Category: Holidays

Getting through the holidays…

Christmas lights on Aleksanterinkatu.

These thoughts from Melody Beattie are helpful to me…

For some, the sights, signs, and smells of the holidays bring joy and a warm feeling. But, while others are joyously diving into the season, some of us are dipping into conflict, guilt, and a sense of loss. We read articles on how to enjoy the holidays, we read about the Christmas blues, but many of us still can’t figure out how to get through the holiday season. We may not know what a joyous holiday would look and feel like. Many of us are torn between what we want to do on the holiday, and what we feel we have to do. We may feel guilty because we don’t want to be with our families. We may feel a sense of loss because we don’t have the kind of family to be with that we want. Many of us, year after year, walk into the same dining room on the same holiday, expecting this year to be different. Then we leave, year after year, feeling let down, disappointed, and confused by it all. Many of us have old, painful memories triggered by the holidays. Many of us feel a great deal of relief when the holiday is ended. One of the greatest gifts of recovery is learning that we are not alone. There are probably as many of us in conflict during the holidays as there are those who feel at peace. We’re learning, through trial and error, how to take care of ourselves a little better each holiday season. Our first recovery task during the holidays is to accept ourselves, our situation, and our feelings about our situation. We accept our guilt, anger, and sense of loss. It’s all okay. There is no right or perfect way to handle the holidays. Our strength can be found in doing the best we can, one year at a time. This holiday season, I will give myself permission to take care of myself.

Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (p. 370). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.

This is me — “Many of us, year after year, walk into the same dining room on the same holiday, expecting this year to be different. Then we leave, year after year, feeling let down, disappointed, and confused by it all. Many of us have old, painful memories triggered by the holidays. Many of us feel a great deal of relief when the holiday is ended.” — This year, I have healthy boundaries around the holidays and I’m not walking into that dining room and I feel relief already…

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Holiday triggers

A Christmas tree inside a home.

One year, when I was a child, my father got drunk and violent at Christmas. I had just unwrapped a present, a bottle of hand lotion, when he exploded in an alcoholic rage. Our Christmas was disrupted. It was terrible. It was frightening for the whole family. Now, thirty-five years later, whenever I smell hand lotion, I immediately feel all the feelings I did that Christmas: the fear, the disappointment, the heartache, the helplessness, and an instinctive desire to control. —Anonymous

There are many positive triggers that remind us of Christmas: snow, decorations, “Silent Night,” “Jingle Bells,” wrapped packages, a nativity scene, stockings hung on a fireplace. These “triggers” can evoke in us the warm, nostalgic feelings of the Christmas celebration. There are other kinds of triggers, though, that may be less apparent and evoke different feelings and memories. Our mind is like a powerful computer. It links sight, sound, smell, touch, and taste with feelings, thoughts, and memories. It links our senses—and we remember. Sometimes the smallest, most innocuous incident can trigger memories. Not all our memories are pleasant, especially if we grew up in an alcoholic, dysfunctional setting. We may not understand why we suddenly feel afraid, depressed, anxious. We may not understand what has triggered our codependent coping behaviors—the low self-worth, the need to control, the need to neglect ourselves. When that happens, we need to understand that some innocuous event may be triggering memories recorded deep within us. If something, even something we don’t understand, triggers painful memories, we can pull ourselves back into theby self-care: acknowledging our feelings, detaching, working the Steps, and affirming ourselves. We can take action to feel good. We can help ourselves feel better each Christmas. No matter what the past held, we can put it in perspective, and create a more pleasant holiday today. Today, I will gently work through my memories of this holiday season. I will accept my feelings, even if I consider them different than what others are feeling this holiday. God, help me let go, heal from, and release the painful memories surrounding the holidays. Help me finish my business from the past, so I can create the holiday of my choice.

Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (p. 369). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.

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Give the gift of connection and relationship

Pile of gorgeous gifts
Image via Wikipedia

I found another great blogger this morning — Lee Horbachewski of SimpLee Serene. Here’s a recent post I liked…

No matter who you are, what you look like, what you do, where you invest your time or how you celebrate the season, you need connection.

  • Accepting people for who they are.
  • Knowing what’s going on around you.
  • Being present right now.
  • Connecting with full attention and pure intention.

It all sounds wonderful doesn’t it?  So what stops our society from doing and being this?

