief that I am who and where I am now, today, for a reason—even if I don’t know what that reason is and even if I don’t particularly like who or where I am today,” a friend said to me. “When I can take that in, my dissatisfaction and negativity disappear, and I can proceed calmly and gratefully with my life. To me,” he said, “that’s what spirituality is all about.”
Faith and hope aren’t just for the future. Try using them on today.
Could it be that you’re who you are and where you are now for a reason? Thank God for your life, exactly as it is, right now.
We can learn not to get hooked into unhealthy, self-defeating behaviors in relationships—behaviors such as caretaking, controlling, discounting ourselves, and believing lies. We can learn to watch for and identify hooks, and choose not to allow ourselves to be hooked. Often, people do things consciously or without thinking that pull us into a series of our self-defeating behaviors we call codependency. More often than not, these hooks can be almost deliberate, and the results predictable. Someone may stand before us and hint or sigh about a problem, knowing or hoping that hint or sigh will hook us into taking care of him or her. That is manipulation. When people stand around us and hint and sigh about something, then coyly say, “Oh, never mind, that’s not for you to worry about,” that’s a game. We need to recognize it. We’re about to get sucked in, if we allow that to happen. We can learn to insist that people ask us directly for what they want and need. What are the words, the signs, the looks, the hints, the cues that hook us into a predictable, and often self-defeating behavior? What makes you feel sympathy? Guilt? Responsible for another? Our strong point is that we care so much. Our weak point is that we often underestimate the people with whom we’re dealing. They know what they’re doing. It is time we give up our naive assumption that people don’t follow agendas of their own in their best interest, and not necessarily in ours. We also want to check ourselves out. Do we give out hooks, looks, hints, hoping to hook another? We need to insist that we behave in a direct and honest manner with others, instead of expecting them to rescue us. If someone wants something from us, insist that the person ask us directly for it. Require the same from ourselves. If someone baits the hook, we don’t have to bite it. Today, I will be aware of the hooks that snag me into the caretaking acts that leave me feeling victimized. I will ignore the hints, looks, and words that hook me, and wait for the directness and honesty I, and others, deserve.
Men are not angered by mere misfortune but by misfortune conceived as injury. And the sense of injury depends on the feeling that a legitimate claim has been denied.
— C. S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters
Oh, the grousing about we do, especially when we feel denied of one thing or another—some reward, or achievement, or position that we felt belonged to us.
How enraged we may become when a wish, a hope, a dream, or a want is blatantly denied.
How easy it is to be jealous of the success or happiness of another, even convincing ourselves that the person has laid claim to something that rightfully belonged, instead, to us.
The lesson here is simple.
Remember to be grateful. God doesn’t owe us anything. All of it is a gift.
It’s easy to be thankful for answered prayers, easy to be joyfully grateful when the universe gives us exactly what we want. What’s not so easy is to remember to be grateful when we don’t get what we want.
John wanted an executive position in the company he worked for. He worked hard for the promotion. He prayed daily for his promotion, while giving a hundred percent of his energy and dedication to the position that he was in. But when the time came, he was passed over for his dream job. He left the company shortly after that. Today, he runs his own company with more responsibility, success, and joy than he could have ever hoped for at his old firm.
Susan, a recovering addict, wanted to date Sam more than anything. They got along great those times they ran into each other at work. He was charming, handsome, and sober, she thought. For months she tried to arrange a date with him, prayed that God would bring him into her life. But things never seemed to work out. She didn’t know why. He seemed so interested in her. She was positive that the relationship was divinely ordained. She was stunned when she arrived at work one morning to find that Sam had died the night before of a drug overdose. He had been using drugs and lying about it the whole time.
Sometimes we get what we ask for. Sometimes we don’t. God says, “No.” Be grateful—force gratitude; fake it if you must—when God answers your furtive prayers by saying no.
Take the rejections with a smile. Let God’s “no’s” move you happily down the road. Maybe you’re not being punished, after all. Maybe God is protecting you from yourself.
God, thank you for not always giving me what I think is best.
Something good from Karen Salmansohn that I wanted to share with you…
When someone has hurt you – deeply to your soul – it’s tempting to want to shut down and shut off – to give in and give up – to get bitter, resentful, depressed – and all before breakfast!
This soul-shutting-down tendency reminds me of those classic Zombie horror movies! You know how unconscious, soul-less Zombies walk around – thriving mostly in darkness – miserably taking bites out of happy, soulful people? One chomp – then – suddenly – these newly bitten innocent folks find themselves becoming Zombie-like in their behavior. They feel their souls shut down. They crave spending time in darkness. They want to bite others.