Busy, busy, busy, go, go, go, buy, buy, buy and dare I say it judge, judge, judge…

What if the biggest gift you can give someone you love is you: your time, your love and your acceptance?

I invite you to consider for a moment what it would feel like to experience quality time with a friend.   How would it feel to receive a surprise visit, a phone call, a real life connection?

I invite you to press STOP right now on the busyness of life and what should be done.  Connect with YOU in this moment, now think of the special people in your life…  Do you know how they are feeling?  Do you know what’s going on in their life?  When was the last time you spoke to them?  When was the last time you saw them?

Show someone you love, that they are special.

Show someone you care, and give the gift of connection and relationship.

And as always this begins with connecting with YOU.

Source: Give the gift of connection and relationship by Lee | SimpLee Serene

If you like this, there’s more at the Source. Add her blog to Google Reader like I did and keep your holidays happy…

Open-mouthed smile

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Strategies for dealing with family drama…

Gemma Stone has some great thoughts on dealing with the drama that sometimes accompanies the holidays…

Gemma calls out a strategy and tactic that I have been using recently with some positive results, although I did not realize it was called ‘non-violent communication’.

“When something ‘dramatic’ come up” she says “use this four step communication process.

1. When I see/hear…

2. The story I tell myself about that is…

3. What I feel is…

4. What I need/want/like is…

Here’s what it might sound like,

“When I hear you raising your voice, the story I tell myself is that you don’t respect me and I feel hurt. What I really need is for us to speak to each other with kindness.”

Let’s say your attempt at influencing the family drama is an epic fail. Don’t lose hope (or storm out), you can always control your internal environment.”

Step 2 is new to me, but I have been working with “what I see, what I feel, what I would like to see” and that has been helping to de-escalate some of the drama in my life and I agree with Gemma that it is a valuable tool…

Go to the source of the article to read the rest of Gemma’s thoughts on the topic and I strongly urge you to follow her blog for more great thinking like this…

I have also found great comfort and help in Melody Beattie‘s works on Codependency; Codependent No More, The ‘Codependent No More’ Workbook, and The Language of Letting Go. Recently, I found this in The Language of Letting Go and it helps me to better understand the concept of using boundaries and healty detachment to remain sane during the holidays…

When we don’t ask for what we want and need, we discount ourselves. We deserve better. Maybe others taught us it wasn’t polite or appropriate to speak up for ourselves. The truth is, if we don’t, our unmet wants and needs may ultimately come back to haunt our relationships. We may end up feeling angry or resentful, or we may begin to punish someone else for not guessing what we need. We may end the relationship because it doesn’t meet our needs. Intimacy and closeness are only possible in a relationship when both people can say what they want and need. Sustained intimacy demands this. Sometimes, we may even have to demand what we want. That’s called setting a boundary. We do this not to control another person, but to gain control of our life. Our attitude toward our needs is important too. We must value them and take them seriously if we expect others to take us seriously. When we begin to place value and importance on our needs, we’ll see a remarkable change. Our wants and needs will begin to get met. Today, I will respect the wants and needs of myself and others. I will tell myself, others, and my Higher Power what I want and need. I will listen to what they want and need too.

Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (pp. 355-356). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.

On the topic of detaching in love, Melody recently wrote this…

Few things can make us feel crazier than expecting something from someone who has nothing to give. Few things can frustrate us more than trying to make a person someone he or she isn’t; we feel crazy when we try to pretend that person is someone he or she is not. We may have spent years negotiating with reality concerning particular people from our past and our present. We may have spent years trying to get someone to love us in a certain way, when that person cannot or will not. It is time to let it go. It is time to let him or her go. That doesn’t mean we can’t love that person anymore. It means that we will feel the immense relief that comes when we stop denying reality and begin accepting. We release that person to be who he or she actually is. We stop trying to make that person be someone he or she is not. We deal with our feelings and walk away from the destructive system. We learn to love and care differently in a way that takes reality into account. We enter into a relationship with that person on new terms—taking ourselves and our needs into account. If a person is addicted to alcohol, other drugs, misery, or other people, we let go of his or her addiction; we take our hands off it. We give his or her life back. And we, in the process, are given our life and freedom in return. We stop letting what we are not getting from that person control us. We take responsibility for our life. We go ahead with the process of loving and taking care of ourselves. We decide how we want to interact with that person, taking reality and our own best interests into account. We get angry, we feel hurt, but we land in a place of forgiveness. We set him or her free, and we become set free from bondage. This is the heart of detaching in love. Today, I will work at detaching in love from troublesome people in my life. I will strive to accept reality in my relationships. I will give myself permission to take care of myself in my relationships, with emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual freedom for both people as my goal.

Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (pp. 352-353). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.

Whatever you take from this, I hope it leaves you feeling better about the holidays and better equipped to deal with some of the drama that may pop up along the way…

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Appreciating ourselves…

LOVE and CARE for you , my Dearest!!!“We are the greatest thing that will ever happen to us. Believe It. It makes life much easier.” – Codependent No More

It is time to stop this nonsense of running around picking on ourselves. We may have walked through much of our life apologizing for ourselves either directly or indirectly feeling less valuable than others, believing that they know better than we do, and believing that somehow others are meant to be here and we are not. We have a right to be here. We have a right to be ourselves. We are here. There is a purpose, a reason, and an intention for our life. We do not have to apologize for being here or being who we are. We are good enough, and deserving. Others do not have our magic. We have our magic. It is in us. It doesn’t matter what we’ve done in our past. We all have a past, woven with mistakes, successes, and learning experiences. We have a right to our past. It is ours. It has worked to shape and form us. As we progress on this journey, we shall see how each of our experiences will be turned around and used for good. We have already spent too much time being ashamed, being apologetic, and doubting the beauty of ourselves. Be done with it. Let it go. It is an unnecessary burden. Others have rights, but so do we. We are neither less than nor more than. We are equal. We are who we are. That is who we were created and intended to be. That, my friend, is a wonderful gift. God, help me own my power to love and appreciate myself. Help me give myself validity instead of looking to others to do that.” Source; November 29: Appreciating Ourselves | Language of Letting Go

These words should not be as important to me as they are, but they are! Hey, relatives — you know who you are: “Others have rights, but so do we. We are neither less than nor more than. We are equal. We are who we are. That is who we were created and intended to be.” This holiday season will be the best in a long time because I’m giving myself permission not to play a role in their drama or buy into their bullsh!t…

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The No New Gifts Holiday Challenge

A Danish Christmas tree illuminated with burni...
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Are you ready to participate in the mad shopping frenzy that we partake in every year, not only on Black Friday but all holiday season long?

Are you ready for an incredible burst of spending, for racking up credit card debt, for the stress of buying things for everyone on your list?

Are you ready to consume an insane amount of resources, to have a huge impact on the environment, to work long hours to pay for all that?

Yep, it’s the holiday season again, and with it comes the worst season for consumerism ever.

I say, let’s opt out.

My family and I are issuing a challenge to all my wonderful readers, to the world: The No New Gifts Holiday Challenge.

via zenhabits.net

I think Leo is on to something here — follow the ‘via’ link to read the rest of the article…

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THIS Is The Opportunity Of Your Life Time!

Great thoughts from Mastin Kipp…

We have an opportunity in this moment to go beyond all the conditioned thoughts of the world, our friends, family and the like and step into a world that WE create from the inside out. We have an opportunity to heal from past wounds – now seeing them for what they truly were – lessons in growth and Grace showing us how to become more of who we really are. We have an opportunity to gain certainty that the future will be better than the past by living our Faith that The Uni-verse is FOR us and never against us. We have an opportunity to shine brightly, which will help to guide out Path as well as help others shine.

None of this can happen without a fundamental shift in our minds – from fear to Love, from blame to gratitude.

In the US – tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Many people from all walks of life – different religions, political beliefs, skin color and financial tiers will all come together for the common purpose of family, community and gratitude. We tend to hyper focus our thoughts on the things we are grateful for this time of year and it’s truly beautiful. But the real beauty, the true Thanksgiving is not about eating turkey, tofurkey and seeing your family for possibly for first time this year. Thanksgiving is something that lives in our hearts.

When we give Thanks for the Giving of our lives, we step out of lack and into abundance. We didn’t create this Uni-verse. We didn’t even create the air that we breathe. How many things around you do you get benefit from that you didn’t have to create for yourself?

If we want to live our dreams, if we want to have real Love in our lives, if we want to get to the end of our lives and have truly LIVED – Gratitude will get us there. Gratitude comes from an internal awareness that you are already whole. It comes from the internal knowing that the more you know, the more you realize that you don’t know – and so we are grateful for ALL experiences in our lives, because they have come to teach us. Being grateful means having the capacity to look around and see abundance – no matter what the minds of humanity proclaim. There is abundant sun, air, water and food for most of us. We – in the Western world – live more abundantly that 2/3 of the planet that live on less than $2/day.