Likewise, if you’ve suffered from an emotional Zombie bite, it’s temping to wanna join the Zombie crowd – and shut off your soul – seek dark thoughts – chomp upon another. It’s especially tempting to want to chomp upon the Zombie chump who chomped upon you!
Basically, when you’ve been bitten by a Zombie, you can find yourself feeling the urge to become Zombie-like yourself. But you must resist! You must stay strong! You must keep your soul alive!
How?
It is easy to be negative about past mistakes and unhappiness. But it is much more healing to look at ourselves and our past in the light of experience, acceptance, and growth. Our past is a series of lessons that advance us to higher levels of living and loving. The relationships we entered, stayed in, or ended taught us necessary lessons. Some of us have emerged from the most painful circumstances with strong insights about who we are and what we want. Our mistakes? Necessary. Our frustrations, failures, and sometimes stumbling attempts at growth and progress? Necessary too. Each step of the way, we learned. We went through exactly the experiences we needed to, to become who we are today. Each step of the way, we progressed. Is our past a mistake? No. The only mistake we can make is mistaking that for the truth. Today, God, help me let go of negative thoughts I may be harboring about my past circumstances or relationships. I can accept, with gratitude, all that has brought me to today.
Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (pp. 21-22). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.
We will always find what we go looking for. And if we want to find excuses that hold us back from transformation, we will find TONS! Yes – TONS! They are everywhere. And many of us have a group of friends who don’t want to change, too – who will back us up with our excuses. Who we hang out with is who we become. The environment we live in molds us more than anything else.
We gotta be super mindful of the people we surround ourselves with and where we choose to exist and be. There are plenty of people in the world who will positively affirm mediocrity! Not because they are bad people, no – but because they do not know any better.
For most people, excuses not to change are commonplace and socially acceptable. But if you are on The Path and ready for transformation, excuses are just another form of resistance that is holding you back! If you want to argue for your limitations, you will justify and further create them!
But that is not who you ARE! That is not where you want to LIVE! Mediocrity is not your emotional home! It’s a cliché, but it’s true that if we seek, we will find. So today, instead of seeking for reasons or excuses NOT to change – start to look for reasons why you should change and get motivated.
I’ve just started trying to come up with a list of the bare minimum of things we should do every day to be happy and healthy.
This list doesn’t include major challenges, like “Quit smoking.” Obviously, quitting smoking is very important for health, but it’s not easy to add to a to-do list. This list doesn’t include items like “Spend less time on the internet” or “Read more” because they aren’t universal enough. This list also doesn’t include items related to attitude: gratitude, cheerfulness, and the like. These are very concrete, very essential things to do as part of the everyday routine.
Here’s what I’ve come up with so far…
Wear your seat belt
Take prescriptions medications properly
Go for a ten-minute walk (preferably outside)
Put your keys and wallet away in the same place
Take something with you (for instance, drop your dirty socks in the hamper on your way from your bedroom to the kitchen)
Charge your phone
Connect with someone close to you
Go to bed in time to get a good night’s sleep
As less crucial, but also highly advisable…
Make your bed
Kiss every member of your family
Sign the organ donor registry or tell your family you’d want to be a donor
What else would you add? I know I’m missing many items.
People give us Love the best way that they know how to. They can’t give it any other way than they do. And if we are trying to get orange juice from apples over and over again, not only are we going to keep getting let down, we are actually insane! Haha.
It’s simple – we were SENT to GIVE the Love we think we missed or that we think we aren’t getting from someone else. We see where the Love is lacking and so it’s up to US to fill that gap!
After I started treating my father this way, it was like an instantaneous shift in our relationship. And I didn’t go to him and tell him all this; I just started giving more Love. And guess what – it was more Love that I got back…
The same is true for you. You were sent to give the Love that you think it missing in your life and in the world. That’s why you’re here.
Not being able to stand up for yourself is not funny...
It is so easy to come to the defense of others. How clear it is when others are being used, controlled, manipulated, or abused. It is so easy to fight their battles, become righteously indignant, rally to their aid, and spur them on to victory. “You have rights,” we tell them. “And those rights are being violated. Stand up for yourself, without guilt.” Why is it so hard, then, for us to rally to our own behalf? Why can’t we see when we are being used, victimized, lied to, manipulated, or otherwise violated? Why is it so difficult for us to stand up for ourselves? There are times in life when we can walk a gentle, loving path. There are times, however, when we need to stand up for ourselves—when walking the gentle, loving path puts us deeper into the hands of those who could mistreat us. Some days, the lesson we’re to be learning and practicing is one of setting boundaries. Some days, the lesson we’re learning is that of fighting for ourselves and our own rights. Sometimes, the lesson won’t stop until we do. Today, I will rally to my own cause. I will remember that it is okay to stand up for myself when that action is appropriate. Help me, God, to let go of my need to be victimized. Help me appropriately, and with confidence, stand up for myself.