Being grateful means stopping and getting out of your own story and helping someone in need. Nothing brings us joy like being of service to others. And it’s a pattern interrupt that takes us out of the drama of our lives, our story, our problems and puts the focus on others.

Being grateful is the first step towards being truly rich. We can manifest lives of magic if we give the events of our lives an empowering meaning filled with gratitude – today and every day. This is a journey my friend. Let us carry this Holiday spirit that we feel with us through the Holidays and make gratitude a way of life.

Do you have the spiritual power and ability to be grateful for it ALL, every day and carry that with you through your whole walk on this planet? We need you to be as grateful, loving and turned on as possible, because, my friend, THAT is how the world will change!

via thedailylove.com

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I’m carved this way…

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Oktoberfest Facts

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The biggest mistakes you can make while traveling in Ireland

IrelandShape
Image via Wikipedia

A little bit of local knowledge goes a long way – and with this in mind, we at IrishCentral have prepared a brief guide to vacationing in Ireland.

Although remember – if you really want to fit in with the locals, you might want to avoid expressions like “vacationing” – use “going on holiday” instead.

You might also want to include the expression, “Where are yar’ lucky charms?” in as many conversations as possible – the Irish will surely love you for that. (Note the sarcasm here…)

via irishcentral.com

Follow the ‘via’ link for a list of mistakes to avoid…

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10 Ways to Be Your Wife’s Hero

Author: Bagande
Image via Wikipedia

At the mention of watching a chick flick, many husbands will make excuses as to why the couple should watch something else.  They simply do not want to watch the mushy, romantic films.  Many husbands wonder how their wives are so captivated by the emotional drama found in chick flicks.

Women watch chick flicks for the hero.  Just like how they loved fairy tales as little girls and dreamed of their very own prince.  Wives may gush about how wonderful the fictional hero is from their favorite movie, but they do not actually want that guy.  They want you, their husband. They want you to be their personal hero, the prince who sweeps them off their feet.

  • Be her rescuer and protectorAccording to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, one of a person’s greatest needs is the feeling of safety and security.  To be your wife’s hero, she wants you to be that person who makes her feel safe.  This role of rescuer/protector is easier than what the action movies make it out to be.  Simply be there.  If she falls down, help her back up.  If there is an insect or rodent, put it outside or kill it.  Be there when she is scared and be there to wipe away her tears.
  • Romance your wifeLove your wife and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.  Let your wife know that she is lovely; her feminine heart needs to hear that.  Here are 10 Ways to Romance Your Wife.
  • Set the example as the spiritual leader in your houseBe the spiritual leader in your household for your wife and your kids.  Take the family to church and pray together.  As you and your wife grow closer to God, you will also grow closer to one another.
  • Support herEveryone faces battles of some form in life.  Be there to support your wife when she faces her battles.  You cannot always fight them for her, but you can stand by her.  Sometimes she may need her own personal hero to stand up for her.
  • Listen to her, but don’t try to fix the problemAs a husband, you will hear all about your wife’s problems and annoyances.  She shares these things with you to have someone listen.  You don’t need to fix her problems unless she asks you to.  Just listen.
  • Spend time togetherWomen get jealous of other women whose husbands spend a lot of time with them.  The material things long hours in the office can buy are nice, but ultimately your time is more valuable to your wife. It is also important to spend time together as a family when you have children.  Spending time together is essential to maintaining a healthy marriage and family.
  • Pay attention to detailWomen are more detail oriented than men.  Try to pay attention to little details.  Notice new haircuts, compliment new clothes, and learn facial expressions.  Dates are also very important.  Remember important occasions such as anniversaries and holidays.  Plan ahead for them in order to make reservations or find the perfect gift.
  • Give her a breakOnce you and your wife have children, the dynamics change some.  Your wife will occasionally just need a break and a chance to escape from everything.  Volunteer to watch the kids while she has a girls’ night or takes a nap.  Or arrange a sitter so the two of you have a chance to get away together for a date night.
  • Commit to your wifeIt is not just enough in a marriage to love your wife.  You need to commit to her to demonstrate that love.  The most important thing is to be there; do not be an absent husband.  When things get hard in life or your marriage, do not run.  Work through things together.  Overcoming obstacles together will strengthen your marriage.
  •  Appreciate herLet your wife know how thankful you are for her.  Take note of all the little things that she does and thank her for doing them.  Let her know how important she is to you.
via allprodad.com
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Why July 4th is NOT exactly the day of US Independence

The belltower atop Independence Hall in Philad...
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Historically, the legal liberation of 13 original colonies took place on July 2, 1776, in a closed session of Congress. However, the Second Continental Congress took two more days to modify the famous of American documents, delaying the final approval of Declaration of Independence by two more days.