Author Scott Peck opens his classic book “The Road Less Travelled” with the following phrase: “Life is difficult.” The line works because it is so true. Life is not easy, yes – but it’s especially not easy if we don’t, or won’t, or can’t move through that truth and then on into the light.
But moving on requires more than simply getting a shovel and burying the past. And men, I think we all can agree, are typically fairly handy when it comes to using that particular shovel. We’d simply rather not talk about it, and that turns out to be the very worst we can do.
A hurtful past may include a failed marriage, Vietnam, bullying in school, abusive parents, poverty, discrimination, disappointment, bankruptcy, the loss of a parent – or a combination of events. Whatever the hurt, a way forward is always possible if we’re willing to take a few simple steps.
All Pro Dad recommends starting with this list, 10 ways to overcome a hurtful past…
This life is the invitation to create a work of art.
What are you creating each day?
So Lick the plate of NOW clean.
You know what I mean.
You never get this moments gift back. Once gone it’s gone.
I urge you to do it right.
Leave nothing left.
No morsel of regret.
No dream unmet.
No waiting to retire.
Let living this moments bliss take you higher.
We often fear what will be. So we hold onto the peanuts of what we know worked before. Instead of risking for the feast that awaits us in the unknown.
You can go around and around, down the same road over and over, holding on and on. But just know that if you go down the same route. You will end up at the same destination. Again. Quite simple.
When you step outside of your comfort zone at first it might seem scary. But if you breathe, and trust, eventually you will expand your capacity to handle the new. It’s often the mind that convinces you of the dangers ahead. Know that the real danger is when you believe the mind and live inside the prison of it’s limitations. We have all done this at some point.
But if you stretch, soon what seemed so scary will become your new norm. This is growth. Life is a constant expansion and growth. Either you are growing or dying. Are you growing or simply resting on the comfort of coasting yesterdays wave?
Everyone is in awe of the lion tamer in a cage with half a dozen
lions— everyone but a school bus driver.
Unknown
You may not be a great warrior. You might not lead explorations to the North Pole or climb Mount Everest. But you still need courage.
Courage lies in the simple things as well as the grandiose. It’s fun and easy to speculate about how we would respond in our fantasy lives – climbing that mountain or leading knights into battle – but what about now?
Do you have the courage to live your life, to walk your path every day, right where you are?
Sometimes, it takes more courage to do the ordinary things in life than it does to walk to the door of the airplane and jump.
It takes courage to get sober, to stay sober, to get up every day and go to your job, support your family, pay the bills, and walk the path that you have been given to walk. We all need courage to do the thing that scares us and sometimes to do the thing that doesn’t scare us, over and over again.
God, please grant me the courage to do the right thing in my relationships, in my job, and in my spiritual growth. Please give me the courage to live my life.
We can draw a healthy line, a healthy boundary, between ourselves and our nuclear family. We can separate ourselves from their issues. Some of us may have family members who are addicted to alcohol and other drugs and who are not in recovery from their addiction. Some of us may have family members who have unresolved codependency issues. Family members may be addicted to misery, pain, suffering, martyrdom, and victimization. We may have family members who have unresolved abuse issues or unresolved family of origin issues. We may have family members who are addicted to work, eating, or sex. Our family may be completely enmeshed, or we may have a disconnected family in which the members have little contact. We may be like our family. We may love our family. But we are separate human beings with individual rights and issues. One of our primary rights is to begin feeling better and recovering, whether or not others in the family choose to do the same. We do not have to feel guilty about finding happiness and a life that works. And we do not have to take on our family’s issues as our own to be loyal and to show we love them. Often when we begin taking care of ourselves, family members will reverberate with overt and covert attempts to pull us back into the old system and roles. We do not have to go. Their attempts to pull us back are their issues. Taking care of ourselves and becoming healthy and happy does not mean we do not love them. It means we’re addressing our issues. We do not have to judge them because they have issues; nor do we have to allow them to do anything they would like to us just because they are family. We are free now, free to take care of ourselves with family members. Our freedom starts when we stop denying their issues, and politely, but assertively, hand their stuff back to them—where it belongs—and deal with our own issues. Today, I will separate myself from family members. I am a separate human being, even though I belong to a unit called a family. I have a right to my own issues and growth; my family members have a right to their issues and a right to choose where and when they will deal with these issues. I can learn to detach in love from my family members and their issues. I am willing to work through all necessary feelings in order to accomplish this.
Make New Year’s goals. Dig within, and discover what you would like to have happen in your life this year. This helps you do your part. It is an affirmation that you’re interested in fully living life in the year to come. Goals give us direction. They put a powerful force into play on a universal, conscious, and subconscious level. Goals give our life direction. What would you like to have happen in your life this year? What would you like to do, to accomplish? What good would you like to attract into your life? What particular areas of growth would you like to have happen to you? What blocks, or character defects, would you like to have removed? What would you like to attain? Little things and big things? Where would you like to go? What would you like to have happen in friendship and love? What would you like to have happen in your family life? Remember, we aren’t controlling others with our goals—we are trying to give direction to our life. What problems would you like to see solved? What decisions would you like to make? What would you like to happen in your career? What would you like to see happen inside and around you? Write it down. Take a piece of paper, a few hours of your time, and write it all down—as an affirmation of you, your life, and your ability to choose. Then let it go. Certainly, things happen that are out of our control. Sometimes, these events are pleasant surprises; sometimes, they are of another nature. But they are all part of the chapter that will be this year in our life and will lead us forward in the story. The new year stands before us, like a chapter in a book, waiting to be written. We can help write that story by setting goals. Today, I will remember that there is a powerful force motivated by writing down goals. I will do that now, for the year tocome, and regularly as needed. I will do it not to control but to do my part in living my life. Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (p. 3). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.
“He’s making me crazy I don’t understand. Why would someone say they were going to do one thing, then do something so different from what they say? He looks so good and talks so good. His promises sound so, so real, but then everything falls apart. I end up doing all this work, and he just disappears. I get so dang angry Then about the time I’m ready to blow a gasket, he calls, charms my socks off, and the whole cycle starts over again. I walk away, scratching my head and wondering, ‘What’s wrong with me? Did I just imagine this whole thing? Did I overreact?’ I don’t get it. I don’t understand,”
Maybe it’s time for an Al-Anon meeting.
“And when we’re talking on the phone, I feel like I’m the only one for him. But then when I see him, I know he’s lying to me. I know he’s seeing someone else and standing there looking me right in the eyes and lying about it. When I ask him, he says, ‘Your insecurity is enchanting, and you’re usually such a together person.’ I don’t understand why I feel so insane.”
Maybe it s time for an Al-Anon meeting.
“And then I catch him straight-out lying to me, and I blow up. I just can’t stand that lying stuff especially when
I knew all the time he was lying to me and he denied it. I put up with it and put up with it and then finally I can’t take it anymore. By the time I blow up, he’s standing there looking calm and serene and I’m acting like an insane person.”
Crazy people make us feel crazy. It’s not you. It’s him. How about that meeting?
“And then he calls a few days later, and he says how sorry he is and I can tell he’s sorry Before I know it, I’ve forgotten about everything that happened, and it starts all over again. I keep wondering whether I’m being used, and then I look at him and I just feel so guilty for everything I’m feeling and thinking. Oh yeah. That Al-Anon meeting.”
Step One: Powerless over people, places, and things. My life has become unmanageable. Take a deep breath. Say it again. Then say it one more time. Crazy people make us feel crazy It will happen every time.
Value: Detach in love. Disentangle. Un-embroil yourself from other people’s insanity so you can be restored to sanity. It’s a value many of us learned the hard way.
I truly believe that if it isn’t scheduled, it won’t happen. So – as we step into the first Monday of the year, how can you create a schedule that will work for you – to achieve ALL your top goals? We all have the same amount of time – but it’s how we use it that counts.
“‘My husband is using cocaine,” a woman said. “He won’t listen to me when I tell him to stop. So, how about this?
I’ll pop the movie Blow, about cocaine abuse, into the VCR and just keep playing it over and over until he gets the message.”
“How about this,” I said. “You go to an Al-Anon meeting and get some help for yourself.”
The first time we’re exposed to the value of detaching, it can seem so improbable and unlikely. After a while, we begin to see how well detaching works. When we let go of what we cannot change, the other person begins to experience his or her own consequences. The other person may or may not do what we want them to do, but because we’ve been restored to sanity; a clear path opens for us. The things we do actually begin to help.
The first time we practice detachment is the hardest. Later, it becomes easier.
Challenge: No matter how long we have practiced the value of detachment, recognizing when we need to do it can still be the hardest part. « December 30: Taking care of Yourself” Source: December 31: Practice Detachment | Language of Letting Go
Of all the lifeskills I’ve been working on, detachment has been the hardest for me but I find the most value in learning how to use it.
In the back of my mind, I’m working on a post called ‘Everything I need to know about detachment I learned from Boo’. Boo is my cat and I love her to pieces but I don’t expect her to act like a dog. Sometimes when I’m ready to play with her, she’s not ready to play with me and that’s ok. It’s easy for me to understand healthy detachment when I think about Boo. Not so easy when I think about my wife. But I’m learning…
I stumbled upon this great post from 
Something good from 
One of my new favorite blogs is ‘
Bright, shiny objects! 
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