Although the Declaration of Independence managed to get the Congressional approval on July 4, 1776, it was not made public until July 8. Thus the first Independence Day was celebrated on July 8, 1776.

The Declaration of Independence was read on July 8th, 1776 by Col. John Nixon. He, less than a year later, would be made a brigadier general of the Continental Army.

The day saw summoning of citizens to Independence Hall for the very first public reading of the US Independence Declaration, by ringing the bells of Philadelphia, including the Liberty Bell. This breaks yet another American myth regarding the ringing of Liberty Bell.

Contrary to the popular misconception, Liberty Bell did not ring on July 4th, 1776 to mark the US Independence day. Americans had to wait four more days, till July 8th, to listen to the Liberty Bell as well as the public reading of Declaration of Independence.

via ibtimes.com

My birthday falls on July 8th which would appear is the best of all American holidays according to historical fact…

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Things we’ve been tracking in the past 24 hours…

 

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a chart to describe the search engine market
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Concerned about best practices for search engine optimization [seo]?

The primary goal of your search engine optimization (SEO) is to drive relevant people that are interested in your industry or company to your website.  If you follow SEO than you know how fast things change.  You also know how hard it can be to keep all with these changes.

SEO is actually a relatively simple technique that requires small changes based on major changes the search engines announce. I bold major changes because the changes really need to be major to affect your overall website rankings and SEO strategy.

Here are nine SEO techniques that you should always follow regardless of the changes the search engines are continuously making.

via blog.hubspot.com

You can follow the ‘via’ link above to go to the source and read the rest of the article if you’re interested in learning more…

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Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday of the year. Why? Mostly because it remains unencumbered by gift-giving or expectations of anything besides a good meal and a good time with family. We don’t have to travel anywhere or do anything except be thankful and be together!

This year, I’m most thankful for the people who will be sitting around my table [CJ and all me boyos] and the beautiful view I have when I step out my back door… [click on the photos to enlarge]

Business-wise, I’m grateful that for 8 days out of this year, this was the view from my hotel window! Every day in Germany is a gift from God…

It has been a great year for e1evation, llc and I’m grateful for all the people that have helped make it so: Bill and Sara, Sue, David, Dana, Heather, and Green Bay Greg, to name a few. As it says in Proverbs 27:17 “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another” — you all have made me ‘sharper’. I’m grateful for Facebook and the power that it has to reunite old friends — some of whom even become clients like Shawn and Tara — and make new friends — like the two Swedish girls from Viktor Rydberg Gymnasium that have made the Esther’s Hope ministry their senior project. The power of social media continues to amaze me, but at the end of the day, it’s really all about ‘people power’ and the ability of technology to support it…

From Panos

In parting, here’s some obligatory multimedia for the day…

Have a great day tomorrow, however you decide to spend it. I’m checking out for the holiday — see you on the flipside!

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10 Ways to Get the Most Out of Technology

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Image by ismh_ via Flickr

“Your gadgets and computers, your software and sites — they are not working as well as they should. You need to make some tweaks. But the tech industry has given you the impression that making adjustments is difficult and time-consuming. It is not. And so below are 10 things to do to improve your technological life. They are easy and (mostly) free. Altogether, they should take about two hours; one involves calling your cable or phone company, so that figure is elastic. If you do them, those two hours will pay off handsomely in both increased free time and diminished anxiety and frustration. You can do it.” Source: 10 Ways to Get the Most Out of Technology – NYTimes.com.

You’ll have to go to the source if you want to hear the Times perspective on the 10 ways you can more effectively manage your technology in the new year — most of the suggestions are sound. You might also want to read this post for some things you can do to get a ‘new’ computer for the new year…

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Stuff I saved in ‘Reader’ on December 27, 2010

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12 How-To Videos for Hosting the Perfect Holiday Party

via mashable.com

If you’d like to see the other 12, follow the ‘via’ link…

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